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October 1st, 2009 by Dr. Phil

And Now, the Other Woman

iStock_000005623898XSmallYou ready for a little controversy? OK, you ready for a lot of controversy? Then get ready for Monday’s show, because you may be yelling at the screen for this one, but it is important and really interesting!

On the show, I’m going to be interviewing the fabled “other woman.”  Five of them, in fact, and all of them members of the online group “Mistresses Anonymous.” All of them openly talk to me about why they became mistresses to married men. They also talk about what they have to endure as mistresses. And I have to tell you, what they have to say is so intriguing that I think this show easily could have gone three hours in length.

In fact, when we were taping the episode, I kept glancing at members of the studio audience, noticing just how many of them had their mouths open in shock. What clearly stunned everyone in the audience was the “other women’s” complaints that they are victims as much as the wives who are being cheated on.

iStock_000001130579XSmallThey believe they are victimized by how their married lovers lie to them and string them along for years at a time.  They have a unique point of view on how the wife carries a lot of the blame for the situations.  I’ll let you hear those arguments for yourself. The “other women” also bitterly describe feeling stuck on the sidelines, always looking in, but don’t seem to own the fact that they, in most cases, are knowingly in a relationship with a married man.

Needless to say, I’m dying to hear what you think. As you watch these other women, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are they really victims, or are they just whining?
  • Do they truly want marriage themselves, or is there some part of them that is actually very content with a secret, part-time, taboo relationship?
  • What do you think about their comments that wives need to behave more like mistresses?
  • Why, in the end, do you really think men have affairs? And what about married women who have affairs? Are they cheating for different reasons than men?
  • Finally, can a marriage survive infidelity? Should it? And if one wants the marriage to survive an affair, then how exactly does one go about it?

I look forward to your comments. I’ll be reading and responding, as I love our conversations.

Here’s my video reply to reader Donna, who says, ” … I also think Dr. Phil was wrong in giving advice on how to keep your husband from cheating. How come everyone always blames the wife?”

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759 Responses to “And Now, the Other Woman”

  1. Cynthia says:

    DR. Phil
    I think the only way a man can stop cheating is to admit he has a problem. My x cannot, he cheated on me for over 30 years with lots of women. I am figuring out he started cheating on me 6 weeks after we got married. With good friends and women who he never knew their names. His brother had to pull him off a girl in a barn one time, while I was looking for him. The sad fact he can’t admit he has a problem with cheating. How do they live in that world of denile. My therapist diagnosed him as a sexaholic, and she says he won’t ever admit to it. What ever happend to the truth, how can a man lie and believe his lies ? WE lost our son in May of 06, by September he was after a 20 year old who told him she wanted kids young. So he sought out after her, he got caught by my mother. We tried working it out, then the kid said she was pregnant. He said he wanted the baby, so I said go and don’t let the door hit ya. But she faked the whole thing and he wanted back , but I wouldn’t be a fool twice. All of his Hispanic uncles cheated on their wives and fathered lots of children with the other women. So can you inherit
    cheating too, or is it all ego an needing that sex to make them feel superior ?

  2. Carol says:

    My Husband of 20 years and father of my three children cheated on me with a co-worker of his. I honestly don’t know which was worse the fact that he cheated or all the lying he did to cover it. Both are painful and go hand in hand. I don’t understand how people can stay with a spouse that has cheated. For me once was enough.

  3. WILLIEMAE JOHNSON says:

    DON’T FALL IN LOVE IF YOU DO THE DRAMA WILL START I HAVE BEEN ON BOTH SIDES I WAS MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS BEFORE MY HUSBAND DIED AND I NEVER TRUSTED HIM AGAIN BUT WE STAYED TOGETHER FOR OUR CHILDREN WHICH I WINED UP RAISING ALONE. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY FRIEND FOR 18 YEARS AND I HAVE RULES NO MOVING IN OR STAYING OVERNIGHT AND THEN WE HAD A CONTRACT MADE UP THE RELATIONSHIPS IS FUN FOR ME BECAUSE I AM FINDING OUT ABOUT ME FROM BEING MARRIED 17 YEARS FOR HIM IF I DID NOT COME INTO THE PICTURE ITS NO TELLING WHAT HE WOULD BE DOING HE HAS BEEN FOR 23 YEARS WITH ME 17 AND I KNOW THE OTHER ONES HE WENT WITH BEFORE ME I REALLY HOPE YOU DON’T THINK I TRUST HIM WE A A 14 YR OLD AND IS WIFE SAID SHE NEVER WANTS THEM TO MEET AT 14, 19 21 WHY NOT. SHE TOLD ME I MAKE HIM HAPPY AND SHE THINKS HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME. SOME WOMEN JUST LIKE THE FACT OF HAVING A HUSBAND BUT I FOR SURE DON’T WANT ANOTHER ONE

  4. Marie Lintz says:

    Any woman who puts up with a cheating husband must have low self-esteem. Having an affair doesn’t help any marriage. She should kick that guy to the curb, and move on with her life. No woman should put up with degrading treatment from any man. If she was the cheater, would he stick around?

  5. RoZ says:

    Okay, I am one thats been cheated on. I had a very difficult situation that kept me out of town for a while. My husband started a telephone relationship with this woman, one he worked with and then a week before I was to come home, he slept with her. I would never have found out if not for her sending him HER photo to his phone. I was never the kind of person to question my husband’s fidelity, but when I saw her photo on his phone, he seemed to brush it off too quickly and it just didn’t sit right with me. I asked him point blank, had he been unfaithful? Like a house of cards it came crashing in on me. I was dumbfounded and hurt. I didn’t know how to react. I was stunned. He promised me that it was just the one time (the weekend), and it would NEVER happen again. I think he felt more ashamed that he was caught and that I reacted differently, than what I usually would have. I had to dig deep in my soul and forgive my husband. I would never, nor would I ever have cheated on him. I wanted to believe that the situation that we had was rare and that there were reasons, but I knew that I couldn’t really place the blame on any ONE person. I can tell you this, it’s been a struggle for me emotionally and draining mentally. The trust I had for my husband has been broken and I feel like a little girl sometimes trying to put together a broken dish without glue.

    I have prayed and I have tried to mend and forget the past, but it’s hard. Really hard. I have found myself doubting him and while I don’t tell him out right. I don’t trust him. The one thing I am is very much in love with him. Some may ask how can that be? I just do. Even he doesn’t realize how in love I am with him. I do notice that he is “trying”. There ar moments of confusion and I try, really try to let go of the past, but it’s like a wave that consumes you, and by the time you catch your breath, you get caught up in it again.

    Lately, I have been thinking for myself. Taking my faith even deeper and asking God to keep me on a good track and help me to forget. But like I have said before, it’s hard. Hard to think that his entire body, his mind and his soul were hers for a time. Sometimes I just want to scream and other times, I just want to crawl into a whole and just forget about it. Hopefully with God’s hand, I will be able to overcome this. After all, I survived cancer 5 times (uterine, ovarian, vaginal, cervical and I had a double mastectomy!) I know I can get through this. I’m going to give it the best I can :)

  6. nessy says:

    I wonder if you speak only about physical infidelity here. Worse than anything is the emotional infidelity, that actually leaves no questions if one should leave or stay and try to fix everything.

    My husband has had an emotional affair with his co-worker, for 2years. The girl left the job finally, and we tried to solve things out but I had already lost my trust for trusting him ever again. He was really sad and lost, when she left and I saw that he had fell in love with her. So I said to him that he should not let go, if she was the love of his life. Can you imagine..I am so furious at myself..What happened then was, that they began to phone behind my back = my husband phoned her several times from our house! Also I sensed that he was in contact with her from work, all the accusations he has of course denied.

    He still keeps on having contact with her behind my back in secrecy. I have been seeing a therapist for two years and now I have stopped. He will not change, I have seen that there’s no reason for me to try anymore to rebuild this marriage, as on the other side he feels he has the right to have her as “a friend”. By doing this he hurts me the most, then I was so afraid he would leave me for her, and actually, he left me two years ago..Commitment must be the only reason, or money, that he still is in this marriage. Or maybe he really loves me? Hard to tell, then for me secrets don’t belong to love, love should be open and honest and respecting in all the ways it can.

    Why did he cheat, because he was that way from the start. Doing things behind my back, and laughing at me when I was suspicious. I don’t know what I was thinking when marrying him, I should have known better.

    He was cheated by his former girlfriend, but he learned nothing of it. He thinks he is not as bad as she was. But, calling me names, making me believe that I am sick and insane, paranoid when suspecting, all this tells me that he is just not worth this pain. I wish that I will find my powers to go and soon.

    I have been thinking that it is love that makes me stay. I truly believe I am the one who loves in this marriage, my husband lives his single life. It is so hurting. I cannot express how humiliating it was that all his co-workers were protecting their “friendship”, they have so good chemistry, that it left no one wonder who should be the pair.

    So I wonder, should I fight, or should I leave, as a real proof of real infidelity never came to daylight. Meaning, that I believe they did not have sex. Since two years I am fighting with myself, if I can or cannot accept this as my gut tells me, this is so wrong towards me. I have lost my will to live, I do not enjoy things that I used to, for two years already..The price I am paying is just too high.

    This relationship is not bringing the best out of me or my husband, and it hurts so much that she has been bringing the best out of my husband..and he is a player, telling me he loves me and just wants to be with me..

  7. kristie says:

    Ok, so any guy who is going to cheat on a girl, does not deserve to even experience a relationship with anyone. It only proves that the guy cares only about himself!! I was once cheated on and Im glad I am no only with my ex. It taught me to be careful when choosing who to date.

  8. maria laurie says:

    Dear Dr. Phil,
    Thank you for your wonderful show. You bring reason and light into a world which seems to have lost its moral compass.
    My husband was unfaithful to me, first with my sister and then, later, with a colleague. In spite of that, I was willing to still work on the marriage since we had two very young children but I said that we had to live apart and start to date and seek counselling in order to rebuild trust and see where it would lead us. He was not willing to do that. If I could not have him at home and guarantee that it would work out, then he would continue with the mistress, which he did.

    I think people who cheat are not mature. They have psychological issues that need to be addressed. They are unable to accept the responsibilities that come with marriage and raising a family. My husband’s lying caused me to doubt myself and the hurt and pain that a cheater imposes on every member of the family is indescribable.
    My compassion and sympathy extends to all those who must walk this path of pain and sorrow.

  9. CJ says:

    Well just looking at these comments- I am not sure why people who have been cheated on settle for so much less from their partners- My x just got caught cheating on me this spring- I received a phone call from the other women’s friend telling me about the fling at his work- I pretended I didn’t receive the call as I always called him at work around a certain time when he came home I drilled him- I didn’t know the answer but could let it go- he always said he loved me- if you loved me you would never do this to me or our family- I checked cell bills nothing- until the truth was ready to come out- I called every number I didn’t recognize but for some weird reason I missed hers. I did find it all out until July- so his affair was about 4 months long- I was faithful from the first day we met- 16 years ago we made it 7 years married I am not counting the last due to the betrayal- now he wants back- My house is peaceful no way- when you give 100% from the start can’t go back and settle to be dead last again. Once a cheater always a cheater- why do we think we are different then the women before us- the people who cheat are never happy- they are the losers not the honest person who gave it there all- yes we can hurt but put your head up high and move forward- think positive, remember there are honest people who are out there just like their are cheaters- don’t settle to be dead last….you deserve more.

  10. Marcy says:

    A year has almost passed since I found out that my husband cheated on me. He started when my daughter was a year and half. We were trying for another baby and he was the one that initiated it. The affair was with his friends wife. I ended up being pregnant. When he got caught he begged to come back told me she meant nothing to him. Then when I was eight months pregnant he told me his feelings for her were bottled up and he decided to leave me as he was no longer in love with me. Now I am raising these kids on my own. The sad thing of it is if he were to knock on the door and beg to come back I would let him. I still love him and didn’t want our marriage to end. How do you get past this??

  11. kistome says:

    Wow, just read Nessy’s post below and it sounds like I could have written that. I am in a 16 year relationship with a man who has never uttered the “M” (marriage) word. He has made it clear to me that he will NEVER marry, not just me…but ANYONE. At the time when I met him, I was okay with that, because I had just came out of a marriage that ended and had a 4 year old daughter. We dated for about 3 mos and somewhere in that 3 mos courtship, I found out that he had another girlfriend in another state, (the state he lived in and had a house in), and when I called there one night after he flew home, she answered the phone. Her and I argued over the phone long distance, as to “who” was the girlfriend. I was hurt and angry, but stupidly believed him when he said that she was NOT his girlfriend, and just some psycho that would not leave him alone and broke into his house that night. So I took him back, stayed with him, dating long distance…seeing each other on weekends…well we talked about having a child together. So we tried for a very long time and after a year I got pregnant. Turns out he was still seeing this girl the whole time, during the trying period of getting pregnant and the whole pregnancy, clear up till when I had the baby. When I found out again, I had already moved my whole life to this new state that he lived in. I had quit my career, got an attorney to get full custody and rights to move my other daughter to this new state…left my parents, packed up everything I had ever owned and moved to be with him. Within a month, I found out about her again. I was devastated…but by then I had already made the move, had no money….and felt helpless…so I stayed with him. . I think we went round and round with that for another year, I ended up getting pregnant again thinking we were doing fine…come to find out he was STILL sleeping with her, because once she found out that I was pregnant she claimed to be pregnant too. (it was a lie)….so again stayed with him, for some reason she eventually went away and I didn’t have to worry about that one anymore….. 5 years went by and we were having some intimacy and communications issues. He worked out of state all the time, and I was left home alone with the kids. I went through some depression because I had just lost both of my grandparents and then my parents went through a divorce and my mom used me to call and cry too all the time and I just couldn’t handle all of it, so when he would come home on the weekends from being out of town all the time….I would push him away. I slept on the couch and did not want to be touched by him. I felt like all he wanted from me was sex, and that I missed the whole “what about me” feeling. Well he cheated on me again, this time with some girl he met in a restaurant in the city he was working in. I remember he didn’t want to give that up once I found out. I actually begged him not to LEAVE me…it was horrible. I was down on my knees begging him not to go. He finally did stay…and from what I remember he stopped talking to her rather quickly. Now cut to this past summer, 2009….it has happened yet again. This time, we were doing fine in our relationship, no worries and then WHAM. Found out because he was out of town and his usual protocol was to call home and see how our day went (kids and I), well this one night he completely blew ALL of us off. Didn’t even bother to call the kids. I found that kind of weird, as he never does that. Well I ended up checking his cell phone calls online and there was a number that showed up all of a sudden, 4 to 5 times a day. So I called the number and found out it was a womans voice mail. I waited until he got home and he asked him who she was…He gave me some BS story that she was a lady he met in a bar and they had mutual friends in this little town he was in and just struck up a friendly conversation. He ended up running into her again at another bar that same evening. He ended up giving her a ride home, so the friendship began. What is so ironic is that this woman did not even live in that town he met her in, she lives in our same state….1000 miles away. So when he flew home, I had no idea of her living here, and one night he told me he had to go “do something”, well that night it happened to be my birthday…well he left and was gone 3 hours..came home and expected for all of us to go to my birthday dinner, but I wasn’t having it. I knew something was up, but just didn’t know what…so I refused to go to dinner. He tried to tell me that his buddy and him went to have a beer and he yelled at me, “I just needed to get out of this HOUSE!” so I let it go. Shortly after that he had to go back to that same state again…by now I had already hacked into his email and saw an email from this lady that she was going to be going back to that state as well….I knew that they would be there together. Apparently that is when he ended up sleeping with her. I didn’t find that out until he was home for a couple of weeks and then he planned another trip to yet a different state, and ended up back at her place again. By then, I had figured it out….and busted him. I was going to leave him for good this time, but his tears and crying keep me from leaving. It is now 6 mos later, and he is STILL talking to this woman, but insists they are just friends and that I am psycho, crazy, looney, over the top, and he says he is going to leave me because I won’t stop all this craziness and accusations about it. How ironic! I am going to leave this time, I am done…no more…I enjoyed Dr. Phils show this evening. It was my life to a T!!

  12. Marcie says:

    My husband cheated, he is very sorry, but it is this simple. The love I have for my husband and for my children is greater than the hate I have for what he did.

  13. tamara malone says:

    so i guess i will get a bashing for posting this. i have been the other woman for the last three years. he started cheating on her and had at least three other relationships (not flings, but actual year long relationships) before i met him. at first i didnt even know he was married. after a month he told me he was separated and not living at home, which was true. then he moved back. since then he has moved out several times, even living with me for a while. ultimately, he went back because she would take him to the cleaners in a divorce, and would even ruin her own financial wellbeing if it meant getting back at him. he has made me promises and told lots of tales about how bad things are at home. thing is, i have ample reason to believe he is telling the truth about how bad it is. she has told me herself. yes, she and i do communicate, if you can call it that. i dont tell her anything that would get me on an episode of snapped though. at this time, she is being told that he and i are not involved. i dont like lying to her, but i dont think it is my place to tell her all the details. she knows about his other affairs. she has caught him with me a number of times too. each time she decided to stay with him. each time he lied, told her he wouldnt see me anymore. each time, within hours (as soon as he could get to a phone) he called me and has never stopped seeing me this entire time. he says he stays because of money. staying married to her is the only way he can continue to provide for them in this economic climate. he cares about her and wants to keep giving her and his daughter the life they are accustomed to, but it is me he loves. even she has told me she thinks thats why he is still with her. but she doesnt understand why he keeps lying to her if he doesnt want to be with her. being with her is the only way he can continue to provide for his child, and by default, her. he knows he is wrong but he doesnt feel enough guilt or shame to want to change. he says he doesnt want to fix their marriage, he just wants to make it tolerable. he is selfish and manipulative, he wants what he wants and does what he does to keep things comfortable for him. he isnt a terrible person, he isnt mean or abusive, or an addict or alcoholic. he is just a workaholic who is unfaithful to his wife. something she said to me recently is that sometimes she forgets that his relationship with me is more than just sex. i think that hurts her more. if she thought it was just sex she could deal with it better, maybe. even though we tell her we arent together any more, she knows. she says she doesnt know for a fact but is very suspicious. all the signs are there. it would be so easy for her to find out so much more, but for her to take the effort to find out would mean acting on the information she discovered. i told her she has had the truth over and over, yet she chose to stay any way. she needles me wanting answers. but what could i tell her without being cruel that would change her mind? what more does she need to hear that could possibly make her leave him? i think thats what he is waiting for, for divorce to be her idea. he thinks thats the only way it will be even slightly amicable and she wont try to destroy everything he has worked so hard for. i think the only way she would even consider leaving her is if he flat out told her the truth and that he loves me. i think he does love me, but he is too selfish and materialistic to make any real sacrifice, for me or for her. i think we are all pathetic fools. so he plays a balancing act, pacifying us both to keep himself comfortable. ive picked it apart a thousand ways. i see it for what it is. it is an affair, and it is wrong. but i am selfish too. i have no excuse. i am not a victim. i am where i have chosen to be, even though it isnt all i want it to be. i dont feel sorry for her at all. she gave up her right to play victim after going back to him so many times knowing full well what he is up to. she doesnt give up because she doesnt want anyone else to have him. maybe thats it. i dont know. i just dont understand two people who admit they are miserable staying together as long as they have. even though she herself has admitted how bad things are between them, i still have to question how bad it could really be if they are still together. so where am i in all this? im busy. im a divorced mom who works full time and literally doesnt have the time to date like a normal person, even if i wanted to. and i have tried. it doesnt work out well. at least with him, our schedules work out where it doesnt cut in to my family time or his. and i am hopelessly in love with him. he is a liar, a manipulator, a cheater. i know it is a possibility he would cheat on me too. i dont think he is a habitual cheater, like with many women all at once. the affairs he has had have been more like serious relationships. its hard to fathom. not only how wrong it is, but how the hell does he get away with it?! people will do exactly what they can get away with. and people treat you how you teach them to. it may not sound like much to you, but he treats me better than anyone ever has. he encourages me, he supports me. he is gentle and sweet. he makes me laugh. he gets on my nerves too. i know what he is capable of, i expect him to lie (all people lie) but i know what to expect from him. you would think she would too. but she says she keeps thinking he will change back to the way he used to be. i told her people dont grow backwards. but of course, im a stupid whore and i dont know what im talking about. she is far crueler to me than i have ever been to her. she is insecure. she is depressed. i empathize at times, but she doesnt have to be where she is at any more than i do, or he does. i dont know if i could stay like she has, knowing all she knows. one affair, maybe. but multiple affairs, multiple women, and one in particular for so long? i know she doesnt have all the facts. that puts her at a disadvantage, she isnt being given the opportunity to make a truly informed decision. but i dont think i should tell her. even if i did, he would likely lie and she would believe him and not me. im not going there. i have nothing to gain by telling her the truth. i dont want him if it means forcing him into it. and i most likely have committment issues of my own. why else would i settle for this kind of relationship? pick that apart…

    so thats my cheating story. run with it….like your holding a pair of sharp scissors. just dont shoot the messenger.

  14. AnnaMay says:

    To say the least, when a husband cheats is complicated!

    Sitting around with friends watching Desperate housewives weekly, we have all agreed that the “cheating jerk” would be out so fast, there’d be track marks.

    BUT when it happens to you and your emotions are traveling at light speed, thoughts and decisions become skewed and the world just doesn’t seem normal anymore.

    For two years, I have felt like I was floating, not grounded, after my husband cheated on me. The hurt has been so great, that it’s immeasurable. Words cannot describe, the feeling one goes through when you first hear it nor when you are healing from it.

  15. Ann says:

    Amazed at the level of emotion this show evoked for me after being out of a marriage for 16 years not all that different from your guest. It was so difficult to watch, seeing her pain, the same pain I experienced due to a life of lies and cheating. I endured 10+ years of cheating throughout most of my 11 year marriage (and 18 year relationship). Then one day, I looked at our 5 year old son and realized that if I didn’t get the strength to change our life, that all that I had dreamed for my child would be doomed. Our life was starting to look and feel like a Jerry Springer episode, and a I just wanted a ‘normal’ life for my son, I knew he deserved so much more and it was my obligation to give him a healthy loving life. So I left a financially secure marriage, I hadn’t worked outside the home for 11 years and it was scary. But I was college educated, and had a great job before the marriage so I gained the confidence that I could do it again. It has been a long road as a single mom, but the life I have been able to provide for my son with alot of hard work and many sacrifices along the way was so worth it when I think about where we were once headed.

  16. Sheryl Davis says:

    I’ve been married for 35 years and have only recently discovered my husband’s infidelities over the years. Some were physical affairs and others were emotional. Of course I had suspicions but when I confronted him he would get angry and turn things around and have me believe it was all in my head or that I was jealous, etc. and convince me that he only wanted me so I had no choice but to believe him. Additionally, it was what I wanted to hear and believe. It wasn’t until one of our heated arguments that he actually slipped up and told me the truth (out of anger) about having an affair three years into our marriage and when I was pregnant with our first child. That was only the beginning of my awakening since that was the proof I needed to push him into telling me about all his extramarital affairs. Ultimately I now consider myself to be his ‘homewife’ and all the other women he forms relationships with at work his ‘workwives’. He seems to need more than one woman at a time. He may not sleep with each one but he strings them along where they believe he cares deeply for them through making them feel important when he only is having a good time flirting and getting their attention. They think he deeply cares for them when he has no intention of ever leaving me for them. I really feel just as bad for them as I do for myself. We do not deserve to be treated as puppets for his pleasure. But here I am still contemplating about my future. He now gets angry that he has apologized and I haven’t gotten over it yet. Obviously he is in denial about the damage he has caused to our marital bond. I’ve lost respect for him and am no longer blind to the truth. I’ve tried numerous times to give him time to change his behavior towards women and still see he ‘needs’ them. He is so self absorbed that he tells me he’s tired of waiting on me to get over it when all that does is let me know he doesn’t take responsibility for what he’s done and will ultimately do it again and again and again. Because of my experiences I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s part of their moral character.

  17. Ann says:

    It’s these kinds of shows, Dr. Phil, that you need to show more often. Infidelity IS a huge problem today. Morals and values are out the door. Marriage and commitment mean nothing. Speaking from experience, I am in a 30 year marriage. My husband preached to me about how he did not believe in cheating and he could never do that to someone he didn’t love. And, like a loving wife, I fully believed him, honored him and adored him. We had a great sex life and I always made sure that I kept myself looking “top-notch” He’s a selfish man and always had to have his nites out with the guys. I trusted him and loved him so much that I allowed that while I sat home with my child and waited for him to come home. He had a better life than any man I knew out there and of the men I knew, they all made comments about how they would never get away with that with their wife. Then, on our 20th wedding anniversary, it all came crashing down. I learned that from the first year we were married that he had cheated on me. Of the women I know about, there have been about 7 thourghout my marriage. Thinking back about it all…..there were signs and clues, but because he pounded it in my head how he did not believe in that….I disregarded it all and considered him just a friendly guy to others. There are also women out there who cheat with married men fully knowing they are married with children and they don’t care. They are jealous and will do anything they can to tear that man away from his family. To any woman out there who is cheating with a married man who believe’s his line of bull you are only fooling yourselves. While he is telling you all sorts of good and nice things…don’t kid yourself….he is badmouthing you right and left to his wife. Every time I suspected something with the women my husband had affairs with and I would bring up their names…he would call them fat hogs, ugly, gross and tell me that I was crazy for thinking he would ever do that. The women who are involved with these married men need to get smart…..he will never leave his family for you…that will always be a stronger bond. You will only be a shadow in the distance for the rest of your lives, and if he does leave his wife for you….it will only be a matter of time before he does it to you. Touche’
    That has got to be a wifes best revenge. Yes, I’m still married and have not read the book yet that the woman wrote that was on your show. I am in a recovery class and I have taken control of my life. I have grown up, I have changed and I have become a very smart woman and guesse what? She is right…..once you take charge of your life and your marriage, everything changes for the better. What great advice, it’s working for me and will work for you. Can’t wait to get the book. My love goes out to all married women who are struggling trying to be good mothers and loving wives. There needs to be more support and recognition to you all. Robin McGraw, from woman to woman…your an inspiration to me and I love you. :-)

  18. Joy says:

    I have been cheated on after 17 year of marriage, we have 3 children together. And after watching your show yesterday, I was thinking WOW! It brought back alot of memories and I know how she feels BUT she REALLY needs counseling to help her get out because she is taking whatever he dishes. My X was always sitting in counseling swearing he was done with the other one but that was not the truth. He would Lie to me and I would see phone records and he would deny it and when I showed him ONLY then he would say oh yeah I talked to her today.. I knew for me to be healthy on all levels I continued counseling for 2 1/2 years and left and it was hard on the kids. They are 14, and twins 11 and I got them counseling. He is a good dad just can’t be faithful. I am healthy and happy now and remarried. I have a total different outlook on life and will forever be changed. But life is to short to let someone break every part of you and they continue to be selfish and put them selves first.

  19. Martha says:

    My husband left me pregnant with my 8th child after destroying both my credit and my reputation. I am still finding out more lies he told about me so that his co-workers and friends would find him justified in leaving.
    Any mistress that thinks the cheaters stories about how hard it is at home are true needs to get their eyes opened. Cheaters are liars plain and simple.
    Funny thing is, its easier to raise 8 children on limited income by myself than when he was at home. Hmmm…
    I loved my husband and was a darned good wife. My X wouldn’t be able to appreciate a good thing if it slapped him in the face. His loss.

  20. Raymond says:

    When will you do a show on the other man? Why do we pay more attention to men cheating than women cheating? On shows where they do tackle the topic of cheating wives, the wives get more sympathy and the husband is sitll blamed for the infidelity. Could you please tackle that subject.

  21. Amy says:

    I have been married for 20 years and we have 3 daughters. My husbands’ job takes him away from home a lot. I have always had that thought in the back of my head that he had been seeing someone. I would base it on his mood swings. These swing would be few and far apart but he would make feel like I was an idiot. I’m one who would let bills run to the cut off and not keep the house in tip top condition for him when he came home. A few months ago he got a phone call on his work cell phone and he was in the bathroom and asked me to see who it was. I then had scrolled through his call log and had noticed that there was calls to and from another women. Again I had let it go thinking that it may have been business. I then got that feeling and had gone into his emails and found one from her that was lenthy in were she was and what she was doing and ended in hugs and kisses. He had replied with a short one with glad your doing well and I will see you soon, with love and my husbands name. I had asked who this woman was and he said she was just a friend and they just keep every now and again. A few weeks ago, I had gone through his work cell again because after I had asked him about her he has stopped bringing home his person cell phone and his laptop. So I had seen that her name has been changed in his contact list but the number was the same so I has again asked him who this women was. He had said that she was someone who was related to work. Then I asked him what kind of business he had with her. He just looked at me with a blank look and I said that I had known that she was the same person by the phone number. It turns out that she is an ex-girlfriend and he said that their relationship didn’t work out and they had remained friends over the years. From what he had describe sound like and emotional relationship and that he care about what has been going on with her. I’m at a loss, I feel like I lost my best friend. He claims that he hasn’t seen her in years which I think is a lie. I told him that he had to pick one of us and right off the bat he said I love you. I told him that if I find out that he was still talking to her that I would leave him because he had disrespected me by keeping secrets. If she was just a friend why didn’t he ask me to meet her. I don’t know if it was the body language or what but it just doesn’t feel right to me. He still doesn’t bring his person cell or his laptop home. I am a person who would not keep in touch with my ex’s, I believe that it just complicate my life and who ever I was with. I just don’t know why if they were just friends, why am I just finding out about her and have never after 20 had heard of her before? Am I really that stupid?

  22. PK California says:

    The wife should immediately file for divorce! Her husband is using her in the MOTHER role. She is a great wife, mother,and housekeeper. She is devoted to him and does his laundry, while he goes off to play with his girlfriend! This is not an AFFAIR! This is an ongoing relationship and I believe he prefers the other woman to his wife. The only time he started to cry was when he was told he had to break with the other woman. He only went on the show to get hIS WIFE FIXED! His wife has already wasted too many years on him. I don’t believe any amount of therapy will change his selfish behavoir. The people who were in your audience, I don’t believe, had the same problem. When you speak of an affair, it’s usually a slip, maybe a one time thing. That may be fixed, if the cheater can reform. The man on the stage has had a continous relationship. This is not an affair! This is having a home at home and sex elsewhere. He doesn’t want to give up either. Who would do his laundry, fix his meals, clean his house and care for his children? The other woman doesn’t have anything to do except cater to his ego and fuss over HIM! The wife should kick him out! She must not be the one to leave. He’d only bring in his girlfriend. The kids should stay in their home with their mother. The BIG KID should go live with his lover and let’s see how fast she’ll do his laundry, clean his house, fix his meals! This will be more helpful to him than anything else that could be done, especially when he has to pay child support. PARTY TIME IS OVER!

  23. Andrea says:

    I believe that marriages should be worked on. If you overcome the adversity then your marriage will grow. That includes infideity. Unfortuntealy I was the one that had the affair, I justified it and it felt right, but then I got caught. My husband did not stand for it- as he should not have too. I changed, grew up and and rebuilt the trust and our marriage is better than ever. If the infideilty were to continue after this – then that would tell us that the marriage is not true. The bottom line to me is to work on issues (any issues) but if they reoccur then You will need to take action.

  24. Marie says:

    Well, I am experiencing a cheater for the 2nd time, actually this is number 3, but I wasn’t married to the first cheater. I have to say that this one is so much more hurtful. My husband knows my past, what i’ve been through and even everything about my first husband and yet I opened a door to another life he’s been living for years. Here I’ve went from a sick man, to sicker, to sickest. He is currently getting help from several groups and therapy and says he wants to change. Ask your man if he is the husband that he wants his daughter to marry? My depression and hurt runs very deep, I know I can forgive, but I can’t forget. I filed for divorce 11-13. One day I want us to work, one day I don’t. It’s a mess to say the least.My therapist says I don’t have to make a decision either way right now. She also says we’re looking at doing at least 18 months of intensive marriage counseling. It’s my choice to do as I did in my first marriage. I want to try and if we don’t remain together, then I can look back and know that I, myself tried. My health isn’t good and my mind isn’t either right now, just got fired. I’m doing the best I can in this world we live in. I want to know why I keep choosing the same type of man. There is a book called “The Seven Dumbest Mistakes that Smart People Make” author: Carolyn Bushong. There are 3 out of 7 chapters that hit me dead on. I would highly recommend this. Not saying that it is my fault for his actions and behaviors. But it’s opened me up to how I get in these abusive relationships and how I stay in them with me the only one trying to grow spiritually. I have always set boundaries, just no consequences when people cross the line. That’s in my friendships as well as my marriages. I pray for everyone who has been ripped apart. There is a line in the movie “Living Out Loud” when Holly Hunter says:”Isn’t it amazing what we find ourselves agreeing to”

  25. Jeanie says:

    I found out in July that my husband had been cheating on me since May 08 with a co-worker. I couldn’t believe it. I had always trusted him and thought that he would never cheat on me. We have been together 26 years and have 3 children. He traveled for work 3 to 4 days a week. When I confronted him he said that he would try and make it work with me if I wanted to. I didn’t know what I wanted but I didn’t want him if he really loved her and wanted to be with her. He said that he loved her but we had a history and he would try to make it work. I was consumed with hurt and didn’t really want to spend much time with him that first month, month and a half. Then I went to visit a friend for a week with one of my children and my other 2 children went to visit friends so he was all alone. Found out when I got back that she came to visit him while we were gone. He had not ended it with her. I asked him to leave, i felt i hated him more than ever. For some reason after a couple of days I felt sorry for him because he had no where to go and let him come back home. I started going to a therapist. Which was the best thing I could do. He told me he ended it again and would also go to therapy. By October we were both going to therapy once a week alone and going to couples therapy. To me this was working great. We seem to be connecting and working through a lot of our issues. We were not sleeping together but I was starting to like him again and enjoying his company. Then I found out the beginning of December he had never broke off the affair and that he had asked her to marry him. I confronted him again and he said that he didn’t remember asking her to marry him because he must have been drunk. That he really was working on our relationship 100%. I said that it was not possible to work on our relationship 100% and still have a girlfriend. He disagreed. I told him he had to be totally honest with me, end it with her and go to therapy. If he couldn’t commit to that then he needed to leave. So he moved out in December but he came over everyday in the morning for coffee until bed time. This wasn’t working for me. I couldn’t understand why he moved if he was going to be over all the time. A couple of days before Christmas he said he ended the affair again. I told him that was great but i needed a little space. That he shouldn’t come over so much. Christmas wasn’t that great he gave me a book, “Soccer for Dummies”. I was hurt by the gift and thought that he could have come up with a gift a little more loving. He then was depressed that I was not giving him attention so he called her again and made plans to leave for 5 days to visit her without letting me know that he was going anywhere. We have 3 children if something had happen to them there was no way to contact him. He wasn’t answering phone calls from me or our children which was very hard on them. Because I didn’t know that he was gone I was asked to a New Years Eve party at a friend’s house who didn’t invite him so I said no to the invitation because I knew it would hurt him. I texted him on the 30th of December to see what he would like for New Years Day dinner with the kids and I didn’t hear from him. I tried the next day again and I asked him if he had any plans for New Years Eve because I wanted to do something. Then is when I found out he had plans with “friends” . I didn’t know anything about him leaving town and visiting his girlfriend. Again he is telling me that he wants to work it out.
    Please talk to me. Am I so stupid? Is he ever going to really be honest and end this relationship. Is there any hope for us? I tried to watch your show today but I missed the first 35 minutes and I haven’t figured out how to watch it on line. I need help. I can’t even speak to my therapist anymore because we changed our insurance and she isn’t on it. I grew to really look forward to speaking with her each week. I feel that I am all alone.

  26. Sherry says:

    Dr. Phil

    I have been struggling with this very thing for quite some time, and I just cannot get over it.
    I was a very happy with him, and I thought he felt the same. Until I learned the truth……………

    I was in a Committed Relationship with my boy friend- now husband.
    We had been together for 17 months, when I found out via notes on his blackberry that he was emotionaly involved with a co-worker, whom he dated before I came along. When confronted, he made me to believe it had only just started, meant nothing, and nothing had happened. It was very hard to go on. I never trusted him again, always doubted, always needed an explanation, too much questioning, and more hurts as the issue continued to come up.

    With counseling on my part and much talk, we continued the relationship.
    7 Months later, we married. 11 days later, I found out the whole truth much to my searching for answers and looking at records etc. I found he had been lying to me and cheating on me about every month in the first 17 months we were together. Telling me stories about needing to go out of town for an early next morning meeting, when actually he had been getting out of the house every month to go be with her, sleep with her. Having business trips and actually leaving 2 days early so he could spend the weekend with her… Lies Lies Lies… I cannot stand it!!
    Then coming home pretending all was normal as can be. Do you know how that made me feel after finding all this out?

    So after almost 1 year of marriage, I am no more better and in fact worse emotionally that ever before.
    It has never been the same for me.
    I do not know if something like this can ever be fixed.

    I have never felt he was truly remorseful, never explained as to why he did this, no answers, which leaves me feeling empty inside.
    I do not think the cheating partner ever feels like the cheated does. Until you have been in Love, experienced it, then were cheated and lied too, you do not feel the total impact. Dr. Phil, I need a very wise Therapist to help me through this. I cannot do this on my own.

    My advice.. If your Partner believes the best in you – then be the Best. ESTEEM one another. Do Right… You will prosper , live longer, and be a happier person.
    Never betray someones trust in you- by lying, cheating with another.
    YOU will always be remembered for the wrong you did.

    It’s funny- well not funny really. All his good stuff, and he was a pretty great guy- seems forgotten, only his betrayal stands out, for now.

  27. SHERRY says:

    DR. PHIL

    JUST READ OVER YOUR ADVICE ON AFFAIRS. IT’S GOOD MEDICINE. NEEDED TO HEAR IT, MAYBE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

  28. Maddie says:

    Can a marriage survive infidelity? Yes.
    I think it depends on the situation and the personalities of the married couple but if someone is able to forgive and give another chance for the cheater to prove that they have changed 100%, it can be fixed.
    I cheated on my husband, worst of all we were married for less than a year. Not a day goes by that I don’t hate myself for what I did. It was wrong and there is no excuse for what I did. Why did I do it? Attention..
    I was not seeking for someone else nor would I have ever thought I would end up doing such a terrible thing. My husband and I were in love but I was not happy with the changes from dating to be married. He would come home from work, tired and play video games for hours and barely acknowledge my existence in the room. He just wanted to do his own thing and I, who was self employed had very little work at the time so sitting at home all day was beginning to bore me. I wanted him to spend time with me and go out or do something other than sit around the house at least have a good conversation with me. Every time I asked him to spend time with me he said no.. he was tired from working. So I stopped asking, I didn’t want to nag. It caused me to have low self esteem and believe that he no longer cared for me.

    Then a client of mine started coming in twice a week and it was obvious that he came just to see me. I told him I was married and loved my husband but he still persisted. I tried to resist him but I didn’t try hard enough, soon I couldn’t help but admire his compliments and his desire to spend time with me. He was 12 years older and very attractive and very accomplished. He eventually asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him. He started texting me all day and it was nice to have someone to talk to. He started coming to where I worked even more and eventually one thing led to another.. I tried to resist and stay just friends for a while but once I started to have feelings for him I couldn’t help but want to be with him.

    The more time I spent with him, the less I wanted to be with my husband.. I started to resent my husband for not spending time with me and began to want a divorce. I questioned that I had married too young (20 years old.) I did not mention anything to my husband I just wanted to think things out on my own. Eventually our relationship led to a sexual affair that lasted for a couple months. The affair ended badly and I discovered that he was not in the middle of a divorce like he told me but married with 4 young children and seeing another woman my age for over a year (who left her husband for him) while seeing me. I ended the affair.

    About a month later I told my husband everything. He had no idea of what was going on. I felt terrible for what I had done and realized that I still loved my husband very much and that a divorce would only make me feel empty all I wanted was more time from him. Obliviously he was very upset but he still loved me. He knew that despite the fact that I had cheated and lied to him, I was still the same person that he fell in love with. I had the same personality and all the qualities he wanted in a wife. It didn’t make sense to end a marriage based on one bad thing…

    He didn’t trust me right away which was expected I had to earn my trust. I told him where I was going to be exactly every time I left the house for the first month or two. He checks my phone and internet activity randomly and calls my work to make sure I’m there when I say I am. I have proved myself to him again. We now love each other more than we did the day we married. I truly do understand how much pain I have caused him, I watched him cry time and time again. I watched him get sick to his stomach and angry and become distant. I saw how much my betrayal hurt him. Him knowing that I understand how much this has hurt him has caused him to trust me again. I did not think about how much this would have hurt him before I had the affair, I knew it was wrong but I didn’t think about how much pain and how much of a mess it would cause.

    Communication is the biggest factor in a marriage, if I would have told him how important it was for him to spend time with me and told him that someone at work was showing interest in me he would have stepped up and I would have not had a reason to want an affair. I still miss my lover from the affair and I am deeply hurt that it was all a game to him. Despite being hurt by him it is still a battle every day to not pick up the phone and call my lover. But I know that what I have with my husband is so much more than what I had with him. I know my husband cares about me very much. And I don’t ever want to come that close to losing him again. I know if I have another affair our marriage is over. That is what keeps me from calling him.

    It has now been about 7 months since I told my husband the truth and we are back to being a normal happy couple. The affair showed him how close he was to losing me and showed me how much he really does care about me.

  29. again- sh says:

    Dr. Phil,

    Even though there is hurt- anger- all of this, I want my relationship to work. I found out I was only hurting the relationship more by continually bringing it up and being unhappy. It made my husband feel worsr not better. I know I have much to learn. We have much to learn.. Hopefull heal and be better people.

    Thanks for letting me share.

  30. Jessica says:

    The man Matt on this infedelity show is DISGUSTING. He is the epitome of what women do not want in a man. Lying, cheating, deceiving, and treating his wife with absolutely NO respect.. He does not love her or respect her, and he does NOT deserve her!!!!!
    This woman deserves so much better than this pathetic excuse for a man. He continues to cheat on all these women and have a “back up” because he is afraid to be alone. This man doesn’t deserve 1 women, much less multiple women.
    What a LOSER.
    Girl, I know it is hard because you have history, and especially because you have children with this man, but YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS LOSER!!
    Leave him and find love within yourself, and then a good man will find his way to you!
    Seriously, you DESERVE BETTER!
    Good luck!

  31. Brenda says:

    I missed the last segment where Dr. Phil said why people surveyd said they would stay with a cheater. I was curious about what was said.

  32. geraldine says:

    My Husband+Her Lover+His Marriage=Infidelity divided by the possibilty of recovery by all three.A warm welcome to club of betrayed wives that you never asked to become a heart(not card carrying) carrying member.I officially joined in 2007.The concept that men cheat on their wives because of something they couldn’t get at home is bull.Today’s modern women know how to please a man. Men cheat on their wives because of something inside of them.Cheating is a means of easing that something by doing something that takes them to another place so to speak.It could of been for example gambling but they chose cheating.Society had for years accepted the notion that men beat their wives for something that the wife did or didn’t do. We now know undoubtly that something was wrong with the husband.As for the mistress, why is she playing this role? Once the affair ends and sometimes abruptly she is left with highs and the lows.She should be willing to look at the part she played and take a personal inventory of her life.A couple can recovery if:the husband immediately cuts all ties with the mistress,be willing to answer his wife’s questions,both husband and wife stay open minded,willing to seek counseling together and alone,seek spiritual guidance,spend quality time with eacher other ,be willing to forgive and love each other.

  33. Amber says:

    Okay….so here’s me experience of being the “other woman”.

    An ex-boyfriend of mine called me at my place of work after not speaking or seeing him after about 6-8years or so. He just wanted to call and see how I was doing and how things have been. I asked him the same. He indicated he was engaged and had a new baby with his current fiance. Of course, he dwelled on all of the negative that he was currently experiencing with his fiance. I recently had divorced from my ex-husband so we were able to talk about our sorrows. I was pleased to hear from him, but didn’t think anything more about it. Next thing you know, he kept calling me and venting his frustrations. And in the midst of talking he would comment on our “old days” how good is was to talk to me again. (You could see the writing on the wall.) Within a short period of time he had initiated the idea of meeting. And I was so unsure of what to do. I agreed to meet with him. Now keep in mind….I HATE CHEATERS! But I ended up meeting with him, and justified it with the concept that he just needed someone to talk to regarding his current situation. We would me at a local coffee house, after work. After meeting a few times, when I was getting in my car to leave, he approached me for a kiss. (I accepted) For me it was refreshing, and I wanted him back in my life before I knew it. He began telling me that he was going to leave his fiance, and we would be together. I thought it was to-good-to-be-true…..AND I WAS RIGHT. He kept pushing back the date of when he was going to leave his fiance, but at the same rate kept telling me what I wanted to hear. I gave him my cell phone number, and he began calling me that way. He would call me when he was at home with his son there. He would call me when he took breaks at work. He even asked if he could come over to my house to see me (when his newborn son was with him). Right about when everything was at it’s peak, out of the blue he began to quit calling me or wouldn’t take my calls. I was really heart-broke (yes…I know…very stupid thinking on my part) Anyways, after a little time passed I got a phone call from his fiance. She was very kind. She asked my name and why my phone number was on her fiance’s cell phone so much. I told her very little information at first, but was honost with the information I did share. After we hung up, I thought about our conversation for a few days, and then decided to call her back and tell her the whole truth. I invisioned how I would feel if I was her, and I thought her position in this triangle was much more important than mine. I was able to seperate from him with no strings-attached. Whereas she actually had an involved relationship with him and their child together. I really felt bad for her and I both. I ended up telling her everything. I was very genuine and apologetic for my part. I let her know that if she ever needed anything she could call me anytime. Anyways, this experience changed my life. It changed my life in both positive and negative ways. (I actually allowed mself to get emotionally involved with him…and cried many nights missing this person that I really didn’t have to begin with).

    Ultimately, I don’t understand how the women and/or mistresses from the show could justify being victims. I think the only thing they could claim being is stupid and nieve. An average person, such as myself, who allows themself to get tangled in a relationship with an already committed person, is not looking at the whole picture. It was a selfish act on my part….and I feel I got what I deserved. Just as I belive that the “mistresses” got what they deserve. These women truly have issues, if they cannot seek out a healthy relationship on their own.

    Dr. Phil…..please help these people. They just don’t get it.!!!

    Keep up the Good Work!

    Amber

  34. becky gordon says:

    I too cheated on my spouse, not to get even but to end the relationship. He told me that if I ever cheated then he would leave me. So I called his bluff! after years of verbal abuse between the two of us and disrespecting each other in public I felt it was time to move on. Thank God my husband didnt mean what he said about leaving. We were too imature to seek counseling until we were at the breaking point. Now after 2 years of counseling we have a great deal of respect for each other, we know each others love language and how to communicate with each other and yes we have date nights. Remeber the years of your marriage and like the years of a child. So if you think that their may be a chance dont throw in the towel. Seek a Christian mediator. It will save your marriage if you choose too. P.S. I feel like an affair is like a dog bite. Once the dog taste the blood, they will bite again without help. Or it could be a temptation from the devil testing your self control.

  35. Jackson says:

    Okay don’t shoot the messenger. I have been the other woman, and would still be the other woman if he hadn’t got caught. It has been going on for about 15 years, with know one knowing. But she just thinks it has been goin on for a few months. I think if she looked harder and long she would find out more. The day he called to tell me that she checked his text messages, and found one to me, I was devastated,but he never once told me that it would be over just he had to go cold turkey for awhile, which meant, he wouldn’t be calling me for a while. (and this has happened before- no calling) The great sex that we have had is unbelievable, I just think that there are things that he can do with me that she would NEVER do with her, even though they are married.

    Oh the things that we have done and the places we have went is just amazing.
    As for why this happened is behond me, I think he is unhappy at home and they have lots of fights about the kids – they have her, his and theirs- so I think that makes for rough times and that I am just an escape. I really do think that he will come back just give him time. I am telling you the sex was great and I don’t think that we can stay away from that.

    So from my point ladies, check your husbands cell phone and I mean every call and every text, If you have to log on to the internet to check records. I would If you think he might be cheating cause I bet he is. I would like to say more but really I would just keep it to myself. Oh yes I am married too.

  36. Hilda says:

    Hilda says:
    It’s all well and good that all the angles of this issue are looked at, but in the end, wrong is wrong. I had a partner who I was involved with and believed to be an intelligent man less inclined to be drawn into an affair (he is 60 yrs of age, the married girl (20 yrs). I tried addressing the issue through communication, but he did not want to hear it. The other girl had full awareness of her actions but did not care. I can not say with good faith that mistresses of any kind have any good intent to help anyone but themselves and the men who engage in affairs with these mistresses are not thinking about their loved ones if they are having these affairs.

  37. iilse says:

    cheating is wrong full stop, these women that are mistresses are not the victims, the wives are the victims. most times it’s these women that seek the married men. it’s not about the home front at all, these women chase these men and they must be held accountable for their actions. if they don’t know they are married, then when they knew they should have said no and never contact the man again. i have been married twice and they both cheated. i tried to forgive it but the trust was gone. im now married a 3rd time and my husband is perfect and he would never cheat, i know that sounds corny or unrealistic but it is true. if he ever cheated that’s it out the door.mistresses are to blame for the marriage breakdown, in some instances its the men but mainly the women who pursues them which are at fault.

  38. Kevin says:

    Ive been the other man while having a relationship with the other woman. I met my wife Marsha in an aol chatroom. She was married at the time and was cheating on her husband because he cheated on her. Some months into the relationship she told me she was having second thoughts about letting go of her nine year marriage. This had happened before and usually it passed and we continued with me living with her most of the time. One morning she put my clothes on the bed and told me she needed time to sort out her feelings, go home. I left but I didn’t go home… my ex wife had a friend that she thought would get along with me well. She was a psychologist named Deanna but she was 15 years my junior. The off and on with my future wife had me wondering if there was a future for us anyway so I met Deanna that night and before the night was over we had consumated our new friendship. After a few days Marsha called and we told each other how we missed each other… she wanted to have dinner with me.

    We had dinner and I didn’t tell her I was seeing someone new because I didn’t know where we were heading. We seen each other a few more times but still I didn’t mention the new woman. When Marsha noticed I wasn’t calling her much anymore she thought I was giving her space to figure her life out but she was wrong.

    For a year I grew closer to both women and told lie after lie covering my tracks. My co workers knew what was going on and quite often while I spoke with one the other was on hold. When my daughter went to work for the Psychologist and grew fond of her but she knew what I was doing as did my son and neither approved. The situation came to a head when my Daughter gave Deanna Marshas address.

    Nothing much to tell about that night that you cant imagine. I left Marshas while her and Deanna were still in the driveway feeling strangely at peace. It was out, no more secrets and I had a clean slate all I needed was a new circle of friends.

    A few days or a week passed and Marsha called me for an explanation. I was in the wrong for not being open with her about Deanna and Deanna was the ultimate victim of the situation having been humiliated and hurt very deeply. It took a long time but Marsha and I put a bandaid on the scar and began to build a new relationship one day at a time. Even though we weren’t married at the time it was still my fault for not being honest to these two women that placed their faith in me only to have it shattered. I called Deanna a month or so afterwards to apologize and let her know there was never anything wrong with her it was all me. I haven’t spoken to her or any other woman romantically except my wife since. Marsha and I married 8 years ago… our third marriage each and this is it. No more lies, were a team, were a couple and there will never be another secret.

  39. tricia says:

    I am a 55yearold woman I was married for 30yrs. I met my husband when was 14yrs old. During that he was very abrusive but with me being so I knew no better. So Imarried him anyways at 18yrs old. 5yrs after we were married Ifound he was cheating I had just a baby he 3months old. Then became abrusive again he slap me around when I caught him the other woman he throw a beer can at me and tried kick me in the head with a pair of steel toe booths. But I still stayed
    with him. I think he stop cheating for a minute. Than I end up having 3more kids
    More physical and mental abruse and I find out he was having lots of other affairs.
    The in 2000 I find out he was having a affair with with his friend mistress. He left at the time he was 50yrs old she was 23and she was white.The reason she was white that is when Ifound why he hated me because Iam black he says all black women arent nothing but he a black man his mother is black sisters and
    daughter.But Idivorced him finally but to this he does not take responabity for nothing.He tells our kids the reason we are divorce is because I divorced him for no reason. But they know the thruth . All I have to say to all the women is run fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  40. Joe says:

    Dr. Phil — I am a husband who was unfaithful, and would like to reply.

    But first, I want to say is that I and my wife have worked with Anne and Brian Bercht and they are the real thing — people who know how to instill hope where there is only the worst despair, and whose advice is among the best to be found in recovering from the tragedy of infidelity.

    The second thing I want to say is that the only person who deserves unqualified empathy is the betrayed wife (or betrayed husband). Unfaithful spouses and their affair partners inflict pain on themselves and others for which only they bear responsibility. Unfaithful spouses and their partners can perhaps be pitied for their emotional immaturity and recklessness, but they are not ever innocent. Ever. If they are victims of anything, it is of their own relationship issues. The other woman gives up her right to claim victimhood the moment she knowingly poaches on another relationship. They know the betraying husband is lying to his wife, children, coworkers, etc: how can they imagine the husband is not lying to the affair partner as well? (Let me ask you, would you hire a sex offender as a babysitter? A bank robber as an accountant?) I know I was an egotistical immature lying childish schmuck. I am clear on that. I take responsibility for having been a lying cheater. I always assumed my affair partner knew I was a lying cheater, since I obviously was. She was a liar also. I wonder if we as society don’t hold these women to the same standard as men, and see them as victims as a way to somehow protect them from the consequences of their predatory behavior.

    The third thing is that marriage issues and affair issues are completely and totally different topics. Couples shouldn’t attempt to deal with them at the same time. Marriage issues are never ever an excuse for infidelity. The merest suggestion that they are is a horribly toxic thought, akin to blaming survivors for their loved one’s suicide.

    Finally, I also want to say, to couples who want to stay together after infidelity, there is hope. Anne/Brian Bercht are just one source of guidance, but they are right on target. I as a formerly unfaithful man who is totally committed to not only repairing and healing my marriage but to repairing and healing the things within me that influenced my terrible decisions and behavior. Previously unfaithful men who are lucky enough to get and embrace a second chance will tell you that they feel reborn. It’s not an exaggeration.

  41. Nancy LeBlanc says:

    Hi Dr Phil

    I missed the first hour of American Idol to watch this show and I’m from Boston where they were airing it but I’m so glad I did. I was married for eighhteen years when I found out my husband was cheating on me with someone he worked with. I thought we had the perfect family and marriage. We have two great sons. I stayed in the marriage and we went to marriage counseling and tried to make it work but I found out two years later he never stopped seeing her..friends told me… not him. He left. I was devastated for a very long time, It has been fifteen years and I still have some bad days. I am a stronger person because of it. I still try sometimes to make sense out of it and I hear myself repeating to myself “You can’t make sense out of nonsense” and you can’t talk logical to an illogical person. My only regret is that I didn ‘t kick him out the first time. My advice to anyone who goes through this if you don’t see total remorse from this person and I mean remorse you can feel. This person needs to go because he doesn’t get and probably never will. Dr Phil when you interview these other womand could you please ask them to put themselves in my shoes for just one minute to feel the pain because the pain is unbelievable. I lost my Dad that the age of fourteen and my brother at the age of 22 and this betrayal was more painful. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me. If they can’t feel my pain then I think your wasting your time with this show. Another thing they might like to know was my mother was the other woman in an affair she had so I had that to deal with too. I couldn’t even be consoled by her. Please feel my pain. Maybe a show with a panel of them and a panel of us might make them see or not. Anyways thanks for your advice over the years it has helped me! Hugs!!

  42. Sylvia says:

    What a great show. After 20 years of marriage my husband cheated on me with a much younger co-worker. He also blamed his cheating on me. This does damage your self worth. I have come to realize this was his choice. Blaming me (he brought up things from 10 years ago) is his way to justify what he is doing. He moved out of the house a month ago. I’m sure he would have stayed but he wanted to attend his company Christmas Party without me and wanted to spend Christmas with her. I would like to know why women chase after married men who are living with their wives? Obvoiusly there are self esteem issues there.
    I am gradually rediscovering who I am. It is a long painful process but will be worth it in the end.
    Thanks Dr Phil for addressing these difficult issues.

  43. Jayne says:

    Dr. Phil,
    My husband and I watched your show the other day. I found out in October that he had had an affair with a younger woman at work for the past 4 and half years. We have married for 21 years. Never would I have thought this would have happened in our marriage. We have always been so connected. He said he had been trying to end the affair for the past 2 years, but it was tough. They did not sleep together,but would meet in parking lots like teenagers. she is married with 2 young children of her own. She no longer works with him (hasn’t for the past 2 years). He said it started out with him giving her advice about her marriage which wasn’t a good one.

    We are still together. We have a wonderful counselor and he has broken all ties with her. I left her a message on her voicemail and it scared her to death. she told him she didn’t want him contacting her anymore and that I was more important. My husband says he’s always loved me and would never leave me. He told her from the start that the ground rules were just that–he was in love with me and wouldn’t leave me or our children. I have to say, we have become such a strong couple! We are doing things together again. He admits he was wrong and continually tries to gain my full trust. We love each other and it’s better than ever.

    Our story is unique, I’m sure. But if you had a great marriage before the affair, it can come back stronger than ever if you work at it.

  44. Monica says:

    After only 2 years of marriage and after having my daughter, who was 8 months at the time, I discovered via our cell phone bill that my husband was having an affair for the past 3 months. To this day he swears he didn’t sleep with her “only kissed.” It doesn’t matter the hurt is just as deep. We are still together, 2 years later by the grace of God and a good Counselor. I decided I owed it to our daughter and our vows to try. Just because he didn’t stick to them doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. I beg anyone who even thinks about cheating to think twice. The long term effect runs deeper than you know. I will NEVER forget what he did. Do I talk about it daily …no..can I type this without crying..yes. But the marriage has been scarred. Our counselor put it like this. A marriage with an affair is like a car in an accident. You can total the car or you can rebuild it. IF you rebuild it when someone scrutinizes it closely you will notice the old scratches. So you have to really take care of the rebuilt car.

    You can never do over an affair. The marriage is forever changed.

  45. carly says:

    My husband’s multiple affairs began 33 years ago, about 6 months after our wedding! I knew of a couple, overlooked several “flings”,but this current one has really shown a light on the loser I married. He refuses to acknowledge having done anything wrong,presumably because that would force him to actually take responsibility for his actions and admit that, yeah, he IS a creep! The “other woman” moved to our area for the express purpose of pursuing my husband and lifestyle, all the while putting forth a false front of friendship with me. She and my husband were caught “in the act” by HER husband and her then 8 year old son. Her 3rd husband, I might add. In our “pre-affair” conversations she was always bad-mouthing her husband, saying how and when she planned to divorce him, what she was going to “get out of him”. She was gambling even then on the ultimate breakup of MY marriage because of her! This affair has been going on for 5 years and knowing NOW what a sociopath and liar my husband is ( and has always BEEN!) I suspect very strongly that he has made promises to her that she has banked her marriage and children on……and lost. I refuse to leave my home, give up my lifestyle and activities so that she can ease on in to my home without a lot of fuss and muss. She was forced to move out of her large house and has her children only on weekends,had to sell a truck, get rid of a horse and her trailer. My husband has taken a nosedive in the popularity polls in our area, along with her. This is a tight knit community and not much goes on that everyone doesn’t know about. This “OW” was never well liked before all this came to light, and now she is even less so. Having lived here his entire 60 years, my husband has not been quite so ostracized, but there has been a subtle shift in regard for him. I have discovered what a sleazy, duplicitous man I married and even though I have struggled towards forgiveness, I can NOT forget the pain, humiliation and embarrassment he has caused me. He is also the kind that “turns it around” to somehow be MY fault, MY problem, not his or hers. He has very little respect for me, but I have even less for him. I have also learned that the man I thought I had married was only in my mind. I wanted him to be that wonderful creation of my imagination, and I struggled for YEARS trying to find that image in him. When he didn’t live up to that “fantasy man”, I believed that if only I was prettier, skinnier or worked harder, THAT man would show up. In counseling, he simply refused to talk, then finally refused to go, the counselor saying, finally, that we did not have enough money in our pockets,not years in our lives to fix what was wrong with him. I have had to really “suck it up” and get strong in order to remain where I am physically. He still will not utter a word or response about this mess, even though I have pleaded with him to help me deal with it. He simply retreats to his “parallel world” where nothing is wrong and shuts down,no matter how I approach the subject. I believe that a lot of the women who “help” these jerks cheat are looking for a “ready made” life and lifestyle without investing the necessary time to create a certain level of comfort, physically as well as emotionally. A divorce may be difficult and messy, but this…person…was banking on having a happy, well-feathered nest to hop right into once she had gotten rid of her other “baggage”.

  46. Jaynee says:

    I never, EVER dreamed I would be involved with a married man. I was in the process of a separation/divorce and devastated by the mess my life had become over the previous 10 years. Over the course of a long summer, I met and fell in love with a man 15 years my senior that was living an absolute parallel life to mine. Multiple years in a loveless, abstinent marriage, questioning his own viability…etc. He was so in tuned with my issues, I could have never believed he was experiencing anything but the same. We “dated” for 4 months, during which he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I went with him to NYC for his appointments, but when it came time for his surgury, he felt that he had to bring his 16 year old son with him. Up to this point, I was unable to be a part of his other ‘half’ of life because of an angry child. It was completely believeable. I knew he shared a house with his ex because of the boy and finances, but when he moved in with me after his surgery, it answered the questions that had been growing about whether he was up front or not. I was so blinded by the love and intensity of this man that it couldn’t be anything other than what he was telling me. 2 years later, I discovered his ongoing relationship with his wife and that she was under the impression that we were simple ‘roommates’ and while she hated it, she was waiting for him to come back home. The story is long, convoluted, and STUPID in hindsight. I would have NEVER agreed to the position I blindly found myself in. I did make him leave, when the “White Elephant” in the room started making loud noises, but have suffered a severely broken heart ever since. I am completely baffled by the fact that I can be broken-hearted by a narcissistic, sociopathic person like this! How can I still love this man???? I have decided, and am working on my own belief in what Dr. Phil said: “Are you in love with who you wanted him to be, or who he is?” I am definitely in love with who I THOUGHT he was, and that is someone he is INCAPABLE of being. I loved a shadow. I will heal, thanks to the human spirit. I am grateful for the courage I was able to muster to stop the madness, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do at the time. Take heart. God make us SURVIVORS. The best is ALWAYS yet to come.

  47. angela says:

    Dr. Phill,I have now been married 31 years.I found out march 09 my husband cheeted on me . I have been a mess I have lost 76 pounds i feel like some one died,[ My mother,my best friend died april ,13, 09 and this feels just as bad to me as though some one else did die to] I can only think of what if he does this again I pray i find out if he does he promised me he would not make the same mistake twice I told him to stop calling it a mistake He made a choice not a mistake! I never tried to work my husbands cell phone untill i had got one for my self, and knew a little about how to work one.So one day I picked him up from work on our way home He went into a store for me. I picked up his cell and pushed the menu ,then picture messages Iwas so shakee and mad. I wrote down one number by the time He got back into the car he saw i was looking at his phone, he then said he did not know her one of the other truck drivers sent it to him, Oh I knew he was lieing i could feel it . When we got home i had one of my sisters call the # no answer .So i got all i could find of his cell bills. marked all numbers i did not know .and ask him about each one of cours lie after lie .The next day i found another cell bill the # i first wrote down there it was 15 times.so later that day on our way to get our grandchildren i started asking about each # the first he talked to for 3 months text and picture messages, the next he clamed thay only talked one time she just needed map info. that was a lie thay talk, text and picture message all hours day and night for 6 months. [also the first one he had not talked to her in 4 months but still had her picture then found out he tried to call her also 4 months later] the next one he said thay were just friends but thay also talked, text and pic. messages then after calling the first three i find out thay all work at the truck stop near the route he has to go when he leaves and returns from his trips. I then called his cell com. and got two years of cell bills, I found a GA. # I remember that # he told me one day all happy you would not beleve it this guy was waving me down to stop so i stoped at a store be hind him and it was mat etc. from high school ,Well come to find out after alot of investag.on my own this guy he was telling me about was the one GA bitch donna fuller who works at a pharmacie .he says he had sex with only one time thay talked for 1 year nov. 07 to oct.08, text and pic message for 2 months. this woman flaged him down like a whore she all so had a teenager with her . never trust a woman she will try and take your husband . and dont think your husband wont cheet he will if he thinks he wont get cought! Will I ever get over this?

  48. Mimi says:

    Well I saw this blog and not going to say much, but I am the other woman of a man that was married for 10 years and two kids. We both got are divorces and now are getting married, I could care less what others say or think. We were not looking for this to happen but it did and we are very happy now, both of are pasted relationships were bad ones.

  49. lauren says:

    recently i was seeing a man who is married. he had been in love with me so he said and took 2 years of following me getting to know me. I was unaware of his obsessive attraction. He said he left his wife and asked me out. He moved in with me. brought divorce papers. I have found out he has been lying to his wife and having affairs for 20 years, he is attracted to weak women. I am sick and he showed up at my doctors appointment. he has many other online relationships going and is addicted to sex online web cams etc. he is constantly masturbating and sending women pictures via text email and live cams. He is still having affairs and I want to know the best way to tell his wife the truth. And to stop him from hurting other women. he also owes me money and left things here. I have it all on my computer and months of text messages. mostly showing my innocents and his obssesions.

  50. lauren says:

    please tell me how to tell his wife the truth.

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