To Spank or Not to Spank?
On two of our shows this week, we have what I think, is an intelligent and thought-provoking debate about an age-old question: To spank or not to spank. Big question, and one that the answer to can have a profound and lasting impact on your child. I have seen surveys that tend to be split, with about half of parents believing if you spare the rod, you spoil the child, and the other half saying no way does it make sense to hit your kid.
Not one to waffle around on issues, I won’t hesitate to weigh in with my opinion: I believe spanking genuinely confuses children. I believe they think to themselves something like, ”OK, let me get this right. You are supposed to love me, nurture me and protect me from harm, and now you are standing there, five times my size, and hitting me and inflicting physical pain? Hmmm … I don’t get it.”
Will spanking suppress behavior in the short term? Yes. Does it teach a lesson that can be internalized and used later in the form of self-discipline? I don’t think so, and even if it does, it’s highly inefficient compared to other options. And is it really wise to teach children that hitting is OK?
I got spanked once, and I am still mad about it! HA! In the sixth grade, I snuck off to swim in a pond about 10 miles from our house in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. No supervision and lucky someone didn’t drown! When asked about it, I started to lie and deny doing it. Even though I was young, and based on my choices at the time, pretty stupid, I quickly realized, mid-lie, that I was standing there with bloodshot eyes and a good case of swimmer’s ear. It wouldn’t have taken MacGyver to figure out what I’d been doing, so I just ‘fessed up — not because it was the right thing, but because I was busted, and I knew it.
My father spanked me with a belt for sneaking off and swimming without supervision in an uncharted pond. Five minutes later, he came in and gave me a dollar to reward my decision to tell the truth. Now, a dollar to a poor kid circa 1961 was a lot of money, but let me tell you, I stood there and ripped that dollar bill into a million pieces so tiny you couldn’t even almost tell what it used to be! I “got” the stupidity of what I had done and didn’t need to be hit to solidify that knowledge. It wasn’t the physical pain, because honestly, it was a pretty wimpy and half-hearted whuppin’. It was the indignity of it and the sense of betrayal I felt. If anything, it made me feel righteous, defiant and rebellious (please hear chants of “ATTICA! ATTICA!” building in the background. HA!) I felt the relationship I thought we had was now, in my opinion, violated, which to my 12-year-old brain meant I owed him nothing going forward. It was every man for himself! (Sooo, I have the bias of personal experience, but I confessed it, so don’t hit me!)
On this week’s shows, however, I have some guests who strongly disagree with my opinions, as I bet many of you do. They insist that an occasional swat across the behind or even a good spanking is not anything close to a physical beating, and that it does indeed teach respect. Unfortunately, it often doesn’t stop with the swat or controlled spanking and can go too far.
So what do you think? Do you think you can get results with physical punishment? Does fear work, or does it backfire?
I’d like to hear all of your stories. Have you ever spanked your child? Do you think a teacher or school administrator has the right to paddle your child for misbehaving? What about a babysitter? And what methods of discipline would you use instead of spanking?
Tags: Children, discipline, punishment, spanking
I believe any form of corporal punishment is abusive. If an adult hit another adult as a form of ‘correction’ , it would be an assault charge worthy of legal action. I believe any parent/teacher/etc., who is guilty of administering corporal punishment should be charged with abuse. It teaches nothing but humiliation and fear. Do you really want that to be why your child obeys you? We ground our kids, PT them (push ups, sit ups, run laps) or have them write essays. This is very effective, seeing as how our children are NEVER in trouble in school.
I urge anyone guilty of this behavior to rethink it. I resent anyone who ever laid a hand on me for their form of so-called ‘correction’.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Jennifer Keeney
Story from Canadian news and the debate is getting heated once again to abolish it in Winnipeg. If one provience moves in that direstion then all provences will follow.
(It seems that when there are other forms of discipline then perhaps it is time to change our way of thinking even if our parents did it, society is always evolving.) singingkwe
CBC NEWS The Canadian context
Section 43 of the Criminal Code of Canada, enacted in 1892, provides parents, teachers and caregivers — including babysitters and foster parents — a defence when they use corporal punishment as “reasonable force” to discipline children. The Supreme Court of Canada upheld the century-old law in 2004 when it was asked to rule on whether spanking constitutes “reasonable force” for disciplining children, or whether it is a form of abuse.
The court heard arguments on both sides of the debate and ruled by a 6-3 margin that the law was constitutional and should stand. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin stated that under Section 43, criminal law does not apply when force “is part of a genuine effort to educate the child, poses no reasonable risk of harm that is more than transitory and trifling, and is reasonable under the circumstances.”
Changes to the section were recommended, however. In her decision, McLachlin ruled out the use of corporal punishment for children under age two or for teenagers. She also came out against using instruments such as rulers and belts, or striking a child on the face or head.
The court also revised legal doctrine that had lumped parents and teachers together. McLachlin wrote “corporal punishment by teachers is unacceptable,” but the court nonetheless concluded that teachers could use reasonable force to “remove children from classrooms or secure compliance with instructions.”
Shortly after the Supreme Court’s decision, Liberal Senator Céline Hervieux-Payette introduced a bill to the Senate to eliminate Section 43. Known as Bill S-209, the legislation was mulled over in the Senate for more than three years as the Canadian Bar Association and the Canadian Council of Criminal Defence Lawyers spoke out against it.
The bill was eventually amended to allow parents and caregivers to use force in very specific situations — such as a small smack to the hand to stop a child who is about to do something dangerous or harmful. But routine discipline and the use of spanking as premeditated punishment wouldn’t be allowed.
The bill passed its third reading in the Senate in June 2008 and moved to the House of Commons for approval before it could become law. The House never held a vote, however, as Parliament was dissolved for an election.
Anti-spanking laws around the world
Sweden was the first country in the world to introduce anti-spanking legislation, in 1979. Finland, Norway and Austria followed suit over the next decade. As of March 2009, 24 countries had introduced a full ban on corporal punishment for children — both at home and in school. Italy and Nepal have yet to confirm legislation that would outlaw corporal punishment for children, although both countries have supreme court rulings in favour of prohibition.
The CBC does not necessarily endorse any of the views posted.
I have looked into this topic very seriously. For the pros of spanking I appreciated Dr James Dobson’s books, “Dare to Discipline,” and “Parenting Isn’t for Cowards.” As well as, my mother’s advice on the topic! Nature is CORPORAL! Mess with a bear’s cubs and see what happens to you. Light matches in a dry forest, or run on a newly mopped floor, or in a large, packed parking lot in Las Vegas! Chances are you’ll start a fire, get burned, slip and fall, get hit by a car backing out! If rules are not followed then you may get seriously hurt! Better to be spanked than to wind up in the morgue!
Mama told me of an interview with a man from an Asian country. He was caned for stealing and was asked what he felt about such punishment, “Well, I’ll think twice before doing that, again!”
I’ve been listening to Black Comedians tell how their Mamas’ disciplined them and some have even compared their discipline to how their white friends were disciplined. It is hilarious to those of us that are well-rounded adults. WE know that we deserved every lick we got for whatever disobedience we’d been caught at, (I say “we” going off the laughter from the audience). My parents gave me a choice, or so I thought. I picked the spanking and got the grounding, but I never made it to the end of my “sentence,” before sneaking out the bedroom window! Jail is evidently not working for some! I’d take a caning any day than to sit and rot in a cell! From what I hear, a person can get beat-up in prison, anyways, so you get both punishments there. How humane and “just” is that?
I believe that spanking can be helpful in bringing up your children. But if you start out as soon as your baby is able to crawl and walk to show them dangerous situations by talking to them and telling them no. You may even have to lightly spat a hand. It does not hurt them, but lets them know that you are trying to protect them. If you continue to talk to your child and make them understand that when you say no you mean no they will do as they are told for the most part. You do not have to do a lot of spanking if any if you take the time to discuss things with children from an early age. But I will have to say that I believe that spanking in the right way, not with a belt or switch, only your hand and only on their backside never hurt a child in the long run. You have been having shows recently about bullying. Well today my daughter had to go the the school where her nine year old daughter goes because she got in trouble for calling a girl that has only been in the school two days a bad name. My granddaughter and a boy where talking about her and called her a lesbian. My daughter asked her what that meant and she didn’t even know. Needless to say, she got her butt spanked. My daughter also explained to her that she was being a bully and that her behavior would not be tolerated. I admire my daughters action. She is also grounded for a length of time. My granddaugher is normally a very sweet caring child, but today she acted terrible. If more parents did what my daughter did, then maybe the bullying problem would become a thing of the past.
Clearly, this subject has been taken out of context. There is a way to spank. Not abuse. I am a firm believer that you can’t raise a child at 12 yrs and older of age. It starts from the walker. Yes, I would slightly pop my kids hands to keep them from hurting themselves. As a result, I trusted that they would not touch plugs, and other dangerous items when I was not looking. I believe that you have to insite some sort of fear as a parent in order to reiterate who the adult and boss is. As a result of teaching them early, I never had to really spank them after the age of 4 or 5. They respect me and my authority. Kids want boundaries and need guidance. We are not talking about adults spanking adults. I see our children out of control. They are angry, disrespectful, and lost. There is a way to spank a child. My mom did, her mom did and we are all better off for it.
For example, when I spanked my kids, I would always discuss first why I am spanking you. I spanked you because we previously talked about this and I am not going to see you get hurt. I hug and kiss them to let them know that I am not angry with them but you are going to honor my requests. I am the mother and you are the child. Believe me, if done properly, they will love you more.
I do not believe in spanking! I grew up in the time when everyone seemed to spank and my mother spanked us. And let me tell you, while I never thought we were abused, my mother never spanked us when she wasn’t angry at us. Whenever I was spanked, it just made me more angry and all I wanted to do was hit someone else so they would feel the same humiliation and/or pain. I never learned nor do I remember any lesson coming out of spanking.
It took me years to come to believe spanking is wrong. Luckily, I broke the chain before I ever had children. Children are precious gifts, I know because I tried to have children for 15 years.
I am finally a mother through our the Foster care system. I love, love my children and will never see any reason, ever, to justify spanking!
I use time-outs! That’s it. My children are young, 2 yrs old and one 9 months. So I know I will have challenges ahead of me, but I plan is to use logic to help them understand right from wrong. I don’t believe you can ever talk too much to your children, (although, I’m sure they will think differently about that one
I also have a great husband who participates in parenting 110%, we are always there for each other.
Please don’t spank your children!
Thank you!
Dr Phil, I think you are great and the voice of reason in a mad world. However, this is one point I will never agree to. There is NOTHING wrong with a sharp spank to your disobedient child. Sometimes it is just what they need. I received spanks as a child (not often, as I was usually good) & I am very grateful that my mother did so. I defy anyone to find a better, more loving and wonderful mother than mine. I adore her and I know whenever she gave me a smack, I absolutely deserved it.
Time outs, verbal rebukes and other punishments are valuable too, but their validity does not make spanking bad.
I am deeply concerned when I see such extreme anti-spank sentiment. I encourage ppl to move away from popular opinions of our time and use your own independant thought on this issue. Other stories like New Zealand, where spanking your own child is illegal deeply distress me!!! I think that is socialism at its sickest. The government has no right to interfere in such a personal aspect of ppl’s lives. Nothing is more important than raising your children properly, with love and guidance; and if they deserve a good hiding, as their parent it is your duty to give it.
To answer your other question Dr Phil. If my child seriously misbehaved at school & got sent to the principal’s office, I wld have no objection to the principal giving him “six of the best”.
You mention feeling indignity about getting a hiding and I know I certainly felt indignity when I got one. But that is part of what you should feel when punished for miebehavior. As you always say, when you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences. Misbehaviour call for punishment. Punishment should be very unpleasant.
I believe spanking is useless and cruel. My son responds to simply sitting in time out and/or taking away certain privileges. My view is, if a child responds well to a non-violent form of punishment, why would someone use violence on a child? Also, parents have to understand not only to punish if your child does something wrong, but to praise your child when they do something good. Finally, my son mostly misbehaves when he wants attention. If I’m doing something, say cooking or dishes, I will simply let him know that I understand he wants me to play with him and, if he will behave, I will be done that much sooner and can sit and play with him that much quicker. It works most of the time and I feel it is a much more constructive way to discipline your child.
Well Dr. Phill I totally agree with you. I do think we look like monsters when we stand in front of our children inflicting pain. We look like Sulley did to Boo from the movie Monsters Inc. Well today I was a big bully to my 8yr old son. He has many issues, still knows, sometimes cannot control what he does, when he has done wrong. Yesterday, he hit two teachers when they reached for a phone to call me. He was on a war path. Today I dicided to give him a few wacks on the behind for disrespecting me, being difient, and yelling. Keep in mind he has done this for the past 8 years. I really felt bad for doing that, but tomorrow I am going to sit and try and talk to him about what his feelings were when this was going on!!! I want to try and make him understand that the teachers he hit yesterday were also upset, and sad for getting hit. I know two wrongs do not make a wright. I am just dying now for doing this because I sas the awfulness he was feeling through his eyes. My son was diagnoses with ADHD, PDD, and later with sensory intergration(sp) and now I feel he has but has not been diagnosed with fragile X syndrome. Today my poor son got a double whammy. From me and from his school. He was in in school suspension.
Dr. Phil what do you think, what else can I try? He does not have much to take away, because he breaks or loses things. TV, computer, and swimming goes too. Another question, His behavior is always the same, so does he go without having nothing all the time? Do I continue to ground him, take away pool, computer, and playing outside. What else can I do.
I grew up with spankings and in NO way did I ever think that my parents were abusing me. It upsets me when people see a child being disciplined that they automatically think “that child is being abused!” Spankings may not be for everyone but hey they worked on me. Time out might work for some children and spankings might work for children BUT one thing I am sure of when a child misbehaves they need to be disciplined whether it be spanking or non spanking.
I grew up with being spanked by my grandmother, aunty and mother when they thought i needed it …. i think its a way of teaching kids from right and wrong. to this day i have full respect for those women. In all kids should be disciplined when they need to be, these days kids are just running a muck, parents should take more contro and be there parents stop being the FRIEND!!
I believe when you disipline a child you should be firm & use time-outs or take away their favorite toys or computer games, but I don’t think you should spank the child. Yes, it’ll confuse the child but, parents will have a hard time teaching the child NOT to hit when they’re doing it themselves. I believe parents should put themselves in the child’s shoes sometimes, when they’re getting disiplined.
If the child says, “It’s not fair.” Tell them, “Life isn’t fair unless you listen to the rules of life.” “There’s rules wherever you go or do in life!” Which is true, so we just better deal with it & obey the rules or go to jail! Oh, Dr. Phil, what time does your shows come on & what station does your shows come on? You used to come on Station 2 at 3:00pm. But now I don’t know & I haven’t seen you on TV for a long time. I know you have something to do with ‘The Doctors’ TV Show. I like Dr. Stork, from that show & I watch it everyday!!
This one sparked a huge debate during my psychology doctorate program. I was not in the majority, but I was also 36, with 3 children, and a touch of experience. Most of the class said “No, it doesn’t work”. Most of the other students were in the early to mid twenties, and I would bet banking on what they’ve read, not what they’d experienced.
I was spanked growing up, not beaten. My dad was in the military, and I grew up expected to respond with a yes or no sir. It was all part of a program of respect. Here are the rules, here are the consequences. Your choice. Rules are rules (this sounds a little like “life”, doesn’t it).
I will tell you that I did not get spanked a lot. They didn’t have to. It wasn’t long before I realize that “a” went with “b”, and if I didn’t want “b”, then I’d better think twice before I pulled the trigger on “a”. My mom shared in the discipline process. It was a co-parenting approach, consistent, and fair. They simple did what they told me they would do.
I also think there is a psychological side to this issue. Brain development plays a part. There is a window of time in children where they can’t put cause and effect together. Early on, they can’t even conceptualize next week, let alone the permanency of say, death. So lets take a child who wants to run out from behind a car. Are you supposed to “reason” with them that it is dangerous, that they could get hurt or even killed? Give me a break.
Now pain, that’s a different story. That is immediate, and everyone knows we work toward pleasure and away from pain. So put “a” with “b”. You run out from behind this car, you get swatted. Leave my side, you get swatted. It is simplistic, and I would venture to say, more effective than trying to reason your child into understanding the dangers of making a mistake that could cost them life.
I do not believe in beating a child. How to draw the line between spanked and beaten is difficult. This is more a problem with parenting than say it is with effectiveness, or ethics.
I have worked with over 5500 teenagers in the last 10 years. Most of them have suffered from neglectful parents. Most all of them lacking respect for authority.
There is a nation wide problem with respect, and I don’t think anyone can argue that fact. We as parents have had our ability to discipline taken from us. We will get turned into “Family Services” if we touch our children. The children know this and if you think they don’t use that fact, you better wake up. It only takes one phone call to get Family Services involved in your life. And they are very powerful…and at times not fully educated. They WILL error to the side of safety, and will/have taken children out of homes pre-maturely. Who can blame them? What is the risk if they don’t?
We expect the schools to take the responsibility of disciplining and protecting our children. Our police forces are being trimmed. We have two income families, children/teens left alone during the day. Our extra-curricular programs are being dropped from school systems, leaving more “free time” (the nemsis of our problem) for larger numbers of teens. It is ridiculous, and some people are still walking around wondering why our youth is in the shape they’re in.
There have been some writings in the past few years about the “Twixters” generation. It is a large number of 19-28 year olds that don’t have careers, and who have boomaranged back into their parents home. I wonder if there is a correlation?
Not to spank.
There is no other part of our society where something like this is up for debate, and for good reason. When a friend, or loved one, has crossed a line with you, is it your first reaction to punch them in the face for “disrespecting” you? Maybe you want to, but ultimately we are taught better, and taught that violence solves nothing.
I have been on the other end of a “good whoopin’”, and I can say that it doesn’t make a child learn the lesson, not at all. In fact, I think it accomplishes just the opposite effect. My siblings, and I, got the belt all the time for lying, or talking back, but we still did it all the time. It never helped anything, we never grew a higher respect for our father. It all just turned into a fear. And wouldn’t you rather have a loving respectful relationship with your children, then have them fear you? That’s not to say let them walk all over you, and let them lie, or do what kids do, with out a punishment, but when the punishment is simply instilling fear into their already fragile minds, don’t you think it’s going to do more long term damage? I know it has for me and anyone I’ve seen spank, or whoop, their kids.
I have a friend who has three children, who are not very well behaved, and they spank their kids all the time. Yet everyday the kids are back to the same things they got beat for yesterday. Tell me, what lesson are they learning? It seems to me that they aren’t learning anything but to be afraid. To see a four year old flinch, and cry, just at the sight of a raised hand breaks my heart. That’s a terrible thing for a pre-schooler to feel.
How about trying something that wont screw with your kids head, or something that wont make them afraid? What happens in the real world when some one screws up, or lies? They get freedoms, and privileges taken away, they don’t get beat until they learn the lesson. First hand experience, I can say, that my freedoms and privileges being taken from me was the most effective punishment I’ve ever received. Why do you think that’s how it works as an adult? Probation, restriction, limitation! And people learn the lesson. Yeah, they are kids, and of course they need to know respect for the parent, or adult, BUT! There are other ways of accomplishing that.
Someone needs to step in with the couple that thinks it is ok to spank their sweet babies. In no way can it be justified for an adult to hit a child. They could be put in a few minutes of time out. But those babies cannot possibly understand how the 2 people that they love the most want to hurt them. Tell them to STOP!
Ok, so I enjoy your show and definitely respect (even if I don’t always agree with) your opinion on most things. However, your comment that “spanking lowers IQ” may be a bit off. No doubt that studies have been done to provoke your comment, but do these studies show a cause and effect (as you implied) or are they simply a correlation, in which case your statement is extraordinarily misleading. Perhaps if the latter explanation is correct, the children displaying a lower IQ are harder to discipline. Moreover, have the parents that spank their children been IQ-tested as well? Maybe they have an overall slightly lowered IQ, in which case they find justification for spanking as a means of discipline. Don’t get me wrong, I was spanked as a child and consider myself quite intelligent with multiple degrees and loving, intelligent parents. I don’t have children of my own, but am not opposed to all instances of spanking. However, I am disappointed in the over-simplified and possibly un-justified comment that you made on today’s show. If readers are interested in the “cause and effect” versus “correlation” phenomena, I encourage you to read the book “Freakonomics.” It is quite thought-provoking along the same line as statements like “spanking lowers IQ” that may be easily taken for granted as causation rather than correctly interpreted as correlation.
I think people are running away with the word “spanking” Get real parents and get a grip. (this includes you Dr. Phil) I have four children and each is different. Two of my children I was able to speak to and punish in time out but the other two need a swat now and then and I will not be made to feel bad about it or that I am ruining my children.
My children are about the best behaved, well mannered and the happiest kids I have EVER met.
As for the I.Q. topic the Dr. brought up….well I guess my daughter is the exception to that rule too. She got a swat growing up and still does if needed and she is always getting tested at her private school and still ranks 99.99% at her grade level in the country!!
So, you having two well mannered children does not give you the right to throw out only your views on the show.
Maybe that’s why I tend to change your show so often.
Not just this topic but others too. You seem to lose touch with reality a lot.
I use to toally believe in spankings because that was the way I was brought up the whole “Spare the rod spoil the child” thing, but watching your show today made a whole lot of sense to me and I’m done spanking my children. I hated it growing up and when I became a teen was very rebellious and am still resentful about it to this day, but my mom and dad were both brought up with spankings and abusive behaviours which carried down and I don’t want that for my kids. I didn’t know all the statistics that you had mentioned but am glad I know now, thanks for opening my eyes Dr. Phil!!!!
I have been watching Dr.Phil for years and when he says that there are alternatives to spanking I totally agree.Then hard part is implementing that when you have a 2 year old telling you that they are not going to do what you said or when they aren’t following the rules of the house.I do try very hard not to raise my voice but lately I find myself yelling to overwhelm the screaming of her tantrum in my face.I have taken a parenting class in the past and would recommend that to all parents.Not only will I try,I will not spank my daughter anymore.Thank you Dr.Phil.
Dr. Phil, I truly respect you and what you stand for as well as your opinion! However, to say that spanking fosters bad aggression and anger in children and is played out in adulthood is just plain wrong. It is a well known fact and played out in everyday life, that children who grow up with very little or no discipline at all grow up with a since of entitlement, they are selfish and self absorbed and just plain mean and unruly. I think the key is a balance, not abuse….those that put their children in time out or yell at them can be deemed abusive, depending on how far the parent takes it. I believe in spanking, when necessary, but I do not spank to hurt, that isn’t necessary, or my goal….but to spank out of love as a form of punishment or discipline to express the gravity of a certain behavior or action is absolutely necessary as well as to talk to a child before and after they’re spanked. If you are an abusive person/parent, no, you should not spank or hit your child in any form or fashion and you should never discipline when angry. But to say that spanking is abusive and causes long term negative aggression and fosters abuse is wrong and a form of calculated deception and undermining of biblical instruction. I think the research is so broad…30-60 percent, is because it is erroneous and contrived from those who were more than likely abused, neglected or mistreated by their parents or caregivers (loosely used). To me, what is really abusive is the parents who curse around as well as at their children, who demeans them, lies to them and fosters a sense of,” your better than anyone else” type of behavior and attitude as well as finding an excuse for bad behavior from your child, but looking at someone else’s child with that same type of behavior as unacceptable, unruly or just plain bad parenting.
This is one of the rare times that I do not agree. My 5-1/2 year old granddaughter is extremely smart. My daughter-in-law and son have used spanking, but only when talking and other things did not work. They have never yelled at her. They talk and reason with her. They give her choices. My ex husband & I fought our way through 21 yrs and all my kids got was a lot of anger in the home. When my son’s daughter was born he called a friend of mine and said that he would never raise his daughter the way he was raised. He asked that I not be told. Of course my friend told me. That was one of the proudest days of my life. I have been with my current husband for over 20 years now and we live a very peaceful life, for that I am so grateful. Getting back to my granddaughter, she is home schooled and is reading beyond a 1st grade level, she knows all the states in the US, she is doing math, when we are out she reads all the street signs, she has a desire to learn and asks questions all the time. I am quite sure that the spankings she got did not hamper her IQ. By the way, she has not had to be spanked for a long time. It did help. Her behavior has become 1,000 X better. She has become a very giving, loving, caring, gracious, non-spoiled little girl.
As a teacher and a parent of two grown boys, I agree completely with Dr. Phil: spanking is WRONG. It’s a betrayal of the love and trust a parent should have with her child. Using corporal punishment, in my opinion, shows a lack of intelligence and a lack of imagination. Guiding a child toward responsible behavior requires maturity, common sense and self-control on the part of the parent, plus some basic knowledge of child development; so many parents PUT their children in impossible situations (i.e. a long grocery shopping expedition with a 3 year old who is overdue for his nap) and then respond with a slap or a smack when their child misbehaves. We all know that children learn by example – what kind of example or model is a parent providing when s/he hits their defenseless child?
I have a 2 yr old daughter, I love her so much but I am guilty of losing my temper and yelling and spanking. I always feel bad after I know it is wrong and does not work at all therefore pointless. But I just didn’t know any other way of trying to get her to understand what she is doing is wrong but after seeing your show today I am definetly going to stop doing this to my daughter I love her and want her to grow up being a happy non-aggressive girl. Thank you=)
I belive that spanking todaty is certanly not a very good idea to use as a diciplin to a child. But I strongly belive that if you using your hand and not weapon (i.e belt, spacutla et cet) that it is not a child abuse. I remember that me and my sister were being spanked only when we realy did something bad (not doing our homework hitting eatch other severly). I once being spunked becouse I disturb my father sleaping. I learned from it that it is a no no to abuse someone the right to sleep and that is. but I use to think as a child that if someone driving your mad the only way of solving the problem is to hit him back. and this is the reason why I don’t belive in spunking, even if you have a very good reason. My parent had only this tools and they rarely used it. The problem was that Dr spock was for spanking and in he even direct a child on “how to spank your kid when he is noughty.
I wish Dr. Phil had given better information about the MANY studies that suggest that spanking has negative effects.
Spanking may increase short term compliance (and I’d want proof beyond anecdote), but other forms of discipline work better, longer, and with fewer negative effects.
For the record, I am a educator and a parent and in my experience, spanking is the fastest way to precipitate or extend a tantrum, not to end one.
I have 3 children and have spanked all of them at one time or another. My 2 oldest I believe I spanked because I was very young and was clueless on how to disipline my children. My youngest who is 3 I have spanked 1 time and I still feel bad about it. I don’t think children should be spanked at all. I think children should look at parents as safe, not someone who may strike out and hurt them. I absolutely do not think that a school should spank my kid in ANY situation. I don’t like the fact that the school my kids go to can do that.
Instead of focusing on spanking or not spanking, focus on the overall relationship with your children. You can nearly *always* find something positive to say about the child, or what they did. Don’t focus on the negative. Be gentle and loving, firm when needed. Outlast that child if need be. For every negative statement, you should find 10 positive statements to make (not literally, of course, I’m just saying you should praise them 10 times more than you correct them)
The more you focus on the positive and give as little attention as possible to the negative (I am NOT saying ignore it), the better your children will respond.
Michelle Duggar, mom of nineteen well behaved children, wrote a blog on this very topic recently and I thought it was wonderful. Someone asked if they spanked, and she instead chose to discuss how they parent their child positively keeping what consequences they receive private.
Check it out:
http://www.blogs.discovery.com/tlc-michelle-duggar-blog/
Mrs P
Short, sweet, and to the point : )
Children are innocent, defenseless, and should not be punished by inflicting pain on them! What is this teaching children? Sadness, confusion, and to hurt people. Just because your parents hurt you when you where a child does not mean you should do the same. Did you like it when you were hit as a child? No?! Then why do it to your precious child? You have the chance to change this. Patience and love is all they need to grow up with loving compassionate hearts.
If good is all they know, good is all they will do : )
Just a reminder…monsters create monsters.
That is what is wrong with kids today, they have no fear. If they go off and get in trouble big deal they might have to sit in time out for a little bit…so what….but if they know they are going to get a belt on their behinds they might just think twice about what they are doing!
In some cases, yes, I think that schools should have the right to paddle a child! THEY HAVE NO CONTROL IN THE SCHOOLS! Parents let the kids run the home and give kids way to many material things. Children need structure and they really want someone to watch over them. They will always try to push and see how far they can go. They are not old or mature enough to be head of the household. When I went to school we had a prayer in the mornings, blessed our food, and respected adults. Not any more! They took God out of schools and look what we have now! I hope the one percent of atheist are proud of the accomplishments this has brought on with killings, sex and God only knows what else goes on. Respect should be taught at home. Most parents do not want to take the time to raise a child in a proper manner. They would rather give in and give them material things instead. The word NO is not a bad word. It is not realistic to send them into the grown up world without knowing what NO means and they will have to comply with rules and regulations in the workforce and be able to decide what is right and what is wrong while in public. Law enforcement also has rules for all! What are the kids going to do about driving rules, or should we just let them run red lights, speed, not stop for a blue light just because they do not feel like it? Someone has to be responsible and teach right from wrong.
it is completely wrong to spank a child!!! everything Dr phil said was right!!! it is evil and completely wrong 2 spank a child. it just teaches them that if u get angry u can take it out with VIOLENCE WICH IS WRONG!!!! i remember when i was spanked it just brought me emotional and physical pain. how can the person who loves you hurt you!!!? its all WRONG!!!
MOLLY, aka pomegranate
Yes I believe in SPANKING a child, but it should be done correctly and in LOVE. It say’s in the BIBLE and I am quoting what GOD said in Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. And Proverbs 22:15 says Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Also says in Proverbs 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope , and let not thy soul spare for his crying . I could give lots more example’s like these of where it is important to (TRAIN UP A CHILD)( PROVERBS 22:6) This is how we as parent’s are to raise our children. People often wonder why they can’t make their kids mind or listen to them, this is partly the reason why because they are not corrected when they need to be and if it comes to spanking them , will not do it for fear of the law or just not knowing how to or not wanting to inflict a little pain on their butts. We as a Nation are suffering from the results of not SPANKING our children while they were young and had the chance to raise well behaved kids ,who are now trying to raise kids without disciplining them. And as DR Phil would say (HOW’S THAT WORKING FOR YA) I could go on for awhile about this subject but I won’t . YES I BELIEVE IN SPANKING A CHILD !!!!!!
I believe “Spare the rod, spoil the child” It should be obvious that these days of supersensitivity and overprotection of children is NOT working. My mother only spanked me once; my father spanked me often. To me a spanking is fine but NOT in anger! My husband was so good at this. First our child would get a good talking to and advised that a spanking was coming. there was a cool down period and the spanking did follow in time. A swat is nothing. We are too soft on children today and the result is children are undisciplined, spoiled, and out of control!
If it’s wrong for children to hit people, then it’s wrong for people to hit children. I’m not sure what all the debating is for. Wrong is wrong is wrong, right?
I absolutely am against spanking. All it does is teach children to be violent. People confuse punishment and discipline. Discipline comes from the word disciple which means “to teach”. What do you want to teach your children? Do you want to teach them to respect you or do you want to teach them to be afraid of you? Do you want to teach them that no matter what someone does wrong that you work through it or do you want to teach them to deal with problems through violence. You don’t have to hit someone to let them know they did something wrong. If I don’t like something that another adult does, do I have the right to walk up and smack them? NO, I would be arrested for assault and battery, yet people think it is okay to hit a child who is much smaller??????? As for spanking or paddling in schools, again, absolutely not! If someone would have laid a hand on my child when she was in school I would have had their job.
Dr. Phil, I can respect and understand the opinions given by you and your viewers.
I would like to try to shine a light on this topic by sharing my perspective on spanking, not to change minds, but to broaden peoples minds. Our lives, worlds, parenting, marriages, etc. were intended to be started and based on a Solid Foundation. Our country for example was started by our founding fathers with principles and laws set and based on just that, “one nation under God”. When you start to eliminate and take away our foundational principles, disorder and distruction begins, as it has. I believe that spanking is one of the discipline principles sometimes needed in order to instill in your children the required realization of consequences. Our children are our future, and we seem to have lost the importance of our God given responsablilities to instill this principle in our future generation. What we leave behind, our legacy, is our children, who in turn pass on the torch to theirs. Yes there are other preventive disciplinary tools, which work, and spanking isnt always the answer. Anything can be turned into abuse, whether physical, verbal, or emotional. How we use the tools given to us as people, can be the most important educational process. Weve given up on educating ourselves on the foundational principles given to us by God and others. Yes there is a Rulebook written for the life we live, and our responsabilities and duties as people is to learn how to enjoy the life we are given, and we can infect others with that joy. Make it a priority, however you chose to do it, to instill in our children, the importance of authoritative respect. It starts with us as parents, which then spills over to their teachers, law enforcement, etc. Demand for their respect, no exceptions, our children are in the images we set for our families.
Come on folks!! When parents had the ability to parent without fear of losing their children, and could spank them, we did not have over crowded prisons, children had respect for their parents, themselves and others, not to mention, they were happier children. Since the power shift, however, children are abusing their parents, and thats ok as long as we don’t defend ourselves. We have taught todays kids that they can get away with just about anything, because they know that they can just call child abuse hotline or the police. I’m not at all condoning abuse, we need to get back to basics. Take back our right to parent. Yes, spanking with love works. The idiot who decided that spanking was abusive, probably has children in prison!!!!
Dear Dr. Phil as a paeds nurse and mother of four blended children this topic instills a great deal of passion in me. So much so that I divorced my partner in this blended arrangement in part because he used both corp punishment and humiliation as forms of discipline. Actually pulling down the pants of my daughter and his step daughters to spank her at seven years of age.
I firmly beleive that corp punishment instills an attitude of indifference in children because violence is not an accetable form of communication at any level. It only serves to demonstrate how little control a large parent has over a small child. Corp punishment is a short term solution which over the long term robs a child of their dignity, self-respect, self-love, self-esteem and lowers their IQ. Who am I as a parent to covet an innocent child of these devine gifts.
My job as a parent is to demonstrate to the best of my ability, unconditional love. Unconditional love is the absence of fear. As in Corinthians 13, “Love is patient, and kind, is not envious nor does it boast. Love is not proud, rude, self seeking or easily angered. Love repels evil and rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always preseveres.”(paraphrased)
This next generation already has a heavy financial bounty on their heads due in part to our previous attitude that “power is love”, when in fact “love is power”. In other words, I want to teach my children esp in this generation that unconditonal love is the necessary power that is needed in order to participate in the act of co-creation. Lets face it, this generation will need all of their co-creative skills to deal with the world of problems their about to face.
If I’ve helped in some small way to teach these principles to my children than I’ve given my best to parenting and I am honored to have been given that opportunity. This is what I beleive.
Dr. Phil,
As a child born in Africa to missionary parents, and subsequently put in boarding school between ages 5-6, I say this: spanking is the worst, most damaging to self esteem, self worth, self image, terrifying mode of punishment. That said, at home for the 3 and a half months with our parents on the mission compound, spanking was also employed with the same results, betrayal, broken trust, fear of adults, all of them, deepest rage, confusion, grief, and more, including the additional abandonment at boarding school. I have suffered with such a terrible self image..it was and still is, at times, most harmful.
In those days, the mentality was to “train the child” in order to teach obedience to parent and to God..that is the way it was.
Now a gramma at age 62, I have struggled with related issues; in some ways I am still that Bad Child. Physical laying on of hands on a child’s body is , in my opinion, the worst, most un-thought out form of “discipline..” In fact.. if I have not made it clear enough, it is abuse, period.
Having written my story, I have found some clarity and some relief and healing, but I am not finished with my journey.
in case you are interested..my website is as follows:
http:www.missionarymyth.com
Thank you for listening, Viv
I have mis-typed the web site: it is as corrected below.
http://www.missionarymyth.com
how can anyone hurt something you created spoiled means love i was spanked i swear if anyone touch my children even if now they are grown they will answer to me
When I was quite young (I’m 52 now), my mother used to spank my hands to teach me not to touch things when out in public. I do remember the feeling of humiliation, but I think it went along with the feeling of being “caught” doing something I had been warned not to do. I did learn not to touch & I was a pretty well-behaved child, judging from the comments of other parents. I may have been spanked on the butt one time after I was a little older, for lying about something, but I really don’t remember, so it obviously didn’t affect me badly. I would say that my parents continual over-the-top “protection” of me did WAY more damage than any spanking ever could have. I wasn’t allowed to go to any parties at all, even throughout high school (girls-only public school) except for a few girls-only birthday/slumber parties. The reason was because my parents “didn’t know” the other kid’s parents. So I suggested they call them up & ask them over. I was told that was “not the way to do it”, then I was punished for being a smart-mouth. Well, the only people they knew were 2 neighbors & co-workers, most of whom didn’t have kids my age or lived out of our area, so that wasn’t about to work. My friends had to talk my parents into letting me attend my Senior Prom! Needless to say, I married my first boyfriend (the prom date) after getting pregnant. We were already planning our wedding, but nevertheless, I was a teenage, pregnant bride. Even more stereotypically, our marriage lasted exactly until the 7-year-itch phase, after our 2 children were born. ***I guess what I’m trying to say is, there are worse things than spanking. As long as disicipline is done in moderation by using common sense, that will give you the best results. I did spank my own children infrequently, almost exclusively when they put themselves in physical danger– running into the street, away from me in a store, or going to one friend’s house when they told me they were going to another’s (down the block, but still, I didn’t know where they were!). Both of my kids turned out a little more well- adjusted than I did. I hope.
My mom did the spanking yes @ times she took it to extreame. but I turned out fine I went on to join the navy served 8 years & have turned out fine. do parents take it to extreame yes I would say some do. does timeout work I dont see where it does because I watch kids today & how they speak to thier parents & if I had done that I would have been popped, kids have no respect for adults these days, & lie to schools if they get mad @ thier parents because they dont get thier way. there were no school shootings back when it was ok to “spank” a child there wasnt all this disrespect back then either. I say parents need to get hold of thier kids, watch,listen,inquire, & yes the occasional pop on the tail.
Even the Bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. Now that does not mean beat them of course. Lack of discipline is the root of all the lack of respect, getting away with hurting other young children, talking back to their parents, elders, and teachers. You cannot attend a movie, go shopping or out to eat without a mouthy brat shouting, cussing, or hitting mom. She does nothing. Can you imagine what this child is going to be like age 5, 8, 10, or 15? Someone for the rest of the world to put up with. Would you even think of visiting their home? Of course not. Now, some good parents do or want to give that child a swat on the behind, but a few years ago..some dumb guy thought that was wrong! Give me a break!! It makes you want to first give the child a swat and then the parent for allowing it. These children are not nice kids, and not nice to other kids either.
Yes, there are many kids even small ones who learn real fast that hitting, slapping, calling mom names in public will not get them in trouble. I cannot go to a movie, out to eat, buy groceries, be in a dentist, doctor’s waiting room without putting up with someone’s spoiled BRAT. Some of lowlife have definitely lost all control even with babies. BUT some parents are so ussed to it, it is no big deal. Then there are the other half. The ones who are so humiliated by their child’s actions, they can’t get out of the store fast enough. Imagine the chaos at home?? Do kids need a spank on their behind? Yes, long before they go to school. The lack of respect for their parents, elders, police, and school teachers is so ironic that it makes me sick. Yes, my kids got a spanking and not one of them has ever sassed me to this day. Also, my daughter used that method and my son will if necessary. I can count the times he has had to. He gives them plenty of warning and chances to stop what he does not want them doing. But they know he means it. Not this “o.k. I’ll give you 10 minutes to stop”. Right!
I too believe in spanking, when necessary. I was raised during an era when spankings were normal punishment and do not feel that I nor my peers were abused, but I do know that we all have respect for others, which seems to be lacking in today’s youth. My son got one spank, open handed on his butt, when he was 3 and throwing a temper tantrum and I never had to raise another hand to him. Today’s parents have lost their rights to parent their children and look at what is happening with the lack of respect that is so prevalent. Our society seems to lack common sense when it comes to government intervention and our pendulum needs to swing in the middle, more often than to the far right or far left. I am curious to find out if child abuse cases have dropped as a result of spankings now being considered abusive and when I say abuse cases, I am not talking a spanking.
I was spanked, not often, because I was not that type of kid. Every spanking I received was deserved. My parents loved me, clothed me, fed me and gave me EVERYTHING I needed and MOST things I wanted. They wanted a child and they wanted to raise her to be a contributing member of society. Today I am well-rounded, travel the world and live in a prestigious gated community.
Do I want a teacher spanking my kid? No. They can contact me and I will take care of that and I GURANTEE that teacher will NEVER have a problem with MY child again. However, I went to private schools and we received corporal punishment in the classroom. Am I scarred for life behind that? No.
The answer to this question is simple to me. If you don’t want to spank your kids. Don’t. But don’t stop me or tell me how to raise mine. A spanking is NOT abuse and we see the result of this unruly, disrespectful generation of children because they have NOT been properly raised or disciplined. Not ALL of them need to be spanked ALL of the time for EVERY little thing. But the “rod” will remain in my behavior correction tool box.
physical punishment in moderation is sometimes necessary. however, spanking can lead to anger and violence. kids of authoritarian style parenting can grow up with a bad relationship with their parents and grow up to raise their kids in similar ways
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD SPANK KIDS ! KIDS TODAY HAVE NO RESPECT THE SCHOOLS ANSWER IS TO PUT THEM ALL ON DRUGS WHEN I WAS A KID OUR PARENTS AND SCHOOL SPANKED OUR ASSES AND WE DIDNT HAVE THE PROBLEMS THAT WE HAVE NOW THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND THE FAMILY CIRCLE HAS BEEN BROKEN AND WE WILL ALL PAY A SAD HARD PRICE FOR THIS IN THE NEAR FUTURE WHEN I WAS A KID NEIGHBORS KNEW EACH OTHER NO ONE KNOWS ANYONE ANYMORE AND DONT CARE TOO WHATS GOING ON THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO BE RUNNING THINGS SOON THEN WHAT SPANK THERE BOTTOMS AND GET SOME RESPECT BACK