Comments on: And Now, the Other Woman

By: Juliet Peters

Juliet Peters — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:08:31 +0000

This is interesting debate so I’m weighing in because I have changed my opinion on this now I am older (51). There are different types of love and sometimes one person isn’t both. Now obviously when one is young and in a new relationship that sex is an important part of the relationship and if one’s partner had an affair it would be a sign that the relationship was no longer working. But I don’t feel that having an affair is abad thing now (and I’ve never had an affair). That doesn’t mean I absolutely wouldn’t either. Nor would I mind if my partner had an affair. That is because I am so comfortable and in love in my relationship. I like that I am so relaxed that I do not make an effort with my appearance (other then when we go out). Because we love each other’s soul. We are comfortable and happy in sharing our lives. However the downside (and its not such a bad downside really) is that sex isn’t what it used to be. We have grown in one type of love and the other type of love has disintegrated. You see I don’t think one should make an effort for sex so I don’t agree with you Dr Phil that both parties should nurture the garden to keep it health and discard the other tracksuit. I love the fact that I don’t have to discard comfort. I think the strength in our relationship is that we our completely comfortable in our old tracksuits (not literally) and that nothing I say, do, wear will alter how comfortable we are and how much we love each other in a warm, happy to be with each other, way. But I don’t feel sexy with him and that is thre tradeoff and I happily accept that tradeoff because comfort is so important to me. It is strange that I think this but I would be happy if he had an affair because it would mean I could even if that meant a risk that that love affair could end ours. But I also wonder if that affair would be better if it remained an affair and they didn’t actually live with each other that could kill the pation. I think great sex can come from outside the relationship and I understand how good that could be where there was love and respect for that lover. And I wouldn’t feel insulted in any way. Because his ultimate happiness is what I want more than anything and maybe true love is just that. I can’t give him everything and I like the fact that I don’t own him and that we share a life that is happy but I don’t mind in the least if I am not the only women in his life if it brings happiness to him. And there really isn’t anything that would improve our sex life and to me trying to improve something is so unsexy. My husband is the most wonderful person in the world but not the sexiest man in the world. Would I have an affair if I met the sexiest man in the world. Yes. If there was love there too. I doubt I would want to live with that person because the excitement would not be the same living with that person. Yes its a bit unreal but sex is a bit shallow, a bit fantasy. But so good. I can get passed that what you do may hurt someone else. Probably best to keep it secret. Its not a conversation that is going to be easy. If my partner had a secret life – good for him. I don’t own him. I love an independent person. I would not be insulted that he chose to have sex outside the marriage. If it made him happy. And I don’t have any pretence that I can fulfulll all his needs in his life. I’d take the risk he would stay with me despite an affair and same viceversa. But I have learned they are different types of love and some people never really reach the highest feelings of either. If my partner, or myself, can find both great. I’d take the risk of the consequences of that affair and bet that our love would be just as strong, even stronger. Because being happy and fulfilled makes you able to give even more to those you love. Weird I should think this but I do. You can love 2 people in your life for different reasons. It is possible. And it could be very beautiful and fulfulling. If one can get past that you are partners in life and being fulfilled makes that partnership all the stronger. I agree it could be done in a distasteful way but it could also happen when its no-one fault and there should be no blame. That the solution maybe to accept that you have fallen in love with 2 people for different reasons and denying it has happened isn’t the best solution if it makes you unhappy. If it doesn’t effect the love you have for your husband it is absolutely fine. Sex is only one part of a relationship and spending one’s life with a person doesn’t mean that that relationship will fulfull what you need and want. It sounds a little selfish but I don’t think it is. If you’re not fulfilled in love in your relationship that isn’t an insult at all just life, just the fantasy isn’t there anymore and that is a good thing because you have a real relationship. That doesn’t mean a fantasy love wouldn’t be really good for someone. I can’t work at having sex with someone where that part of the relationship just isn’t there.

By: Lani

Lani — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 04:22:59 +0000

Dr. Phil;
I have been married almost 15 years and I don’t believe that my husband has ever cheated on me, but there is one time that I’m not sure about when we were separated for about a month. A woman e-mail my mother in law and said that she received an e-mail from this woman stating that she was my husbands new girlfriend. When I confronted my husband and asked him if he cheated on me with he denied it and said that he had some sort of fixation on him and had stolen his address book which had his mothers e-mail address. I had to choose to trust him to continue in the relationship and to move forward, but it always nags me in the back of my mind. about seven years later and our relationship is almost sexless…when he’s not at work he grumpy and sometimes verbally abusive. He never tells me that I am pretty, sexy, desirable, etc. Recently I had a service man at my house after my hot water heater busted. He was in around mid thirties and I am early 50’s though I am told I look younger. He told how beautiful I was, sexy, and he would treat me like a queen. I soaked the words up like a dry sponge. He wanted me to cheat with him and he was married too! Because of his wonderful words I was sooo tempted, but I didn’t not want to ruin my marriage. I still love my husband but I feel like a wilting flower. I have sexual needs (that he rarely meets) and emotional needs that he never meets. I try to communicate my needs but it does no good. I have never been the other woman and I don’t want to be, however I feel so vulnerable. I don’t know what to do. Lani

By: Cher

Cher — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 13:10:37 +0000

I have been married 41 years and up until about 2 years ago there was not a problem – at least 1 that I knew of. He travelled for business many years and I never mistrusted him. He would havetemper trantrums at times for when I would say something that he didn’t like. He would never apologize of even acknowledge what he did. He would walk out & go to a bar, stay in another room, etc. This could go on for months until I would finally start to speak to him.

About 2 years ago he told me he was not sure he wanted to stay married. By that time he had completely shut me out the only conversation we would have is what I initiated.

I found multliple phone calls to her. When I talked to him about what I’d found he said they’re just friends and he just called her back. He told me to block her # from his phone so I did. Then I noticed calls to her from Skype that he initiated again – they’re just friends. The phone calls stopped because I was watching the billing. Next – he would tell me he was 1 place and actually he was with her – I told him what I knew and he denied everything. I now have found emails back & forth from them indicating that they’re meeting and being intimate.

He has changed his email passwords so I cant get into them to see what is happening. This leads me to believe he’s still hiding something. How do I save my marriage and reconnect with him. If I ask him for the passwords I’m afraid he will get mad and turn to her even more. I did email her & tell her I know what is going on and to stay away from my husband of course she denied it too – they’re just friends according to her – not true based on the emails that I have.

This is making me sick – I picked up the relationship rescue book and am trying to follow it but he is clearly not interested. I told him I will never stop trying – he now says he loves me and is not going anywhere but until he admits what has gone on I just do not believe or trust him.

How do I get him to acknowlege what I know is true and have him want to reconnect with me.

By: An Other Woman

An Other Woman — Wed, 25 May 2011 18:17:48 +0000

Dr. Phil, I went back and found this topic and I thought it was so interesting. I am married, and have been the other woman to two men during my marriage.

Many things were said in this show, but there was one point in particular that I want to clarify: what Sarah said about the affair actually helping the marriage. I know what she means, I have experienced this both as the cheating spouse and the other woman.

The benefit is not, in my opinion, that needs are being met elsewhere so the cheating spouse is more accomodating in the marriage. While that might be true short-term, long-term this allows the spouse to “escape” the issues in the marriage, not deal with them.

Understanding the benefit starts with understanding that long-term affairs, like other long-term relationships, include a mix of romance and friendship. A trusted friend can provide real benefits to someone that is struggling in their marriage. The friend provides a safe place to talk things out, and a fresh perspective. A friend of the opposite sex can help you understand your spouse’s perspective better. My first lover and I called this part of our relationship “girlfriend mode.” We set the fact that we were lovers aside, and discussed our lives as close friends. I always walked away from those conversations understanding myself and my marriage a little better, having a better appreciation for where my husband was coming from, and with something new to try or discuss at home as we were working through our marital issues. He expressed to me that he received similar help from hearing my perspective.

Does this mean that the net effect of an affair is positive? Absolutely not. Obviously it would be better to have that sounding board, or outside perspective, in a friendship that didn’t carry with it the damaging effects of an affair. But I hope that this clarifies a bit of what was being said, because I know it sounded nuts at first pass.

By: Connie Clawson

Connie Clawson — Tue, 03 May 2011 22:07:50 +0000

Dr. Phil, I have been dating a guy for two years that left his wife in Feb.2009 and was divorced a year later. He have told me about the 28 years of his marriage many things that I just can’t let go. He states that he dated his wife for three years before he married but after they married, she completely changed. He says he was berated and harrassed verbably and that she was insanely jealous and also that she started denying him sex and affection. He says that he talked to preachers, councelors and for years tried to please her and make the marriage work. Two children were born during those years. He also states that after he prayed over and over that God would change him or Cindy but that never happened. He says that for the last 10 to 15 years of his marriage he started meeting his needs for attention and sex outside of the marriage..mostly with married women like on your show. It is hard for me to accept that he feels that he deserved and was entitled to the affairs he had with those women and there were many…he did say that he got to know a woman before he had the affair with her and that he did not let “feelings” become involved since he was not going to leave his wife and those women were really “not his”. It is ironic that he finally did leave his wife, after the children were young adults, because he found her cheating on him (with another woman). He also had a fling at the insistence of his brother with his brother’s wife (a threesome) for a couple months just after leaving Cindy (his wife). As far as I know he says he loves me and has not given me any indication that he is unfaithful to our relationship but I worry and am so concerned about the past behavior that I find it hard to trust and it really makes me sick to think of all he has done. Sometimes I wish I just did not know and he had not confessed all the dirty secrets in his past. He was married another time very early in his life and says that he did not cheat on his first wife (3 years) but that she cheated on him during the entire marriage he found out later, even with his brother. I need your advice and opinion…I love him but find this all hard to accept…What is your advice? Oh yes, the brother has since left his wife hoping that his lover (who is married and still living with her husband) would leave her husband and live with him…that affair has lasted for 6+ years. I am a widow and my deceased husband was such a saint compaired to all of this. Do you think that this relationship has a chance? Connie

By: Is My Husband Cheating?: Does It Matter? | An Open Relationship

Is My Husband Cheating?: Does It Matter? | An Open Relationship — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 00:26:57 +0000

[...] this response to a Dr Phil blog made me chuckle, the core of her point has the solution dead to rights. What she is pointing out is [...]

By: cathy

cathy — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 01:42:02 +0000

I am a 40 yr-old married mother of 2 children. I have fought hard to keep my marriage together since finding out about at least 2 episodes of infidelity on my husband’s part. I have grown a lot emotionally since the second episode 4 yrs ago and know now that this is HIS problem not mine. The problem is I now strongly suspect that he is again being unfaithful, and I am faced with the same devastating choice. I made my own choice when I married this man. My children had no choice in being born into a dysfunctional marriage. Now I must choose-do I continue to turn a blind eye and not break up my children’s family or do I learn how to be a single mother at this age and go through a messy divorce. He will always be in my life-either as an angry ex-husband or as a cheating husband.

By: Frank

Frank — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 13:11:32 +0000

Hello Dr. Phil,
I’m a young African male of 40 and have been married for 8 years and running though I’ve been dating my wife since 1998. I would need your help as an expert she would believe in her recommendations.
Our intimate life is becoming a great concern for me because she only gets excited to have me after her period or when I come back home from my various business trips. I try to cut most of my trips so that I can spend time with the family and our three amazing boys (6+;5;2+).
I have tried the following, oral sex, various styles, venue and positioning, verbal courting, shopping – some extravagantly, winning out and dinning for food, contemplated a third female partner since it is said against my believe that every woman has a bit of lesbianism in her. I have also created a sense of comfort for us to discuss these concerns in a healthy manner but I seem to become more clueless as to what turns my wife on. To worsen my willingness to help her improve, I tolerated having her date a guy she worked with before the year of our marriage but it hasn’t improved.
I don’t want to resort to dating other women while married though the temptation is there for an educated, hard working company executive like myself. I love my wife, my family and my marriage and will like to make it better for I am convinced beyond reasonable doubt it is where I am my best.
One strange challenge is that she has always been like this, I kept believing she was going to get better with time and probably after we got married and as we age through it, it has remained stagnant and probably taken a few nose dives. I love passionate adventurous intimacy when my partner is having a great time and I know this because I’ve at some point in my life been with other females and understand how I am wired sexually. I am also convinced that the stress of raising a family and nurturing the kids and her husband is not the reason for our concern though it may contribute but my conclusion is that, since a sexual turn-on ignites with end of her period or my absence from home then, family and the kids may not be sufficient excuse because I have a super woman and mother for a wife.
She’s never had a proper wedding nor honeymoon, met me when I’d recently lost my father while in my final year in medical school, suffered with me when after five years of tele dating, she was able to join me here in the US, gave up her career to support me achieve my dreams of providing for our young family all the great things we weren’t privileged to have as kids. I have also dated other females prior to my marriage and while we were dating – there isn’t another woman better understanding and supportive like my wife, I would like you to please help me identify the problem, the way forward and how best to give my wife, the wedding of her dreams and how she can get more sexually intone with me so that I don’t loose my sexual urge and fantasies or my marriage. I only want to feel more wanted by her sexually. Strangely, she enjoys it well when I’m able to bulldoze my way into her I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT PROCESS. If other women still desire me though I have not caved in yet, I believe I can help better fulfill my wife by cutting down the I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT PROCESS
If it will serve the greater cause, I’like not an anonymous assistance on this problem which is now a project. I will not want to appear on the show which happen to be one of my favorites along with CSI Miami.
I am ready to make changes where needed or where I’m faulted and to improve my efforts where needed.

By: Margaret Macdonald

Margaret Macdonald — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 15:45:58 +0000

I am devestated. Yesterday was my 60th birthday and a day that I was looking forward to. Two days before my birthday an employee of my husband to me that he was cheating and that the whole staff was aware of this fact. The rumours started flying about 14 years ago. At that point I wondered, if this was true, if it was true what I had done wrong and what I could do differently. Now, I don’t understand why he didn’t tell the truth and let us all move forward. I say all because I know our 4 grown children will have trouble coming to terms with this.

By: a g

a g — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 02:31:05 +0000

the problem is, there is no one model fo marriage. people have officially and unofficially had their own “arrangements” for time imemorium. yet we pretend that the “till death due us part business,” is a perfect one size fits all template for all,or all americans at least. this is crazy! a lot of unnecessry suffering is caused by this. there are loose ended semi-open “marriages” in europe,and people don’t go bloody mercenary as we do here, when things don’t work. men and women in america have this morbid ownership complex around relationships. when it does not work,and why should we surprized that so often it doesn’t, with this insane spousal ownership society, that men and women here live in. we have comodified our relationships,under the guise of a fantasy of “happily ever after”. man are we infantile………..