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October 1st, 2009 by Dr. Phil

And Now, the Other Woman

iStock_000005623898XSmallYou ready for a little controversy? OK, you ready for a lot of controversy? Then get ready for Monday’s show, because you may be yelling at the screen for this one, but it is important and really interesting!

On the show, I’m going to be interviewing the fabled “other woman.”  Five of them, in fact, and all of them members of the online group “Mistresses Anonymous.” All of them openly talk to me about why they became mistresses to married men. They also talk about what they have to endure as mistresses. And I have to tell you, what they have to say is so intriguing that I think this show easily could have gone three hours in length.

In fact, when we were taping the episode, I kept glancing at members of the studio audience, noticing just how many of them had their mouths open in shock. What clearly stunned everyone in the audience was the “other women’s” complaints that they are victims as much as the wives who are being cheated on.

iStock_000001130579XSmallThey believe they are victimized by how their married lovers lie to them and string them along for years at a time.  They have a unique point of view on how the wife carries a lot of the blame for the situations.  I’ll let you hear those arguments for yourself. The “other women” also bitterly describe feeling stuck on the sidelines, always looking in, but don’t seem to own the fact that they, in most cases, are knowingly in a relationship with a married man.

Needless to say, I’m dying to hear what you think. As you watch these other women, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are they really victims, or are they just whining?
  • Do they truly want marriage themselves, or is there some part of them that is actually very content with a secret, part-time, taboo relationship?
  • What do you think about their comments that wives need to behave more like mistresses?
  • Why, in the end, do you really think men have affairs? And what about married women who have affairs? Are they cheating for different reasons than men?
  • Finally, can a marriage survive infidelity? Should it? And if one wants the marriage to survive an affair, then how exactly does one go about it?

I look forward to your comments. I’ll be reading and responding, as I love our conversations.

Here’s my video reply to reader Donna, who says, ” … I also think Dr. Phil was wrong in giving advice on how to keep your husband from cheating. How come everyone always blames the wife?”

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759 Responses to “And Now, the Other Woman”

  1. Patrick says:

    Hi, Dr Phil. I was married to a professional liar and cheater for 13 years I caught her with a man 20 years her senior,I left her on the spot,Im still in the home with my son who refuses to live with her and her man friend,I returned to school to get myself a trade,it was a hard to do going back to college and trying to keep my home and be a good parent finaceally,I have walked off the college stage with my diploma in hand and never looked back,she stills looks down on me for doing better with my life and I still have (our son) whom she refuses to support to this very day,Im recently been a grandfather she even refuse me to have contact with my first grandchild she has her oldest son who does not live with me he has been brainwashed and I agree with most people who is saying it’s their lost not to have me into their lives…my motto is what goes around comes around Im a true believer in Karma. Thank’s for your time

  2. Struggling Mom says:

    I was married for 17 years to the same kind of creep. Had 2 kids – 1 miscarriage. Finally dumped him after he dated my future sister-in-law and because their family was after him to marry her, he introduced her to his single brother – and they got married.

    I was faced with lipstick on shirts, perfume – not coming home from Friday nite until Sunday nite – once went to the store on Friday nite for a loaf of bread and never came home until Sunday nite.

    Tell this gal to dump him now and not wait. She will meet someone who loves her, maybe, but be careful.

    My family, being catholic, was against divorce, etc. and I listened to them for all those years – think of the family, the kids, etc. they would say. Well, I finally dumped him and raised 2 good kids – never on drugs, no drinking, etc. They are both successful today and hate their father for what he did to me and them. And, none of his friends who he put first in line come around to see or help him.

    Too bad he gave us up for more assholes like himself.

    GET RID OF HIM NOW…………………………..

  3. Kim says:

    I believe when someone cheats on a person; that it is time to move on. The person that is doing the cheating lacks self esteem & uses this to boost their ego and most often this is not the first time they have cheated… maybe it is on the spouse, but at some point & time they cheated on their girlfriend or boyfriend… they tend to blame the other party for their cheating, rationalizing in their minds that if the other person treated them better or did this or did that or made more money, and the list goes on…. as I said before they use it as an excuse to try and build up their ego or to make themselves feel better… I am divorced and remarried…. I have been with my current husband 10 years, I have never cheated on him nor had any desire to cheat on him nor has he cheated on me…. I feel that our relationship is fresh and he can still make me blush…we talk about our issues and tackle them as a team… we are not rich and right now I am unemployed; I lost my job about 6 months ago and have not been able to find employment, but not one time has he thrown that up in my face or used it over my head. Our bills are our bills, just like our money is our money, it doesn’t matter who makes the most… it is ours.. I thank God everyday for sending him in my life… we both made an agreement before we got married; it was the ABCDE agreement, this is what we would not tolerate in our marriage and if it occurred it was time to move on: A alcohol, B beating C cheating D drugs E all the above… I was a victim in my first marriage in all of the above and I realized one day I was not created to be the victim or the punching bag & i moved on with my life… I feel this way; if you are thinking about cheating on your spouse; it is time to move on because that is not going to fix the situation….you will continue the pattern until you realize that “you” need help… That is the first choice to make; if you are thinking about cheating before you do; talk to a counselor or preacher, or your spouse….don’t have the guilt of cheating, that is one of the ultimate betrayals that someone can do to their spouse being abusive is the other… when you start finding faults with your spouse; go look in the mirror and start acknowledging your faults…and instead of pointing out the “bad faults” focus on the good and then work on the “lacking”..everyone has one; so I gave mine… I would recommend for the couples who are trying to work it out after someone has cheated, not to have sex on any level until they can move forward with forgiveness & healing; a marriage should not be based on sex, it should be based on trust, love & safety….

  4. skippy says:

    These mistresses are NOT victims. How pathetic they think they deserve pity! If you don’t want to feel “stuck on the sidelines,” don’t sneak around with a married man! They’re just self-centered, selfish individuals who care nothing for the wives and children they’re hurting. These women probably have self esteem issues; it makes them feel good that a man is breaking his marriage vows for her.

  5. Becca says:

    I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. All men cheat — it’s in their nature. I’m 55 years old and there’s not one man who has touched my life who has not cheated on their spouse. i don’t believe it’s in their nature to be monogomous. Soooo, as a woman, you just learn to appreciate what you do have. If he cares about you, treats you good, be grateful for those things, appreciate what you have and live with it.

  6. Denise Viles says:

    Dr. Phil:

    I am a married woman who has been having an affair for over 2 years with a married man. When we discuss why we continue to see each other, the only answer we have is that something is missing in our marriages. Neither of us wants to end our marriages, but we don’t want to end the affair either. My question is, are all affairs truly harmful to a marriage. As the “other woman” I don’t feel as though I’m missing anything by not being my lovers “one&only”, but I do feel as though I’m not giving 100% to my marriage either.

  7. Terry says:

    Hi Dr. Phil:

    I was married to a cheating husband for 34 years. He started to cheat when we had been married for about 2 years, around the time my first child was born. That was the first time that I knew about, but I didn’t confront him. He had many, many affairs throughout the years, and again I never confronted him, because he had a bad temper and I was afraid of him. He just thought he was getting away with it, and I let him. He even had a child with one of his mistresses, but he doesn’t know that I know that. About 2 years before he finally left me for another woman, I knew that he was again cheating and I finally confronted him about 6 months before he left. He swore he would break of the affair, which apparently he did, but he began affair with another woman within a month after he ended the last affair. When I finally confronted him again, he told me he was leaving me. And he did.

    He destroyed our family. He destroyed my self-esteem. He made me feel fat, old, stupid and ugly, when infact I am quite slim, attractive and well educated. I had to start all over again at the age of 55. I had a good career and was monetarily self-sufficient, but everything we had was joint. Two months after he left, I made an appointment with a lawyer and decided that I need to divorce him. That I couldn’t live with this man ever again. He was very angry that I had proceeded with divorce, and wanted to keep both me and his mistress. I made the decision that I couldn’t live like that anymore.

    Now, I feel blessed that he left me. I have no more turmoil in my life living with a cheating partner. The scars that I have left from this relationship is a huge trust issue. I have dated since the divorce, but most men my age are either looking for someone who is financially secure, since they may not be, or someone to ‘look after’ them. And would another man cheat on me again.

    I have recently retired from my career and am very involved with my children and grandchildren. I have many friends. Many interests, and look forward to travelling. I do still miss being a couple though because it is still a ‘couples’ world, but I would rather be single than to live with a cheater…..once a cheater, always a cheater.

    Thank you for giving me the opportunity to vent.

    Terry

  8. Alice Cady says:

    I lived with my husband for seven years. He cheated on me for about five of them. I staded with him for the two kids but it hurt them more than it did me. We are friends know . The kids are all grone and have kids of their own.I think we learn from our misstakes.

  9. Alice Cady says:

    I lived with my husband for sven years. I had to make him leave because it was hearting the two kids more than it was us.He cheated on me for about four of the seven years. We are good friends because the kids are grone.They have kids of their own.

  10. Crissie says:

    I was the wife with a 12 year marriage when I discovered that my husband was cheating on me with a woman 24 years younger than me. At first, I was heart-broken and plotted revenge. Then I decided I was going to be a stronger person and something happened. I visited Cuba on an adventure package with a girlfriend and found after hiking and using all my physical and emotional strength daily on the adventure tour that I could move on without him. One simple little adventure vacation turned my life around.

    Crissie

  11. Julie says:

    The Tazmanian Devil would have nothing on me if my husband cheated on me. I would be gone. I married a man I love for many reasons one of which is his ethics, morals, values and character. Need I say more…………?

  12. Susie says:

    Timing is everything…. I am married over twenty years, and had been having a relationship with a married man. After three and 1/2 years, I got a call from his wife- and his other girlfriend on the same Sunday morning. I did not speak to the wife, but I was very interested in what the other girlfriend had to say.
    This is so much more convoluted than I could have ever imagined. Suffice it to say, I denied the wife “friend” status and closed my face book account( the devil itself) and after a bit of minor research found this guy has over 15 other girlfriends.
    He sent me and the other gal, three times zones away, the exact same emails- love letters, emotional intimacies, prayers and support for the future. We read them on the phone word for word simultaneously. The other girlfriend speaks to the wife almost daily, and they are BFFs and face book friends. The wife thinks her husband is not seeing anyone else, yet she has no clue he is still contacting her new BFF.
    Oh yes, truth is so much stranger than fiction-
    The girlfriend tells me she is pregnant with his baby, and has not told him or the wife yet.
    I learned how grateful I am to have a husband that is not a pathological liar.
    I learned the wife is not the insane,lazy, addicted parasite that he spoke of.
    I told the girlfriend if he hasn’t left her in 30 years- he’s not leaving her now.
    the truth is “No matter how thin the pancake there is always two sides” Dr. Phil
    you are RIGHT, have always been right, and continue to be right.
    I regret the time and energy I wasted on this .
    It has however, enhanced my love and gratitude for my husband.
    He should be punished, but that is not my job. I got off easy with a broken heart, and a renewed validation of my intuition.
    I sensed it each time he was with someone else but thought and told him ” your girlfriends are your wife’s problem, I just want a friend”
    It was the dumbest, most revealing thing I have ever done and it has made me a better person in every way.
    I have apologized to the wife and she said she had been dealing with his cheating for 30 years. Last time she caught him, he planned they renew their vows to prove how committed he was. He then called BOTH of us that weekend and never stopped to mention anything about what he did.
    What a waste of time, energy and breath.
    I Thank God everyday I saw the light.

  13. Judy says:

    I have been married to a man for 41 years who cheated on me numerous times. After the children were raised, I work, am independent and will not tolerate the lies. We have worked hard to restore the trust, but so far, I am trustworthy as I’ve always been, and he may or may not be, but it is going to take a miracle for me to fully trust him in this lifetime. As we had a large family and he is a good father and grandfather, and we are good companions we continue a marriage that is not all it could have been if he would have made me his one and only. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to confront his behaviors earlier in our marriage and the harm it has done to our children knowing at some level that their father was not faithful to their mother.

  14. Georgette says:

    What????? She is staying with this LOSER?
    I would give him a taste of his medicine and date someone , She is staying because of the children? How could you ever trust this liar ?
    She could also sue the mistress on alianation of affection.
    He must have a big ego two women wanting him

  15. Georgina says:

    I have experienced both sides of this. I left my first husband for another man, because I could not overcome the feelings I had for the other person and I could not continue a relationship with my husband when I was clearly in love with someone else. I had tried to get my husband to go to counselling, but since he didn’t have problem, in his mind there wasn’t one. In hindsight, I was very young at the time, and my husband was the wrong person for me.

    I have since married and divorced twice more, due to my husbands infidelities. I fortunately only have a child with my last husband. The point is that in the end, I was choosing people that were either wrong for me, or had a history of infidelity.

    I am not saying my ex’s aren’t guilty of making poor decisions for their own reasons, but I too am accountable for the choices that I’ve made.

    My last divorce broke my heart, for I truly loved my husband and would probably have forgiven the affair if he had come clean, but I found out and he denied it and then was so hurtful towards me and my family that there was no going back.

    I have had to acknowledge that the issues lie with me, if I am not getting to know these people well enough before I commit my life to them, then I am to blame.

    I do not place fidelity itself high on the list of importance..because it is not the cheating that hurts it’s the lying and deception… the deliberate sneaking around that does it for me. I could forgive a drunken indiscretion for example.. not saying I wouldn’t be pissed, but I could probably forgive that… what I cannot forgive is being lied to.

    I do understand why mistresses think that sometimes it’s the wifes fault, for sometimes it is… if you ignore your husband… and don’t make time for him to make him feel important, to feel heard.. to feel loved then sometimes even the strongest man will get sucked in by someone else who will give him those things.

    Mostly though I think we each have to own our own responsibilty. If you don’t want to cheat on your partner, don’t ever put yourself in a position where you might… and as soon as you feel feelings for anyone outside your marriage, tell your partner.. talk about it… and get it out it the open. Find a way to fix whatever it is that has allowed that to happen in the first place.

    Sometimes marriage is hard work, but it’s getting through all the hard work to the reward at the end of the climb that makes it so great. Don’t think someone else will fix all your problems, because they don’t.. you just take them with you. Unless your husband or wife is violent or agressive, or continually unfaithful.. work it out.. it will be worth it in the long run.

  16. Sandy Discombe says:

    Dr Phil, I have been on both sides of the fence here, I have been the subject of many unfaithful men and then a few years ago, had an affair with a married man myself. He was very charismatic and he persued me relentlessly. It later became apparant that he was a serial cheater, but I take full resposibility for my actions. Eventually his wife found out and confronted me at my home, I agreed to not see him again. About a month later (still foolishly and pathetically in love) I alllowed him back into my life one more time,I couldnt live with it and contacted his wife as soon as he left. She did not believe that he ‘would do such a thing’ and suggested I was delusional. I eventually persuaded her to visit my home where I showed her evidence (clothing) I had kept of his visit.To this day they still cohabitate, he still cheats and Iwill NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN ! It was the worst ,most humiliating and pathetic situation and I will not allow myself to stoop to that level again. ps Im still single !

  17. PK says:

    When reading all the remarks, there are many with personal insights. However, there are others which seem to pick sides – does this mean that there is a winner and a loser. In this case, both lose.

    When I listened to Doctor Phil’s video, he clealry states that a marriage is something to be worked on, to cultivate.

    Yet, many still blamed rather than acknowledging the compleixities of a relationship and what is needed. Yes, it is one of growth – for both. This is journey, so stop being witnesses and thank you to those who offer deeper insights rather than the “judgers”.

  18. Robin says:

    I have been on both sides of this. Please do not get me wrong, cheating is not ok and I do not condone it. That said if I did not cheat , I never would have been with my now husband!

  19. Cassandra says:

    What is wrong with women nowsdays? In no situation should women be tolerating this. This women is setting a horrible example to her children! Are people this afraid to be alone? There are a million other fish in the sea, and men out there who do no cheat. This man flabbergasted me with his actions, but she was worse for staying and tolerating these actions.

  20. Asuncion Rico says:

    I have a question for the lady who was in the program today. How does she expects her husband to have respect for her if she has put up with so much? Has she tought of what she is teaching her children through her example?What about her selfesteem? From my very humble point of view, she must leave this man and she must start working on her own recovery and growth. It is not an easy job to grow children up on your own, but it can be done. Do not beg for no ones love…love yourself and get out of that bad relationship you have had. I am sure you will be a lot happier. Take control of your own life, you will be fine.
    I am a Mexican woman who watches Dr. Phill’s show every day and I learn a lot from it.

  21. Jaime says:

    Quite frankly I just don’t understand WHY she is staying with him when he has been cheating on her for years. One hour in a room full on women is not going to change his heart and his view of his wife. Those were tears of fear, not saddness and shame. If he truly felt regret, why did it take an appearance on Dr. Phil to get him to “see the light”? He said that his mistress was doing a better job as “wife” than his wife was. Do you REALLY think that he is going to just up and stop all communication? He said that he ended up talking to her again after he received comments from other people that she had made. Does he plan on making a career change as well?

  22. Donna says:

    @David, I appreciate your “hardships”…but during the course of your post, I noticed alot of “ME”s and “I”s in there. We have to take at face value what you say about the state of your marriage and how your wife behaves. We do not have the benefit of speaking to her..there are 2 sides to every story. If your marriage is so bad, cheating is NOT going to help matters. That’s just ego and your weewee talking to you. Next time you’d like to get all weewee’d up, take your wife out to dinner, bring her a dozen (no…two dozen) roses — and please don’t bring brown, dead, crispy ones like my husband did — just treat the woman as if she’s the hottest thing on the planet. See what happens..who knows ;)

  23. Barbara says:

    I have always been a mistress every since I started dating that’s the way I perffered it. when I got married was still doing the same thing. Then down through the years I met a married man that I love very much I was married also he left his wife ans we have been together 18 years Now it is just me and him we are going old together we love each oth to death we are now married and content. I think dating a married man iscool because if they were treated right athome they would not be seeking confort else where ans if I did’ny know the other women then oh well.

  24. Donna says:

    I am a one-woman Dr. Phil show all by myself. I am now overweight, raising a grandchild with ADD, married to a cheat. His way of dealing? Ignore it. I learned recently that he’s a ‘lifer’, I still don’t know how many other women there have been since we’ve been married (11 yrs now, together 12). He swears she’s the only one, but I say NO way: the latest tart that I busted him with, was older (he 46, her about 55) and she is married too.. *whispers* she doesn’t know that I know about her pre-nup, shhhhh.
    She came after him with a voracity, the things I learned about the relationship ended up just cracking me up, I kid you not. Ladies, sheer desperation is found at a continuously controlled 30 degrees, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
    Day after the bust, he wanted her to talk to me on the phone, but she would not do it with him standing there. He was too naiive to realize that she couldn’t throw HIM under the bus, if he was in earshot, so what did Romeo do? He gave her my phone number, then calmly went back to work “you handle it”..his typical attitude. She called to sport it in my face, number unavailable of course…
    I remember I was sitting at a booth at McDonalds with a friend, downing another round of iced coffees, tears & mascara falling down my cheek, betty boop houseslippers on…I was pitiful, and a city sanitary worker, in for lunch, felt very sorry for me. I remember thinking that 15 week old lettuce, diesel, and black grease don’t look so bad when you’ve been cheated on, and you’re realllllllly pissed. Oh, and the cable guy: he was hot ladies. And I am so smooth, when he looked me dead in the eyes and said “is there anything else I can do for you today”? I can think of 100 things I could have done to be memorably sexy. But reality bites, so I just burst out laughing in his face, hysterically laughing. He looked puzzled, then scurried out of there post-haste. I have always wanted to tell him that I wasn’t laughing AT him, but rather the delicious visuals of my cheater husband walking in from work on that scene, cable everywhere…hahahahahaha.
    Anyway, I remember thinking of how nasty and rasping her voice sounds, that smoker’s rasp. Ahhhhha! It dawned on me why he’d come in stenching of cigarette smoke. HER smoke. He’d said it was some guy from the office who he’d said hello to out in the smoking area. Nice try loser. Flo from the 24 hr Trucker Diner done told on ya, sugar bumpkins.
    I told her to come on in and pick him up, no one would bother her, bring her fancy suv and pick him up, plus all of his belongings.
    Her reply was “I don’t wunt ‘im”.
    After all she’d done? Are you kidding me? No, she wasn’t kidding. She even tried the old “I didn’t know he was married” routine. I asked her “why did you go after a married man”? She said “I saw sumthin’ I liked n’ I went fer it”. I kid you not, that is how she talks.
    Does anyone remember that chick from the movie “Beetlejuice”, down in the underworld, the case worker? Cigarette smoke swirls out from the slit in her throat, and she has this hideously raspy voice. THAT’S what picture she invoked. Anyway, I discoverd that the player got played,
    he was a game *snicker*
    The night he lost his job of 14 years because of his addiction to her (trysts on company property is a no-no), I almost felt sorry for him. He lost great income, full benefits, insurance and a 401. He had a breakdown, said he’d dissappointed his Grandpa, and cried like an infant with extreme colic for about 2 hours. He made the mistake of going to my DAD with the “I’m sorry for what I did to the family” thing. My dad thought it interesting that my husband had not acknowledge what he’d done to me, as his wife, and to our marriage. (People, you do not know my dad. He would make Dr. Phil feel like an inferior ant, he holds 2 Masters degrees in counseling and worked with Juvenile delinquents & parolees in the worst areas. My roaming husband was milktoast to my dad).
    Romeo and I did a short stint with a counselor who does marriage counseling, sex therapy, and wears very low tank tops. After being insulted for 20 minutes during our session, I decided to find out why she was so “on his side”. I can admit when I’m wrong, try to see both sides, but this was turning ridiculous.
    Turns out, she is dating a cheater. So she made everything my fault. My kids, my granddaughter (”well he didn’t have the opportunity to just say no to raising her’, which is a huge falsehood), I don’t feel good about myself, she said it was because I dropped out of the marriage, she did manage to choke out that I was relatively attractive and that he hadn’t made it to be about my weight. She said I could leave him because I was still marketable at 47, as opposed to 50, and when I asked her “what about him paying mild spousal support for only 2 years, OR just help me get into an apt, like maybe $100 for a deposit, is that fair”? Her state-licensed reply? “Oh, so you want him to PAY you to leave”?
    I am not her client, she can toss that folder.

    Truth is, HE wants his home base, with Mama installed, which is me. He eats, sleeps, gets his laundry at home, and has me to handle his bills — lives his life outside. Sex, dating, friends, buddies, all that.
    I take my own responsibility in that I have allowed him to treat me like dirt, with no dignity or respect, I totally lost it when I found out for sure. I screamed, I cried alot, I’d always known but couldn’t catch him. He even told me once, after I’d asked him point blank if he was seeing someone else, that if I felt I needed therapy, he’d back me 100%.
    The child saw none of this, God works in mysterious ways, she was on Spring Break with her other Grandma. She knows all is not well, make no mistake. My sarcasm is as transparent as his wrinkled girlfriend’s thong material…yes it is.
    Important:
    The thing that disturbs me, is that everyone talks about all the signs of cheating. Texts, emails, calls, cologne…well let me tell you…NONE of that applied to him. He can live this way with a straight-as-a-pin poker face. He is very careful, no phone calls, no emails, he makes sure I have ALL his passwords. He calls me on the cell phone ALL the time. You should see the records. It’s very strange. Red flags still exist, and always will. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this mess, I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be a burden on one of my kids either. Wish me luck, as I do to each of you :) Sorry about the book!! God Bless*~

  25. Sharon says:

    I was married for 13 years to a man that I could not stand. I cheated on him because of the mental abuse. I believe the couple on the show today has many issues that need to be taken care if they both want this marriage ( if you call this a marriage) to work.
    I feel that the wife will really know when she is ready to restart her life, you just know in your heart. I wish this lady the best of luck.

  26. Joyce Ernst says:

    I go by this rule: Cheat/lie to me once, shame on you.
    Cheat/lie to me twce, shame on me. (I be gone.)

  27. Jean Sanchez says:

    I am choosing the alternative. I am married to a man that is/has cheated on me. I believe this is the second time he has been involved with another woman. He admitted to the affair two days before our 18th wedding anniversary. I have always believed in Jesus but was not active in the church. When the affair happened it sure did bring me to my knees. I have been reading and praying for months to restore the marriage. I have faith the Lord will restore the marriage. Through daily reading I learned I had a part in his infidelity. I had done so much for my husband that I believe I became prideful and did not have the right attitude. He violated his marriage covenants and I do have an out but I choose the alternative. I believe the marriage will be better than it was before. I have a lot of folks praying for us.

  28. Patricia says:

    My future husband was in a horrible marriage that started because she was pregnant, 35 years ago. They ultimately had four children. We found each other at a time in our lives that put us together and we KNEW that’s where we wanted to be: with each other.
    I was married too but knew I couldn’t live a lie so I got divorced right away, two years ago. His divorce was final this month – it was much more difficult for him because of grandchildren that live at home.
    We’ve lived together over a year and have been to hell and back – partly because of his drinking, but that ended six months ago. In support of him, I also quit drinking. He’s a changed man – even more beautiful than when I first met him.
    We’re in counseling and doing well – the plan is to get married once there hasn’t been any drinking for over a year. It’s not an issue, I just don’t want to rush into it.
    My point is that even when two people find each other at the ‘wrong’ time (one or both married) it can still work out. We are the love of each others lives!

  29. Sharon says:

    Dr. Phil
    Why is it that cheaters can never just stand up and be a man and “OWN IT”! I cant even stand watching this show. (DVR) I wish this wife could walk away. I was married to a cheater for 32 years. He treated me like gold. I found out about an affair and tried to work it out for a year. He lied the whole time–turned out he was living a double life for 7 years. Yes, it was hard. I was 51 years old but I am struggling to start over and can stand tall and know I did what I could. He was the same kind of coward I see on this TV today.
    That was 3 and half years ago. No, you never get over the hurt and deceipt but you do get stronger and become a better person because of it. I was married a long time and no longer wish my ex-husband any harm but he is one empty shallow human being. I actually feel sorry for him now…no I dont want him back.
    OK, I feel better.
    I am just rambling…it can be done.. you dont have to share a man.
    Sharon
    Baltimore, MD

  30. terri says:

    HELLO DR. PHIL: ON OCTOBER 11TH, 2009; I FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND OF SIX YEARS WAS CHEATING ON ME WITH A WOMEN (HO) AS HE CALLED HER AS HE PAID FOR SEX WITH HER; FOR 26 MONTHS…I WAS TOTALLY DEVESTATED, CONFUSED AND HURT….FOR MONTHS I COULD HARDLY EAT (LOST 20 POUNDS) OR THINK OR WORK…I AM FINALLY GETTING MYSELF TOGETHER….BUT I CAN TELL YOU I WILL NEVER LOVE HIM LIKE I DID AND HE WILL NEVER BE MY “HERO” AGAIN..I STAY BECAUSE I DO STILL LOVE HIM AND HE IS A GREAT FATHER TO MY CHILDREN…BUT I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME…IF YOU LOOK IN MY EYES; YOU CAN SEE THE PAIN….

  31. Lashon Jackson says:

    I agree word for word with Jean Sanchez. I found myself exaclty in her shoes days before our annivarsary. There are no words to desrcibe the pain and emotional agony that comes along with this horrible sittuation. I also had to turn to God to give me strength to forgive him first and pray for him and our marriage second. It has only been about 2mns since our ordeal and very fresh in my heart. As strange as it may sound, we are better than we where before the affair. I still have bad days and things happen daily that reminds me of it. However I pray and trust that God will get us both through this and make us both stronger and better people and better mates to eachother. As far as the other woman, I hope she finds what she is looking for and ask for forgivness for hurtfull decisions. We have far many good things in our marriage then bad and it’s absolutly worth saving. We both agree and are happy that we both stayed together.

  32. Joyce Smith says:

    My boyfriend for 7 years has cheated on me twice, at least those are the ones I know about. The second one was with who I thought was my best friend. One of those friendships where you could see yourself as friends with this person for the rest of your life. Our children played together and they came to every single one of our family funtions/holidays. Once I found out about the sex with my ex-bf, I told him if he wanted to be with her then that was what would happen. He said he had not been with her sexually in a long while but kept asking like a little kid would ask for candy but never intended on sex with her again. So we talked for about a month and then he began to act strange again. He then blurted out one Friday night that his parents, sister and even his ex-wife thought it was best that he left me and that they actually made him feel it would be the best thing. So the very next day I had my familt at our house and we moved all our items from the home. I coudl not stay away from him though. I can’t ever explain why or how much I still love this man. Because it does sound insane, yet like I said I could not stay away from him. We eventually became pregnaunt during our split. We went through 9 months of back and fort, arguments, hatred, anger, denial, and vindictivness. We did reconcile after our daughter was born. I still have fear, everyday, that he will cheat again. He blamed me, my attitude towards him, my attitude towards his family, my wanting him to have disipline and responcibility towards his daughter, my questioning his behaivior and anything else he could on me. My ex-friend and he also made up an affair with her husband to make it ok for them to sleep together. The really gross part is she was sleeping with several men at the time and not just him. My fiancee knew this and had sex with her with no protectiona t all. After all of this, about 6 months ago I was diagnosed with HPV. Never had had it before and my doctor said it could have just been dormant for the time while I was pregnaunt. I wonder if I should have a full screen STD test again. I had one right after I found out about him sleeping with her cause I knew she was sleeping with other men besides her husband, well he knew to but that was their lifestyle choice. To sum it up it kills me that I know could possibly develope cancer because my boyfriend and my ex bf decided they wanted to play and did not care who they hurt. It makes me feel like I will pay for their decisions for the rest of MY life and I was not given a choice. I honestly wish I could let it go and it had gotten a lot better until I developed the STD. Should I get screened? Should we go to counseling? Should I just walk away from him? Why won’t he still talk to me about anything? Guess I will just go one and try to figure it out on my own but I wish there was some sort of manual on how to forgive and stay with your cheating spouse to help. Thank you for your different topics and show. It helps to watch and listen to your advice.

  33. alicia says:

    i was married for ten years i was in love with him still am. he cheated . he lied to me and he told me woman is pregnant i wanted to save my marriage, i was willing to forgive him i tried to make it work. he told me i will never call her again he told me all the lies. but i could not live like that i have 3 kids they needed me. i was falling apart trying to make marriage work and not paying attention to my children not taking care of me i lost 35 lbs in less thentwo months he wasn’t trying.
    i kicked him out of my house. and have not turned back. even got a divorce.
    i still love him with all my heart, but i will not put myself second in my marriage.

  34. natalie says:

    I was married for 10 years when I found out about my husband’s affair. He never told me the truth. I hired a private investigator.

    I filed for divorce and left. It came down to personal responsibility. I believe that spouses should do everything to keep the marriage intact but if there is no personal responsibility from the person having the affair then its over.

    I believe you can do everything to change a relationship but you can’t change another person. They have to come to the realization that what they are doing is morally wrong. If they blame instead of taking responsibility then there is no relationship.

    It was the hardest decision I ever made. I chose to be sad and lonely but safe. I loved myself enough to say goodbye.

  35. Lena says:

    I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. Married for 15 this month. We are filling for divorce because he had an affair that started about 3 years ago. I tried to change for him when he first told me about the affair. I blamed myself for gaining weight, and not paying attention to him. We have 3 children all under the age of 10. I did all that I think i could, then in Feb of 08 I told him that I couldn’t take the cheating anymore. He cried and told me to give him a second chance, that he knew he made a mistake, that he belonged at home with me and the kids. Well thats what i had wanted to hear. We were fine, enjoying a good sex life and life in general. Then several months later he told me that the woman he had been with (but not slept with) was having his baby. What a shock it came to me, how dumb of me to have believed him not be have slept with this younger woman. Well he once again said he was sorry and didn’t want to lose me and two months later moved out to live with her. Thats when we started filing for divorce. He never took a paternity test, then he introduced that child to my children. He left her several months later and told me again (I don’t learn the first few times) that he loved me and wanted to come back home. I said yes for the sake of my children to try and save our marriage. Well now it has been a year since he moved back and he is having second doubt about not seeing his other child and has been going to this woman’s house to visit. My divorce can be final in several weeks and I am having a hard time coming to terms with this decision. I like what several people have written about taking responsibility of ones own life and I think its about time I do the same.

  36. Kim says:

    Dr Phil, the OW is not a victim. They fully well know that the man they are sleeping with is married. My husband went to work in another town two years ago. We’ve been married 13 yrs now and together 14. My husband hooked up with the town whore, ( as I’ve been told by many in that town) not only did he hook up with her, he moved in with her two weeks after sleeping with her. And we had freinds over there working with him and none of them told me. He left in our truck in May to work, came home two times in May, the last being Memorial weekend. Then her numbre came over the cell bill Juney 2, one day after leaving our bed. He came home twice after that. I knew by the first weekend, Oh he moved in with her on Fathers Day weekend. I went over, he denied. I surprized him when I went. He’d call me on a Friday saying he was on his way home and never show up. Phone shut off. When I went over there we got a hotel. He was in the shower and after denying everything I still didn’t belive him. I checked his voice mails and she was all lovey dovey in the first and the second she’d found out his wife was there and she was mad. Howeer, that didn’t stop her. For 7 mths this went on. I would not divorce him utnil I could get that truck home so it could be sold. She texted my daughter and I with threats of violence, she taunted us on and on and on. He didn’t pay one bill for this house for 5 mths. WE almost lost the house and everything. He took her to Reno every weekend, took time off for her when at home he woroked on teh the truck all weekend. He bought her new washer/dryer on and on while I was standing in the food bank line. She is sheer evil. Then he came home. And looked like death. He was a total drunk, began drinking heavier than I’d ever seen him after 10 yrs sober. He never cut his hair or shave his beard. He was deathly ill. He couldn’t face himself in the mirror to cut his ahir. He left major bills all over and didn’t even pay them. I didn’t know this man. Oh and she left voice mail after voice mail on his phone thinking he’d be back as I’m sure this is what he told her. He was coming home to get his stuff and he’d be back, but he packed everything up from her house. (she was a drunk/druggie) The first v/m on his phone said she knew once he got back here he’d stay. Then on and on and on. He’d been lieying to her too. Telling her we weren’t together I was a crack whore on and on…Well four days after he got home he ended up being life flighted to a major hospital where we went thru hell. He had a staph on a bone from a surgery six yrs prior, it had literally totally eroded a major artery and he was bleeding to death. He had no chance of living and the Dr’s told me he’d be dead before the hour was up. But over 200 bags of blood, five surgeries, having his heart massaged four times, 11 weeks in a coma, he lived. And come to find out the infection was all thru his body and in his brain cells. Had he of not gotten ill I’d of divorced him. He’d of lost everything. And she’d of left him too as he’d of not had any money. But I got faced with the reality of life without him. I love him and we are healing. It’s a long long process, but we’re doing it. She however taunted me for a long time. He finally answered the phone when she called and said he’s sober and all she was to him was a drunken mistake. They rarely even had sex as he was too drunk. So there are times I am so mad I could spit. But I chose to forgive him. She is just a skank and she knows it. I’m sure she’s picked up another man in the grocery store she works at. but she’s not worth my time to hate. The other woman never is a victim. she’s a low down whore looking for a meal ticket and has no conscience at all They think destroying lives if funny and they are the one that has to answer in the end

  37. Pam says:

    To me it says a lot about who you are when you offer an open mind to this difficult situation. I admire you for your willingness to try to work things out in your current marriage. Not sure how long I’d be willing to put up with someone who chooses to side-step difficult questions instead of answer the questions directly and honestly. You have Dr Phil for advice and I would trust him during this time in your life. Best wishes to you and your family.

  38. Suzanne says:

    Monday’s show is my story, just different faces. I watch Dr. Phil often, but divine intervention must have made me watch Monday. My husband admitted to “helping” an old girlfriend through some tough times. She was a drug addict and he says that he was too at the time and that’s what made him seek her out to “help” her so often. He said they were doing drugs together. Since I don’t have this experience, I can’t understand the drug use part of it. He is also, I think, an alcoholic and continues to be. A criminal investigation involving the other woman brought it all out in the open, yet since it wasn’t the focus of the investigation, they did not care whether my husband actually slept with this woman or not. He has sworn since that day, that he did not sleep with her. I realize that he has at least had an emotional affair and maybe whether he actually slept with her or not shouldn’t matter, but it does to me. If he made the conscious decision to break our marriage vows, that is a huge deal to me. Although sometimes gullible, I consider myself a fairly eduacated person and logically it does not make sense to me that he “helped” her all those times, even stayed at her apartment one night, and did not have sex with her. Am I an idiot? We have two beautiful children whom he is a great father to and I’ve definitely stayed for them so far. Like the guest on the show, my husband continues to tell me he never had sex with the other woman. I don’t understand how someone can continue to lie when it’s so obvious that he is lying. It seems obvious to me that the guest on the show is lying, but with my own situation, I’m not as objective. Also, I’m scared to death of what will happen if he tells me he did sleep with her. I don’t know the decision that I’ll make. Like the wife on the show, I am absolutely stuck. I have no trust in him, and therefore cannot give him my heart. I’m trying not to move backward, but I don’t feel I can make even one step forward at this point. We could have spent the last year recovering from the affair, but instead, I’m left here feeling like he’s been lying to me the whole time.

  39. Tandy Marks says:

    Dear Dr. Phil,

    I have been married for 19 years and have two children. I always believed my husband was faithful until 2 years ago when I found out he has had several affairs and had been frequenting strip clubs. I was completely devastated and was in pure agony for about 9 months. He took full responsibility for his actions and says he is a changed man. Forgiving him and remaining with him has been the hardest thing I have ever done. We are trying to rebuild our relationship and I think we are going to make it if it keeps going well. I love him despite his actions. I wonder sometimes if I am still being played, but I am still trying to make our marriage work. Thanks for addressing this issue. I hope people will consider the feelings of their partner before they make such a selfish decision.

  40. Rebecca says:

    Ok, I am the “other woman” too. I have been cheated on by two husbands and my third is like a child. I feel bad, but I long for the man I “truly love”. I know he will never leave his wife for me, (I would) but he has too much invested. I have nothing, but huge bills to pay. Mine is a long story and you say the other woman is wrong, but I say, most men cheat. Like someone else said, it is in their nature. My “man” is a good husband and father and I told him NEVER to leave that, but if I can see him ONCE in a WHILE, I am happy. Then I feel like a woman, not someone to report to and not have a life, ever! Besides, mine is a huge, long, story and I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested anyhow!

  41. Margaret says:

    As I read down the list of the reasons ” why” men/woman cheat on each other, it made me wonder; why don’t people really find out who ” they are” before rushing in to a marriage?
    Let’s look at it in a different way. If a married woman is cheating with a married man, what is she looking for and what is he looking for. Like what isn’t getting solved in each of their marriages?
    Why, not look into going for therapy first to find out why one marries a loser? It’s called ” self esteem”.
    Several years ago, a young couple I know very well, were hurting, because the husband was out with escorts and she found out.She came to me crying and strated talking to me and I suggested going to mariage counseling to work out their problems.They both went and the first thing the MC said to the husband..so you like BIMBO’S? The MC kept berating the husband before the husband had a chance to speak. Needless to say the wife was really happy with what the MC said and used the same words after the meeting . throwing the word BIMBO’S like darts at her husband.
    Well, the husband told her…call the woman I went out with names but at least I was listened too. How sad is that?
    What did their problem come down too..well, he worked long hours and she complained about the big house they lived in and he’s always working. She NEVER complained about money because she took charge of that and would give her husband a weekly allowance. Hmmm? The plot thickens, they couldn’t seem to work out their cultural differences. she is Polynesian and he’s an American.
    I explained to her..Americans are raised to be industrious, to work hard, to provide for their families. Where as you weren’t and want a small house and a lot of company to party. The only big expense she could see spending money on was clothing, which she had several closets full.
    I had been to one of their parties, it was all catered and most of the people were Polyesian. I overheard one of the men say..this is a great party house, plenty of room for us to sleep over for the weekend.
    A week later I was talikng to the wife and mentioned to her how grand the party was and that if her husband didn’t work so hard for the family she wouldn’t be able to have such parties. Well, her reply was, parties are a part of my culture and if we didn’t have a big house or money for food, my people would bring food and we would still have a good time.
    I see a big misunderstanding culture wise between this couple and they still after 16 yrs not worked this out.
    Several weeks after being told they no longer were going for counseling, the husband told me why he was out with Escorts. His remark..I work very hard for my family, have never cheated on her and believe me, in my business woman hit on me all the time; I just show them my wedding band and say ” not thanks”!
    He was nearly in tears as he continued telling me the ” why”, that being, he can’t talk civil with his wife because she starts screaming, instead of just talking. This turns him off and he walks away. Hmm, she wins! He went on to say, ” all I want is to be appreciated”, she could try and be kind and tell me she appreciates how hard I’m working. She does have a lot of company over on weekends when I’m working and at times I come home and just want to rest but there’s people there.
    I’m not shown any respect by my wife and if I was looking for a serious relationship would not have paid for an Escort !
    If only this couple knew each other better before they married and knew what they wanted of a mate, this tragic couple may have found happiness with one more suited for each other.

  42. scared says:

    after only three years of dating i caught my boyfriend with numbers for gals and messages trying to start up relationships with them and he said nothing happened.i am so grateful i read this blog coz i was actually considering a future with him.this blog has really saved my life and future and i am so happy and relieved.im not waisting another minute with this guy he is exactly that a cheat and i have been so blinded thinking the number of years u have been with someone determines how happy and strong ur relationship will be.i am 25 and ready to live again.and most importantly i am going to wait for that man from God

  43. CrazyLady says:

    I have been with my husband for 10 yrs married 5 on the 31st of this month actually. And last year actually now that I think about it it’s been one year exactly almost(CRAZY) that my husband confessed to cheating on me. Now this wasn’t a real guilty confession but one I tricked him into I guess, we were drinking tequila..my choice lol he hates tequila(now I know why) so anyway and I basically tapped into his competitive side and said soemthing along the lines of you couldn’t do that(have an open relationship or something i was talking about I can’t remember I was a bit tipsy) and he said he did already blah blah blah, ALL I got to say is he owes his life to that tequila, he was sooo lucky that I was in a good feling good mood or else it might have been murder then, but regardless it still hurt like hell. I went into a deep depression. That didn’t last long though as I have young children to attend to, I was still depressed but functionable, wow it was the most traumatizing thing I had gone through. The most messed up thing was that I already had expereinced this before; he had cheated on me before!! About 4 yrs before that, yeah believe it? That was hard because he does on call work at nights I had no frigging clue I was 6-7 months pregnant with our second child at the time, and he left see ya I love you bye….8pm….I fell asleep and woke up at 11pm, now I starting creating scenerios in my head 3 hours to fix a clogged tiolet?? no way. I thought worse like he was dead in a ditch or car accident, so then it’s getting later and later, I called oh boy did I, no answer. Then I called the number who called him for the clogged toilet, no answer, I was sooo worried, it was coming on 4 am when I prayed so hard I have never prayed that hard before, and I asked God to bring him home I DO NOT CARE if he is cheating just bring him home safe..and I Swear as those words left my mouth he walked through the door, it was a miricle I felt, and a promise I had to keep for asking for his safe return. I almost HAD to forgive him it was crazy how I felt. And now it’s been a year since findign out he did this again. LOl I am now pregnant with our 3rd. Now you might understand why I picked Crazy LAdy as my name.
    Anyway I have forgivin him, as he is great in every other department of his life except for sex and being a faithful to me/lieing. But I did tell him this is it, I cannot handle anymore pain of this magnitude from him. I still struggle with trust issues but feel my soul has been liberated from forgiving him, a not so easy feet for anyone I might say. I do feel he is different this time. I know how stupid that sounds also lol and I don’t want to be stupid, but I am also different this time. It is the most hard work you will do along side raising children. Keeping a marriage fulfiiled with positive is a challenge. Pray for us.

  44. teresa says:

    I have been reading all the posting on cheating and boy has it opened my eyes to the sad truth of what is going on with marriage. How sad that this committment has become such a joke with some people. I take this very seriously and sadley I am in a marriage with person who does not. My dear husband is not transparent at all, in fact, he is always secretive with many things. He is in the technology field and is constantly using what every gadget he can get his hands on to be deceptive. Things he can use to contact with women and gadgets he can use to follow my technology movements to see if I am checking up on him. This man is starting to scare me, what a liar he can be. He has never admitted to any lies and probably never will. He will look you into you eyes and continue to lie even if he gets caught. He did admit to seeing another women while we were seperated but did not consider it cheating though truth be told he was the one that asked for the seperation in order to pursue this women though he never told me. Oh and he ended coming back into the marriage only after he was dumped by the women he was trying to pursue. I would love to see a marriage counselor to get help with out marriage but unfortunetly he does not really want to see a counselor. I think he feels he gets his advice from a friend he has that is actually a counselor. Oh this friend was actually an ex girlfriend who actually is a licensed social worker. Well between the two of them they talk about all the problems that is going on in our marriage. She gives him advice while also openly flirting with him. They both flirt with each other. They both contact each other even though I have asked my husband to stop. I even talked to this so called counselor friend of my husband and explained how I felt of them talking and asked her to stop and respect the marriage. She went on to tell me that they have contacting each other for years and as long as my husband contacts her she will continue to talk to him. My husband said he has not cheated with this counselor woman but did admit that he has invited her to go out and she sent him via his phone a picture of her breast. When I confronted this counselor women of this she said it was my husband who pursued her and sent me emails that my husband has sent her. When I read the emails they both were openly being inappropriate at times. My husband openly flirts with women and when I confront him about it, he tells me that I am way too jealous and these women are only friends though when I am around these women never talk to him in front of me. Funny they usually just sit in a distance constantly looking at him like with a puzzled look. I have asked him what that is all about and he denies it all, just like he denies his so called friendship with this counselor friend he keeps contacting. I am currently seperated from my husband and really contemplating in ending this relationship. His constant lies and the fact that he has no heart to ever tells the truth is starting to worry me. Can this man actually be that heartless and has no guilt. This scares me of what he is actually capable of and wondering if it is safe to have him near my kids or me. A person with no conscience or heart is not healthy at all.

  45. Roger says:

    I was married for about 18 months. We separated recently because she caught me in a lie. She accused me of being in an emotional affair. She told me once that I “talked like a liar,” I was holding back, hiding things from her, she was suspicious of my activities. i finally decided that I didnt want to lie to her any more, i would be an open book, transparent, and answer any question with the truth, no matter how hurtful. I finally confessed to her that I had cheated on my previous wife and provided her with any detail she asked for. I confessed to her that after we had separated I had sex with two other woman. And i confessed to her that I viewed internet pornography at home. I have adopted the attitude that if it steps on her feelings or bothers her, then it needs to stop… immediately, no matter how inocent i think it is. From being on facebook, registering on eharmony after our separation, having other womens phone numbers on my cell phone. etc. i gave her access to my email account. i do not delete phone records off my phone. now the issue that we are having is my viewing of pornograghy and my having sex with the other women. she says i need to get professional help. if that is what shes asking, then i want to do it. i have struggled with pornograghy since i was 8 or 10. i always felt it was wrong but could not overcome it. as i got older i just didnt care enough to want to fix it, and chose to ignore it. but now, i am faced with the reality of losing someone who has given me the kind of love that i have always wanted and needed. i need to strip myself down layer by layer and become the husband she needs. if you producers are reading this, please know that i am willing to be on the show. i would however ask that out of respect to my wifes privacy my identity be kept secret. if you have any advice on whom i should seek for professional help i would be greatly in your debt. — thank you

  46. Mary says:

    Cheating isn’t right or fair to any of the parties involved. I think that when a man or woman cheats that they do have their own reasons for it, but I haven’t figured out what they were in any of my involvements. I used to be naive and thought that when some man was married that they would be faithful and not try to pursue me or anyone else, and that marriage was solid and definite. There was one man in my life that was married for about 25 years and I felt so safe around him compared to some others in my life until one day and now I know that marriage doesn’t protect anyone, and I don’t know what does. I thought that when I was married I was safe, but no. I can not change these men, I can only change myself and how much I choose to be around these men, how I choose to dress, act,. my marriage didn’t work out, but I do not want to be the go to girl for when married men have issues in their lives. I do not trust being married anymore, and that doesn’t have anything to do with the man that I was married to, just all the men that are married and think they can have me as another woman on the side! Just expecting things like that from me makes me feel so low and unworthy,..

  47. a g says:

    the problem is, there is no one model fo marriage. people have officially and unofficially had their own “arrangements” for time imemorium. yet we pretend that the “till death due us part business,” is a perfect one size fits all template for all,or all americans at least. this is crazy! a lot of unnecessry suffering is caused by this. there are loose ended semi-open “marriages” in europe,and people don’t go bloody mercenary as we do here, when things don’t work. men and women in america have this morbid ownership complex around relationships. when it does not work,and why should we surprized that so often it doesn’t, with this insane spousal ownership society, that men and women here live in. we have comodified our relationships,under the guise of a fantasy of “happily ever after”. man are we infantile………..

  48. Margaret Macdonald says:

    I am devestated. Yesterday was my 60th birthday and a day that I was looking forward to. Two days before my birthday an employee of my husband to me that he was cheating and that the whole staff was aware of this fact. The rumours started flying about 14 years ago. At that point I wondered, if this was true, if it was true what I had done wrong and what I could do differently. Now, I don’t understand why he didn’t tell the truth and let us all move forward. I say all because I know our 4 grown children will have trouble coming to terms with this.

  49. Frank says:

    Hello Dr. Phil,
    I’m a young African male of 40 and have been married for 8 years and running though I’ve been dating my wife since 1998. I would need your help as an expert she would believe in her recommendations.
    Our intimate life is becoming a great concern for me because she only gets excited to have me after her period or when I come back home from my various business trips. I try to cut most of my trips so that I can spend time with the family and our three amazing boys (6+;5;2+).
    I have tried the following, oral sex, various styles, venue and positioning, verbal courting, shopping – some extravagantly, winning out and dinning for food, contemplated a third female partner since it is said against my believe that every woman has a bit of lesbianism in her. I have also created a sense of comfort for us to discuss these concerns in a healthy manner but I seem to become more clueless as to what turns my wife on. To worsen my willingness to help her improve, I tolerated having her date a guy she worked with before the year of our marriage but it hasn’t improved.
    I don’t want to resort to dating other women while married though the temptation is there for an educated, hard working company executive like myself. I love my wife, my family and my marriage and will like to make it better for I am convinced beyond reasonable doubt it is where I am my best.
    One strange challenge is that she has always been like this, I kept believing she was going to get better with time and probably after we got married and as we age through it, it has remained stagnant and probably taken a few nose dives. I love passionate adventurous intimacy when my partner is having a great time and I know this because I’ve at some point in my life been with other females and understand how I am wired sexually. I am also convinced that the stress of raising a family and nurturing the kids and her husband is not the reason for our concern though it may contribute but my conclusion is that, since a sexual turn-on ignites with end of her period or my absence from home then, family and the kids may not be sufficient excuse because I have a super woman and mother for a wife.
    She’s never had a proper wedding nor honeymoon, met me when I’d recently lost my father while in my final year in medical school, suffered with me when after five years of tele dating, she was able to join me here in the US, gave up her career to support me achieve my dreams of providing for our young family all the great things we weren’t privileged to have as kids. I have also dated other females prior to my marriage and while we were dating – there isn’t another woman better understanding and supportive like my wife, I would like you to please help me identify the problem, the way forward and how best to give my wife, the wedding of her dreams and how she can get more sexually intone with me so that I don’t loose my sexual urge and fantasies or my marriage. I only want to feel more wanted by her sexually. Strangely, she enjoys it well when I’m able to bulldoze my way into her I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT PROCESS. If other women still desire me though I have not caved in yet, I believe I can help better fulfill my wife by cutting down the I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT PROCESS
    If it will serve the greater cause, I’like not an anonymous assistance on this problem which is now a project. I will not want to appear on the show which happen to be one of my favorites along with CSI Miami.
    I am ready to make changes where needed or where I’m faulted and to improve my efforts where needed.

  50. cathy says:

    I am a 40 yr-old married mother of 2 children. I have fought hard to keep my marriage together since finding out about at least 2 episodes of infidelity on my husband’s part. I have grown a lot emotionally since the second episode 4 yrs ago and know now that this is HIS problem not mine. The problem is I now strongly suspect that he is again being unfaithful, and I am faced with the same devastating choice. I made my own choice when I married this man. My children had no choice in being born into a dysfunctional marriage. Now I must choose-do I continue to turn a blind eye and not break up my children’s family or do I learn how to be a single mother at this age and go through a messy divorce. He will always be in my life-either as an angry ex-husband or as a cheating husband.

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