Comments on: To Spank or Not to Spank?

By: jennifer

jennifer — Sun, 19 May 2013 02:33:16 +0000

hi..i have a five year old boy..i do not spank him..but i would like advice..he talks back alot even at school i tell him no talking back..and he says ” i dont wanna talk about it”.he can be very defiant..and i just ignore him till he calms down.. at school first thing in the morning when friends or teacher’s say good mornin to him he gets mad and says ” dont look at me” or “dont talk to me” almost every day he gets like that i tell him be nice..they are jus saying hi and he says ” i dont wanna talk about it” most of the time he’s a gentle happy little boy..but he has a bad attitude in school being disrespectful to his teacher wondering if he gets it from seeing other kids act like that because he’s an only child..any advice would be helpful..thank you

By: S

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:33:27 +0000

Dr. Phil. I am really glad that a person like you has shared your opinion about this. I myself grew up in Norway where it is not legal to hit children, and it has been since before I was born, nor was it very common before it became illegal. Norway is not the only country where this is illegal, it is illegal in many European countries, and these countries are not filled with disrespectful, rude people!
I was not hit as a child, and I don’t feel I am boasting too much if I say that I am a really decent human being. I always say please and thank you, and I believe in kindness and respect. I am also proud to say that I was not the only non-spanked child that grew up to be a good, hard working person, my friends are really great people, and no one ever raised their hand at them either.

It makes me really sad when I hear people say that children should get spanked. In my country this is a crime, and that is how I see it. I KNOW that children turn out just fine if you don’t spank them. Look at people in other countries, and you will see a clear evidence that hitting is never the solution. Hitting is violence, and not what you should be teaching your child. It is a short cut, and not very long lasting. If you want to raise your child to become a good person, take the time to raise your child right.

I am only 23, and even though I don’t have children myself, I do have a niece. I know children can be a handful, but that is never an excuse for a grown person to use violence! Grown-ups have the right to NOT be hit, and so should children.

By: S Ferrett

S Ferrett — Sun, 05 May 2013 02:37:20 +0000

Smacking a child breaks a valuable boundary. It teaches a child that it is ok for someone to touch their body in an unpleasant way when they do not want it touched. This, in my opinion, opens the door to confusion in subsequent situations if adults try to harm them. It is not ok. Take the time, do the research, figure out what works for you and be militantly consistent and predictable. It’s harder than a back hand but it’s going to result in a child with healthy boundaries about his or her body.

By: zack

zack — Fri, 03 May 2013 06:59:53 +0000

Dr. Phil. I believe you were confused because a) you were only spanked once when there were likely many opportunities that spanking should have been effectively used and its appropriateness explained to you as a child, and b) that spanking came at a not so appropriate and effective age, when you were 12, at the onset of puberty, when spanking ought to be replaced with other forms of discipline. Spanking done right is a labor of love, and those children spanked in love and with limits will know that they are loved. Spanking done in love at appropriate times is indeed protecting them from harming themselves later in life. Judicious spanking done in love does not teach children that it is okay to hit people any more than prison teaches criminals that it’s okay to lock people in cages or court mandated community service teaches law-breakers that it’s okay to enslave people. Spanking has a place, and we will be poorer as a society for rejecting it.

By: Robbyn Peters Bennett

Robbyn Peters Bennett — Sat, 08 Dec 2012 20:53:55 +0000

It is difficult for parents to believe the research. The reserach clearly shows such a high degree of risk associated to later negative behavioral and health outcomes that the only responsible advice is, “You should NEVER spank your child.”

Why don’t parents believe the research? In large part, because parents don’t know alternatives, particularly if their parenting style is authoritarian. “What other punishments can we use that will work?” parents often ask. They know that time-out and with holding attention or toys often fails to work.

So parents need a paradigm shift in order to know what to do. “The Whole Brain Child,” is a great book that can help parents find better alternatives that are enduring and helpful.

What do the researchers on corporal punishment have to say? http://stopspanking.org/2012/12/05/what-researchers-say-about-spanking/

By: wendyjohnston

wendyjohnston — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 20:09:14 +0000

I think parents should try to avoid spanking their children, but I think its wrong to have an absolute position that they shouldn’t in any circumstance. When our first children were born, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt them or cause them physical pain. My husband and I generally disciplined through taking away privileges, grounding, and assigning extra chores to a misbehaving child.

However, as much I would like to say spanking can/should be avoided, I don’t think it should in all cases with all children. There is some behavior that must be dealt with quickly and effectively. Spanking beats just about any other consequence a parent has for shock value and sometimes, rarely, that is what is needed.

I’ll give an example. When my son was 11, he and another boy destroyed some property. They broke windows in a public building in a park while we thought they were having a sleep over in the other boy’s back yard. My husband I talked about it and decided that just cleaning up the mess he made and doing chores to pay for the damage was not enough. So my husband made Jim strip to his underwear, bend over his knee and spanked him with his hand. I don’t think it could have hurt him much, but the shock and shame of being spanked that way with me, his mother, there to see the whole thing made a big impression. These actions stopped there and than.

For those parents who do encounter tough situations like these I would give this advice:

1. Calm down before you discipline. Don’t don’t do anything while angry. Rooms are made for children to wait in.

2. Talk to your child at length and explain why a spanking is necessary.

3. Use nothing but your hand to spank.

4. Spanking should occur over clothing, but that clothing should be something thin like a pair of underpants.

5. Spank the child in a private place, but IMO both parents should be present to show support.

I know some will disagree, but there are a few situations where spanking is the right thing to do.

By: Chelsea

Chelsea — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 21:35:19 +0000

I was spanked as a child (using either a hand or a belt), and being the sensitive person I am, I felt betrayed, angry, and more distant from my parent after each occurrence. Now that I have my own children, my husband and I have agreed to avoid spanking. I do believe there may be one situation in which it is warranted: if you have a child who is repeatedly physically hurting another person (sibling, friend, parent, etc.), that child may need to feel what it is like to be hurt. This is only after trying all other methods: time out, taking away something he/she wants, etc. The spanking should be done when you are calm, and only to show the child what it feels like for the other person he/she was repeatedly hurting. You should explain to the child why you are doing it. Also, it should only be done with a child who has control over himself/herself. For example, children with mental or physical disorders obviously cannot be held accountable.

By: Cathy

Cathy — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 07:01:06 +0000

Thankfully, our perception of discipline is evolving away from physical punishment. If it is ok to smack our children for making mistakes, then we as adults (who also continually make mistakes) should be smacked too. If we rock up late for work, do you think it is okay for our boss to smack us?? (HAHA!!!)…. If it is not okay for adults to be smacked, then how could anyone think that it is okay to inflict pain on the weakest and most vulnerable among us????? Let me get it straight… to hit someone who is an adult, is considered ASSAULT but to hit a defenseless child, it is considered PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE??? Hmmmm…. Do you know that when a child is in fear of being hit, their ‘fight or flight’ response is activated. When this activation occurs, all of the blood from the brain rushes to their arms and legs, and therefore their thinking stops. If their thinking stops, they do not understand what they have done wrong and how to fix it in the future. They are purely acting in fear, which defeats the purpose of using this form of discipline. Role modelling appropriate behaviour and taking the time to give them strategies for coping with the frustrations of life can only be positive. Raising the hand when it all gets too much…. is what they will end up doing as adults.

By: melissa

melissa — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 20:31:00 +0000

I was spanked growing up, it didn’t make me hate my parents or do.things because of the emotional distress, it taught me to listen and have respect for other and that there ARE conséquences for our actions.

By: Tracy

Tracy — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 07:31:03 +0000

My Aspie Mom Rant is:

Regardless of YOUR “views” on spanking, it is never o.k. to put your hands on an Autistic child! You may “believe” in your mind that the child needs discipline and the parents are horrible. Disciplining an Autistic child is a whole other ballgame, and takes years of repetitive reinforcements, along with all of the other training & treatment they may need. It is also not a “magic” mental or emotional switch that can be flipped upon choice. No one asks to be that way or have to try and care for someone 24-7. Why would you “hit” if you are teaching your not child too?

Once people/schools get that, stop being such a “know-it-all” bully, and maybe do something constructive for this world then we might see actual progress for our children.