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October 1st, 2009 by Dr. Phil

And Now, the Other Woman

iStock_000005623898XSmallYou ready for a little controversy? OK, you ready for a lot of controversy? Then get ready for Monday’s show, because you may be yelling at the screen for this one, but it is important and really interesting!

On the show, I’m going to be interviewing the fabled “other woman.”  Five of them, in fact, and all of them members of the online group “Mistresses Anonymous.” All of them openly talk to me about why they became mistresses to married men. They also talk about what they have to endure as mistresses. And I have to tell you, what they have to say is so intriguing that I think this show easily could have gone three hours in length.

In fact, when we were taping the episode, I kept glancing at members of the studio audience, noticing just how many of them had their mouths open in shock. What clearly stunned everyone in the audience was the “other women’s” complaints that they are victims as much as the wives who are being cheated on.

iStock_000001130579XSmallThey believe they are victimized by how their married lovers lie to them and string them along for years at a time.  They have a unique point of view on how the wife carries a lot of the blame for the situations.  I’ll let you hear those arguments for yourself. The “other women” also bitterly describe feeling stuck on the sidelines, always looking in, but don’t seem to own the fact that they, in most cases, are knowingly in a relationship with a married man.

Needless to say, I’m dying to hear what you think. As you watch these other women, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are they really victims, or are they just whining?
  • Do they truly want marriage themselves, or is there some part of them that is actually very content with a secret, part-time, taboo relationship?
  • What do you think about their comments that wives need to behave more like mistresses?
  • Why, in the end, do you really think men have affairs? And what about married women who have affairs? Are they cheating for different reasons than men?
  • Finally, can a marriage survive infidelity? Should it? And if one wants the marriage to survive an affair, then how exactly does one go about it?

I look forward to your comments. I’ll be reading and responding, as I love our conversations.

Here’s my video reply to reader Donna, who says, ” … I also think Dr. Phil was wrong in giving advice on how to keep your husband from cheating. How come everyone always blames the wife?”

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759 Responses to “And Now, the Other Woman”

  1. Candice says:

    I don’t have sympathy for the other woman. Like most people have said previously, the women who cheat with married men go into this as a willing participant. They are not victims. My husband and I are separated because he cheated on me with several women. The last woman that I am aware of, he had met him on match.com. How come the dating websites don’t screen or block these married men? I just don’t understand. It was devastating to say the least. My husband had been carrying on this affair for about a year. The friends gave him alibis. It was horrible. It was humiliating. I left him after I found out. The sad thing is he tried to woo me back but would not break ties with “the other women”. He is a sick individual. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I feel sorry for him. I guess I should have known that he would cheat on me due to the fact he had admitted to cheating on his first wife. He even laughed about it. I have no respect for women who cheat and I never will. Shame on you and shame on him. He is just another cheat who lives in Northern Kentucky.

  2. Charlene says:

    I just came out of a relationship as the “other woman” and I would never ever get involved again with a married man. It was very stupid on my part and I really have no explanation as to why I did it other then we started out as friends and he was really good at lying. I take responsibility for my part in this and the only thing I know that I can do at this point is to never do it again. Everyone involved got hurt except him. He turned out to be a compulsive liar and cheater and now he has gone back to his wife and I’m positive he will do it again. My heart goes out to her because she has a sorry excuse for a husband. If she only knew everything he has done to her. My hope is that she will see him for who he really is and find the happiness she deserves. Getting involved with a married man is the worst thing anyone can ever do. One more thing, yes they even move out and tell their wives they want a divorce but still go back. So if you have one of these liars that left his wife and you believe that because he left that he is all yours, you are sadly mistaking. STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED MEN AND WOMEN!!

  3. Kimberly C says:

    I have no idea how they are able to justify that it is OKAY to cheat. If they are not married that is a decision between the two people involved, but when it comes to someone’s husband or wife, there is no justification. Dr.Phil is right, it isn’t their place to go onto a lawn that says “do not enter” or “”no trespassing”. I watched Part 2 just now, and I do not understand how the woman, Sara can be happy with herself whilst doing such a thing. Also, the guy who claimed that all men have biological urges, I disagree. If the man was happy in his marriage, shared what he felt about himself and what he was missing in the marriage to his wife. There would be no need to go off and cheat. Sometimes, the woman isn’t willing to listen, I do agree, with Sara, women do need to put more energy and effort into the marriage. They need to get the man to share how they feel, in order to affair-proof the marriage. What I don’t understand is why men would rather go to another woman then work on the marriage they have with their wife. Men don’t want to work on their marriage yet they are happy to bring another woman into it, without even thought as to how much they would hurt their wife. Of course wives do the same thing. But, marriage is something that needs to have work put into it by both people involved. Sometimes, to make sacrifices for the other person, to share the good times, to move through the bad together. Not by ourselves, and not with another woman. If men have problems, they need to sort it out with a counsellor, or psychologist. To find out what they’re missing before they even decide to cheat. If cheating occurs because a man isn’t sure what is missing, and if he does know he should share that with his wife. He needs to go to someone who can help him, when he has the urge. So, he can find out why, as a woman should if she feels the same. Because a marriage is special and at one time the man/woman they are married too is someone they wanted to share a life with, before anyone else was involved that was the person they believed was the one for them. If that’s true than before it occurs, when the first thought happens the person needs to tell themselves. Why do I feel that I want to do this? And once that is discovered and shared with their partner, the need to cheat will fade. They need to find out what they need and what they’re missing. If they can’t find that in their marriage anymore, then leave before starting an affair. I am sure, they will feel alot better with who they are if they find out what they’re missing and share it, and be able to feel as though that person is still the most important person in their lives. They still can come to them if they need too, and they can still share whatever they need and whatever they’re missing, without feeling as though another person is needed to fill the void. If there is a problem in the marriage the wife/husband should know and be helping their husband/wife through it, not anybody else. It is something special between them that should be saved, because they are the person that they want to share their life with in most cases. Isn’t that worth more than a one-night stand?

  4. Mary Anne says:

    Lauren;
    I believe its best if he tells his wife himself.
    However, you can help him to do that. You can confront him and tell him you know what he is doing and you arent prepared to keep such information a secret when you know his nehaviour is hurting someone, and also to do so is enabeling his behaviour, on your part, and that makes you a party to deciet and to him being dishonest with his wife.
    Tell him to tell his wife the truth, or YOU WILL.
    Give him a set time within a limit of no more than a few days to come clean, and you will check in with his wife to see if he followed through by a certain time. If she says he hasnt told her anything serious about the marraige, when you ask her, dont be afraid to carry through with your threat of action. Living with such a secert will rear at your conscience, and thats not fair in you, let alone his poor wife, shuole she discover that she was the last to know, while everyone else shared his hidden secret keeping loyalty to him, and adding to her feelings of betrayal, in helping to keep his decietful secret sacred and from the very person who most of all needs to be aware of his behaviour. In keeping his secret with him, you are alsi keepong him locked his own sickness. Enabeling his “cheating” and deciet, is not in any way a kind thing to do for an adulterer. Believe me, as a victim of having my marriage and family destroyed by my husbands infidelity, “What she doesnt know will hurt her” much more than finding out the truth. The sooner the better. Secrets have power to destroy relationships, and need to be exposed to loose the power they hold for potential destruction.
    And its the power of “the secret” that he is “getting off on” having over his wife, and THAT’S EXTREME ABUSE”!

    “ITS THE ONLY LOVING THING TO DO”.
    If the cheater (sex or any kind of addict) is someone close to you, I would aways reccomend telling the offender (acting out in ANY kind of addictive or avoidant behaviour) the following;
    ‘I love you way to much to see you do this to your wife,your maraige, your family, and above all, YOURSELF. I refuse to be a party to this, and just stand by and wittness this abusive and self destructive behaviour. If you choose to continue this behaviour, and aren’t prepared to get help, you are asking me to compromise my own values for marriage, etc, in keeping your secret, being involved with you, in associating with you, etc.
    If you choose to continue and not disclose the truth to the betrayed person, you leave me no choice but to tell him/her myself.
    Until such time as you are open honest and truthful with your wife, and getting help for your OWN underlying relational issues, (that are ALWAYS what is underneath this type of behaviour) I wont be available to you.
    When i know you are being truthful and honest and getting help, my door will be the first one iopen to you in support.

    Its only when everyone keeps these destructive secrets along with the offender, (who will attempt to enlist the “protective cover” and “support” of everyone around him and convince all of the most “rational lies” and “noble justifications” as to why they ought NOT to TELL HIS WIFE …ANYTHING ABOUT THE AFFAIR!) that these cheating spouses are able to remain in their own downward cycle of destruction. And hurting a lot of other innocent people on the way down!
    If he runs out of “rescuing enabalers” to use to keep his cover, the isolation will give him no option but to go back and address the issues he’s running from and avoiding, and a marraige and an entire family could be salvageable.
    Not to mention a very sick person may actualy GET WELL!

  5. Rose says:

    I have to say that I think Steve, the alpha male, as he considered himself, on your programme about why men cheat, and talking to the women they cheat with other women’s husbands, (our programmes here is Australia are way behind USA!), – excuse my spelling too – I think you guys spell things differently too! I have an american computer and it is always correcting me when, in my book, I’m not wrong), I think Steve has a lot of growing up to do, and quite obviously has never really been in love. One only hopes he doesn’t marry some poor girl, and then when she gets pregnant, and maybe puts on a little extra weight, and is maybe experiencing morning sickness, and then considers she isn’t the dolly bird he married, has become dull and therefore has good reason to find someone else to sleep with!

    Age is going to change all of us, however hard we fight it. I wonder is Steve just intends to keep chasing all the young ones, no matter how old he gets!

    My ex used to chase what I called ‘geriatric dollybirds’, you know, long blond bleached hair, plastic boobs, three inch heels, tight dresses with old faces, when they turned round – despite all the surgery! I think we can age gracefully and still be attractive. I make this comment because I think men like Steve seem to want his women to always stay as they were when he first met them. My present husband is much older than I am, and I love his face just the way it is, wrinkles and all, it’s what makes him HIM!

    Hope I’m not rambling on!!!

  6. ANGELA says:

    I was the other women at one time. I was 18 years old and at that time was looking for love in all the wrong place. My mistake was I believed a lie that my ex told me which now that I think about it. It was really fishy to begin with. My ex was married but told me he was in the process of getting a divorce and that they dont have sex and he sleeps on the sofa. Now as I think back to all that nonsense… there was a red flag there. But, I was young and stupid and went ahead and started dating this guy. He soon got a studio apartment and I was over there every chance that I could get. 4 mo. later I found out I was pregnant and also we were out to dinner at a restaurant and to my surprise his wife showed up to confront me. I told her what he was saying to me about in the process of getting a divorce and that we were planning on moving in together and all of it was news to her. She told him and me that night that we can have eachother. I found out the real truth that night but I was in too deep and thought I was in love. But the relation took a drastic turn for the worse. He ended up becoming mentally, emotionally, and a couple of times physically abusive. And during the relationship I actually thought he loved me thats why he was so controlling and abusive. He just wanted the best for me so I thought. When I thought he had gotten a divorce all the 8 years we were together, he was still married to his wife and was telling her that he left me and he wanted her back. I soon got help to leave him but I just wanted to let other ladies know that if a man says he’s in a process of a divorce… please check it out before dating him or if he starts degrading his ex right when he comes up to talk to you and getting your number, you might rethink your choice about dating that guy. Just certain things dont add up usually is a red flag and you should be careful. I learned my lesson and am more careful about getting involved with men in genneral.

  7. kim says:

    I REALLY HATE HEARING THE OTHER WOMAN. FIRST OFF THESE WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE DATING A MAN THAT IS IN A RELATIONSHIP IF THEY HAD ANY MORALS. SECOND OFF, THEY NEED TO GET A LIFE OF THERE OWN. I FEEL ANY WOMEN THAT HAS TO BE “THE OTHER WOMEN” REALLY DO NOT THINK TOO MUCH OF THERE SELF TO BE IN THAT POSITION. I WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH THESE WOMEN FACE TO FACE AND GIVE THEM MY OPINION. THEY ARE HOME WRECKERS. MEN HAVE MANY REASONS WHY THEY STRAY BUT IF TOO ME THAT IS A COP OUT. BUT FOR A WOMEN TO KNOW THE MAN IS IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIED THEN THEY SHOULD BACK OFF APPARENTLY THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN IN HTAT TYPE OF POSITION BEFORE. THOSE TYPE OF WOMEN ARE TRASH. GET YOUR OWN LIFE AND STOP TRYING TO GET IN OTHER WOMENS LIVES. PUT ME FACE TO FACE WITH THEM THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN.

  8. shirley ann says:

    Yes, I agree to my part of the agreement:

  9. nathan says:

    i would like too buy tapeing on 2 26 2010 how do that. thanks nate

  10. lisa says:

    I am currently going through some diffcult times, My husband and I were going through a difficult time – like Dr Phil mentioned not spending time together and with young children we forgot about us. This did lead my husband into the arms of another women, but worst of all it was an ex girlfriend that found him on facebook. It has been awful for me and I have even had emails from the other women declaring her love for him and how they think I am wonderful. The crazy thing is she does not even know me never met me nor spoken to me. He has told me he no longer and never wanted her, how do you believe a man, who has lied and cheated . I just dont think anyone that is going into a relationship knowing from day one they are the other women is morally very good.

  11. leslie says:

    lisa,,(3/2/10)
    it isn’t you or your children,,yes time together AWAY from the kids every now and then is great for a couple,,,,( YOU DID NOT LEAD HIM INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER WOMAN) he did that himself,,,,he did,not you,,,think back,way back,,cavemen had many women,right,,,(so they say,) all men are like this at one time or another,,how beautiful alot of movie stars are,they get cheated on,,i still don’t like brad cause im still mad at him for leavin jennifer ofr whats her face,,lisa, im sure you area a responsible woman,,think higher of your self,,for your childrens sake,GOD BLESS,,,

  12. cathy says:

    why is the 3rd party always blamed?there is always 2sides to a story,once many
    woman have a ring on their finger,they change,don’t do their hair anymore,dress
    sloppily,nag moan and whine the whole time to their husbands.
    it is quite simple,if you don’t appreciate your husband/boyfriend,allow another woman to have him,as there are many women out there who will treat a man
    like a King.appreciate him and take care of him.before the man/woman cheats,there is something already wrong
    and amiss in the marriage/relationship.stop pulling men down and stop sitting
    on the sidelines criticizing the other woman,instead of critizing the other woman
    take care of your man and then he does not have to look elsewhere

  13. wilkinat says:

    Cathy – you are absolutely right – it isn’t necessarily the 3rd parties fault. However to assume men only cheat because their wives nags or has become sloppy is insane.

    Experience tells me that men cheat because men cheat – that is an issue with the individual that has chosen that path. When we have someone else assume responsibility for our actions we are doing nothing more than making an excuse. Before that man chose to cheat he chose his wife; he made vows to her and there was most likely a belief that would stand for better or worse. If there gets to a place where my worse is affecting our better well then it is time for my husband to discuss that with me and allow me free choice to fix the problems and keep our marriage.

    See Cathy, marriage much like any partnership or team only truly works when you and your partner share like thoughts and are committed to the same outcomes. When your partner strays he has broken that covenant. And now your home is whether we acknowledge it or not is altered- he may be consumed with hiding the affair and the cover up, you the spouse recognize his affections are different, he begins to pull away or becomes over affectionate – the truth is – your marriage has been pushed off its axial.

    As adults we choose to face issues and deal with them or we run, hide and create excuses for our behavior – that in and of its self is a prescription for feeling pulled down – however you pulled yourself down. If the marriage is so bad he needs to man up before he lays up! Why blame his wife for his reckless behavior, assassinate her character and devalue her and then assume you get to come back home and say it’s her fault?

    So no, the 3rd party individual should not be the one we hold fault with because at the end of the night the man makes the conscious choice to willingly participate or not.

  14. Pat says:

    It’s been 19 months since I found out that my husband was having an affair. I suspected it over 2 years before that, but could not prove it. He, of course, completely blamed me, would not/will not go to counseling, and DOES NOT want me to speak of it.He travels with his job and I believe is what is called a “geographical bachelor”. This tramp that he was meeting for 2 1/2 years was also married, but divorced after she found him. I was mentally abused, not touched (although he was buying cialus) and he also made all our friends believe that he was a upstanding Christian man. It is interesting that they set up the scenario months in advance before they ask for the divorce. The tramps (because they both are) will destroy anything or anyone that gets in their way. Heat of the passion? Unfortunately I am still with this man. I am unable to live without the financial support, plus he talked me into going to a therapist in 2006 and getting medicine for depression (my Mom had died the year before) while he was having the affair. At this time, I did not realize that he was seeing someone else…I thought it was all my fault. Well, if I do divorce him now, I will not be able to get insurance because I was treated for depression. Catch-22, huh? How funny that the “other women” think that they are the saviors in these situations. Why, don’t they ever ask themselves, don’t the men just divorce their wives and go be with all these “other women”? Because you idiots, you are only notches on the gun. Just remember, if he will do it with you, he will do it to you! And, that goes for the female also. I think you deserve each other!!! What did this do to me and my adult children? Lots of pain and disappointment for someone we once respected and looked up to as a leader. For me, I can never trust anyone again, including his/our friends that enabled this behavior.

  15. Jan Evans says:

    My 18 year marriage came crashing down around me with my (now ex-) husband’s admission that he had “another woman.” Feeling that there was more and that he wasn’t telling me the entire story, I pressed him for more information … he finally admitted that there had been MANY other women, including one he picked up returning to college on the train after he proposed to me. In a move that was supposed to make me feel better, he told me that I never knew any of them. ALL our friends were dumbfounded — we were the perfect couple, the soulmates they all wish they had. He was a sensitive man that women could relate to … but I never had a hint of any inpropriety. None of our friends had any clue that this was going on. During his confession, I found that, although we had a good sex life, his liaisons were all about sex — if he couldn’t pick up a woman, he would buy one; he even had a homosexual encounter in a public restroom. There were dozens, if not hundreds, of other women. He went to a psychiatrist after our separation, and I met with his doctor to find out the prognosis: 3 to 5 years of therapy; he quit therapy shortly thereafter and our marriage ended. Unfortunately, after 26 years, I’m still bothered by the feeling that I should have known … the psychiatrist said I’d built up walls so that I didn’t have to look at the reality of his cheating. I trusted my husband until the inconsistencies built up so much that I couldn’t believe him anymore. How do you balance the desire to trust someone you love with a healthy curiosity to understand where he’s been, who has he been with, and what were they doing???

  16. Kathleen says:

    During my 22 year marriage, I found out that my husband (dick) was cheating on me for 2 years with my “best friend “Lisa” of 18 years”. “Lisa” used to tell me that she knew “dick” was cheating on me because “she” had a picture of my daughter on her desk. I knew that couldn’t be true because of course I knew my husband was faithful and would never look at another woman HAHAHA. I divorced “dick” and “Lisa” plus got half of everything (revenge)

    Like they say once a cheater always a cheater. Don’t think it will stop because he promises. It is not your fault. No matter what “he” should have never strayed.

  17. Leigh says:

    I was the other woman for 4 years. I had an affair with this amazing sexy guy. I believe that we really loved each other and even till today we still have contact (on the telephone and via facebook only). I am married now to a sweet and kind man and i still sometimes wonder how it would have been with my ex lover.

  18. G.A. says:

    This was all so hard to watch. It’s the MAN that’s the bad guy in this and women can do one thing; DUMP HIM. He’s isn’t worthy of them!

  19. Chris says:

    What if there was another woman, several others. Then you decide to look at all aspects of your marriage, and fix it. I gave every ounce of everything I had inside me. I owned up to my faults. I changed and it was effortless because I realized how much I love my husband. He even admitted that I’d become everything anyone could want and more. Things appeared to be “perfect”. I was happier than I’ve ever been in my life. He works out of state and assured me daily how good we were. And that it would never happen again because he had the woman back that he married. And the sad part is, I really think he meant it. Then boom, two months to the day, it happened again. Do I trust again, or am I a fool? He has left his job and said he wants us to be together every day from now on. Is this true remorse? I just don’t know what to believe anymore. He’s one of those people you would never think would be capable of doing such a hurtful thing. He has alot of people fooled I suppose. Is there hope, or am I setting myself up for another bomb to go off?

  20. betsy says:

    My husband had an emotionalaffair with an old girlfriend. I have phone records going back over a year ormore and they talked on the phone 5-10 times a day for anywhere fromafew minutes to several hours. Notonly that but they actually wereon the phonetogether while my hubby and i were in bed together. If I hadn’t decided to check the phone records I would still be in the dark. Theother woman said they never slepttogether and it was allinnocent. I know this woman and she will sleepwith anyone who has money to spend on her. I guess she liked what I have and decided to go after it. I do believe it hadn’t gotten to the point where they met face to face…it wasonly on the phone. But what really bothersmeis the fact that my husband lied about it over andover to my face untilI showed him the phone records. But since he didn’tactually sleepwith her he doesn’t think he did anythijng wrong. He said it was headed to the bedroom but they hadn’t done anything yet. I think forhim it wasmore the thrillof getting away with something…just like a child. If it was about the sex he would have done it. I feel like i will never trust him again. Our sexlife was VERY active and I try to look nice all the time. Not just for him but because I take pride in how i look. SHE isn’t a pretty woman so looks isn’t what it was about. I think he was trying to prove that he is still desirable to other women…he is 54.This was a second marriage forus and I was determined not tomakeany of the same mistakes i made in my first marriage. I constantly fed his ego, told him howproud I was of him, and didn’ttake him forgranted. I never even started a fight. I wanted a happy PEACEFUL life. I wish I knew how to trust him again, but he lied for years. To me, the other woman is worse than the cheating husband. Sheknowshe belongs to someone else and if she wants him, then wait till he gets divorced before fooling around with him. Who would buy the cow when you can get the milk for free and someone else cleans out the stalls!

  21. Sandra says:

    I just found out last month that my husband of only a few years, was having an affair with a co-worker. He is often away on business travel and so this is when he would most often get together with her (oh…she is also married and has a baby). He had started this affair when our baby (our only child) was still a new born. I just feel so sick that this “wonderful” man that I married only a few years ago could go off and fall in love and make love to another woman while his wife is at home looking after his newborn son! My instinct is to try to forgive him…try to make this family work. It is just so hard. He has taken so much from me. He has tarnished the memories of my baby’s first months. I hate him for that. I am so angry with him for being so selfish. He told me that he strayed because his needs were not being met by me. I have heard about men who get jealous about the new baby. I wonder if he was upset with me for taking care of my son’s needs and felt that he just got the left overs.
    I honestly put in a conscious effort to take care of my husband also…but a newborn requires so much attention. Apparently my husband requires more. I feel so sad now…so broken. I’m really not sure what I should do.

  22. Filia Koellhoffer says:

    If my ex-husband had owned up to his 20 year affair I might have stayed with him. I gave hime so many oppertunities to come clean, and tell me and than tell me why but, he never did and always told me it was my fault if he got enough sex at home he would not have to go out and see other women. I excused him when he was a drunk for sleeping around but could never forgive him for seeing other women when he was sober and lied and lied about his outings.

    I believe I would have forgiven him if he had only told me the truth.

    To me the other women break up marriages and ruin families. Shame on them, I have had plenty of oppertunity to go out with married man and never will no matter how bad they make their marriage out to be

    The same goes for women that cheat on their husbands work it out or leave the relationship.

  23. Patty says:

    I was married for 23 yrs when my husband finally confessed to infidelity. He said, he had been cheating for years. The other woman was my daughter -in-law, at least she was one of them.

    I thank you for your comments

  24. Dear doctor Phil/family; to finish my story of being locked up over a non-harming domestic dispute, my wife Mona who when I was locked up around Christmas time said she still loves me and misses me; But ironically, in January 2010, Mona my soon to be ex-wife wrote me in jail again to tell me she can’t have a ‘relationship’ with me and she also stated that this was her last letter to me–
    Upon reviewing her letter, she(My wife) said:’all of those moments we shared together are now distant memories’– And she closed her letter to me stating that if I contact her again she’d file for legal separation;
    Upon leaving jail on February 10th, 2010 I finally got my own living apartment, and the latest with my wife Mona is that her P.O. Agent(from way before Mona met me regarding a drunkard to tried to rape my wife and she defended herself and got charged with the crime of 39 years of conditional release!!-) her P.O. Agent said that I can’t contact my wife, even though I’m VERY heart-broken, and extremely angry that the Dr. who prescribed the ‘Pristiq’ that caused my behavior to erupt, that I wish I could sue him!!-
    But to my final dismay, I called my wife’s apartment complex across the hall neighbor, and he stated that him and Mona are:”very good friends”, and she won’t give out her #, and the neighbor Bob said,’stop calling here’

    Boy, what a tear-jerker, that my wife whom I loved soo much DOESN’T love me anymore;

    I need all the love and support I can get here, so everybody here help me out!

    Sadly,

    -Andrew.

  25. Paula says:

    I hold the cheating spouse responsible. Yes, the “other woman” or man holds some responsibility, but the spouse is the one who stood up in front of family and friends and made a covenant with God. The married party to the affair has a higher responsibility to everyone in their lives. Of course some of these cheaters do not want their spouse to talk about it to anyone. Some not even agreeing to counseling because someone else, yet another person, will be telling him/her that he/she was wrong.

    I also think there is a great deal of responsibility to the friends of the cheaters who enable the cheating by providing cover stories

  26. Yvonne says:

    Married nearly 14 years with 4 kids, my husband have been through a lot. A stepson that took a wrong turn, and we no longer have contact with him. Jealous, anger issues, the loss of a brother by suicide and a mother in law that hell bent on stirring a pot for her own gratification. My husband is a dominate and demanding man but a teddy bear at heart. However has always evoked a my way or the highway life. For years he led me to believe I was part of that life, but now I feel like I’ve just been along for the ride. As I began to say no more, I want to be treated with respect and feel like I am an important part of this life and marriage- I found out this gave him the “excuse” to cheat. I became the ultimate “B..” However, his cheating was online during a Zynga game that took players to Skype- an organized chat more detailed then msn messanger. There he created a room with a player, both created fake persona’s on facebook and began an affair. He fell in love with a woman he’s never met, after only 6 months of chatting. According to him.. it became a relationship some time in November.. about the time he was arguing with me that he didn’t like have to do things with our kids outside of the house- games, events, programs etc. He shouldn’t have to help around the house and become my “f..ing house slave” yadda-yadda-yadda. At Chirstmas he was angry with our eldest daughter and started blaming her for my anger. It resulted in a fight and him pushing his wedding ring across the table saying he was done. He was calm and had thought about this for a long time. Then he left for work, saying he would leave in a few months. With a gut instinct and him lying I fought back trying to hold the marriage together. He promised he loved me and would never leave in the middle of Jan. Then on Jan 23 I learned of their on-line affair and was able to access the conversation where he was telling her for that he loved her, had never love me like this and it may take him a year or so to put things in order but he was coming for her. Putting things in order meant… paying of some of the bills, filing bankruptcy on the rest, getting the kids medical or needs taken care of and then telling me good bye… so we could be on “good terms”-quickie divorce and co-parenter’s. When I confronted him on the relationship, he left again. Saying we have tried for years, he needed to find himself and and we were just no good together anymore. Within days… he was wanting to come back and out of a lot guilt thinking everything was my fault I let him come home. Today- only a few weeks later, I wonder if it was the right decision- but I can’t let my kids keep getting their emotions bounced around. Counselors in my area are $100 a week for a session and it will take months to come to some kind of peace with either a full reconciliation or a divorce. I am confused, bitter and angry. To my knowledge this is his only infidelity and even the attorneys I have talked to say this will be likened to a fantasy and be irrelevant. I don’t know if I want a divorce or a reconciliation. Talking helps some but leaves a lot of mixed emotions that I don’t know how to handle. I purchased the 5 love languages, and to an extent it makes sense and has offered some relief. I am looking for anyone that might have repaired their marriage using some form of books or audio tapes. The internet is full of promises, but I can’t afford to waste any money at this point. We are in our 40’s with the kids from 6-13. Doing whats right for me and the kids is my priority. Please… if you know of anything -please pass it on.

  27. maggie says:

    This is for Sandra on march 9th…
    I feel for you. My husband had an incounter with a woman he picked up off of the side of the road (im assuming a prostitute) and accepted a sexual favor as payment for the ride. He told me a few days later and I was crushed. But, I could tell that he felt remorse. He was so sorry. We met with our Bishop the next day and every weekend for almost a year. I kept asking is there something wrong? I can tell something is not right? Both the husband and bishop felt I was beng paranoid. Well, things done in the dark will come out in the light. He took me on a vacation to San Diego so that we could get away from the kids (from day one of the marriage we had 4 babies) our fifth was born just before the above incident. On vacation there were strange things going on. Not wanting to go to the hot tub with me, or staying at the hotel while I went off site seeing myself. but, for the most part I felt like we had made some head way. Dec. im in chicago picking up my father from the airport and over hear my husband and his dad speaking about a crazy woman. ” I just cant keep doing this…the girl is crazy” I knew he was talking about me and so I jumped his case right there. The look on my father in laws face let me know it wasnt what I thought it was. I pick up my dad and went home. Confronted my husband and he told me he had been seeing a woman from work for the pas 8 to 9 months. So all this time he has me sitting with our bishop and praying and putting on this huge facade ….hes seeing another woman. Devestation is the only word that I can even come up with. I feel the loneliness and despair you talk of. This has been over a year ago now and I have found out several other lies since…lies to cover other lies. I am so angry. I am so tired. I am so broken and out of faith and hope.
    If anyone does have the answer to the big looming question please let me know. How do you get past this and move on? How do you forgive??

  28. Chris says:

    Married almost 10 years and I do feel the pain. I have find out he is cheating on me again. I did leave for a while and than we talked and he promised to do this and do that so we could have more time together. Not happening. His job takes him out of the country but this (girl) as she is he has known for a while through a station where people play games. He talks to her on the phone and online and emails. He sit right beside me and tries to hide it but I’m not stupid, but than again maybe I am. He calls her his friend. Believe me, she is more tham a friend.

    This may sound funny but I do love my husband but as long as things go his way you can get along with him fine and the minute you confront him he goes off on all kinds of paths. His first two marriages everyone was running around on each other and I guess he thinks it ok here. I have been blamed for running around and leaving him for another man and I don’t even talk to anyone. I’m so glad they let me know this. Does anyone know who this person might be? I do nothing and get blamed for everything. My husband has even blamed me for just wanting to be here for his money (which he has none of), his cars (which he has one of), and the house (which doesn’t belong to him). I married my husband because I loved him, not what he could give me. I married for love, if I don’t love him I wouldn’t of married him. I think the little girl just wants what he has and take him for a ride because she really doesn’t know him at all. He to stupid to figure this out.

    I’m very hurt by all this and beside myself and really don’t know which way to turn and what to do about this. I do cry alot, not in front of him but when I’m by myself. I think I should throw in the towel but before I can do that I need a job and a place to go and a car to get around. I know this sounds like a cop out but I don’t want to be on the street. Can’t afford a lawyer so where do you go from this point. I’m not young and I have no money to my name at all. I’m in school right now trying to get a better job but in this economy it’s very hard. I have applied everywhere and no bits.

    So Dr. Phil, if you have the answer to the big looming question please let me know. How do you get pass all this and move on? How do you forgive someone who keepd doing the same thing over and over.

  29. Chris says:

    Married almost 10 years and I do feel the pain. I have find out he is cheating on me again. I did leave for a while and than we talked and he promised to do this and do that so we could have more time together. Not happening. His job takes him out of the country but this (girl) as she is he has known for a while through a station where people play games. He talks to her on the phone and online and emails. He sit right beside me and tries to hide it but I’m not stupid, but than again maybe I am. He calls her his friend. Believe me, she is more than a friend.

    This may sound funny but I do love my husband but as long as things go his way you can get along with him fine and the minute you confront him he goes off on all kinds of paths. His first two marriages everyone was running around on each other and I guess he thinks it ok here. I have been blamed for running around and leaving him for another man and I don’t even talk to anyone. I’m so glad they let me know this. Does anyone know who this person might be? I do nothing and get blamed for everything. My husband has even blamed me for just wanting to be here for his money (which he has none of), his cars (which he has one of), and the house (which doesn’t belong to him). I married my husband because I loved him, not what he could give me. I married for love, if I don’t love him I wouldn’t of married him. I think the little girl just wants what he has and take him for a ride because she really doesn’t know him at all. He to stupid to figure this out.

    I’m very hurt by all this and beside myself and really don’t know which way to turn and what to do about this. I do cry alot, not in front of him but when I’m by myself. I think I should throw in the towel but before I can do that I need a job and a place to go and a car to get around. I know this sounds like a cop out but I don’t want to be on the street. Can’t afford a lawyer so where do you go from this point. I’m not young and I have no money to my name at all. I’m in school right now trying to get a better job but in this economy it’s very hard. I have applied everywhere and no bits.

    So Dr. Phil, if you have the answer to the big looming question please let me know. How do you get pass all this and move on? How do you forgive someone who keepd doing the same thing over and over.

    I have changed some of my ways for him, try not to say little comments, which he says all the time (he gets his jabs in) I was told he didn’t want me to say anything any more. I would talk to his mother but we don’t get along, never have and never will. She thinks he is an angle and does nothing wrong, it’s everyone else who has made his life the way it is.

  30. mario says:

    well ladies ive read your e mail and have to say as a man you need to leave if he cheats for a long period of time because he is emotionally and physically invovled with the other woman and once she is number one you will always be number two,I know the feelings of having a shadow over your hearts,its seems worse than death,but you will get closure,and remember the longer you hold on to the man that does not want you,the longer the man that is out there that will cherish you and love you for you has to wait.so dont keep him waiting you deserve IT!!!! and the key ingredient is to FORGIVE never FORGET but move on

  31. Yvonne says:

    I would love for that woman to help my marriage. Tell her to come to my house and babysit and feed my children, do the laundry, cook for my family and clean my house so that I can get dressed up go out with my husband and we can have a great time, be intimate and put more spark into our own marriage. Don’t bother leaving me minding the baby while you go out and enjoy yourself and then tell me that you are helping me… you are not, you are only helping yourself! As for that boy that is an excuse for a man. Tell him that only weak, spineless, deceitful, selfish men cheat on their partners. He is a coward and he could not handle a real relationship. A Real Man is faithful, strong, loyal, and he has integrity, he protects his wife and children, not destroy them for his own greedy selfishness. He can think of others as well as himself. We all know there is plenty of sex available out there for the weak, the desperate and the needy. If those two need that sex to make them feel good about themselves then they are welcome to each other and good riddance, the world would be a better place without their kind in it.

  32. LS says:

    It’s so heartbreaking to read so many of these experiences here. Some have asked for book recommendations. Here are three I have read that are excellent–however, they are more for couples trying to reconcile and stay together after an affair.

    My Husband’s Affair by Anne Bercht
    Unfaithful by Gary & Mona Shriver
    Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage by Nancy Anderson

    However, obviously there are times when trying to make the marriage work is not the best choice. When the cheating spouse is not 100% committed to repentance and reconciliation, or are playing games or being abusive, you need to think about your own health. Are you hanging on to this person because you’re afraid to be alone? There are always issues we have to deal with ourselves. I have seen marriages be restored to the point that they are 100x better than before the affair, but it required both to be committed to restoration. If you are begging and pleading and they still are stringing you on and unwilling to cut off contact with their affair partner, you need to let them go and start taking care of yourself and finding healing for yourself. Don’t deprive yourself of going to counseling. Make sure you get a support community if you don’t already have one. You deserve it. There is hope and life at the end of the tunnel. The pain is unbearable, but you CAN make it. There are some great online communities where you can share and learn from each other’s experiences. I recommend this one: survivinginfidelity. com.

  33. David says:

    I am a man who cheated on his wife after 25 years of marriage. I know that it was wrong and nothing can justify it or make it right. I have witnessed daily for the last 3 years the damage that I’ve done. But I would like to ask this of all of you.

    What should I have done ? I had been unhappy in my marriage for many years and had tried to discuss it with my wife but never felt that she cared enough to listen, to help me get it out and to actually try to address the issues;because I was afraid of her emotional outburst, her anger , her unhappiness and it was very dificult to have such a heartwrenching conversation with a person who didn’t want to hear it.

    Anyway, I had a brief affair with my secretary and realized that I was in trouble. I really liked the feeling it provided. I felt alive and desired for the first time in many years. I got therapy right away and with the help of my therapist I approached my wife and told her how unhappy I was with our intimate relationship. I discussed exactly what was missing for me, asked her directly if she could consider what I had said and try to address the issues. I also asked her to tell me what was missing for her and give me a chance to address those issues as well. I told her that I loved all aspects of our life and family but these things were missing and had become a very big problem for me. I did not tell her that I had already had an affair, even though my therapist thought she should be told. I was too afraid to do that and believed very strongly that it would destroy her if she found out.

    Her reaction to this discussion was to personalize it, take it as a direct knock on her and to accuse me of setting her up for a divorce. This reaction was typical of how things went between us if and when I brought up any issues that she didn’t like. I was asking her for help !

    Things only got worse between us during the next year and a half. To the point where we all but stopped having sex (one of the things lacking for me) and her emotional outbusts were so hard for me to deal with that I gave up trying to discuss any of the problems with her. In hind sight, I believe she had controlled me in an emotionally abusive way for most of our marriage.

    I became very lonely and hopeless that we could ever address any of my unhappiness.
    But I loved my family, adored my children , loved being a dad , was proud of our accomplishments and in no way wanted to leave so much good because I was lonely and sad within my marriage.

    Well, I did it again, turned to another woman. This time in a much more serious way and for a longer period of time before my wife found out. That was almost three years ago. There is much more that I could write but the question I ask myself every day is what SHOULD I have done ? Also, why do I have to lose my family, a life that I love. A life that I worked so hard to build for so many years. A life that by most measures has been extremely successful with numerous accomplishements because my wife won’t face up to the state of our marriage and try to help me with my needs just as I want to help her with her’s. We’ve been separated for almost two years. During this time she has destroyed me verbally over and over again. She doesn’t believe a word that comes out of my mouth . Yet she has said that she wants us to work this out and have a healthy relationship. We have had therapy throughout this time off and on but nothing has worked.

    I’m a liar, I’m a cheat, I’m someone who can’t be trusted. That’s what I hear over and over again. It’s breaking me down because in my core, I know it’s not true.

    So is it cut and dry ? I’m scum because I turned to another woman (twice). Does nothing else matter ?

    I would appreciate any and all comments.

    I appologize for the numerous spelling errors, I may have had a successfull life but I always watched the spelling bees from a seat.

    Thanks in advance for your comments.

  34. David, I’m sorry to say, but you have a practical choice between:

    1 – reconciling, remaining monogamous, and living without enough intimacy in your life, but enjoying the other fruits of this relationship (if that’s now possible);

    2 – divorcing and getting your intimate and emotional needs met with someone else.

    If your wife hasn’t been willing to work on this issue to date, nothing is likely to change.

    I don’t think it’s possible to have it all with your wife. Meeting your needs for intimacy doesn’t seem to be important to her anymore. In addition, her trust in you is gone and you’ll probably hear about this for the rest of your life if you remain together. Do you really want to live this way?

    Also, I am concerned about the tone of your post – i.e., that of a victim. The following statements are telling: “I was afraid of her emotional outburst, her anger, her unhappiness…she had controlled me in an emotionally abusive way…” Please use the therapy at your disposal to help you relate to others from a position of strength.

    The fact is you allowed yourself to feel controlled, and in this respect you were unloving and disrespectful to yourself and your wife. There seems to be some emotional payoff when you assume the role of victim. I’d like you to own your feelings, choices and behaviour, instead of blaming your wife for your unhappiness.

    If not, I suspect that your victim orientation will foul any future relationship. When you operate from a position of strength, your partner is more likely to feel loved and respected rather than resented. Simmering resentment is anathema to the real love, intimacy and friendship you seek.

    Rather than cheating on your partner (a victim’s choice resulting from a victim’s rationalizations), it might have been better to accept the reality of your situation and pursue one of the two options I’ve mentioned. That way, you would have felt empowered by living your life honestly and with integrity.

    In any case, I wish you all the best.

  35. Yvonne says:

    I have been watching this segment and find it disgusting on both parts of the cheater and the mistresses. I had been in a marriage for 6years in Australia and suspected my husband cheating on me, the signs were there and he said that he wasn’t and when i did catch him, he told me that he would not do it but he did and i left with our kids. I never cheated on him even though he got other men to rape me against my will, i still did not cheat on me and ended our marriage. I found out he had serious mental health issues like psychopathic and sociopath disorders so i was glad. I did everything i could except the rapes to keep my husband happy where we would have sex up to 5x’s a day but it was not enough, we even bought toys but again, it was not enough. If these men want to cheat, the women should leave and let them find out that the grass is not greener on the other side after everything is finished. Gives them no rights to cheat as they are not just cheating on their wives, they are also cheating on their kids and families.. These women are nothing more than prosititutes as what do they get out of cheating. After my marriage which i ended, i did not trust men for a long time and taking my time, even though i have met men some have been married and i have told them to go back to their wives after i found out they were married, even though they had no quams on cheating on the wife and this is in NZ. I told him straight….

  36. David says:

    Carol

    Thanks you very much for your very honest and caring reply. I think you are right about the two choices. I’ve come to the same conclusion myself.

    I only wish I had been better equpped to respect myself and establish true bounderies within my marriage. Also, I never really completely openned up to the my wife about the unmet needs that I had. Again, I could have done better.

    I really do appreciate your comments.

    Thanks

    Your reply to my post is very much appreciated !

    Thanks,

    P.S. I would like to hear from anyone else who is comfortable sharing an opinion.

  37. Bridget says:

    My husband has casual affairs with women he finds on the internet and I am quite sure he has had longer term relationships some of the time. He stopped being interested in me sexually not long after we were married around 10 years ago. Actually I thought he was losing interest before we were married but at that time I put it down to stress, exhaustion from work etc (he works around 80+ hours a week). He refuses to discuss it and I no longer mention it. I believe he needs the stimulation of the thrill of the chase, and I was definitely ‘caught’ already. He has a high-energy, highly productive, gregarious, somewhat bossy A-type personality and is a leader in his field.

    However, we are really good friends. We are an older couple (early 50s – early 60s). We lie in bed and hold hands. My husband does important work and I feel the biggest contribution I may make to this world is supporting him in many little ways. He supported me financially when I was not able to work for a while and we support each other emotionally. We spend time together despite the crazy hours he works. We have a good life, many laughs, a shared life in almost all respects.

    A sexual relationship is important to me, I enjoy it, and I have a strong need for some sort of physical contact. Sometimes my skin would scream to be touched. I suppressed it as best I could.

    About four years ago I found a lump in my breast. I realised that if I lost a breast I would never again have sex with anyone. I made a decision that if I kept my breast I wasn’t going to keep living like this any more. Luckily my health was fine.

    I now have a monogomous relationship with a man, and I am ‘the other woman,’ except that this is an arrangement rather than a love affair. His wife has health issues and is not interested in sex. I don’t want to know too much about that, to be honest. He intends to stay with his wife and I am clear I will stay with my husband. We have become good friends and get together around 3 – 5 times a year. Not enough, but enough for me to keep things in check and not go doing something stupid.

    I am happy. Things are not perfect but all-in-all I have a full and enjoyable life. I cannot think of any steps I could take to make it better.

  38. BG says:

    I am married and had a brief affair w/a married co-worker. This man flirted with me for over 5 years. I had tried hard to ignor him and make clear I had no intrest in him and that I was happily married. It was clear to me that I felt an attraction to him which I fought very hard over that time.

    Then I came under a terrible amount of stress at work. My husband did not seem to understand what I was going through. Of course this man was just so “understanding”. Before I knew it I was confiding in him and he was giving me advice on how to handle my situation. I became emotionally involvled and then before I knew it, it became phyiscal.

    It was devestating. I suffered terrible guilt and was sick the entire 6 week affair. The entire time I wanted to call it off and we would argue over and over. This man would convince me to keep it going and tell me how to lie to my husband who I had NEVER lied to before. I lost over 10 lbs in that short period of time and suffered so much for allowing myself to abandon who I was. I felt bad about his wife and he would tell me all the time that he felt bad about my husband but he wanted to continue the affair.

    I finally fessed up to my husband and he was willing to forgive me. Don’t think that that loser did not try to contunine the affair. He tried everything to keep it going. Later I had found out he had had other affairs w/other woman, married and unmarried (he told me himself because he wanted to have an “honest” relationship with me). In the end I felt like a fool. I still suffer a tremoundous amount of guilt towards his wife, who does not know a thing except that he threatend to leave her twice for me, (so he says) and made her cry. When he told me that I told him to get lost that I could not be responsable for breaking up his family.

    I have a wonderful husband that could be willing to be so forgiving. I just can’t believe I could be so stupid. So to all woman out there, married or unmarried. Think twice before doing such a stupid thing. There is no future in it and you will break your own heart to be untrue to yourself by being a cheat and a liar and hurting the people you love the most. I don’t think I will ever get over what I have done.

  39. nez says:

    27 years ago i met and fell in love with digb. he was having marriage problems at the time and had 3 young children. he had got married at 18 and things werent good. anyway i was out of a hurtful divorce myself ..anyway we fell in love but eventually he made the choice to be there for the kids cause his wife was moving far away. eventhough i knew he loved me i understood how he felt about the kids. recently he is back in my life, a chance meeting. i always felt he was the love of life. he has lived apart from his wife for two years now. we get along wonderfully and i know there is nothing left between him and the wife. is it still wrong to go out with him, even though he hasnt had a “married life” with his wife for years. to me she has it made. he pays the house note and she doesnt even have to see him.

  40. Sal says:

    I found out seven months ago that my husband was having an affair. To say the least this discovery turned my world upside down. I have done TONS of reading on line and have found it all so helpful so I feel the need to write about my experience.
    I have been married for 12 years, my husbands affair went on for about two of those years. We had been having trouble prior to the start of the affair, he was unhappy in his job and at home and started going out alot, which made me nag him alot and then he went out more, it just kept going round and round. We often expressed our unhappiness in the marriage and the issues we had, but neither one of us really listened, he wanted more affection and wanted me to be nicer to him, I wanted more help around the house and with the kids, I had to like him to have sex with him, he had to get sex to be nice (this is a pretty simplified version of our issue but I am sure you know what I am saying) He travels out of town, always to the same city and he met someone on a business trip and started a relationship with her. She was not married and never had been so it was easy to be with her. He told her from day one that he was married and not separated. (the OW has told me that she did know he was married from the start of the relationship, this is a whole ‘nother issue all together, why START relationship at all with him!?!?!?!?) His trips became more frequent, I did not really mind because that way there was no fighting when he was gone.

    As time went on I realized that I could no longer live like this and it was not a good environment for my kids. Although we still had great moments they were getting farther apart and the bad was starting to out weigh the good. I also really thought about my options and was wittness to some of my friends getting divorced. One day I found a hotel receipt from one of his trips and it was for two guests, I was suspicious but did not confront him, but it really got me thinking, did I want a divorce, did I still love my husband, we got married for a reason and really had a history together. I though about all his complaints and did what I could from my end. Things did get better but not great. A few months after I found the receipt a facebook incident happened and then I caught him on the phone with the OW. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said yes. He told me he wanted to stay married and would do what ever it took to make things work and he has done that. He quit going out of town so much and the three times he did I went with or we took a family vacation (we have family there so it was easy to do) I told him I wanted to make new memories in the city he used to go to, he said if that is what it takes to made me feel comfortable he is fine with that. He holds me when I cry, and is VERY patient with my mood swings. He anwers my questions. We are closer than ever and more aware each others feelings. I am not over it by any means but am really trying, I still cry and get mad and cannot believe it happened to me. I do not think I will ever forget the OW but feel my husband is sorry for what he has done and truly want s make things work out. So for now we are.

    Also I have talked to the other woman on more that one occasion and am not sure I would recommend it. She of course says he stalked her and she tried to end it, he was going to leave me for her. She completed his life. They did all this fun stuff together, never fought. I could go on and on about what I think about all this, but in summary there was no “real life” in the realtionship. While I was at home dealing with sick kids, car pools, bills, house repairs you two were off having dinner and sex after a game of golf, but I did get fun times with the kids and my husband, holidays and week ends and I have him now. And it is better than it ever was. There are three sides to the story, his side, her side and the truth. I know they were both wrong in thier actions.

  41. Jackie says:

    In 1996, I could feel that something was not right with my husband. I asked him if there was someone else, and he admitted that he was having an affair with a coworker. At this point in time we had been with each other for twenty years. Our children were 3,5, and 7 at the time. I wanted to repair our marriage and go to counseling because we had so much time invested in our relationship and for the sake of our three children, one who was disabled. (autism) He requested a separation, and moved up to the mountains. He hardly saw our children, and when he did want to see the children, he would request that I stay up in the mountains with him and the children. He would make excuses to not spend alone time with the children on his own. Finalization of our divorce took only five months. He did not request custody of our children. As soon as the divorce papers were filed, he left the state, and moved 2000 miles away from all of us. He also made a comment that he was going to miss me before he left the state. I then replied, “Why did we get a divorce then ?” I think he was trying to relieve the guilt of what he had done to me and our children. The visitation of our children is for 6 weeks a year, and the visitation with our children only happened consistently for the first three years after our divorce. My ex and his lover also had the audacity to get married in front of our children 2 1/2 months after our divorce. He didn’t even have the nerve to tell me he had gotten remarried until I had questioned my children after my daughter came home with a fancy lace dress. His attitude was that I would want the children at my wedding if I got remarried. I told him that this was unacceptable because the children were still recovering from a divorce and abandonment of their father. They only knew the woman for a few days before they were getting married !!! I later found out from my daughter when they went out for visitation that this “wonderful” woman that he left me for, was not feeding our disabled son when he was at work. Our son would always come back thinner than when he left. To this day, I hope that this woman never sets foot anywhere near me, and that she rots in hell !!! I even got her on the phone one day, and told her exactly what I thought of her. I told her that she took the father of my children away from his kids. Her reply was, “He was long gone before I ever met him.” She then hung up the phone. She also got nasty with me another time after my brother passed away in Idaho, and I called to speak to the children when they were out there for visitation. She would also make comments in the background when I would call to discuss our children. I would tell my ex that she did not have any business in our conversations regarding our children, and of course he was not man enough to stand up to her. He also let her get away with not feeding our helpless son. Fortunately my ex did not have any children with her. It is bad enough that he had spent more time with her two children over the last fourteen years than he has his own children. My ex did call the children regularly, but he was not a physical presence in their lives. I have raised them as a single parent for 14 years. At the time of the divorce, I was a stay at home Mom. After the divorce, I stayed with the children in Colorado for another year and a half, then I decided to move back to my home state to get help from my Mother to take care of my children while I got my life back in order. I pursued a Masters in Special Education, and I am currently teaching. Our disabled son who was initially diagnosed with autism, passed away two years ago. His condition became a degenerative one, and the three of us saw him deteriorate for 12 1/2 years. My daughter developed a panic attack while she was in France over her brother’s death, and has been seeing a therapist for over two years now. My son has also expressed an interest in seeing a therapist because he feels that he has relationship problems. I think that the feelings of abandonment are also coming out. I can attribute some of these issues to their father’s behavior. All in all I have raised good well adjusted children on my own, but there will be scars from their Father’s behavior probably for the rest of their lives. Both of my children are responsible and productive in their lives, and I hope that they do not follow their Father’s behavior. I will never understand why this woman has been of such importance in my ex’s life. I can not fathom why he would put his family’s life in jeopardy for this deplorable person.

  42. Cathy says:

    In this case that Matt was having an “affair” before the marriage then have the nerve to keep it going to this day is to me a deal breaker. Infact the Deal never got off the ground to start with. Rochelle, get up dust yourself off and get to moving and look at it this way it isn’t you its all him he is self-centered and does not have you in his heart to start with. He will do this again even to the mystress he is bedding down now. He loves only one himself so you do the same Love They self and take care of Thy self. Good Luck.

  43. Carol says:

    Husbands and OW’s who cheat are selfish and self-absorbed individuals who care nothing about the consequences their actions will bring to the ones who love them. The King and Queen of Selfishness are my ex and his (at the time) MOW (married other woman) who continued to carry on their affair during my breast cancer and reconstruction. After 25 years of marriage, I needed his emotional support, but was told by both cheaters that they would not stop seeing each other. I promptly filed for divorce and focused on myself. I am healthier and happier without him in my life!

  44. BB says:

    To Jackie,
    I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a rough time of it with your kids and especially your disabled son who died. I hear a lot of anger in your post and I don’t blame you at all, but yet it sounds like you are blaming the OW more than you are blaming your lying cheating skumbag of an ex husband. He was their father and sounds like he didn’t live up to his end of the deal, sadly as a lot of men do. I wish all of you health and healing.

  45. BB says:

    David…….you need to face up to the truth and stop living in such an unhappy situation and stop being a coward. Cowards have affairs, instead of fighting for the marriage or having the guts to leave, cowards want it both ways. For what ever reasons your wife and you are not going to be OK, and probably never were. You have two choices, decide you can live with it and accept it (and not cheat), or get out and try to make yourself content and happy and then find a relationship that will fulfill you. Life is short……and to live in hell is not being good to yourself.

  46. Barbara Harmon says:

    My husband was cheating on me while I was going through chemo for colon cancer…he worked with this woman, and she knew all this, yet she still continued to see him…No..I’m not blaming her, but how low can someone go???? Finally when I was cancer free, he left me…not for her of course, is what he told me…but in February of this year…he married her…if you aren’t happy with your spouse, be man or woman enough to just tell them, and get a divorce, even though this hurts like HELL, it’s better than finding out years into your marriage that one of you has been unfaithful…that HURT…NEVER ends…

  47. Catherine Conant says:

    My husband cheated on me throughout the course of our 35 year marriage. He is a compulsive liar and I enabled his behaviors by continually excusing his behaviors on his difficult childhood, etc. After each time he got caught he was overcome with guilt and remorse, begging for another chance. We always sought help and for periods of time things would be calm, but certainly not structurally healthy. We have a son and daughter and the family, as I believed it to be, was the most important thing in my life.

    After 30+ years of marriage he said he ‘needed to find’ himself which is of course code for ‘I’ve already found someone else’. We spent the next 3 years bouncing back and forth until finally he asked to reconcile. We sat down to talk and he said he wanted to reconcile BUT be able to see the other person to make sure he was “getting the best deal’ for himself. It was at that moment that I realized that to stay with him was to sign my own death warrant. That he was incapable of being a healthy, balanced person who thought of others before himself.
    Breaking up my family was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done (except the death of my granddaughter 3 years later). I now live a peaceful, honest and honest life. I look back and realize that in my family of origin all the men cheated on their wives and for years it was how I perceived a ‘normal’ marriage.

    To add to the heartache and confusion, 3 years after the divorce a former babysitter came to my home and said he has molested her. He admitted he had, although she has refused to press charges. I have stood by her and she had received counseling and is doing well. I find this is the most profound example of how a person without a moral core, a sexual addict and a narcissistic personality is incapable of having a healthy relationship.

    To start life over at 58 years of age was challenging, but I sleep soundly, I withstand the rigors of supporting myself and I am a better parent, friend, sibling and individual because I am not trying to sustain an honest relationship with someone who doesn’t have a clue as to what that means.
    I urge any woman who feels she can’t live without a man/husband in her life to rethink the quality of that life, the effort that it takes and the pitiful return on that investment of life and energy. I am grateful I found the strength, awareness and courage to leave and start over. Don’t sell yourself short as I did. It’s not worth the effort. Lying in bed waiting for the next piece of news to come your way is simply not how we’re supposed to live

  48. cheryl says:

    I have been divorced for one year. My marriage of 30 yrs ended with my Ex’s affair.I stayed for 8 months and tried to give him every chance to stop his behavior.He would not and I decided that I needed to be a Good role model to my children.So I threw him out and started proceedings.I am happy to report that my life is so much better now than when I was married.I was miserable and cried all the time.I needed his permission to do or go anywhere. Oh what was I even thinking? Needless to say its not all fine,but I do see a brighter future for me and my kids. Never stay and take abuse of any kind I did for too long. Thanks Dr Phil for always having answers even when we think there are none.

  49. I stayed in a marriage after I found that my husband cheated on me with my best friend while I was in the hospital. We worked at saving our marriage and he never cheated again, but the pain am memories don’t go away, only the best friend!! I stayed another 8 yrs, we were best friends, but I got sick again and I realized he couldn’t deal with that. I think it would have just been a matter of time before it happened again, but I don’t know that. I walked out of my 16 yr marriage, in fact I reconnected with my best friend. Then I had both sides of the story, I never did go back and eventually did remarry, so did my ex. But I did find out the truth of the affair and he never did admit to all of it, or tried to hide it. Everyone knew but me! Or I guess I chose to believe him.

  50. Angel Horne says:

    My husband cheated on me a year ago and we have worked it out but it has been REALLY hard to do since the crazy women he cheated with has threatened my life and stalks my house and everything I do online. We have had to go to court over her twice already and still have to go again soon because she still won’t stop. I do not sympathize at all with the other women because I know how it feels to be the wife and have to deal with the other women. The sad part of it is that the mistress that I have had to deal with has a husband and 2 kids of her own, but in her head she is going to be with my husband and has went as far as to tell her friends and mine that she WILL be in my house and that she will have my husband and has went as far as mapping my house out and planning where her kids are going to sleep.
    I just want a normal life, we are very happy now and have went to counseling for this infidelity and he is a good man and i love him very much

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