To Spank or Not to Spank?
On two of our shows this week, we have what I think, is an intelligent and thought-provoking debate about an age-old question: To spank or not to spank. Big question, and one that the answer to can have a profound and lasting impact on your child. I have seen surveys that tend to be split, with about half of parents believing if you spare the rod, you spoil the child, and the other half saying no way does it make sense to hit your kid.
Not one to waffle around on issues, I won’t hesitate to weigh in with my opinion: I believe spanking genuinely confuses children. I believe they think to themselves something like, ”OK, let me get this right. You are supposed to love me, nurture me and protect me from harm, and now you are standing there, five times my size, and hitting me and inflicting physical pain? Hmmm … I don’t get it.”
Will spanking suppress behavior in the short term? Yes. Does it teach a lesson that can be internalized and used later in the form of self-discipline? I don’t think so, and even if it does, it’s highly inefficient compared to other options. And is it really wise to teach children that hitting is OK?
I got spanked once, and I am still mad about it! HA! In the sixth grade, I snuck off to swim in a pond about 10 miles from our house in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. No supervision and lucky someone didn’t drown! When asked about it, I started to lie and deny doing it. Even though I was young, and based on my choices at the time, pretty stupid, I quickly realized, mid-lie, that I was standing there with bloodshot eyes and a good case of swimmer’s ear. It wouldn’t have taken MacGyver to figure out what I’d been doing, so I just ‘fessed up — not because it was the right thing, but because I was busted, and I knew it.
My father spanked me with a belt for sneaking off and swimming without supervision in an uncharted pond. Five minutes later, he came in and gave me a dollar to reward my decision to tell the truth. Now, a dollar to a poor kid circa 1961 was a lot of money, but let me tell you, I stood there and ripped that dollar bill into a million pieces so tiny you couldn’t even almost tell what it used to be! I “got” the stupidity of what I had done and didn’t need to be hit to solidify that knowledge. It wasn’t the physical pain, because honestly, it was a pretty wimpy and half-hearted whuppin’. It was the indignity of it and the sense of betrayal I felt. If anything, it made me feel righteous, defiant and rebellious (please hear chants of “ATTICA! ATTICA!” building in the background. HA!) I felt the relationship I thought we had was now, in my opinion, violated, which to my 12-year-old brain meant I owed him nothing going forward. It was every man for himself! (Sooo, I have the bias of personal experience, but I confessed it, so don’t hit me!)
On this week’s shows, however, I have some guests who strongly disagree with my opinions, as I bet many of you do. They insist that an occasional swat across the behind or even a good spanking is not anything close to a physical beating, and that it does indeed teach respect. Unfortunately, it often doesn’t stop with the swat or controlled spanking and can go too far.
So what do you think? Do you think you can get results with physical punishment? Does fear work, or does it backfire?
I’d like to hear all of your stories. Have you ever spanked your child? Do you think a teacher or school administrator has the right to paddle your child for misbehaving? What about a babysitter? And what methods of discipline would you use instead of spanking?
Tags: Children, discipline, punishment, spanking
Dear Dr. Phil
I have watched your show over the years since you have been on the air. I have respect for you andyour family.
I would like to talk about your shows on child discipline. I agree with discipline within reason. Such as:
Spanking – three swats on the but with your hand.
Sitting in a chair – five to fifteen minutes.
Stand in a corner – five to fifteen minutes.
Take things away – two to seven days.
All the shows I have seen are shows about discipline with no limits. Therefore some parents do not know how to discipline their kids and are learning how through the use of your show. Because of this I would assume that they do not know how to give praise either.
Raising children is not all about discipline. It is about being involved with what your children are interests are. Such as:
Baseball
Basketball
Wrestling
Gymnastics
Scouts
and many other things, alot more than I have mentioned. If it is something you know nothing about take the time to learn. Ask your children they are very glad to tell you. Work with coaches. Become assistants and most of all be present as often as possible. Do not blow them off. When your child comes home and wants to tell you they hit a home run or did something good a parent should get excited with the child. Give them high-fives, put their papers on the refridgerator and let them see you brag about them no matter what it is that they have done.
If your children come home with a B or C on their paper do not point out the negative, do the positive by praising them and put the paper on the refridgerator.
The bottom line is about listening to your child. Watch them, guide them, respect them and they will respect you, be there for them, teach them right from wrong, teach them to respect their elders and others, and most of all give children encouragement. It is not all about discipline.
I would like to see a show giving equal time for praise.
Thank You
Daniel
Im only 16, my father has his mind set in the “past” for punishments.
I have to say that i could go both ways, sure it did scare us to death that dad was coming down the stairs so we better shut up right away, all it was was fear, i didnt learn anything and now i think about this.. how am i ever gunna punish my children?
Becuase of this “spanking” i grew up thinking i had to get punished for the things i have done, every time i think i do something wrong i create self harm becuase he is not there to “punish” me anymore, and this is not a healthy thing to be doing, but is what i was taught.
i would like to say, my twin brother (as males normally do) got the worse of it.. and where is he now, in some correctional place, my older brother was taken away when he was 7, and my sister is complelty lost in life and doesnt kno what to do anymore.
Spanking your children is a stress reliefer for the parent, it is scaring your children becuz of the fear of getting hit, but what is gunna happen to your children when it becomes unappriate to hit them anymore… I’m not the only one.
I have both been spanked and beatin. So you really need to know the difference between the two. Spanking me was for me learn from my mistake but the beatens only made me hate my mom and Step-dad. At sixteen I was kicked out of my moms and was getting ready to raise a baby. If it had not been for the lessons and spankens I got I would have not made it. I now have two children of my own and said I would never treat them the way I was. I learned really quick that spanking them was the only way. They are now 13 and 11 and are both straight A students and love to have fun with mom. They have also told me that if I would have never spanked them they wouldn’t care today like they do. You all have to remember that children learn differently then others so what might work on one kid may not on the other. I also have two step-children 8 and 6 they on the other hand are very different and its been hard but I am learning. Neither one of them were disiplined at all EVER and now are suffering from that. They have had everything giving to them even the answers to their homework. We just got custody of them and its been fun their self-confidence is low as well as their independency. They believe that everything should be given to them on a silver platter. As parents we are to teach our children to our best of knowledge. We are to learn from our mistakes but if your mistakes are never pointed out or you never are held accountable for them then what good are they in life and what good are we as parents. It’s our responiblity to teach and raise them to our and their best so if we let things slide or go how good are we. Also we have to remember that we can not verbally or physically abuse them.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPANK A CHILD. IT HURT’S. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. MY HUSBAND SPANKED MY GIRLS AND IT MADE THEM MEAN. THEY ARE GROWN NOW. BUT THE SPANKINGS WERE NOT GOOD. IT DID NOT MAKE THEM GOOD PARENTS. THEY ARE MEAN JUST LIKE THEIR DAD WAS. I HAVE A LOT OF REGRETS. SINCERLY EILEEN BIST
O.K.
I AGREE TO ALL
I think too often, a parent will spank out of anger. This results in spanking much harder than intended. It is best not to be in the habit of spanking for this reason alone.
i grew up with screaming parents when i got a spanking it seemed more like a beating and i raised my two children the same way when i look back i could just cut my tongue out as i got older and grew spiritually i realized thats wrong then i would think how i felt when i’d get screamed at. i have good relationships with both children now but it’s been a battle and i have learned i had to use some tough love it was hard because i had guilt there that i had to ask forgiveness for. now i have a wonderful grandson and his mom and i both work at raising him right meaning i keep my mouth shut because i can say with confidence my daughter would never harm him. i can truly see the difference in him and my kids when they were being raised. i guess back in my parents day they just did’t know any better . one other thing i had to learn to keep my mouth shut on a lot of things.
People want a book. Guess what there is a book. THE HOLY BIBLE. What does the bible say?? If you believe any of it, then believe all of it. The Lord says to use the rod, it will not break their heads. It is as simple as that. The Lord says that children should obey their parents, that their days may be long on this earth, not so some little jolly old fat man in a red suit, will reward them for being good at the end of the year. STOP lying to the kids. Take them to Church and teach them the way they should go, according to God. Teach them that their blessings come from God and you through God. Stop rewarding bad behavior because you are tired of the whinning. There is a great difference between God ordered chastening and abuse. The world was a much better place when the whole village or neighborhood could raise a child.
I grew up with strict parenting, not abusive, but strict. My mother is from the Netherlands, and Europeans seem to be all around better mannered, as well as raise their children with a much better disciplining regiment. My father worked all the time; so my mother mostly did the disciplining, only on occasion did he step in, if my brother or myself were really bad. Which didn’t happen that often, since we were raised to behave well.
When it comes to spanking children, I’m 100% for it! I think there’s a huge difference between abusing your children, and disciplining them. Unfortunately, Americans seem to be extremely ignorant when it comes to raising their children, and it disgusts the hell out of me! I can’t stand it when I go to a nice restaurant, or even just a casual one, and someone’s child is behaving obviously obnoxious! It makes me want to step in and smack the kid myself! I think if the parent can’t raise their child to behave properly in public, they shouldn’t be allowed to take them out! Yes, it’s extreme, but no one has any consideration for others anymore, and I’m sick of it! Personally, it’s made me want to never have children of my own. It’s an unnecessary burden, and not one that I ever want. Even though I’d be a better parent than most people in this country, I’ve recently decided that I flat out don’t want any!
I got engaged one year ago, so it’s been a highly discussed subject. My fiancé wanted another child, he already has one from a previous marriage, but I’ve decided that it’s absolutely out of the question. We disagree on certain things about disciplining children, and I would never want to go through those arguments with my own child. Considering I can’t stand the arguments we already have about disciplining his daughter. We don’t disagree on everything with her, but some, and that’s enough for me to know that I don’t want a child.
The problem is, people think you’re some kind of mutant if you’re a woman, and you don’t want children. It’s like, because you’re female, you’re supposed to have one. But a stepdaughter is quite enough! And I must say, it hasn’t been easy. I’m 25 years old, and will be turning 26 this year, and she’s 15 turning 16 this year. Even though we get along well enough, it’s somewhat awkward when it comes to putting my foot down since we’re so close in age. The things she does are things I could have done or gone through not long ago, so I understand. But I’ve grown up, and for her mistakes or poor choices, she is punished. No questions asked. My fiancé works throughout the day during the week, so I’m here with her, and therefore, handle most of the punishing. My fiancé is informed, but has come to agree with my choices. The fact remains that I’m the adult in the household, and she has to listen to me. If she doesn’t like it, that’s too bad! For the most part, she’s a really good kid, luckily. But no kid is perfect, so discipline is always needed. And personally, I think it shows that you care. If you take the time to talk to the kid and explain why they’re being punished, then it shows that you care for their well-being. If you let them run a muck, then what do you care about them? Also, I don’t want to live in a pigsty, or with a rambunctious teenager, so it’s 100% needed! Since the only mother figure she’s ever had was her grandmother, and she’s not in the picture anymore, thankfully, she was raised with lass than perfect morals. At least from what I’ve come to know of the grandmother. My family is just a little more proper when it comes to manners, ethics and morals. So, I just have to try my best to instill what I can in the short amount of time I have left with her until she moves out.
Anyway, sorry for the extreme length of my comment, but I hope you all got the point of it. Children NEED discipline. They NEED to be taught manners. Americans need to stop letting their children run the house hold, and annoy others in public. If I spoke to my mother the way some of the children I see out in the world speaking to their mothers, I would have been thrown through a wall, without a second thought. And that’s exactly what some of these kids need to have happen to them! You don’t need a belt, you don’t even need to spank all the time, you need to stand up to your child, let them know who runs things, and never let there be a question about it!
If one day I change my mind, and decide to have a child, they won’t be running, ruining, or disrupting my happiness. They’ll do exactly what they’re told to do, and if they think they don’t have to, they’ll be in for a very big surprise! As for my soon to be step-daughter, she behaves well for now, but if that ever changes in her later teenage years, which let’s face it, could happen. She will very quickly learn that I will not EVER tolerate irresponsible behavior that causes problems in the home!
I’m sure I sound like a hard *ss, but it really burns my butt to see all these people raising problem children. For all the adults out there who think they don’t need to discipline their child, GROW UP ALREADY!!!! No one out there wants to listen to your kid scream through his or her meal! If you don’t know how to discipline your kid, then don’t have one, plain and simple! If you don’t know how to be a parent, then don’t be one. We really don’t’ need more people in this world to begin with. So if you can’t do the job right, don’t put yourself in a position to have the job in the first place! The world is over populated enough as it is, and the kids who will grow up to run this world, have a great disadvantage being raised as ignorantly as they are. Our country is a laughing stock to other countries as far as our children are concerned, and something really needs to be done about it. I’m actually ashamed to call myself an American when I go on vacation. It’s truly become an embarrassment!
I believe spanking a child for certain things is reasonable. If a two year old is sticking their hand up to the stove, it’s better to spank the child to relate the pain to the sticking their hand to the stove and doing other dangerous things, then tell them “no, u don’t do that” and so on, that makes sense, it’s better than some who let the child touch the stove and get burned, so they won’t touch it again. My father wasn’t a good father, but I can say that with me… not with my brother, he was very good w/his punishments. If I knew I had done something wrong, then I heard my father’s, who was a big guy, heavy footsteps coming down the hall, I was already scared enough not to ever make the mistake again, lol. I’m not saying ppl should spank their children all the time, but I am saying that it is a useful tool if used sparingly and for a certain age group of children.
For those that believe in spanking, I have questions. What are YOU feeling inside when you strike your child? What is it that YOU think you are teaching the child when you strike them? Do you think that your child has the same reasoning thought as you do at the time they are being spanked? A child who does not speak yet, cannot communicate yet, knows you are hurting them. A child old enough to speak and communicate with, do you think that this is the only way they will learn that you disapprove of their behavior/ actions?
To this day, I never put two and two together. My dad like to take his fear and frustrations out on me.
My brother took my toys (I was 6) . I went into his room and took them back. I got spanked for my brother taking my toys.
When I was 10, I got beat up at school and then I got spanked at home for fighting at school.
When I was 14 I skipped school to go see my grandma at the hospital. I was spanked for running away from home. I couldn’t sit down for 4 days.
When I was 11, my father asked me a question, I know he didn’t like my answer because I couldn’t sit down for 2 days.
I am now 47 and when my father asks me a question, I still flinch when i know he’s not going to like the answer. And I tend to hide my activities from him. Do you truly beleive your child is learning WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TEACH THEM THROUGH SPANKING THEM?
For the person speaking of “what does your child learn when you spank them?” Well, your parents obviously took it too far. I never couldn’t sit from a spanking, it was never a brutal act. You obviously are the one with the issues, and I’m going to assume you’ll pass the issues on. Those without a reasonable head on their shoulders, tends to pass on the unreasonable. So, I’m sure your children will never understand what the difference is between reasonable discaplin, and unreasonable discaplin. As I said in a past entry I made recently, there’s a huge difference between discaplin and abuse. At the age you were, getting spanked, when you were older, that’s wrong, and people should know that there’s a limit on when you have to not spank your kid, simply because they’re too old for it. At that point, they should know the difference between right and wrong, and know to respect you as a parent…that is if you did a good job raising them so far. I never disrespected my parents when they punished me for doing something wrong. Nor should your kids. A teenager is too old to spank, sorry I wasn’t specific before, I thought you people knew that already!
I agree with most of what you say dr. Phil…. except on this issue. I was abused by my father, but when I had children of my own I used spanking sparingly. But I used it…. My youngest son ran out in front of a car 3 times… the last time he got a spanking and never did it again…. the talking and time outs didn’t work…. The fact is life spanks you if you think about it….. if you climb a tree and are reckless about it, fall out of the tree… guess what you just got spanked…. sometimes talking and time outs don’t work…. some children have to find out by doing, unless there is a consequence they fear more.
I just want to say one thing.. I’m not against or for… I believe moderation in all aspects of life are good.. and that one thing may not work on one child as it does another… just have to me smart enough to know the difference… but there is one thing I would LOVE to point out.. I am a Christian and when people throw the Bible about “spare the rod spoil the child” as its ok to beat your children it makes me sick… doesn’t the Bible also say “the Lord is our shephard”? doesn’t shephards use their RODS to guide their sheep (arnt we the Lords sheep?) not to beat them up side the head? If we were beaten by Gods ROD would we still follow him in the right path? I believe in no matter what metthod you use that you should GUIDE your children in the right path not turn them away from it.. Thanks
Remember your DIRECTION determines your DESTINATION…
Dear Dr. Phil,
As a child my mother was the one who did the spanking in our family. To be frank, I never feared it nor did I think that it was a big deal as I’m sure it should have been. Whenever I was in the “red zone” of doing something wrong, my mom would warn me that she would spank me as a consequence to messing up. I used to just shrug my shoulders and thought to myself “EH! Its only a 5 second punshment anyways.” What I really feared more than a spanking was if my dad were to find out that I messed up, because then I knew I was in trouble.
As a consequence of doing something wrong, my dad would send me to my room and take out everything that would have killed the time I spent in my room grounded. Books, TVs, radios, magazines, everything GONE! All that would be left on my desk was a stack of notebook paper and a pen. My father would give us lectures as to what is that we did, how we messed up, who got hurt or could get hurt as a consequence of our actions, and how to prevent it from ever happening again. Then, to make sure we were paying attention, we would have to write a thurough essay stating all of the above. If we weren’t listening, the lenght of the essay would double. Let me tell you, as an 8 year old, extra homework is definitely punishment and way more effective than spanking.
Dr. Phil:
First off, let me start by saying I didn’t watch this show about spanking, but I’ve
watched other shows you’ve held on spanking in the past. I would like to ask you a question: Growing up, were you or your sibling ever spanked by your parents?.
Did you and Robin ever spank your boys?
I was born with cerebral palsy on the left side of my body (20% use of the left hand and arm, and about 90% use of the left leg and foot.) My mother
spanked both my brother and I when she felt we needed it. She would
take us into the bathroom, have us lean over the toilet, and we got spanked with a leather belt. My brother got spanked more often then I did, because
my mom was afraid of hurting me due to my handicap.
We received other “punishments” as well. Being sent up to our bed-
rooms, having to write “lines and/or sentences,” my mom telling our father what we did wrong, or making us go tell him ourselves. (If that doesn’t scare a kid, I
don’t know what would.)
Dear Dr. Phil -
I cannot believe how the world has changed over this issue. A spanking is not beating your child, nor should it be used in anger.
I was spanked as a child, was not scared of my parents and respected them.
I remember when I was seven, my parents sat both my brother and I down and told us we were too old to be spanked and would we from then on receive punishments instead. I thought at the time, great!!! The first punishment was taking my bike away. I wished at that time they would just have spanked me. The punishment would’ve been over in a minute. Now I had to wait a week to have the bike back.
Spanking should not be used in anger. And as I was taught you DO NOT spank more than three times in row. After that it would be anger and the discipline you are trying to install just ran out the door.
Also, spanking should not be used when you can succesffully communicate with the child so that they can understand what they have done wrong. When a toddler reaches to put something let’s say in a light socket, I do not believe it is time to discuss with them. I little pat on the hand or rear to shock them, this is something that is wrong is okay.
Any punishment should be followed up after a short while with love. A hug or something to let them know they are still loved, and no matter what they ever do, you will be there for them.
Hope this helps, speaking from one parent to another.
Ok…I have to remember to breathe as I write this. I was spanked and beaten as a child, as well as taunted and called names until I was 17 years old, when I finally left home. I’m in my late thirties and remember everything like it just happened. I’ve been in therapy for years. My self esteem, self image and perception are such that most days, I feel completely invisible and unworthy of even being. Do not mistake me, I don’t wish anyone to feel sorry for me, but to hear my message and please…PLEASE…do not beat, or spank your children.
I am also a teacher. I became this because in the midst of my misery as a child, school was a safe place to be. I decided early on that I never wanted to leave. I can tell you because of my personal experiences, I know what a child’s face looks like when there is something wrong. I have intervened three times with suicidal children, and I teach elementary. I see the pain, because I know the pain. I am so happy that I was there…and that in itself makes the pain I went through worth it….but even so, I wish with my entire being that it could’ve been different for me.
As an educator, in my state, spanking is illegal now. It wasn’t when I was little, I remember the paddle in the office with a hole in it. I never was spanked at school though. It hung on a wall. Anyway…parenting and teaching takes a tremendous amount of patience. There have been days when I’ve even taken my own time out because I felt myself becoming irritated or angry. CHILDREN in my opinion, along with animals are of the purest of spirits. They have a way of being that is innocent, but knowing. Honest but thoughtful. When you stop to take the time to get to know a child, look into their eyes and hearts, you know what their buy in is! There is never, NEVER a reason to hit them! EVER.
The argument I hear of late is that kids are becoming more disrespectful, we need to start spanking again. Well, I can assure you that there is no shortage of spankers so is it really that? Is that really why? As I said, I was abused and I went years without speaking to my parents. I never trusted them, I didn’t like them, and they never changed. I was a GOOD kid. I was the shy little girl who never wanted attention, and had a difficult time having a good time. It affects me every single day of my life. I have put off having kids of my own because I am afraid that if there is any of that in me, I don’t want to put a child through that. I STILL sleep with the covers over my head at night because for some reason it gives me some sense of a barrier because when I was a child, the covers would provide some, although meager protection for my bare legs against my Dad’s belt.
Dad always used the belt…and words. Mom used whatever was closest, a wooden paddle that used to be one of those paddles where a ball is attached…one of our toys…a hairbrush, her feet, and when I was 17, a wire coat hanger. If nothing else, her hand. She would strip us in public, sit on the dog food in front of the window in Safeway and spank our bare behind publicly. On the night I left, I was simply watching TV, she decided that it was my bedtime and turned off the TV. I turned it back on. She, having been doing laundry decided to beat the crap out of me with that wire hanger. Course at that age she really didn’t have much on me so I took her beating just to spite her, then I laughed at her and took the hanger from her. I didn’t hit her back. She’s my mother. I left. For good.
My point in telling this is that spanking does not beget respect. I do not respect my parents at all. My parents taught me nothing. Scratch that, they taught me exactly what NOT to be. I am who I am in spite of them, in direct rebellion towards them. I am good because they were not. But I suffer.
I don’t care if your child is 2, 3, 10 or 17, there is no need to place your hands on them other than in love. Why would I want my child to FEAR me????? I want them to respect me and be a model. How can I preach constructive, responsible behavior while modeling violence? Put them in time out, or tell them you want to ’start over.’ Let the child scream…who cares?! So what if it gets on your nerves, you WILL learn to tune it out…and they DO calm down, and they 9 times out of 10 will come to you when time is up, and apologize. That is when you ACCEPT the apology and maybe guide them in making better choices. Ask THEM…
“What do you think you could’ve done differently?” “How can we fix this?” ” Do you know WHY you were in time out?” YOU are the adult here. YOU are in control as long as you let yourself be. Put yourself in time out…make that decision before you spank a child. They are learning by what YOU do. I will end this with one of my favorite quotes that I find very powerful…and reminds us that parents are the number one role model a child will ever have, and there is huge responsibility in that. Live up to it.
“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”
See this is why I often respond without reading prior comments. For someone to say that because you were spanked and you disagree with it, in absolutely NO WAY that this guarantees you will abuse. YES…it happens, but not always and what an ignorant thing to say. Ignorant as in not knowing, not as in you are stupid. I was abused, and both my sisters and brother were abused. They have all gone on to have families and children and do not abuse. Somewhere it was innate in us that we knew better. For all intents and purposes because I have ‘issues’ if I have children I am GOING to beat them. WHAT???!!! That doesn’t even make any sense…the person you replied to is AGAINST spanking and you retorted with oh well because you were spanked, you will spank. How illogical! Both my sisters’ have their own businesses, and my brother a successful accountant…and I chose to use what I knew by teaching. So, no, not all of us ‘pass it on’ as you suggest. Thank GOD some of us have infused morality and see children as the beautiful things they are!
And…to respond to another….even in dangerous situations and you want to frighten your child into never doing something again….just as when you’re training a pet (I realize children are not animals, but the principal of conditioning is the same) you don’t need to spank them. If you want them to be frightened, ACT frightened. Just like when a toddler takes a tumble…if it’s no big deal, and he simply lands on his bottom and there is no injury, you don’t need to gasp and run over and coddle him…BUT if they do run into traffic (My neice did this when she was little) then show them what it’s like to be terrified. They don’t want Mom or Dad to be terrified! And here is my ultimate question…WHY is your child running into traffic? Where were you?
I don’t have children yet, so I honestly don’t know if I’d spank them or not. I use to think I would, but now I’m not so sure.
I’m lucky I come from a great family with two parents who are still together after 33 years of marriage and a younger sister who’s my best friend. Dad was born in Germany during WWII. His father was a POW and was very strict with my Dad and his five other brothers and sisters. Dad was totally different with us, when we did something wrong he’d pretend to be angry and chase us around the room with a wooden stick threatening to use it, but he did it in play and he never used it. After a while we would never take him seriously and we got away with a lot.
My Mum was different, her punishment style was lecturing us and making us feel guilty about what we had done by telling us how it made her feel and that she was disappointed in us. Those lectures would go on for days sometimes, so we’d tune out after awhile, but we would try to be good to avoid those lectures. I only remember getting smacked once by my Mum and I remember her being really really anger like I’d pushed her to the limit. I always felt I could talk to both my parents about anything and I knew when I’d done something wrong.
I think the answer is consistency, come up with a form of punishment like sitting them in the corner or taking away something they enjoy for a period of time. Children need to know when they have done something wrong and deserve a lot of praise when they are doing well. You don’t necessarily need to smack, but I’ve seem a lot of parents ignore bad behaviour because they don’t want to hurt the child’s feelings. These children walk all over them and have no respect for any authority. I’d rather punish my children when they are young so they learn right from wrong rather than them going up to do the wrong thing and the legal system having to do the punishment.
I totally disagree with spanking!
I think it has nothing to do with getting respect, you’re just making your kids scared of you. In my opinion you can better take stuff from the kid(like toys they love to play with)for a period of time, or don’t let them watch television or play games for a couple of days(depending on the childs age), i think that at the same time you learn your kid that good behaviour is being rewarded(with not taking stuff etc).
I do agree that putting them in the corner or a chair for a few minutes(also depending on the childs age)is a proper punishment, BUT not when people are going to put the child on the stairs etc for hours(like i once saw in a show)!
I live in New Zealand and have so all my life, infact, I havn’t even been out of this country yet.
Anywho, Dr Phil, your show is great, and so inspiring.
I’m 19 years old and 31 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, I’m going to become a solo mother so discipline will be a struggle for me and I’m totally aware of that, however, I was sometimes smacked as a child, and people do this in my family also.
But I’m going to try something different with my daughter, I believe that discipline starts right from day ONE.
Such as, getting your newborn in a strict routine for feeding, sleeping, bathing etc and of course spending lots of bonding time with your little one.
When my daughter does things she’s not allowed to do, I will NOT yell at her, I will walk over to her, bend down and get on her level eye to eye, and calmly explain why she is not allowed to do this and please don’t do it again.
I will set up a discipline chart when she is old enough to understand, a bedtime chart, for example, if her bedtime is 7pm, her gold star will sit and 7pm on her chart, when she misbehaves for doesn’t do things when asked, her bedtime will move down an hour, however, she may do chores to earn her time back.
I believe that could possibly be a great idea for discipline and I think it’s so important not to yell at your children, I remember clearly my feelings when my parents yelled at me, i’m 19 years old so it wasn’t long ago.
I was hurt and it made me even more angry, I used to get angry and slam my bedroom door or say a swear word to my parents and I’d get a smack.
Smacking make’s it WORSE.
Not for all, but for most, and the minute you first smack your child thats a risk your taking because your child will either go in two directions about this, they will either understand why they’ve been smacked and apologise and not do it again (which is pretty rare) OR they will get even more angry and do more to upset the parent.
The more love and time we put into our children, the more positive attention we give, they’re likely not to crave the attention from us therefore they probably won’t seek our attention by being naughty.
I remember asking my parents to play a game with me sometimes and they were too busy, and I’d hardly had any time with them all day so I’d get upset and be naughty and then get the yucky attention.
Smacking is the wrong option I believe, it shows anger and a form of violence, it’s simply just not okay.
in response to Nicole G.
You are right, Before Dr Phil Season 2, I had a lot of issues. But spanking was not one of them. My daughter is now 16. I have never spanked her. I found other methods of discipline, (see currency in Family First) which I have been blessed is rarely needed. I was just simply asking a question. The example of
My brother took my toys (I was 6) . I went into his room and took them back. I got spanked for my brother taking my toys.
That is how i remembered it. Reality is I was spanked for entering his room after I was told not to.
My father to this day is violent. I am still afraid of him. But I, like 1000’s of other people was blessed to have Dr Phil enter my life. Between him and God, I am a great parent. And I have taught my child to respect herself as well as others. I truly am blessed.
But in my case, as a young person, I did not connect the dots the way my parent did. The lesson he was trying to teach me was blurred by his actions.
I am glad you have boundries when you spank your child.
But my questions still stand.
Be loved and be blessed. And thank you for your comments. It gave me a chance to emphacize my point for me.
Spanking is a lazy way to parent. If you must hit, then you do not have the patience or ability to be an effective parent. In short, if you are spanking, you require some assistance (parenting groups, psychotherapy, Supernanny
.
Also consider the fact that your little one will be big one day. Are you going to smack them around when they are 6′5″ 200lbs? Is this how you are going to communicate with your teenager? Good luck with that. You are in for a big surprise.
The Pansy Effect:
I have found that the abuser changes their strategy when the child is twice their size. It is amusing (to me) when I hear that the abuser has “changed”, or “manages their anger better now”, or “grandpa used to hit, but he stopped years ago, he has worked so hard to control his anger”.
I would wager that grandpa is not managing anything. Therefore, if you were to put him in a room with a small child they would magically revert to their previous state of immaturity.
Bullies beware! Kids grow up, and they will remember your irresponsible behavior.
I just want to say that you can go to jail even if you are a retiree. Your grey hair won’t save you if you abuse children. Your reputation in the community won’t save you. The excuse that you turned out to be a great person doesn’t fly in a court of law. If you like to hit chidren, then you are not as mature or wise as you may think that you are. You are in fact quite sick, so get some help.
Thank you,
I believe that spanking does have a place in the discipline of the child. That being said, I agree with the other posters. It should never be done in anger, and done by hand.
In the case of my kids, I only spank them when the act they committed endangered their selves, a play mate, or both. Even then … I only do it with the tips of my fingers. I do not spank out of anger. I do not spank to cause pain. I do spank in order to get across the severity of what the child has done.
When I do not spank them, but still need to punish them … grounding works well.
Wow there is a lot of anger in these comments and it is relevant that it comes from most of the people who advocate spanking. Wonder what we can deduce from that.
When my children were smaller, as an inexperienced Mum, I thought that a spanking was a good discipline tool. I have grown up children now who spank their children.
Eighteen years ago I became a Foster Carer and using physical discipline on Foster children is not allowed in our Country. I had to do a lot of study at alternative ways to discipline and I can say quite strongly that you do not have to hit a child to have well mannered, confident and well adjusted adolescent/teenager.
My preferred age group for children was babies and 49 little ones have spent various amounts of time with me. Some for just a few months, mostly for a few years until reunified with their parents or moved onto to permanent Foster Carers and I raised 7 from infancy to late teenage-hood and all but one has been an absolute joy.
Calm, assertive, consistant non-physical consequences do work if you are prepared to put in the training, time and effort. Acting instead of re-acting, ignoring silly stuff, being reasonable in your expectations of the child and giving your time to yur children all combine to make happy children and hey, here’s a light bulb moment, happy content children rarely misbehave, they need to.
If this type of parenting brings such good results with children in care, children who live with rejection, abandonment and other soul destroying stuff, what can it do for children in average families.
Ask yourself this one question: Do you want your child to grow up as a self-disciplined person or a person who has had discipline forced on them. Non-physical discipline helps raise self confident, self disciplined adults. Physical discipline raises angry controlled adults much like Nicole G. above.
Would we tolerate our daughters marrying men who thought it was permissible to use the wooden spoon on them if they mess up? Seriously, is it okay for husbands and wives to use corporal punishment on each other when they do something wrong? I am a devout Christian who used the wooden spoon on my children. Years later as I have learned that Jesus came to clarify all the Law and the Commands of God, I realize now that Jesus would never tolerate anyone hitting anyone else. Recall Peter cutting off the ear of a man? Let’s be careful taking a verse about a “rod” and saying the truth of Jesus Christ says we are to punish and discipline our children by hitting or striking them.
If we really believe Jesus is who he says He is and we call ourselves followers of Him, then we should take a good look at how He walked and talked on earth. Striking children? Seriously??? Teaching anyone that corporal punishment was the solution for any problem? No way. Jesus responded by sitting down and taking the children on His lap. He spent time with them as well as adults, talking and listening to them. The spoon is quick, but it only teaches how to deepen anger and also that it is okay for children to hit each other. It will not only hurt the child, but it will damage us in the process. If you don’t believe this, read Jesus’ words where He cautions us about our own consequences if we do anything to cause a child to sin by our example. There is something about a millstone and being thrown into a lake that makes me want to take the time it takes to teach a child (and now my grandchildren) how we are to really treat each other … and it requires a whole lot of TIME and LOVE and CONSEQUENCES that do not include anger or physical pain.
I do not believe spanking is the answer, no matter what. I was hit as a child. Did nothing but make me believe I wasn’t good enough for anything or anybody. Still feel that way at 58.
As a child growing up in the 50-late 60’s I was spanked for all that I did wrong. I grew up with no confidence in myself and much worse..no knowledge of how to communicate!
Years later, married and 2 boys, yes spanking them as they grew up in the late 70’s was accetable and the “norm”. Then I gave birth to a very strong willed daughter (so very proud of her for pointing this out to me, bless her pea pickin’ heart), spanking doesn’t work! Why? Kids shut you out when you yell or spank. you have no communication with your child which is the MOST important form of raising you kids to be their own person, build independent thinking so they can make the right decisions on their own. I want NO less for my children than I want for myself as an individual..pride, confidence, strength.
Once when i was six years old my mother had a friend Anita over who had brought cookies. Anita was that kind of woman that was always very friendly and caring. And after eating some cookies I wanted one more. So I reached for the cookies and my mother said: No. No more cookies. I looked at Anita and she seemed to nod at me and tell me that its ok, you can have another one. And I didnt understand why my mother would say that I couldnt have another cookie, since there were still plenty left. So I looked at my mother and reached for another cookie even if she had said no before. I didnt really trust her no and didnt understand her no. And then my mother slapped my hand before reaching the cookies.
To the ones out there that have been spanked or truly abused during your childhood this would probably be the smallest silliest thing ever. But to me it was and awful experience. Not something that has shaped who I am, of course not. But I will never forget the feelings of shame that overwhelmed me, and also the feelings of unfairness and confusion within me. I got so angry and disappointed with my mother even if I didnt show or say anything about it. I just sat quitly trying not to start crying. I felt like I was big girl, but then and there she made me feel like a baby again.
Today I am a mother with a child who is nine years old. Just as my mother never spanked me I have never spanked my daughter. I know the feelings a child can evoke within you. I have felt the anger and mostly the fear that builds within when your child doesnt listen to you. And sometimes I have lost it and have screamed at her.. but I have never hit her. Especially during a period when she was four-five years old she had attitudeproblems like the worst teenager, but we made it through and now she is the most loving respectful child again. How we made it through? We talked alot. After our fights. I apoldgized for me raising my voice, and explained that as an adult and parent i shouldnt do that. And she apoligized for her attitued and disrespectful behaviour. And then we worked out a system where If i felt that she was starting to built an attitude and not listen to me, I would say to her: Think now about what you are doing. And on the same page she would say to me when I began to raise my voice and become scarey: mama, please think about what you are doing. That way we helped each other to gain control over the situations before we got real angry at each other. Instead we opened up for communication.
When my daughter was younger I also practiced withdrawing things from her. I would never take something that was really precious.. like her doll or teddybear, because that kind of transitional objects I believe are holy to a child. But I would take toys that she really likes and keep them for 2 – 5 days. And if she behaved well she could have them back. AND I WOULD ALWAY COMMUNICATE CAREFULLY SO AS I FIRST WARNED HER THAT IF SHE DIDNT STOP HER BEHAVIOUR I WOULD TAKE THIS THING FROM HER. IF SHE THEN CHOICE TO CONTINUE AND DIDNT LISTEN THEN I WOULD TAKE THE THINK WHILE EXPLAINING WHY I DID WHAT I DID. And if she still would continue I would again explain that I would take something else, and if she still didnt listen I would take one more thing. One time I filled a whole cardboardmovingbox with her toys before she got it. But that also became a turningpoint in her behaviour.
My daughter has a classmate, one classmate that i know has been hit and verbally abused in his home since he was a small child. I come from Sweden and here generally noone hits or spanks their chldren anymore. That boy is a true problemchild in school. And I feel truly sorry for him. Of course its an inidividual case and his problem are multidimensional and can not only be arrived from that he has been spanked.
I dont understand why anyone would want to raise a child with the incentment of fear. When someone spanks a child, to me its a way of transferring ones own fear of failing as a parent, of not doing a good enough job, as being afraid to loose control over ones child, that makes a parent spank.
Just like in adult who hits. I believe that hitting and spanking is something that is used when there are no words. If you dont have any words, if you are afraid or loosing power and control, then it is easier to hit. I believe that in many cases its your own feeling of powerlessness and fright that you transfer to your child. In many cases spanking is more about releaving your own feelings than learning your child something valuable.
Since I am from Sweden and spanking children here is very rare and very illegal, I dont really understand the discussion you have in the USA about childspanking. I dont really understand how anyone can advocate this form of bringing up any child. I believe there is a big misconception about notspanking being the same as spoiling or not setting limits. Being a good parent who sets limits and learn their children action-consequences, has got nothing to do with spanking. If you can discipline your child respectfully through communication and love but with strict borders, than you build a child that will view him/herself as someone who deserves respect and love. Deserves to be listened to but knows that his/her parents have the final word.
Jan Coetze wrote a book with some biographical contents about a boy in southafrica who hated his parents because they never had spanked him. This was in a context though where children frequently got spanked in school and at their homes. His argument for the hate was that since everyone else in this culture used spanking and had been spanked he was different and had an unreasonable fear for coming in a situation where he perhaps might be spanked. THis I just added because to me it is an interesting thought. Bringing up a child means preparing them for life in the best way possible. And what is the best for one child depends on that individual child and the context in which the upbringing takes place. I cant help but add though that Coetze grew up to be a nobelprizewinner.
child spanking should not be allowed at all spanking would just make the child feel more unloved unwanted like he/she is invisible spanking should be illegal because it makes the child look at the world differently if no one sees it my way and thinks different how would you feel if you were hit debate from Mc Elhainney middle
I live in NZ and it is now illegal here to strike your child for the purposes of discipline. (You can still use physical force on your child if it is deemed necessary for their or someone else’s safety). There has been a very mixed response here to the law, with a large number of people not supporting it. I do support the law. For one thing, for years it was illegal in New Zealand to hit an animal but okay to hit a child, which seems like a crazy double standard to me. I agree with Dr Phil’s opinion that it is confusing to children. How can you tell children to respect others and not hit other people when you are hitting them.
Besides all this, the law is not actually there to punish good parents. The government has stated it will not actually convict a parent using minimal force when disciplining their children. The law is more about having a zero tolerance starting point so that the courts have the right to prosecute where they see fit without having to justify that forced used was ‘too much’ as this is such a subjective issue. There are too many instances of child abuse in New Zealand and this law is designed at giving the courts a good weapon in dealing with serious child abuse issues.
I did a psychology degree at university and one of my lecturers specialised in child abuse and family issues and had often been an ‘expert witness’ in child abuse cases. He wrote a paper to the courts to support this law because of instances he had seen where the greyness of the term ‘reasonable force’ meant that someone guilty of quite severe child abuse actually went free. Many of the other faculty members signed this paper also, and I figure if people working day in, day out in the idustry think this law is necessary then it probably is.
A voluntary public referendum was held to try and get the law changed back, and the result was about 75% for having it changed back to allow physical discipline. People said that if the majority wanted it, then it should be so, but I believe at one time the majority wanted slavery to stay in place, and the majority didn’t want woman or black people to have the vote – that didn’t make it right, and we now could not imagine the law being any other way.
There was much violence in my home when I grew up, both against my mother and myself and my siblings. I don’t believe that I confuse physical discipline with extreme abuse, but I do think they are both wrong.
My son is 5. As a family, we are approaching discipline with a tit for tat system.
If he is disrespectful (not listening, excessive yelling indoors, spitting, etc) he gets a time out.
If he is destructive (throws a toy, breaks something, etc) then he loses the toy or a priviledge related to the incident.
If he is agressively mean and hurts someone (bites, etc) then he gets a spanking.
The message we try to convey with a spanking is that “Ouch! is not something people like very much. Don’t you agree?”.
It’s about helping him to understand what the person he hurt is ‘feeling’. Enduring a little pain himself is something he understood on a much deeper level than plain old words seemed to provide.
When parents spank their kids for every little thing they do wrong, or do it out of anger, or to cause fear and label it ‘respect’, then I strongly disagree with it. However, as you can see, I think there are times when it can be appropriate.
hey dr. phil,
i have a serious question..
When things get real serious at people’s house, like things don’t work out with parents, financiely ,but it isn’t in america, but in an other country, are you prepared to help that people too?
Sincerely yours,
Rowen Marsman
Hengelo, The Netherlands.
Hi! I am from Norway, and here we can not spank ouer children. It ia against the law. And what will the children learn from the spanking? – Yes, they will learn that it is ok to spank other people.
Dear Dr Phil,
Since I have retired I have been watching your show. Pls tell me why at your introduction the background music has to be so loud ?? It is not distracting to say the least, it is quite ofton hard to hear your comments.
On smacking my wife and I were smacked and taught respect and discilpline to grow up into responsible Human Beings! What have we today? Kids out of control all over the world because smacking “begets violence ” WHAT UTTER ROT.!
Not to spank. you are an adult there are more ways.examine yourself!.
I am 45 now and i suffered the consequences to be spanked when I was little in lack of self steem, emotional distance to my parents, and searcher of rude persons in my closets relationships. I was phisically raped and emotionally abused by others. Recently I found out that I had not learned to protect myself or stop abusive behaviors from people; hiding and no protecting myself in jobs (abusive boses, coworkers) , marriage (which ended with an emotional abusive man). I did not grew with self confidence. All this has been a price too high I had to pay for being spanked since I was a little girl, my parents aspanked even if a glass was broken.
Maria Carolina Blanco / Caracas Venezuela/ follow Dr Phil thru cable a.net and fox
Thank you for being there.
By the way is not only because it is against the law it is because is another human being with human rights. imagine if you go to jail and the guardians spank you….
it is a mater to understand it is a wrong behavior children belong to themself to their life aprents are to guide, to orientate not to take justice in their hands.
I have read some of the blogs here and I have been spanked out of anger alot of the times from my mother, although I believe that in some cases children do need to be spanked but only to a certain age like when a toddler touches something that could harm them a little smack on the hand is more rememberable then just words. Also when you disclipline it should be done with love everything that us as mothers do should be out of love and explained to our little ones…I am a single mother of eight children i love them all.
Spanking worked very well for me as a child, it has worked well for my two girls and its working well for my grandchildren by their parents. Although its not excessive and its not needed on every child, it is a great tool in the art of discipline. I do believe however that it depends on the parent and how they handle other areas of a child’s life. Like you, Dr. Phil, you obviously were a rebellious child and would have been regardless of whether or not you got a spanking. Case in point…..Look where you are today…..you couldn’t be there had you been shy and meek. So to me spanking is fine. Beating or embarassment to a child is not and is a totally different show. Those of us who have raised our children and spanked would be hard pressed to buy into the theory of “Spanking is Bad”. jmo
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in the 23rd Psalm we read, “Your rod and your staff comfort me.” We may rightfully assume that the rod of a shepherd is at least similar in type and use to that in the proverb that was mentioned earlier…spare the rod, spoil the child. it can also refer to the word of God being the iron rod. I can not accept that God is telling us to hit his precious child with a rod for heaven sake!
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve heard variations of this proverb used by both clergy and laity alike to justify corporal punishment, but the use of the rod by shepherds did not generally include beating the sheep. The fact is, the rod and staff were the two implements utilized by professional shepherds of the day. The staff, which we are most familiar with, has a “crook” or “hook” on the end which was used to stop running sheep, help pull sheep up from rocky places when they’d fallen over, and so on. The rod was used when corralling the sheep to insure they went in the direction they were supposed to go. It wasn’t used to prod or poke, but to direct along the length of the shaft.
Children are no less valuable than sheep, and they learn better too! If a sheep is consistency directed, that is limited and taught, they will learn what is expected and generally conform. However, if they are beaten and broken they not only stop responding, but they look for every opportunity to escape–even when escape may mean grave danger.
To “spare the rod” is indicative of a parent who does not discipline their child, that is, to teach, guide, and direct. This is the parent who “hates their child.”as refered to in Proverbs 13:24 which reads, “Those who spare the rod, hate their children, but the one who loves their child disciplines them diligently.” To spare the rod doesn’t mean a parent should hit or beat down their children into submission, rather they are to be like shepherds who value and care for their charges and keep them from danger by using the tools of good parenting to teach responsible behavior and appropriate morality in line with the teachings of the word of God.
I do believe in spanking, BUT it is not the only way to discipline and should be used as an extreme last resort. Was I spanked, no, but my siblings were, well at least threatened with THE BELT. I use the typical discipline tactics, time outs, etc. BUT, sometimes they do not work. I have 3 kids, 2 girls and 1 boy. You can imagine who caused the uproar–the boy. Well, he would not listen or follow rules. He has the attitude of someone else will do it….he went to preschool in pull ups being too lazy to use the toilet, he still can tie his shoes properly. He just won’t do things, clean room, homework etc. When he was younger and would get out of control and yell and scream or do something dangerous spanking was the last resort. I am not condoning beating the kid, but a whap on the tush did the trick. He knew I was not kidding at that point. Is he scared of me…no. I would no spank a kid who is old enough to know better, depends on the kid,probably 4 or 5 ish. After that they can think right or wrong, punishment or not.
I would like to see a study of kids in regards to this and their lazy attitudes. the 80 babies syndrome, I like to call it. That is when the time outs started and those kids IMO are lazy, protected, mooches, entitled, and just not productive. Is it socitey, maybe. but,all my friends had jobs at 16, paid for gas and car insurance, movies etc. Nowadays they are handed everything…mine won’t.
I am doing a reasearch paper for school on spanking. In my findings I have discovered that there are pros and cons. My question is this. Are the young children of today’s society the way they are because we have made issues with spanking. Many years ago schools were allowed to swat children. Now they are not. Has taken the paddle away in some way caused children to act out more? Has this given the children more power? Has calling spanking abuse given children more power over their parents? Has making spanking such an issue caused more harm than good? There is a saying “if it is not broken don’t fix it.” Could it be possible that when it comes to spanking that maybe we had it right in the past and now that we have made changes we made it worse. I almost wonder if the person who started the big whopla on spanking still feels the same way now?
Well , all I have to say is in New Zealand , where I live, its illegal now to smack , unless the child is in danger or close to endangering others .
Its a criminal offence
Unsurprisingly , its caused a LOT of controversy
People used to think it was necessary to “spank” adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual battery if a person over the age of 18 is “spanked”, but only if over the age of 18.
For one thing, because the buttocks are so close to the sex organs and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, striking them can trigger powerful and involuntary sexual stimulus in some people. There are numerous physiological ways in which it can be sexually abusive, but I won’t list them all here. One can use the resources I’ve posted if they want to learn more. All materials listed may be accessed at the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at http://www.nospank.net.
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering (euphemistically labeled “spanking”,”swatting”,”switching”,”smacking”, “paddling”,or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like “Supernanny” are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn’t a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional or intentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at http://www.nospank.net.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn’t a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches’ Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus’ Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
i grew-up being spanked,when i turned 14, the spankings quit. i spanked my three kids.. they learned right from wrong.
i have 3 grandkids 1 is spanked when needed, the other 2 are rotten.
you can whip kids but beating is wrong. kids today have no respect for anyone.
they feel that they are owed everything.
Hi Dr Phil
im a 17 year old student and recently the issue on spanking a child has come to my attention.
Yes many will believe im too young to know what im talking about but im a child who was smacked and i always understood why i was smacked. My mother would explain to me after a short time out after the smack. I believe smacking has done no harm to me. You say that the child doesn’t understand and they are confused i do not think this is true. Yes maybe some do but a lot of children relized that they have done wrong. If i was doing something bad talking to me wasn’t going to work i hardly listened as a child and time outs and a small smack on my bottom was away for mum to say stop, you cannot do this.
At the moment im doing research for a school report and so many think thats its ok to smack children on the bottom. But a lot of people, like you, believe its wrong. This is what i don’t understand. How can so many generations go through this and come out ok and now everyone is saying that it is wrong and some mothers are even being charged with abuse on their children for smacking them to stop a bad behaviour.
I would like to understand more on this issue and wish to say that not all children who have been discipline this way think that violence is they way to sort problems out. I would never condem mothers who have just used a discipline method that works for them.
Biblically speaking, (if you believe in that sort of thing) Christ saw the money changers as he entered the temple, and was very angry. He observed the money changing as a serious level of disrespect to God and even so, in his house. He didn’t let his anger overtake him, as he was very careful to not harm the dove.
Every time I handle my kids, I think of this story. Every time I am asked by other parents, I tell them this story. Spanking my kids IS a part of our family, because I do not want to see them in a criminal issue from not being taught correctly. I can correct them, or the correctional system will.
I do not spank them for my ventalation / or release. I will only when I know, NOT that they have done something wrong, but when they have done something wrong in defiance to what they were taught. Sometimes it takes a long time to fully make the proper judgement as a father, because I really do not want to spank the kids. I will if I need to, and I do not car if anyone knows either. My stewardship as a father is something I will never give up.