Supportive Parent or Pushy Parent?
We had a really interesting response to our show about parents who seem to be way over-involved in their kids’ goals and dreams, and who sometimes push their kids toward something that they may want a lot more than their kids do. Several of you wrote to ask how Robin and I raised our sons. How much did we push them to succeed when they were younger? And when did we pull back and say, “It’s time to let them make their own way”?
It’s tough to know where the line is, even when you spend your whole life in the world of human functioning. Seems you lose a little — actually a lot — of objectivity when it is your relationship with your own kids that you are assessing and managing! As parents, we all want to teach our children to be responsible, yet we also want them to be self-motivated. It really bugs me when I see parents pushing their kids toward their wants and living vicariously through them. It is sad for both parent and child. I’ll give Robin and me credit and say that I think we actually did dodge those bullets.
Our rule was always: If you start, then you finish. It was up to the boys if they wanted to play baseball, do martial arts, sign up for a series of piano lessons or join a club. But if they signed up for a season or a class, they had to finish it. If they didn’t want to go for a second round, that was up to them. What’s more, they were taught that what they were getting to do was a privilege, and they only got to do that activity if they maintained good grades and good overall conduct.
For some reason, I have always had a lot of drive and ambition, maybe too much! (Robin made me put that last bit in.) And, I admit, there were times while raising Jay and Jordan when I would look at one of them and think, ‘Come on, kid. Get some fire in your belly!’ Still, while we were always there to encourage our kids to be successful, we left it up to them to make their own choices. Robin and I didn’t push Jay and Jordan into doing any particular activity just because it interested one of us. In fact, we went the other way. Our attitude was to expose them to a variety of activities, and then step back and see which one, if any, interested them.
I think the strategy was a reaction to my own childhood. My dad, for a variety of reasons, never once took me hunting, fishing or camping. Nor did he expose me to such things as the arts. These activities simply weren’t things that interested him. He wasn’t interested, so I wasn’t exposed.
Because of that experience, or lack thereof, I consciously decided to get out of my comfort zone and offer a broader selection to my boys. For me, it made more sense to introduce them to a smorgasbord of activities and then let them choose. Why should I let my particular life experiences, or non-experiences, become their legacy? Why should I force them to excel in just one single activity because it’s something that interests me?
And so, although I had no musical skills or experiences, I made sure they had opportunities to see if they liked piano, guitar or singing. I also made sure they were exposed to hunting, fishing and camping. Hey, it wasn’t easy! I went and bought a tent, and it took me hours (a lot of hours) to get it set up. I learned the hard way to put the tent up on really flat ground, because we ended up getting in our sleeping bags and promptly rolling down a hill. (Hey, it looked flat when we walked up!)
And that wasn’t all. Robin and I took them to everything from museums to car races. We let them see opera, Shakespearian plays and all kinds of team sports. Although I did steer them away from certain things that I thought were just too dangerous — like motorcycle riding. I had cheated death too many times growing up on a motorcycle that was ridden in traffic! But I did let them try adventure sports, such as scuba diving.
It did seem that because Jay and Jordan knew they had to earn the privilege of playing a sport or participating in some extracurricular activity, they definitely valued it more. They knew they had worked to get the privilege, so they felt like they better enjoy it, or all that work would not have been worth it.
Anyway, looking back, it’s interesting to see what stuck and what didn’t. While I never held a fishing pole until well into my twenties, Jay developed a huge love for fishing, and while I never owned a musical instrument, Jordan developed a huge love for music, especially performing and songwriting.
Interestingly, the one great passion of mine that I exposed them to — tennis — didn’t interest either of them in the slightest. But that is just fine. It’s their life and their choice, not mine. I have watched far too many stage mothers push their unhappy daughters to be beauty queens, or cheerleaders or dance stars. I coached basketball for 14 years at the YMCA, and I watched too many dads standing in gymnasiums, screaming at their distraught kids to make a basket when the poor kid could barely hit the ground with the basketball, let alone get off a shot. The results were never good.
In any event, I guess our parenting philosophy has worked, at least so far, as both boys have found many passions that make them happy to get up every morning. As I write this, Jay is pheasant hunting in South Dakota with his father-in-law, and Jordan is in the studio recording the music he loves. I’ll take that outcome! I know I made a million mistakes along the way, as we all do, but they are happy. And isn’t that one of the big things in life — finding something to do that you love?
How about you? Do you think you have pushed your kids too much? Not enough? Do you have a different strategy than mine? I’d love to hear from you on this one!
Dr. Phil, you and Robin did a stellar job and so have your sons, Jay and Jordan. Jay and Jordan are going to be great parents and you and Robin will be great grandparents.
I don’t have children yet if I did I would hope my daughter would take martial arts like, Carole’s, a fellow Dr. Phil Website member’s daughter. I think your son, Jay, took martial arts too so if I’d had a son I would have wished the same. I read two of Jay’s books with a Dr. Phil Website member teen so I think Jay he took martial arts and shared some breathing exercises.
I hope that I would not consider meniscal tears minor as many parents do now since I have two from slipping on hay and tripping over pumpkins October 27, 2008.
Well, I hope if I’d had children I would have done as well as you and Robin. So Kudos to y’all.
Sincerely,
SEA
Recently, I worried that I was pushing my 7 year-old too hard on his homework. He wasn’t taking it seriously enough. Just last week, his report card came out and he made the Honor Roll for the very first time. Was it because of me or in spite of me? Who knows. But, I started easing up on him anyway. It wasn’t worth it. He had begun to dread doing homework with me. No more. It’s never too late to start over again.
I love the phil-osophy (sorry for the pun – couldn’t resist) of exposing your kids to a range of activities and interests. You and Robin did good! Both your boys are men with careers they clearly love and are good at. They have passion in their lives. They are in touch with what is within them that makes life worth living. It’s such an individual thing. I’m so glad you didn’t raise your kids as mere extensions of yourselves. That kind of attitude sells *everyone* short.
Good job!
Heh, guilty as charged.
My son hates soccer but we sign him up for it each year. Why? Because I played 15 years of soccer.
Next year, no soccer, he can play stoopid football and I’ll have panic attacks on the sidelines when they start to play tackle.
I feel validated by your comments on exposing your children to a variety of activities, making a rule that whatever they start they must finish out the season, year, level, whatever before quitting, and letting them quit with no guilty feelings if it’s just not for them.
That was exactly what I did with mine, except that I couldn’t afford to expose them to as many pursuits as I wanted.
What’s kind of funny is that my daughter, who is grown with her own children now, asked me a few years ago why I didn’t push her more in a particular activity.
She had auditioned for a film being shot in our state. She didn’t get the role, but she was on the short list, and so ended up being coached and auditioned and filmed for auditions for movies with some very big name actors. (At that time,they were all little kids like her.) There was a point where she was being considered for a series, and we were told that either the family would have to move to California, or one parent and our daughter. We took a huge gulp and asked her if she wanted to move to California if she got the part. She promptly broke into tears at the thought of having to split up the family for a while. She also said that, actually, she was tired of performing for all these strange adults and wanted to quit. She wanted to be in the Science Opympiad and play basketball with her friends. So that’s what we did.
Dr. Phil- My husband & I are very much like you & Robin. When my kids start something we make them finish what they started. My son did baseball this past summer. Toward the end of the season he didn’t want to do it anymore, but I made him finish. It wasn’t all about him. The team depend on each other. So hopfully he has learned a lesson on what team work really is.
I’ve always believed that healthy competition is favorable. I believe that if the child seems interested in anything from sports to theatre it should be supported by all family members; and that may require a bit of “pushiness” but not to the extent where the child starts to hate the activity and resent you, but just enough motivation that helps keep the child focused (like school work). I also believe that no matter what, BOTH parents (seperated or not) need to have the same parenting style for that child! Not one “bad, over-zealous, pushy” parent and the other “too lax, and non-disciplining” parent..both equal in their ideas for raising that child.
I have a 4.5 month old and the only thing I want him to know in life is that he is loved unconditionally. I felt extremely unloved growing up so that is my main goal as a parent. I don’t want him to ever question that his father and I will always be there for him and love him no matter what.
I think it is important to provide the necessary discipline and structure to encourage success in our children. When it comes to the necessities like learning to maintain your health (eating, weight, exercise, etc), do your homework, show up for work everyday when you have a part time job, save money, or maintain honesty and integrity in relationships, I think it is fine to have a solid, no nonsense structure with high expectations that does not allow my child to fail in these areas. No negotiable.
When it comes a child’s expression of their individuality and interests, then I think Dr. Phil is exactly right. As long as their is a passion for something productive, then allowing individual choice and providing parental emotional/financial support is the right thing to do. I might even let my child quit a new activity if I was convinced she had given enough effort and consideration to know for sure it was of no interest. Life is short….even for a kid!
Dr. Phil, I love your show. On this very topic I want to start off by saying My Mom and Dad divorced when I was six months old. My Dad gave up his parental rights and later when I was five years old my Mom sent me to my grandparents, Her parents to raise me. So I always wanted but never had my real parents to raise me. My grandparents always let me do whatever I wanted to do but never supported me while I was doing it. Me and a cousin of mine were raised by them and if we wanted something to eat like breakfast or dinner or any meal we had to make it ourselves. If we wanted to play sports or anything we had to find a way to do that ourselves. So now I am 32 years old and have two wonderful boys, Lance 12 yaers old and Bradley 18 months old. In the early years of Lance’s childhood I pushed him to play baseball and other sports. I was the sreaming dad in the bleachers when he did’nt play up to expectations, even in t-ball. Needless to say he was one of the best on the field as he got older but I still continued to screm at him when he srewed up and he grew to hate baseball and now hates it. I feel bad about it now but I never had anyone to show me how to be a parent. I am into drag racing and he wanted to give it a try a couple of years ago. So I spent the money and time to invest in him a Jr. Dragster which he raced and was and is very competitive and yes I was still the sreaming dad. I almost screwed that one up for him too but it is turning around and we are headed in the right direction with our (my) new attitude about racing and life in general. Alot has changed in my life and attitude in the past year of watching your show. He is now into football totally his choice and is doing very well at it. I don’t scream bad things anymore and evryone has took notice. I do screm sometimes but it is when he does good and I am screaming good things. Sometimes Lance has a real attitude now when he messes up and I am the one to blame for that. I just tell him it’s ok to mess up now and then and to try and do better next time, and he gives me strange looks now when I say these things that I should have been saying all along. It almost cost me my marrige and relationship with Lance, but I have since “grown up” and am now hoping I am becoming the good father that I never had. My wife has been overweight since her pregnancy with Lance and has been a problem with me until about a year ago and because of you I now love her for who she is, which is a loving mother and wife. It use to really bother me that she wasn’t the size she was when we met after her first pregnancy, but I am o.k. with it now. I can’t wait for Bradley’s journey in life. Thank you Dr. Phil, you have really helped and turned my life around and I think our future as the Hamilton family is bright instead of the dim past and I think it holds great things. Thank you, Brandon Hamilton.
All five kids I raised were exposed to what I was able to get them to which wasn’t much. We were very poor financially so many things they liked had to wait until they worked and had their own money . Other things they wanted to experience they had to wait to do as adults.But what I did do was spend time talking to them and teaching them about life. So as adults they all lead productive lives doing the things that interest them.
All the things that interest my kids interest me too though. Where myself never seemed to do anything well the kids excell. They were able to focus where I never could. I never pushed them in any direction but encouraged them to do what they wanted and finish what they started. Succeeding meant doing your best not necessarily making the highest grade.Best is different for everyone.
It sounds like and the result shows your boys had a good upbringing by Robin and you.They were very blessed to have loving involved parents. I know they in turn will be good parents to their own children and you will be good grandparents.
What do you do when a parent you know doesn’t lift their children up? That the “child” in question is actually a 23 year old man? A young man that graduated with honors from high school, attended college and received 65 credit hours and received a 3.42 gpa, lived on his own in an apartment (no roommates) during college for 2 1/2 years? All seems pretty normal, right?
What if I told you that the “mother” in question has convinced the courts that her son is mentally disabled, so she can continue to receive child support, even though the Social Security administration doesn’t seem to think so? The same “mother” that a doctor doing an evaluation on this young man stated about her “Mother is underreporting his true abilities”. What can only seem to be a motive is revenge against the father. Can her desire to bring down her ex cloud her judgement so much that she is willing to risk her son’s future? What benefit does he receive by being labeled ‘mentally disabled’? His life used to consist of college, living independently and a job. Now he is not in school, not working and living back at home with his mother. This young man has Asperger’s Syndrome, according to the Mayo Clinic it “is a developmental disorder that affects a child’s ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others” We have never believed that this rises to the level of mental disability. However, his mother has convinced the court through her blatant misrepresentations that it does, purely for her financial gain. All objective testing criteria proves that his abilities fall within the normal range. But, when subjective criteria from the mother is used, he is suddenly considered “disabled”.
Any time someone is constantly being told, by a person that he trusts, that he is incapable of achievement, sooner or later it becomes an ingrained part of their being. That is tragic-especially when the motivation for doing so is for pure financial gain by a third party. He deserves better than this.
I absolutely love you philosophy of immersing children in a wide variety of activities. My son is 3 and 1/2, and still too young for most activities, but I want him to experience and enjoy different interests as a child. Also, of course, I want him to find something that he thoroughly enjoys doing like music, sports, whatever.
When I was young, my dad took me out on picnics in the mountain and to car shows. My mom took me to dance and karate lessons. I also took up drawing and painting. I believe it helped me to develop an appreciation for things other than computer games and TV.
As I see it, being a supportive parent is somewhere on a spectrum between “pushy” and “lazy.” I hope that in the future I will not try to force my own interests onto my child.
Dr Phil I have a 10 yr old boy who is involved in Soccer, Football and Basketball but it’s his choice to play not mine.But I do know that as a parent I have to be supportive and dedicated to any sport he wants to do. I will support my child on anything that he want’s to do. I would never pushed a sport on him! It’s his choice and as parent’s we need to learn to live out there dream not ours.
When I was little, (ages 5-13) my mom put me in Girl Scouts and was my troop leader all the years I was in it. Some of the things I liked and others I hated. I was ready to quit at least a year before she finally decided, with the help of her co-leaders and feigning intrest from the rest of the girls, that it got to be too much on top of school and let me quit. When I have kids I don’t know if I would put a daughter in Girl Scouts. I wouldn’t want my lack of intrest to keep her out of something she wanted to do, but if she didn’t like it I would’nt make her continue
I don’t know if my response is related to this discussion but I just want to tell you:
Great Job..Hello Dr. Phil, I am a huge fan of your show as well as the rest of my family. Your show is amazing and every topic you have is very helpful in our everyday life. You always lead us to the right path with so much guidance and helpful tips that we can apply to ourselves. Thank you so much Dr. Phil. I like the Episode on the racist thing..Wow I had a blast on that segment because I came from the Philippines and discrimination is just around the corner but I am lucky I am loved and accepted by our community here in Mississippi. I’m only been here for a little over a year and so far so good. I am still adjusting to my environment but I am loving it and watching your show is one great help on my adjustment. I also like the episode on parenting and how to protect your child. To me, it is a heads up for both my husband and I because I am pregnant with our first child and knowing those points that you and your guests had discussed on the show is a huge help and an awareness for us first time parents. I guess thank you is not enough from all the thing you have done to everybody’s lives. I will be watching your show everyday and I am glad that a show like yours do exist. God Bless
My husband and I have raised 4 children and our approach was very much like yours. We exposed them to a variety of things but didn’t push them into anything. We supported them in the activities they showed an interest in. My daughter at 6 was desperate to ride horses. Neither of us had any knowledge of English riding but she was very persistent and ended up riding until her early teens. We wanted to celebrate them as unique individuals; separate from us.
I work with parents and have so often heard of situations where it’s clearly the parent’s agenda and not the child’s. I think parents often get their kids to live out THEIR dreams. They want their kids to make THEM look good. It’s not really for the kids.
Hi, Dr. Phil. I am a huge fan of yours and I think that’s mainly because our philosophies on many areas of life are so closely matched! In fact, I find myself quoting you to my friends because I, too, agree with what you’ve said! Anyway, back to the topic at hand: At 25, I am not yet among the lucky to call myself a parent but I sincerely hope that when I finally am one that I will take a similar approach with my kids as you and Robin took with your boys. Growing up, I was involved in a wide-range of activities–rhythmic gymnastics, piano, clarinet, track, theater, figure skating, Girl Scouts, creative writing, voice lessons, choir…The thing is, my mom picked out most of these activities and I really don’t think she thought through what would happen if I didn’t want to be involved in them. I usually took the route of “humoring her” for a long enough time where saying “at least I tried” when I inevitably quite wasn’t a lie. While I greatly appreciate all the things my mother introduced me to, (I also saw almost the entire country, four additional foreign ones, and spent a plethora of time at museums, National/State parks, and with my mother attending her feminist meetings), I often wish she would have instilled more in me than just “trying new things.” She never taught me to follow through on anything. When I quit each and every activity, she just let me. I never heard any talks about following through or not giving up or that you don’t quit on your commitments. I just always did and always got away with it. Maybe that’s why I thought nothing of it when I dropped out of college more than once or quit every job I’ve ever had, (all three of them), when it got too hard or I didn’t like it anymore. I’ve changed all of that about myself now, sticking with my commitments long past the point where I smarter person would have just walked away. But I really hope I can somehow teach my kids, “it’s fine to be involved in any activity you want but whatever one you pick, you need to see it through. Stick to your word, always.” Hopefully I can teach them this even if I, myself, never learned it until my childhood was long overwith.
Dear Dr.Phil,
I am 28 years old and I have pushy parents. They think I am a disgrace to the family because I tell the world that I am an author who’s just promoting his books and at the same time I am focusing on my education. They always tell me that everything they say is for my own “life”. My dad complains about everything I don’t do my mother usually does the same thing. It’s not about me, it’s about what others think of both them, me and the rest of the family. They are saying that they aren’t interfering in my life, but i see the opposite. I am working hard to finish my education. My dad tells me negative things like: I am degrading myself, I act like someone who does not live in this world, I am going down, I am like one of his younger brothers who failed in his life. I decided to allianate them and focus on my education becuase I have had enough. I don’t respect my dad because he’s not encouraging and he has committed several adultaries. I am beginning to lose respect for my mother too because she’s usually protective of my father’s behaviors. The only solution for me is to alianate them out of my life and concentrate on myself because I just cannot stand them anymore.
I am grateful that you brought up this topic because it’s an opportunity for me to share my story. Dr.Phil I have had enough! I just can’t take it anymore. I haven’t spoken to my father for 1,5 year. I just can’t. He’s not encouraging.
I am happy that my parents never pushed me into anything that I didnt want to do. My parents allowed me to make my own decisions in life but with their guidance and encouragement. I really thank my parents and I appreciate them
my parents have pushed me away so many times that now im 19 and im afraid to confront either of them . im 19 i can fend for myself i work i go to school and im living on my own now but im happy
dr phil you and robin are wonderful parents i can see it in yours sons the way they talk the way they love life children react to their lifestyle i have been trying desperatly to get called to be on your show for my invention inspired by my now 17 year old son he too has a love for life and all the things you say about how you and robin stepped back and let your children decide the paths they will take i have done with my son and no it hasn`t been easy coming from a childhood where i was deprived of many things it was hard not to want what i wanted for him but i loved him enough to let him decide the rewards are overwhelming he has always maintained a 4.0 gpa and he is graduating next year with honors he plays guitar clarinet base clarinet and yes the flute he`s handsome smart funny and most of all i trust in his ability to succeed and always try to do the right thing i wish you could meet my son and have us on your show when you called my mother passed that very day and i was unable to attend sheryl said don`t give up hope and so 2 years october 2nd i am still holding out hope i`m 48 years old i`m not getting any younger i need to be able to send my son to college
I agree that dr phill and Robin did a great job of raising their boys.
Too bad I live in a town down south that sometimes church going means you put up with abusive behavior from men. I hope I find a guy who respects me, unlike the last two guys I have previously known.
I agree with some of the suggestions that Dr. Phil provided for the parents who were struggling to fully potty train their son. I have a bachelor’s degree in early childhood/family studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. I have worked with young children and families for over 11 years.
When a family that I am working with has potty training difficulties, I first reassure them that there are not too many 17 year olds walking around not yet potty trained. I agree with Dr. Phil about this child using his bowel movements for control, because that is one thing that kiddos his age can control. One very important aspect of potty training that Dr. Phil failed to mention is that children grow emotionally and developmentally at their unique rates. I have worked with children that are extremely intelligent but, their social and emotional capacities are still emerging.
Dear Doctor Phil/Robin. Dear Erica/Jay. Erica/Jay I want to say that I hope that—
you will name your baby and be a proud parents to your baby girl. Doctor Phil/Rob-
in I just want to say that I hope that you and Robin will be proud Grandparents of
that baby girl. Well Ihad better close now. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.—-
dr.Phil i agree with what u said about the little 31/5 yr old & having prob with his toileting, erin is right on but i think they need to not make such a big deal when he has an accident instead she should just put him in pull ups then she wont have to make such a big production of hosing his underwear outside like he is a soiled dog, u can see he is sad when he does this. With pull ups its just clean him put on a clean pair & let him decide when he can control his bm’s..eventually he will get it & boys r twice as hard to train as girls…the little guy just needs unconditional love & not a big deal over this prob…they have tried so many things oftentimes if they just do nothing he will do his thing at his own speed. U r top shelf Dr.Phil..
“my comment is awaiting moderation”…what does this mean?..i hope my email stays printed
TO TRAIN BOY FOR BM 11/24/09
A small potty chair in bathroom would let the boy be in charge of doing his BM
with no nagging. That worked well for my 3 daughters
I wanted Dr. Phil to please ask the baton twirler Mom how she felt about herself. She seemed to have very low self-esteem and dove in head first in creating a “better” person in her daughter. I think this was the true heart of the matter. I also think the Dad is a wimp for not standing up to his wife for his daughter’s sake. This was outright abuse of a child. I do not think the Mom still has a clue. She is addicted to winning and controlling her daughter.
I totally agree–from the mistakes episode last week– that the potty training troubles were mostly a power struggle. It’s hard enough to get your little one used to the toilet, then trying to figure their bowel movement schedule (that technique never worked for me btw. Its harder if your precocious toddler just does not want to do it. Sometimes what it takes is to find a way to make potty time interesting and rewarding and something to look foreward to.
Up until a month ago, my son would go (#1 and 2) in his pull up no matter how often I made him sit on the potty. A year of trying to potty train him without an ounce of success brought me to tears. I worried he is going to be FOUR in a couple of months and we are going nowhere! Is there something wrong with him? With me? I was at my wit’s end. I had a theory that he thought pull ups were still diapers so he treated them like diapers, so I decided to test it out by switching to underwear. I made a big deal out of the switch to get him really excited, and I explained that if he wants to continue wearing his “big boys” (what he calls his underwear) and to keep his clothes nice and dry, he needs to go pee and poo in the potty. After each successful use of the potty I made a big deal with “yays” and high fives, and every accident-free day gets a sticker on the chart. Now, after ONE MONTH he is fully potty trained.
It takes A LOT of work and patience, but potty training is certainly doable.
I try to raise my children (3) right and instill values in them so that they steer clear of trouble in the future. I have 4-year-old twins (b/g) and the boy twin tags along with me to help out with our family owned business on the weekends. We set up inflatable bouncers, slides, games and train rides for parties. My son has become a pro at this and helps a lot. He knows what to do, when to do it and has never missed a day of work. I am very proud of him and know he will continue to make me proud with his decisions throughout life. My dilemma is:
Our local newspaper came out and wrote an article about him and his “job”. The paper received letters about a 4-year-old who works harder than most adults and ran it as a human-interest story. Link to story: http://www.dailycomet.com/article/20091116/articles/911169962&tc=yahoo
We have gotten several calls, emails and people stop us to comment on how good of a kid he is and how proud we must be of him. His mom and I were beside ourselves with the positive responses we have gotten from this and we felt good as parents.
Then, the state department of labor contacted us and wanted to talk about what kids were allowed to do as far as work in our state and the dangers of having minors as employees. They advised us during a meeting that it is not a good idea to include our child in the family business at his age.
Am I a bad parent for doing this and allowing my son to work with me? He loves going with me and cries if I try to leave without him. What should I do? What would you do? Just looking for a little parental advise……
I am not yet a parent but I am expecting a child very soon! She is due Jan 16.
My parents tried their best to let me do whatever sport or activity i wanted to do and let me choose what i wanted to pursue. However, some things were just too expensive. I played softball for years (never any good at it and really didnt like it but i liked to see my mom smile and made some friends along the way so i did that for her). I have sang in the church choir for as long as i can remember. In school, I was in chorus. I played the trumpet in the middle and highschool bands. Participated in AFJROTC, poetry club, spanish club, teens against drugs(suprisingly more teens in teens against drugs actually do drugs than you think thats how they know so much about them but luckily i didnt fall to the peer pressure), and even had a run in with cheerleading(didnt much care for it teenage girls are harsh when it comes to being “perfect” and having the latest styles)
I am a very religious person, thats just how i was raised. However, My fiance is not so much. Yesterday, he and I had a discussion about religion and tried to plan out how to introduce religion to our daughter when she gets here. I was bluntly honest with him saying yes religion is important to me and i would love for it to be a part of her life! However, I dont want to force it on her like my parents did me! I didnt give my life to God until I was 16. partly because i was being rebellious towards my parents and partly because I had to gain that emotional maturity and grasp what exactly it meant to give my life to God.
But how much is too much? I want to expose her to what i believe but i dont want her to feel condemned if she doesnt believe as i do…
Dr.Phil,
I have a 10 yr old step-daughter, i love her sooo much and willing to do anything for her, but she plays her father against me when it’s in her favor. And also when her father isnt looking she will make face’s at me, and i say something to her and her fater thinks that im just on her. But he doesnt see it. And when she gets over bugging me she is fine. But we have an issue becauce of it, see we have been together since she was 5 yrs old, and some times he will back me on what i say, and other he doesnt. i just dont know what to do or say, ive told him about how i feel. and he thinks, im over acting. She is a very smart child (gifted in school) but knows how to get by with things. When i get upset i just go to the other room and close the door. Oh and by the way i do not have any kids of my own, and im 41 yrs so is my husband James 41. What kind of advise can you give me to take charge of this situation?
Dear Doctor Phil. I Think that punisment has gone to far aswell. Happy New Year.
Well I had better close now. Russell Vlaanderen.——————————–
I am confused about the difference between abuse and discipline, I have 3 kids, 27, 12, 6, What about parent abuse, I am scared to death to do any thing to my kids for fear of being turned in for child abuse, I know that if I had treated my mom the way my kids younger kids treat me now I would not have any teeth left, but we can’t touch them now and the kids know that, Their comment is I’ll call the cops, on you, I’ll run away, you know that you don’t live with us on a daily basis, so you don not know what these young kids are like.
This is one of biggest challenges of parenting! I wish my parents had insisted that I finish some of the activities that I quit because they became challenging. As a parent, I wish sometimes my children had more fire in the belly and became excited about some of their hobbies. In the end I think we all have regrets about opportunities lost, but that is how we learn. Eventually we all discover things that we love, even if later in life.
Parents should let their kids know that when a teacher says you shouldn’t try-out for something, there should be a good reason, like not being able to do it, not because you don’t come from a wealthy family.
It’s hard but interesting to go to a school where the parents values match the rival school’s values, and not the one the child currently goes to.
Parents shouldn’t be afraid of what will happen to their kids if they speak out, because sometimes, teachers do not know everything.
I have a Son who is an athlete, he has a black belt in Karate he excelled at anything physical. My other Son is an artist and received awards in second grade for being a “real cartoonist” I made my artist Son participate in one season of pee wee baseball. He loved it but did not want to do it again. I introduced them to everything and THEY made up their own minds as to what they would pursue.
They both are artistic geniuses. The athlete is a great musician and the artist is an artist with an uncanny grip on computer science.
In May of 2009, when my fiance and I had finally achieved our goal of becoming foster parents, his son stole my credit cards and purchased multiple items off the internet for him and his friends. When his father slapped him for it..he ran away, told school authorities his father beats him and our foster children were taken away. We have been involved in the court system since then. He was returned to our home (at the end of May, 2009) and in September, 2009 he did it again. He stole the money his father needed to secure a union job with Local 79 Bricklayers union. ($300 out of $727) This time he didn’t receive any kind of discipline. He ran away being a coward to punishment. He constantly lies, steals and runs away. He has cost us our home ( His father didn’t get the union job because the money was stolen and I was only getting unemployment benefits plus money from foster care agency which handled the home and all children very well). I did return back to work (for a temporary agency), but it only last 4 months. In that time I was not able to catch up to our rent in which we were behind by $3000. We eventually got evicted, placed him in a group home, got charges dropped against us (December 17). We also found out is was having sex. He’s only 12. We are great parents. He never wanted for anything. What is his problem? He is one child that really needed discipline and his father never did. His mother is not in his life @ all. She’s a crack prostitute but when he does us wrong that’s who he wants to be with because he knows she won’t look afer him like we do. I have been raising him since 9 years of age and this is the thanks I get. His father and I are now homeless and have to start our 6 year relationship over from scratch including a home, furnishings….the works. He will be gone until September 2010 which gives us time to get things back in order. However, I don’t ever want to see him again. I never want that child to live under the same roof as me. He can’t be trusted.
Sorry, I hought this blog was about disciplineHTKR
What ever happen on the story of the father of the nine year old son? I know that was a re-run. Did things work out and the father lighten up a little. Seems like he had a Great youngster there but couldn’t see it. Wish them both well.
G
Dr. Phil: PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is more a question than a comment. I have and am raising an 8 yr. old great granddaughter whose mother is in prison and my question is “I put her down for bed at 7 PM and she refuses to go to sleep until 3 to 4 hours later. She is up at 6AM for school , which she is in the second grade and a straight “A” student. She is also an ADHD cvhild who is on 30mg. of Vyvanse.”
Dear Dr. Phil, I have a dead beat ex-husband. He has nothing to do with his son, no phone calls, no letters and no visits. In our divorce agreement it was decided that my ex would be responsible for 75% of medical/dental bills that weren’t covered by insurance. Well my son is 15 and he hasn’t paid a single dime. My son had braces and my ex signed a contract to pay his half and hasn’t in almost 2 years, he actual listed the braces in his bankruptcy. My son can only wear titanium frames, so with his prescription his glasses cost about $400.00. My mom and grandparents have bought every pair of his glasses since he was 3, because my ex won’t help. Now he needs oral surgery, and in the area that I live you have to pay up front. I called my ex about the procedure and was told he couldn’t help pay a thing. They estimate it will cost $1000.00 for extracting 2 wisdom teeth and I can’t afford that. I am on social security disability. We just get buy with what we have to pay every month and buy food. My son also has asthma and his medication is very expensive and the ex won’t pay that either. I’ve sent bills to the friend of the court, so I could be reimbursed via child support. To date nothing has been reimbursed. I feel like a bad parent because I can’t afford to cover all of his needs and I also feel like taking a bat to my ex for being a dead beat dad. Please offer me some words of wisdom.
yayy
it is very obvious that parents who push kids to do things they dont want to do, or are less interested than their parents are likely to fail in life. you cant satisfy 2 wants at a time. they get their mind in two ways, they have parents wish to fulfill and their dream to try to pursuit.
I really liked your article…i’m a mother of two a 6year old girl and a 4 year old boy. Their father and I are dentists owning our own clinic.. I can’t denie that i wish the would that i’ll see my boy standing with his father as a dentist too . In fact me and their father believe that if he grew up being a dentist…we could help him alot and give him owr experience. As for our girl…we’d never wish her being a dentist ..cause i really get tired from work .. plus my girl gets tired so fast …i really wish she’d be like a decor designer… I know it seems like i’m pushy …but i also believe that my experience is worth giving ..specially to my child. And as regards sports ..since we live in a coastal city i guess any type of marine sports , they will really benefit from .. and i also do expose them to other activities like going to the theatre with them, and doing some arts and crafts and some outdoor sports like cycling… at the end i have a question for u Dr. Phill….at what age could a child take his or her RIGHT desicion in life !!????
I also wanted to add my personal experience ..as i had great mom and dad who never pushed me to do anything in fact ..i used to play the piano for 8 years or so and i achieved alot of experience …i also used to play in the handball teem..which i didn’t like much…i had my own desicion of going to the dental school …as i liked biology so much ..and maybe because of playing the piano i found in dentistry alot of art..i also wasn’t pushed when i chose my husband …but to tell u the truth i see things now in a totally different way than when i first got ingaged (19 years old)..
And i finally want to ask u Dr. Phill… if we as parents see that the person our children want to marry, is not that good for them .. to what extent should we interfere ..??
Dr.Phil, I have a 2 year old grand daughter that I adore and really loves me. I live 5 hours from my daughter and her family but have tried to go down there at least once a month to see them, Unfortunately my daughter’s husband has a problem with me and does everything in his power to keep me from them. I have done nothing to him, and we see as it as a controlling issue. My heart is broken because I miss my daughter and grand daughter so much. She is allowing him to win and I do not know what to do. Do I completely back off? Then I and my darling grand daughter will lose. Please advise.. Lee
I have two young men ages (now) 11, and 13 years old. A year ago this past Feb, my former spouse malitously filed a motion with the court that my two boys were in imminant physical and emotional danger of me; stating that due to me being a former Marine (USMC), participated in mixed martial arts, and that they were in mass fear of me. I had a hearing at court where a judge listened to two school counselors that testified that my boys had suicidal thoughts, and were fearful of me; the motion was granted. I have NO prior records or convictions of assauly, battery, domestic violence, NOTHING. They have not let me even have supervised visitation. It has been the most unfathomable situation, and nightmare! There are individuals who batter their spouse, do drugs, etc, and have supervised visitation of their children. I have reached out to my legislature, and local foundations and it seems NO ONE cares , nor can help!! My boys have been alienated from their only sister ( who is a special needs child “DEAF”) The last time they saw her was when she was 2.5 months old. She is coming up on her 2 year birthday. I am asking anyone and everyone the PLEASE HELP!! I have always been involved in their lives until this motion was filed and now my boys are gone! I can be reached at robertmedearis@hotmail.com for any and all help. Please subject it (your boys). GOD BLESS
I never thought that i would ever be in this position ever in my life.. my husband of 25 years walked out and i was a stay at home mom of 4 sons, after 4 years of separation and going from a stay at home mom, to a welder, loosing that job, i was faced with a decision on what am i going to do now, my boys are grown and i’m out of a job, i have a home to pay for by myself for 4 years.
i followed a hunch and i’m now a live in Nanny of a 3 year and 6 year old. (the mother was killed in a car accident with the children int he car, the children survived) here i am, raising another set of children at my age (47) and one has an attitude which i am trying to get a handle on..
my question is how do i discipline another parents child. the father trusts me but it is still awkward.
Please help me help them… Cindy