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February 13th, 2010 by Dr. Phil

Finding Love on Valentines Day

heart1It’s Valentine’s Day, which, of course, means it’s that time for everyone in the media to analyze the state of American romance. And this year, I’ve noticed, it seems all the talk has been over the idea that women should “settle” for a man instead of wasting their time looking for Mr. Right.

Much of the talk has been generated by a recently released book by Lori Gottlieb titled Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. The 42-year-old unmarried author (and single mother) writes that she squandered her most nubile years searching for an Adonis with the humor of Jon Stewart and the bank account of Bill Gates. As a high-achieving woman, she also believed a perfect man was her birthright. Compromise? No way. That would mean not being true to herself.  She was going to “have it all.”

Now, she says, she wished she had focused on one of the less exciting but stable and emotionally available men she had gotten to know back in her 20s and 30s, rather than the “non-marriage-minded time wasters” whom she liked only because they were good-looking and charming on dates. She says she now realizes she would be very happy having a conventional family with a good-enough guy.

Gottleib has gotten a lot of criticism for the book. She’s been called a pathetic throwback to the 50’s–desperate, needy, immature and weak. What’s she’s really telling unmarried women to do, her critics claim, is to go out and pick guys who they don’t necessarily love or have physical attraction to, but who they know will always be around to provide support, encouragement, and a stable home.

So what do you think? Is it wise to constantly search for “The One,” the man who keeps you so intoxicated with love that you tingle in anticipation of his every phone call? Do you feel you’ll always be disappointed in yourself if you don’t find such a man? Or do you think you should focus less on passion and instead go after the guy you’re completely comfortable with, the guy who “gets” you, who laughs and cries with you and who provides a soft place to land at the end of the day?

Let me put it another way. What if the guy, on a 1-10 scale, only ranks a “5″ when it comes to chemistry but a “9″ in compatibility? Would you take him? Do you think you could find love with that kind of man-one who’s “good enough?” Or will you always wonder, deep down, if you simply “settled?”

On this Valentine’s Day, I’ll be especially interested to hear what you have to say.

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27 Responses to “Finding Love on Valentines Day”

  1. Chrys says:

    Marrying your best friend is the best bet. I like this one: “instead go after the guy you’re completely comfortable with, the guy who “gets” you, who laughs and cries with you and who provides a soft place to land at the end of the day?” I love the saying, ‘Love isn’t something you feel, it’s something you do.’

  2. Paradoxis says:

    Why marry at all?

  3. Ray Lovett says:

    Personally from a mans point of view I focused on one of the less exciting but stable and emotionally available women years ago and now looking back with reading glasses, gray hair, a beautiful home, 3 kids and 8 grandchildren it was the best decision I have ever made in my life! Besides, like my grandmother told me as a child; beauty is only skin deep, but love keeps you going! (-:

  4. TYPO: Not sure how this got left out above when I copied text above:

    >I’d suggest all those in-between relationships to read <
    "LOVE SMART" by Dr. Phil before getting into a/or another relationship. (Men too.)

    http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/504

    ^ LOVE SMART (at above link) ^

  5. Dr. Phil et al

    If not okay to offer a FREE book… my apologies & just delete my comment. I just think “LOVE SMART” by Dr. Phil is such a GREAT book plus has cute hearts by page number so perfect for VALENTINES DAY and perfect, too, to learn to LOVE SMART.

  6. Linda says:

    I don´t know. But just a thought. Why have this woman written this book and not actually married Mr Good Enough herself?

  7. Linda says:

    It seems to me like maybe she dosn´t really want to marry at all, otherwise she should ask herself: am I maybe overanalyzing this and try to find “Mr Good Enough” instead of wrinting a book about it imo.

  8. Kristin says:

    Dear DrPhil~ I am 27, a sahm of 2 a 2 year-old boy and a 9 month old girl. I am a fulltime student and just became a single mother. I was in an abusive marriage and was abused everyday. I moved to Yorkville with my sister, 4 childrn, and her husband. I moved away from abuse to me, to abuse to my son. I fight with my sister all the time becasue of the way I am raising my son. She calls him “a little annoying son of a b****.” He is 2! We are staying in the unfinished basement and his asthma is acting up. Right now he has Pneumonia, double ear infection, and I am giving him treatments twices a day. He doesnt deserve to be called names from anyone defantly his aunt. I need help and asking u. Can you help get us into a house near my sister? Cause believe it or not we are close. And I need a car because I left everything behind with my ex. I need this help to get my healthy and happy son back. Please help us. Thank you Kristin

  9. i think a lot of people have some fairly unrealistic expectations these days, a bit of a reality check is a good thing! locspoc

  10. LindaB says:

    I believe that it is possible to develop a rewarding relationship with just about anyone. Look at how successful some arranged marriages have turned out to be? If you both have a positive attitude and are willing to work at it – then anything is possible!! Very little i life is absolutely perfect – even “perfect” marriages have there down sides – it is what you do with it that matters.

  11. Toni says:

    It’s so difficult to tell others how to find a suitable partner when you did what worked for you… people are so different. All I can say is that in my case, there was chemistry in the initial attraction, which developed into “like” as we found we had so much in common. We became good friends, still were in lust, and developed deep love for each other as the relationship grew.
    Now almost 20 years later, I am glad that I still have that chemistry. I do respect hubby, like him, etc BUT I also still find him attractive and we still share great chemistry which helps with intimacy too.
    Many people ask me about monogamy and waking up next to the same person daily, well in my personal life, the chemistry takes care of this.
    Perhaps there are different types of relationships and if they meet with the individual’s expectations then a lasting marriage is entirely possible without the chemistry.
    Belief creates reality after all :-)

  12. DR. PHIL QUOTE: Life isn’t cured. It is managed.

    I settled and a fella who said interested in me that I didn’t care for stole my innocence lying he planned to marry yet I stole my innocence settling since “not perfect either” thereby getting involved with him. That was my exact thought when he was so interested in me (not to marry) and to score. “Be true to you” is true. Also, accepting NO if someone isn’t into you.

    Interestingly, after innocence is gone guys can (in my experience) feel ladies have lost their right to NO… even ladies can if planned to save self for husband. Sort of like “all or nothing” binging on a bag of cookies since blew diet anyway. Commonly then, before DNA tests, guys would have flings before enlisting without any honorable intention of marrying whatsoever. A security guard told me because could die while enlisted so living life in fast lane experiencing all men could BEFORE enlisting. IDK

    The necklace Jordan got Robin w/three arrows perhaps symbolic of her husband & two sons being forever in her heart… Reminds me of that love at first sight for husband and that is said moms have for their children when born. Ideal does happen for in a FAMILY FIRST FAMILY IS FIRST from onset of relationship commitment to each other and family “one for all and all for one.”

    When I settled at 16, I had that true love for a popular fella for 2 years that before I knew was well off just was head over heals for who he was. An upbeat, helpful person, like me, with an unusual name (Skippy) like my nickname, Pixie. Never told Skippy how I felt nor person I settled (that I settled for) for I tried to focus on attributes of and grow to love.

    Before my fall from personal grace… Mother signed me up for church camp at wrong Baptist Church since got confused which Baptist Church I went to and Skippy was part of religious skits each night keeping us all in stitches. He was 2 grades ahead of me. (Talk about a Godsend.) Lets say mother signed me up for the right church yet who knew… Perhaps, a “Godwink” as I’m like those Oprah talks about that often doesn’t notice the pebbles God tosses our ways to get my attention until the brick hits me. I prayed(pray) a lot yet often left main ingredient of my prayers out BELIEVING would/will be answered.

    Skippy, during high school yearbook pictures to keep me from crying when one of my fave teachers said while taking my picture, “A teacher said this one is a genius and we know where he ended up.” A popular student said in shock, “Why would you insult a teacher for being ill going to Terrell and a student at his and her expense. Lots of us liked that teacher.” Skippy said to me just as my eyes flooded up with tears, “Didn’t you go to the same church camp I went to?” Sharing his popularity with me to ease the moment as suddenly all the girls were like, “OMG(osh) you went to church camp with Skippy!” I had a smile as BIG as TEXAS to dam up that flood of tears from my broken heart for not only was teacher other teacher referred to one of my fave teachers so had that teacher, that did our year book photos, been.

    I didn’t return to school after that for last few weeks of school and back then when poor nobody noticed much nor cared. I guess most times I didn’t go to school were due to no strength if cupboard bare or from being bullied… a few times by teachers. Feels good when around students that speak up against bullying.

    That summer Skippy was working at THE LOFT non-alcoholic Presbyterian club for teens and I was working at THE ALPHA Baptist same alternative club w/black lights and church talent. THE LOFT 4 blocks from home, THE ALPHA, two blocks from home. Someone had mentioned THE LOFT at THE ALPHA and went there and Skippy asked me to make some posters so did. I was both surprised and thrilled Skippy ran THE LOFT for Presbyterian church.

    Simultaneously, a neighbor I cleaned for was involved in a murder investigation and out of fear (bad vibes) I asked mom if we could move and we did although LOVED living there across street from high school (a few blocks from Alpha & THE LOFT) & didn’t really want to move. Rode bike over to THE LOFT to see how my posters looked under black light. Bike got stolen and Skippy & his friend felt I shouldn’t walk home and Skippy gave me a ride home in Skippy’s black 1968 corvette. It was a LONG way to THE LOFT from new place we moved to and family drama began with my brother returning from living with paternal aunt & uncle. Skippy became a high school reunion only held in thoughts if an oldie but goodie song from high school days played.

    Instead of being bold letting Skippy know how I felt being true to me… I settled for someone else pursuing me cleverly saying when I said I was waiting until I got married said, “I want to marry you.” That line scares off honest guys and had worked heretofore. No plans to marry me… he wanted to have his way with me… however, glad I didn’t marry him yet via rumors marked “easy” and began being stalked by guys.

    Two bottom busted teeth from stalker/rapist’s fist and ten+ years of “Learned Helplessness” later plus another 19 years when mother passed away. On a flight to Washington D. C. gate changed at last minute & a pilot said to ask another passenger how to get to gate so I asked first person I saw. Lo and behold the fella who told Skippy he should give me a ride home before I settled for someone else “to be a Christian not judging”.

    I learned from Skippy’s friend on the way to my mom’s funeral at Arlington National Cemetery April 7, 2003, that Skippy had fallen into the bottle and never quite found his way… as of 2003, anyway. Googled his name out of curiosity when got home and saw he’d majored in Physical Education like I’d wanted to do and didn’t. Skippy taught some too which I’d wanted to teach Physical Education beginning at age 13 or study intelligence. Wanting to study intelligence began, at 16, because I failed IQ tests randomly marking due to peer pressure to keep up with page turning of fellow students who read faster. I accept responsibility for giving in to peer pressure I placed on myself since a slow reader…

    You might think, Well didn’t work out for Skippy either since he fell into a bottle… However, I wasn’t true to me then and didn’t work out with other fella either (I settled for) and Skippy was who cupid zapped my heart with then. Not saying NOW… then. Who knows maybe his heart had been zapped too then since he stood up for me when not popular to do so & was concerned about my safety. That’s just it why not find out and follow your heart. See, Jay says in his books for teens that persons who love us (like our parents) care about our safety and we need to love us too and listen to parents and our heart of hearts when pressured by pushy hormone charged boys. “Honesty is the best policy” for, see, settling isn’t the cure all end all of heartaches. Been there. Done that. Saw that via experience (the hard way). DPQ: “Life isn’t cured. It is managed.”

    Dr. Phil says there is a psychological saying that “we create what we fear” and I must say often true for me and others I’ve seen too. For, if we don’t tell someone how we feel in fear of rejection the person first rejecting us is self. Or remain mute not wanting to reject someone since we don’t want to be rejected. However, IF we speak up we might just see person feels the same way. Also, speak up if you don’t honestly feel like Jordan’s Valentines pin for his mom with person you choose sincerely and truly in your heart. For children will feel that and isn’t it beautiful to see Dr. Phil and his sons’ love for Robin and hers for them? Yes.

    The thing is that lots of people are failing in K-12 and beyond in Emotional & Life Skill Education DAILY CLASS skills because there isn’t one. A class to watch programs like THE DOCTORS and DR. PHIL has that would benefit teens & younger. A class to read books before playing emotional catch up like so many of us do/are watching THE DR. PHIL show. See, PREVENTION IS THE BEST INTERVENTION. Prevention via learning a better way rather than repeating the cycles that didn’t work for our parents like daughters in THE DR. PHIL family are… settling in themselves and in others (although that pancake has two sides).

    LOVE SMART and other Dr. Phil, Robin & Jay McGraw & their colleagues books would be beneficial required reading to be EQ savvy in school and beyond. LKRAA Ambassador Jordan McGraw’s music programs a good intervention. Cramming doesn’t work with IQ or EQ and randomly making choices whether on an IQ test to keep up with page turning or to “feel like an adult” when actions are quite the contrary isn’t working for at least the 50+ percent divorcing. So here we all are ONLINE and watching The Dr. Phil Show and hopefully learning in a “Hail Mary” touchdown at EQ savvy goal.

    BTW: the mid section I reposted in 2nd post here February 14, 2010, lost from 1st post I asked to be deleted last night could be a sign my computer has been hacked. Someone tweeted me (with same member name as one of my email passwords where I write drafts so don’t time out). I don’t see how when I highlighted entire draft to copy paste why mid section I reposted would be gone. I thought person who said were sorry for my loss meant my dog, Tigger, passing away yet I think instead since had hacked into my computer and had my email password. Possibly meaning loss of my personal info and access to since twitter member name the same as one of my passwords. (I hope Dr. Phil does a show on persons who as a pass time pick someone to harass online.) I won’t say name since not here and since to do I’d be revealing my password and “could” be a BIG coincidence. Perhaps, when copying pasting there can be a discombobulation with part of what is copied lost like on my first post here February 14, 2010, yet IFFY nonetheless. The reason I know is when part missing went back to check draft and still in draft. Totally don’t see how top & bottom could be correct & in-between discombobulated on copy/paste unless also on draft. Yet maybe can be. Mentioning here since happened here on my 1st post February 14, 2010.

    All the best to Dr. Phil and all “across the boards” behind the boards & beyond the boards.

    Sincerely,
    Ms. Stephenson

  13. TED NGBEDE says:

    i have not read her book, but i like what she had done. i have been there done that so do not make the same mistake i have made. ladies be wise and and take her advise or end up write another version of the book.

  14. Missy says:

    Why can’t the guy who makes you feel passionate be the same guy whom you’re comfortable with??? If he’s really “the one”, shouldn’t ALL the factors be there???

  15. sarah says:

    Hi,
    I am wondering if anyone has a copy of the full episode on Friday 2/12/2010? I am trying to find it because i missed the show, but I am only seeing segments of it.
    Any help please!

    Sarah

  16. sharon says:

    Dear Phil,

    Good question and if there’s a concrete answer, I’d like to know what it is. Some say to set the bar high etc., and others say the opposite so I’ve found there are a lot of mixed messages out there and who knows which is right? All I know for sure is that, for me, I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. The rest seems like a mystery to me. Right up until the last couple of months, I used to think that chemistry wasn’t that important if he had good qualities and character and would treat me well. What changed my belief was doing something I’d never done before by being involved taking a chance with eHarmony. I met someone through eH from MN and he seemed a decent guy, similar spiritual beliefs, nice qualities overall and seemed kind to me but my heart couldn’t feel a connection and I didn’t know why. It would be a huge answer to prayer for me to find someone special to love and what I’ve asked you to pray for me for too at times. This guy was pretty much ready to put a ring on my finger after the 2nd week of communicating by the way he talked, as far as his interest and future hopes with me, which concerned me of course why he’d feel that so quickly when he really didn’t know me too well yet. But I wanted to be open and not close any doors too soon, and be fair to him and myself, so I decided to give it some time to see.

    The more time I gave it, the more my heart almost felt repelled, I didn’t look forward to his emails or calls, I couldn’t seem to feel anything for him in a romantic way, and it made me feel really bad to the point where I’d look at his picture each night praying and trying to force myself to feel something because I was new to this. My belief had always been that loving someone is a choice, not just a feeling, because feelings can be fickle and come and go but with this experience I think that being in love, and in a love relationship, is a little different and there should be some sense of excitement and attraction as well, even intially. I may be wrong but that’s been my personal experience of late. There must be some middle ground balancing these two extremes. But I’m no expert.

    I feel bad about the whole thing and in the new year when I approached the subject with him (very gently and kindly too) and asked how he felt, he didn’t reply and I haven’t heard from him since. So that made me feel worse because I know he’s hurt and I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I guess the fact that he didn’t talk about it with me, or even say goodbye or give us closure, even though I opened the door to it, then maybe I made the right choice for me afterall? I think you have to balance between using your head and following your heart. I’m not sure I know how to do that yet. I’ve never truly been in love before so I don’t know how it works or how it’s supposed to “feel” when it’s real and right. But I don’t think when he mentions kissing me it should make my skin crawl. ;) It might’ve been my fault or he may’ve just not been the right guy. I don’t know.

    I felt bad but I also have to feel even a little proud of myself too because I could’ve let myself feel desperate, because sometimes it feels it’s close to being almost too late for me, so I could’ve just grabbed the first one that came along and ignored my heart but I didn’t. It was a bit of a lonely valentine’s day but that’s life and I haven’t given up on God blessing me with a God-centred home and family of my own yet, that I’ve prayed for since I was 10. Although I’m not sure if I’ll continue with the eH road. If ya want, please keep praying too and maybe one day I’ll be able to tell ya some good news. Sorry for rambling tonight, thanks for letting me think out loud. God bless you guys and praying for ya too.

    sharon

  17. TStevens9801 says:

    I say “go after the guy you’re completely comfortable with, the guy who “gets” you, who laughs and cries with you and who provides a soft place to land at the end of the day.” There is nothing better than coming home to a man who will wrap his arms around you and provide you all of the comfort you need. I used to go for the tough guys that were handsome and I thought they “had it all.” In the end they are alone and after 30 years I have the best man for me. We have 4 children between us and watching them grow up together and form a bond was amazing. They are now 24 to 19 and we are having the time of our lives watching them succeed in life….together!

  18. Dr. Phil,

    I think a good topic for a full show on adult sibling rivalries would be welcomed by many! I’m the oldest of 4 daughters born within 7 yrs. & all of us are past 60 yrs. old. The stress is driving me crazy! Thank God we don’t live in the same town, but email gives them the opportunity to jump on ME way too often. Their lives have been filled with lots of DRAMA & divorces/alcohol & substance abuse. Our parents are dead. I don’t want to be on your show, but if one of your producers wants to interview me over the phone, I’d do that. I’m sure you can find a lot of those who’d agree to be participants on your show. I’ve done a lot of research on siblings: birth order, gender, & spacing, and I even wrote a well-researched piece when I was in graduate school in 1984. Dr. Kevin Leman is a PRO in this field, and I’ve learned a lot from his books…however, not much has changed with my 3 sisters and me. I’m a retired college English teacher. They still have issues among themselves but mostly with me….I don’t brag about my life, my husband & our children & grandchildren. I just recently decided to
    “detach” from them and told them so…they are NOT happy about this, but after all these years, the truth is the truth & my husband of 48 yrs. supports my decisioin. BWG

  19. Sharon says:

    “If you want your relationship to blossom, then stop looking for the right person and become the right person.”

    It really is that simple.

  20. Amber says:

    Everyone is completely different in their views and outlook on what a relationship should be.

    For me, it is simple. I would go for the guy who “gets you”.

    After my first marriage I vowed to myself that the next person I ever married would make me laugh, everyday… for the rest of our lives together. I wanted someone who I could have fun with and just be happy.

    Life alone is serious and full of twist and turns, but if you have a partner that you can go through the “Journey of Life” with, and feel comfortable with, than you can look past any physical flaw.

    I married my first husband because I thought he fit the mold. He was what I was told growing up is the type of guy I needed to marry. Certainly he had all the right values….but something was just missing….we didn’t match.

    My husband today, is my true soul mate. I stayed true to myself, and I found the man of “my dreams”. He makes me laugh all the time. He loves me and our children unconditionally. He is fully committed to our relationship….and I know I can count on him for anything. He has the same values as my first husband, but he holds the missing pieces that allow him and I to be a perfect pair. It was his personality that allowed me to fall in love with him.

    I think everyone deserves to be happy. But it’s fair to say, “Let’s be reasonable”. High expectations won’t get anyone anywhere.

  21. Christine says:

    Aaaaah! Wouldn’t it be nice to have a peek into the future when dating? To some degree I can identify with Lori. Hindsight being what it is can really give you a slap in the back of the head when looking back over the ones you put aside and the ones you choose.

    For ten years I had it all. Handsome hubby, nice house and property, good job, no money worries, disposable cash to spend on toys, an active social life as a couple… but… at 10 years into the relationship I discovered that he had not only never stopped looking, he continually carried on one particular relationship for over 7 years of the time we were together.

    I was not only completely satisfied with our relationship – I had NO clue that he apparently wasn’t. Even now I can’t figure how or where he had the time to devote to his other ventures as he was almost never away from home over night.
    There were none of the typical tell tale signs like the purchase of new underwear, change in grooming habits, shifty eyes when lying to your face, etc… NOTHING!

    Well, he’s gone and married the young lady he sporadically spent those 7 years with and I wish them all the luck in the world – they’re going to need it.

    As for me – I fell off the planet. Literally. I took an evening shift job to avoid the daytime folks that we both knew, I gave up my assortment of doctors so that I would not run into him in the waiting room, I slept and even walked my dogs in secluded rural areas where I was almost assured not to run into any other human being.

    Many times I wondered how things may have been different if I had accepted the offers of the one or two who, for reasons I can’t even remember, didn’t quite measure up for me.

    The one outstanding difference between the ones that got away and the one that I picked is that THEY were attentive…. HE was not. That may have been a huge red flag that I just refused to see. But then again I also hate to be smothered and appreciate being given space to be who I am. I have only ever met one that was the type to pitch in an work with me on and through things and he too I rejected. Maybe he was the one – no point obsessing over it though.

    So what to do now? I’m not sure I could ever trust another man after having been so cleverly duped. If I were to re-enter the dating game, would I reconsider and adjust my checklist? Oh – absolutely! Would I make another bad decision – more than likely. See, another thing I got out of my 10 year’s with prince charming is that I don’t trust myself to make the right decision. So I sit here, in the shadows, waiting for Mr. Right to come find me. I know that the outcome of this will probably be me in a house with 72 cats – but really – can fate do any worse than I did? I think not.

  22. SR says:

    I think it’s unfair to always put the onus on women to settle or make changes or compromise in order to get a man or make a relationship work. Why should women keep lowering their standards rather than require men to actually live up to a higher standard? I think most women just want an actual good guy, but that is difficult to find. How many men marry or date women who don’t live up their standards? Probably zero. So, men rarely settle and since society tells them they don’t need to change, we women have to just deal with them- warts and all. Women are more likely to adapt and adjust to make their men happy and relationships work. We contort ourselves, sometimes to the point where we no longer recognize ourselves, to make men happy. It is a rare man who will do that. No matter the date on the calendar, men are still stuck in a entitled mindset and as long as women are willing to settle, men will continue to remain the same.

  23. ChillyPalmer says:

    I sat and watched the show on Sugar Momma’s and Smart Women and was totally captivated. As a single male who recently turned 50 I have spent my life looking for a strong intelligent self confident and articulate woman to love and be loved by. I have made a few observations in those years and while I in no way want to generalize or paint with too wide a brush, I would like to comment on a few of them. It seems to me that many women who have the qualities I have always admired tend to be a little more judgemental and even somewhat arrogant toward men who they see as less accomplished. I have to say this is understandable to a degree due to the fact these women only want a man as opposed to needing a man to financially support them. I have never wanted a relationship with a successful woman because of her ability to financially support me, I have taken care of myself since I was 12 years old as far as that goes. I just adore the woman that can hold an intelligent conversation and can also enjoy laughing and making me laugh. I want someone to help me grow as a person both intellectually and spiritually. Is that too much to ask? I am not afraid of commitment nor am I “picky”. I have a multitude of wonderful friends, when I was younger I loved to set my friends up on dates with someone I thought was a great match for them. 5 of those couples are married today, and I have been blessed to have been best man in 7 weddings and in a couple more as groomsman.Some of my most favorite accomplishments.If you are still reading this you are possibly wondering “if this guy is as blessed as he paints himself why is he 50 and still single”. Good question,and I will confess there is one thing I need to mention also about myself. I have for most of my adult life battled a weight problem, unsuccessfully so. I am going to summize this post with one question to any woman that feels moved to answer. Why is a guys weight such a deal breaker when so many other awful qualities are so easily dismissed as being acceptable?

  24. dina correll says:

    Dr. Phil, I was married to a wonderful man, and gave him two great sons. I kept a clean home, put supper on the table nightly, worked, and took good care of my physical appearance. Then one day, my husband of 20yrs told me he didnt love me any more, and was not sure if he ever loved me. You could not believe how that statement effected my life. I was devestated for over two years, crying daily, and living in a fog of grief. I was no longer a mother to my children, they ran wild and took advantage of my inability to parent. But, they were good kids, and finally saw how they were acting and grew to become college educated and well adjusted adults. I have dated men over the years, and trust me when I say, it has been one loser after another. I have lowered my standards to all time lows. If I could meet a man that wasnt living with his mother, or working at Walmarts it would be a miracle. I have a good state job, own my house, have 401’s, savings and like earlier stated that I am considered to be attractive. But, I have this problem that just over the last 8 or 9 years will not go away. I feel like I am still in love with my first husband. Even though he treated me bad during the divorce, has remarried and moved out of state, I still love him. Could you please tell me, how do you stop loving someone. I am crying as I write this letter to you. I realize that you most likely will not read this, or one of your assistance will be reading it. But, I am a good person, who helps hundreds of people a week, yet I just cant seem to find anyone that can help me. I am at times depressed, and very lonely, but have to put on this smile, and everything is all right face daily. Sorry to be such a complainer, I am sure you hear some much worse stories, but it seemed to help just writing this to you.

  25. Virginia says:

    I wonder… Who said there has to be a “THE ONE” who says that if you trully committed yourself and chose to love someone you wouldn’ t find happiness with one person as opposed to another. (In a respectful non-abusive relationship) The happiness may be different with one person as opposed to another but I think society has taught us that there is ONE person out there and if we “settle” we will miss out on happiness when he/she arrives.

    I wonder what it would look like if we chose to be/become “THE ONE” to our significant others instead of analyzing if they are “THE ONE”. :) Is it my birthright to receive “Prince Charming” or my responsibility to become the best person I can be.

  26. Preraph says:

    The concept of marrying someone you aren’t passionate about just seems sad to me. The passion may not last, but you should at least have it going in, I think. It’s sad that women are so desperate to have a man (in this day and age) that they even consider marrying someone they’re luke warm about. That being said, of course lots of people have unreasonable expectations. But you can’t force coming to terms with that. I would feel like a prostitute marrying someone I wasn’t truly bonded with. I would feel bad about myself every day.

  27. It’s never easy, regardless of whether you were dating right through your twenties or you were a late bloomer. Finding the right one takes time and perseverance, and realistic expectations.

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