Comments on: The Old Cohabitation Question http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/ Dr. Phil- Start A Change Reaction Sun, 19 May 2013 02:33:16 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8 hourly 1 By: Abou http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-137043 Abou Sun, 13 Jan 2013 12:48:16 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-137043 Christian marriage coennulisg, I believe, has greater potential as an active ingredient in the healing process than any other type of therapy. Why? Because marriage between a man and woman is God's plan so it only stands to reason that the repair procedures for an unhealthy marriage could be found in His word.My wife and I went through Christian marriage coennulisg provided a trained, licensed, minister of the faith who was exceptionally gifted in using the Word of God to help couples in the reconciliation process. These are important credentials in choosing a counselor. What makes Christian marriage coennulisg effective is the willingness of the couple to truly uncover, forgive, and die-to-self. It has to be understood that none of these things are within our human ability to accomplish alone. We need the help of the Holy Spirit to facilitate the type of radical change that must take place in one’s heart, deep down inside, in order for real change to take place. You’ll know it is happening when your focus is less on what your mate is doing than what you are doing in and with your relationship with God.Fifteen years later, my wife and I are stronger than ever. Has the road been free of bumps? No. But I have heard it said that if the mountain were as smooth as glass, you wouldn’t be able to climb it. We are still living in and by what we learned in Christian marriage coennulisg. Our marriage is not about determination and resolve to make it work; its about the freedom to love one another and let the other be who they are with full faith and confidence that what holds us together is not our resolve, but trust and assurance in Jesus Christ that He is able to sustain us through any storm that might come our way. Christian marriage coennulisg, I believe, has greater potential as an active ingredient in the healing process than any other type of therapy. Why? Because marriage between a man and woman is God’s plan so it only stands to reason that the repair procedures for an unhealthy marriage could be found in His word.My wife and I went through Christian marriage coennulisg provided a trained, licensed, minister of the faith who was exceptionally gifted in using the Word of God to help couples in the reconciliation process. These are important credentials in choosing a counselor. What makes Christian marriage coennulisg effective is the willingness of the couple to truly uncover, forgive, and die-to-self. It has to be understood that none of these things are within our human ability to accomplish alone. We need the help of the Holy Spirit to facilitate the type of radical change that must take place in one’s heart, deep down inside, in order for real change to take place. You’ll know it is happening when your focus is less on what your mate is doing than what you are doing in and with your relationship with God.Fifteen years later, my wife and I are stronger than ever. Has the road been free of bumps? No. But I have heard it said that if the mountain were as smooth as glass, you wouldn’t be able to climb it. We are still living in and by what we learned in Christian marriage coennulisg. Our marriage is not about determination and resolve to make it work; its about the freedom to love one another and let the other be who they are with full faith and confidence that what holds us together is not our resolve, but trust and assurance in Jesus Christ that He is able to sustain us through any storm that might come our way.

]]> By: Thandi http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-124871 Thandi Tue, 02 Oct 2012 14:04:20 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-124871 I say it's a BAD idea for a couple to stay together before getting married. It doesn't serve any of the purposes that the couples usually intend for it to serve, i.e. getting to know each other more intimately/ securing a future together. The couple is more likely to put off getting married for longer and the couple will experience pressure meant for a marriage, in a courtship. I say it’s a BAD idea for a couple to stay together before getting married. It doesn’t serve any of the purposes that the couples usually intend for it to serve, i.e. getting to know each other more intimately/ securing a future together. The couple is more likely to put off getting married for longer and the couple will experience pressure meant for a marriage, in a courtship.

]]> By: susan yeaple http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-22787 susan yeaple Sat, 18 Jun 2011 02:09:34 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-22787 My husband and I have been married 27 years. He's 52 + I'm 50 soon. I was told by dad the wedding wouldn't be paid for if we lived together. So we didn't. My husband and I have been married 27 years. He’s 52 + I’m 50 soon. I was told by dad the wedding wouldn’t be paid for if we lived together. So we didn’t.

]]> By: john sherwood http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-22780 john sherwood Fri, 17 Jun 2011 21:36:07 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-22780 well dr phil i was married when i was 21 and my wife darlene was 18 we did not have alot of money it was only me working but we wahted to get married so we saved and had a small wedding with all the bells it was nice we have had tough times and money trouble we went through alot but we had kids they drove us nuts at times but we made it and i am now 50 and we will be celibrating our 38 year anniversary june 12th and first time we were apart was this year for about a month so she could visit my son out west but i realized how much i missed her and love her so much after all this time you have to help each other no matter what. thank you john well dr phil i was married when i was 21 and my wife darlene was 18 we did not have alot of money it was only me working but we wahted to get married so we saved and had a small wedding with all the bells it was nice we have had tough times and money trouble we went through alot but we had kids they drove us nuts at times but we made it and i am now 50 and we will be celibrating our 38 year anniversary june 12th and first time we were apart was this year for about a month so she could visit my son out west but i realized how much i missed her and love her so much after all this time you have to help each other no matter what.
thank you
john

]]> By: Michelle Kawzinsky http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-22651 Michelle Kawzinsky Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:30:47 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-22651 I have been living with the my other half since we began dating in high school in 1981, 30 years ago. We are not married. I was 5 months pregnant with our first son when I graduated. We discussed marriage at the time, but decided we had enough on our plates, but wanted to be together and raise our son. The years flew by, not all of them good mind you and before we knew it 2011 was here. We now have 2 beautiful granddaughters ages 5 and 2 and our relationship couldn't be better. I don't put a lot into the institution of marriage. It would not change the way I feel about him nor the way I feel about the strength of our relationship. I believe it is all for show because if it is just to let people know how committed you are to each other, they will see it in the way you treat and react to each other. There were definitely some trials and tribulations along the way and some short seperations to figure things out but I believe that had we been married, we would be divorced. I believe respect for your partner is the number one thing you can give. If you respect your partner, you will be kind and truthful whether it could potentially initially cause them pain. I believe you fight fairly by not degrading your partner with name calling and staying on topic. I believe you should allow your partner space. I believe you allow yourself to trust your partner until that trust is broken. I believe you allow yourself to stay and rebuild that trust if you so choose. I believe if you say you will committ that you should committ. I do believe that love and relationships take work. I believe forgiveness is necessary. I believe you should treat today as if it were your last. Bottom line: A piece of paper a marriage does not make. It is in your heart!! I have been living with the my other half since we began dating in high school in 1981, 30 years ago. We are not married. I was 5 months pregnant with our first son when I graduated. We discussed marriage at the time, but decided we had enough on our plates, but wanted to be together and raise our son. The years flew by, not all of them good mind you and before we knew it 2011 was here. We now have 2 beautiful granddaughters ages 5 and 2 and our relationship couldn’t be better. I don’t put a lot into the institution of marriage. It would not change the way I feel about him nor the way I feel about the strength of our relationship. I believe it is all for show because if it is just to let people know how committed you are to each other, they will see it in the way you treat and react to each other. There were definitely some trials and tribulations along the way and some short seperations to figure things out but I believe that had we been married, we would be divorced. I believe respect for your partner is the number one thing you can give. If you respect your partner, you will be kind and truthful whether it could potentially initially cause them pain. I believe you fight fairly by not degrading your partner with name calling and staying on topic. I believe you should allow your partner space. I believe you allow yourself to trust your partner until that trust is broken. I believe you allow yourself to stay and rebuild that trust if you so choose. I believe if you say you will committ that you should committ. I do believe that love and relationships take work. I believe forgiveness is necessary. I believe you should treat today as if it were your last. Bottom line: A piece of paper a marriage does not make. It is in your heart!!

]]> By: Ruby http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-21331 Ruby Tue, 29 Mar 2011 02:19:12 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-21331 I think that people who live together should do it for the same reasons that people who want to get married - because they love each other. I love my partner and as far as I'm concerned we don't need that piece of paper. We love each other, we are committed to each other. We have our ups and downs but we talk and we work through them. We know that a relationship takes work, we don't live in the fairytale world that is portrayed (mainly by hollywood) everything is wonderful once you get married. The comment that it is a "big deal" to a woman to get married is offensive. It depends upon the PERSON not the gender. I'm not into the 'traditional' - it's not my tradition it has been invented by people that make a lot of money from this - it doesn't mean that you will stay together or that you love each other more. Saying that people who are married are more committed to each other than people that live together is incorrect. It is a case by case assessment rather than generalisations. I know married couples that have less commitment to each other and their families (yes, they have children) and they are most definitely less committed to each other than other non married couples that I know. I think that you need to do a show about why some women want the big wedding and the 'fairytale' day. Many are more interested in finding someone (anyone) for that day rather than actually loving the person and living with them / marrying them because of that love. I think that people who live together should do it for the same reasons that people who want to get married – because they love each other.

I love my partner and as far as I’m concerned we don’t need that piece of paper. We love each other, we are committed to each other. We have our ups and downs but we talk and we work through them. We know that a relationship takes work, we don’t live in the fairytale world that is portrayed (mainly by hollywood) everything is wonderful once you get married.

The comment that it is a “big deal” to a woman to get married is offensive. It depends upon the PERSON not the gender. I’m not into the ‘traditional’ – it’s not my tradition it has been invented by people that make a lot of money from this – it doesn’t mean that you will stay together or that you love each other more. Saying that people who are married are more committed to each other than people that live together is incorrect. It is a case by case assessment rather than generalisations. I know married couples that have less commitment to each other and their families (yes, they have children) and they are most definitely less committed to each other than other non married couples that I know.

I think that you need to do a show about why some women want the big wedding and the ‘fairytale’ day. Many are more interested in finding someone (anyone) for that day rather than actually loving the person and living with them / marrying them because of that love.

]]> By: Edith http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-21267 Edith Sat, 26 Mar 2011 21:48:24 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-21267 I think you're right. You have to live together for the right reasons, but you also have to get married for the right reasons. I am happily married and lived together with my spouse first not because I wanted to test the relationship, but because we somehow thought marriage was for others to see, for others to approve (we rebels, thought we didn't want others approval). We also had problems with all the "marriage"concept, we didn't think it ensured loyalty or commitment. We got married after two years because we grew to like the idea of society taking us seriously, considering us, oficially and legally, a family. The rebel phase was over. But then, we got married "cheap" and ecological to defy consumerism and the will of our relatives... so the rebel phase is not so over :) I think you’re right. You have to live together for the right reasons, but you also have to get married for the right reasons. I am happily married and lived together with my spouse first not because I wanted to test the relationship, but because we somehow thought marriage was for others to see, for others to approve (we rebels, thought we didn’t want others approval). We also had problems with all the “marriage”concept, we didn’t think it ensured loyalty or commitment. We got married after two years because we grew to like the idea of society taking us seriously, considering us, oficially and legally, a family. The rebel phase was over. But then, we got married “cheap” and ecological to defy consumerism and the will of our relatives… so the rebel phase is not so over :)

]]> By: Sandra Sweazy http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-21246 Sandra Sweazy Fri, 25 Mar 2011 20:00:10 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-21246 I think every situation is different. Me and my husband lived together three years and had a kid before we got married. We have been together for 21 years. We have definately had our major ups and downs and have went through periods of not being sure we would ever stay together, but worked through it all. We now get along better then we ever had. I think every situation is different. Me and my husband lived together three years and had a kid before we got married. We have been together for 21 years. We have definately had our major ups and downs and have went through periods of not being sure we would ever stay together, but worked through it all. We now get along better then we ever had.

]]> By: Victoria Gamiz http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-21244 Victoria Gamiz Fri, 25 Mar 2011 19:03:07 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-21244 Dr. Phil, I will treasure these words: "living together does not exempt them from having the same serious conversations every couple needs to have about marriage". I am always left in awe by how you address topics by highlighting the real point of the issue while managing to not alien people by breaking the news of what the truth is directly to their face but by finding some middle ground for them to accept it and take it. I think that is called assertiveness. That's what I'm working on to develop in my growth and maturing process. Will continue to spot and treasure the words of you Dr. Assertive Phil. Dr. Phil, I will treasure these words: “living together does not exempt them from having the same serious conversations every couple needs to have about marriage”. I am always left in awe by how you address topics by highlighting the real point of the issue while managing to not alien people by breaking the news of what the truth is directly to their face but by finding some middle ground for them to accept it and take it. I think that is called assertiveness. That’s what I’m working on to develop in my growth and maturing process. Will continue to spot and treasure the words of you Dr. Assertive Phil.

]]> By: Suzanne http://blog.drphil.com/2010/03/05/the-old-cohabitation-question/comment-page-4/#comment-21241 Suzanne Fri, 25 Mar 2011 15:59:41 +0000 http://blog.drphil.com/?p=2367#comment-21241 I have been with my boyfriend since December 2005 and we just moved in with each other February 2011. I admit I wanted this to happen much sooner but I am glad that we waited, I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I am 43 years old and never married, he is 47 years old and divorced - no kids for either of us. I would NEVER marry someone without living with them first and working out all the kinks. We have separte bathrooms simply because one bathroom is not feasable, he has his room/office aka man cave for his computer and things and I have the other bedroom for my computer and things. Allot of this was discussed during the last 5 years of being together and how we would want or they need to be for each of us to be happy and have some space. He has a space issue and needs to just be left alone sometimes - and I am fine with that. I need to be alone probably more then he does but we find our aloneness different. Mine is on the couch with my dogs and his in his cave with the computer and scanner. Now I will admit that there are things that I had to go along with for the sake of the relationship, one being having my dogs (pugs) sleep in the bed. I expressed to him that I felt I didn't have a choice in the matter and that if I didn't go along with this then we might as well not move forward with the relationship. I took the approach as "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy". Am I happy, no not at all...I hate having them sleep on the floor next to the bed. So I guess I caved for the sake of the relationship, I don't know if I would go that far. Originally he wanted them to not sleep in the room at all and I said no, but he complains about the snoring that pugs make I have told him to get used to it because I have to get used to his snoring. I think it is all in the way you come at the "issue". I was in tears the first week about my dogs not being right next to me and I have taken them into the other room and slept in the other bed and slept with them because I needed it. I think you need to do what is right for you....not go by some "rule". I have been with my boyfriend since December 2005 and we just moved in with each other February 2011. I admit I wanted this to happen much sooner but I am glad that we waited, I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I am 43 years old and never married, he is 47 years old and divorced – no kids for either of us. I would NEVER marry someone without living with them first and working out all the kinks.

We have separte bathrooms simply because one bathroom is not feasable, he has his room/office aka man cave for his computer and things and I have the other bedroom for my computer and things. Allot of this was discussed during the last 5 years of being together and how we would want or they need to be for each of us to be happy and have some space. He has a space issue and needs to just be left alone sometimes – and I am fine with that. I need to be alone probably more then he does but we find our aloneness different. Mine is on the couch with my dogs and his in his cave with the computer and scanner.

Now I will admit that there are things that I had to go along with for the sake of the relationship, one being having my dogs (pugs) sleep in the bed. I expressed to him that I felt I didn’t have a choice in the matter and that if I didn’t go along with this then we might as well not move forward with the relationship. I took the approach as “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy”. Am I happy, no not at all…I hate having them sleep on the floor next to the bed. So I guess I caved for the sake of the relationship, I don’t know if I would go that far. Originally he wanted them to not sleep in the room at all and I said no, but he complains about the snoring that pugs make I have told him to get used to it because I have to get used to his snoring. I think it is all in the way you come at the “issue”. I was in tears the first week about my dogs not being right next to me and I have taken them into the other room and slept in the other bed and slept with them because I needed it.

I think you need to do what is right for you….not go by some “rule”.

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