This approach, however, does not work for children who are struggling emotionally. For Dr. Phil and his wife, they were able to see positive results when they spoke with their children and set boundaries. The children respected them due to the strong bond they all share. Dr. Phil’s children are emotionally healthy, and had no need to engage in self destructive behaviors in order to cope with negative feelings.

Still, when a child is struggling emotionally, he or she will most likely keep making bad choices. Therefore, consequences laid down by parent will not necessarily stop the behavior. The child’s negative behaviors are a symptom of his or her struggle with pain, hurt and anger. Remember that no child wants to make bad choices, but often times that is the only way they can deal with negative feelings.

When warning signs emerge, it is important to address the source of the problem, not only the symptoms. By issuing stricter rules and consequences without addressing the underlying issue, parents will not get the results they desire. It’s similar to when we experience physical pain that doesn’t go away. If we keep taking medication, we are alleviating the pain temporarily, but not addressing the cause. Therefore, long term results are not possible.

If you child is having problems with lying, drinking, drugs or other negative behaviors, he or she is likely experiencing negative feelings that require attention. Most of the time if parents listen to their children they can discover the source of their frustration. If you dig deeper and get close to your child, you are increasing significantly the chances of him or her making better and healthier choices.

I was reading your blog on ’shaping your kids’ and my mind recalled a show involving Jessica and her adopted twin boys. I found watching Jessica’s treatment of Kristoff(?) so distressing that I turned the show off. I am a retired Military Officer and my husband is a Senior Military Officer (RAAF) and I equated the methods Jessica and her husband used to forms of torture as opposed to military discipline. I could not wrap my mind around an adult using and justifying such methods for raising children and I felt so deeply distressed when I heard the little fellow crying in the cold shower. The one person who should be nurturing, loving and protecting him was abusing him. No adult would suffer cold showers and hot sauce from Jessica, nor should any child be required to – we are all equal. We have three children whose ages range from 6 – 17 years old. I feel that the most successful habit my husband and I have instilled to raise our children is to always view them in a positive light and always view them as our equals when it comes to respect and human rights. We offer autonomy and only step up and in as disciplinarians when we know that our children don’t have the life experience and maturity to cope with any given situation. Most importantly we speak respectfully to our children and respect their right to dignity. Do we make mistakes? Absolutely, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We don’t see those mistakes as the childrens fault and we don’t necessarily view them in a negative light. Sometimes we give ourselves a break and sometimes we apologise to our children for our behaviour, whether it be raising our voice unnecessarily, giving our opinion when the children didn’t ask for it and didn’t want it and sometimes just getting things plain wrong. I feel very deeply about turning the household into an ‘us against them’ scenario and I see the response children make when parents do that. I cringe when I hear parents whine about the school holidays and having their children home or parents who loudly voice relief that the holidays have ended and the children are back at school. Imagine hearing the only person you have to rely on in this world whingeing about you? Imagine if children could openly whinge about parents without recourse…..wow, that would be interesting to listen to! I’ve learned a lot from watching your show Dr Phil, and I embrace the approach of asking our children about their worlds, keeping my ear to the ground and checking in with our children when they come home from any social engagements. And I have learned the wisdom of remaining staunch when I think it’s important, irrespective of what every other child at school is apparently allowed to do. I hold expectations of teachers and parents of my childrens friends and I am pleased when they have expectations of me too. Our children regularly tell me when they think I’m doing the job wrong and how they need me to do the job right and I listen and react according to my common sense and instincts. But they also tell me when they think I’m doing the job right and that’s the best feeling in this world! Dr Phil, I hope against hope that you made an impact with Jessica and that little Kristoff is blossoming as a result. Anything else is awful to contemplate.
Melanie

There is so much more to this story but the bottom line is she defintely needs more advise that I can give her…..and I have, but I was never a good at discipline.

She and her husband are great people and, in my opinion, great parents!

She is with the kids quite a bit because her husband works a lot of hours and she understands that, althought, it gets difficult at times!

If there is any advice for this wonderful…..intelligent (Doctorate in Physical Therapy) Mom you can give her…..that would be very much appreciated! Grandma Debbie

i’m pondering about beginning my own blog. i’m asking yourself if it is hard to operate your own blog. I certainly enjoy commenting. many thanks Bloggers….