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May 20th, 2010 by Dr. Phil

Loose Girls? Or Confused Girls?

TooYoungTooFastOn Friday’s show, we’re going to have a very frank and sometimes startling conversation about teenage girls and the reasons they are deciding to have sex.  I think you’ll be surprised at some of the things the girls say, including how so many of them see sex as no big deal.

The facts are what they are: this generation of teenage of girls is certainly becoming sexually active younger and faster than their moms.

If you’re a parent of a teenage girl, I can’t tell you whether you should watch this show with your child. That’s up for you to decide. But I do hope you’ll watch the show, because we will be working through some very difficult issues. We will, for instance, talk about how parents can better communicate to their daughters the consequences of teenage sex, about disease and pregnancy, and the total sense of devastation that they may feel when they realize that the teenage boys they are with don’t tend to stick around. It’s clear some disconnect has taken place between parents and their children over the subject of sex — and I want to help fix that.

But having said all that, let me throw you parents a question. Should you tell your children about your own past sex life? Do you think you should be absolutely honest with your kids about what you experienced? Do you think such a conversation will encourage them to open up and talk to you about what they are going through?

You might be surprised to hear me say that there are a lot of things we just don’t need to share with our kids. There are, for instance, mistakes that I made growing up that I still haven’t shared with my sons — and I’m still not going to talk about them, because I don’t want my boys to say, “Well, you know, he did that, and he turned out OK, so I guess I’ll go do that, too.”

What do you think? Do you think I’m off base? I want to hear your response. This issue is way too important to ignore.

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111 Responses to “Loose Girls? Or Confused Girls?”

  1. L.A. MikeTheSkeptic says:

    L.A. MikeTheSkeptic says:

    May 24, 2010 at 11:10 am
    To: L.A.MikeTheSkeptic

    From: BG Southern-Nut-In-Residence


    not necessarily at all. I am saying that the issue needs to be discussed with both set of parents, and vetted on a case-by-case basis. Input from ALL parties (including the teens) is, I believe, absolutely vital.

    Kate says:
    Teens and worse, tweens are not having sex because of hormones and lust.
    Plain and simple – it’s peer pressure, conformity, the desperate need to be cool and fit in. Rainbow parties – everyone else is doing it, who is going to be the one who says no? Your best friend has that smug look on her face because she had sex and you haven’t? Buying a few moments of affection from a boy in the hope that you beome popular and one of the in crowd.

    I readily grant your point about peer pressure. However, Hormones ARE a major factor, and I think it’s useless to deny it. A little frank guidance from all the relevant adults can go a long way toward pointing out that what is “cool” is not necessarily good, or even cool, at all. Sexuality has to be discussed by all concerned and, if it seems right, i do believe that the Pill and condoms can be provided, after being considered, one case at a time.

    jason koda says:
    May 24, 2010 at 6:14 am
    Religious or not

    About being religious in America–
    The American Church (which is essentially Prosestant, and even American Catholicism has felt this influence)–the church has played a vital role in the history of this country. Largely, a good role. I have a contentious relationship with it, but admire it profoundly. And one’s priest or pastor can be VERY valuable when counseling teens about sexuality, IF it is approached with genuine compassion, understanding, and wisdom. All too often, however, parents turn a deaf ear to the sexual needs and drives of their kids, and pastors can adopt a dogmatic, doctrinal line, all too often.
    And that has to be dealt with, and that, however difficult it may be, has to be corrected, one case at a time.
    I hope i have elucidated sufficiently.

  2. L.A. MikeTheSkeptic says:

    FosterBoys says:
    May 24, 2010 at 8:29 am
    Are strippers and prostitutes loose girls or confused girls?
    Do promiscuous girls have a predisposition towards the sex trade?
    Should girls who take their clothes off for money be viewed more or less favorably than girls who take them off for pleasure?

    Well, Sir, I can only say this:
    I feel sorry for the men who have to get their jollies from looking at the naked females, as if they couldn’t get a girlfriend of their own. Sort of gives you an idea of the tone of that whole milieu, doesn’t it?

    On the other hand, there are the (cheerier?) bachelor parties….

    And the (just as lusty) bachelorette parties….

    What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, i suppose.

    As for promiscuity–
    Most unwise. At any age. Russian roulette, it seems to me.

  3. Wendi S says:

    Look at our music videos…the kids see these woman “shakin it” around the men..they want to be admired too…so they dress and act provocatively.

    Listen to our current Rap songs…Rappers saying what they expect of women..ie: what they are good for…so the kids act like that, thinking that is what all men expect.

    Barbie down the street dies her hair, gets breast implants, gets blue contacts and excersized to extremes..the kids see they get attention from men…so they do it too.

    We need to teach our kids better morales, and to EMBRACE ourselves for ourselves and not to try to be like everyone else. Men really need to stop paying so much attention to these fake people, why would you want a fake mate? GET REAL PEOPLE

  4. BluJay says:

    Being 17 myself ive had alot of experiences with underage sex… its deeper than confusion, its a need that both people are trying to fill with something that is availible, others choose drugs, ive done both paths, in my view underage sex is a form of self destruction although they dont relize it… the long term results can be very painfull if not fatal… they need help, but on their grounds, you cant force them into anything, when you try to force a teen to do something it tends to backfire, you should try to work with them… does this make sense, and help with some knowledge from a teen?

  5. Jana says:

    There was no such thing as tweens in the 1980’s, you were either a teenager at 13 or an adult at 18. Tweens are aged 9 t0 13. That has become an age group that now is the most sexual. why? It’s considered good if a 12 or even 9 year old boy starts talking aobut sex and picking up an “older” woman, usually a “very mature” 9 year old, or an “older” girl aged 12.

    Just take a good look at the shows aimed at tweens that they are watching without an adult present to answer questions about what is going on in the show.

  6. prefer anonymous says:

    Look at this in today’s news.
    From the Seattle Times:
    Seattle doctor arrested in investigation of trading forged prescriptions for sex
    A 72-year-old Seattle doctor has been arrested and his license to practice medicine suspended during an investigation of prescription-drug forgery in exchange for sex, according to the King County Sheriffs Office.
    By Nick Perry and Susan Gilmore
    Seattle Times staff reporters
    Dr. Leonard D. Hudson’s pioneering work with severe lung injuries has helped save thousands of lives and has been recognized across the world, according to colleagues. Over his long career at Harborview Medical Center, he’s trained hundreds of doctors, inspired colleagues to enter the field and remained empathetic toward patients.
    So when news broke Tuesday that the 72-year-old was accused of repeatedly trading prescription drugs for sex with a 22-year-old prostitute who has an addiction problem, colleagues were stunned. …
    He also is alleged to have filled a prescription for OxyContin naming as the patient a 16-year-old girl who was a friend of the prostitute, so that the teen’s health insurance would cover the cost…

  7. Ashley says:

    Why does under age sex have to be focused on ONLY girls??? boys are just as guilty. I’m so tired everything being a girls fault. And some teenage girls aren’t confused. Maybe they just want to experiment a bit. Sex is always looked bad on girls if they have a lot of sex. No one ever says that about men. And they are just as ‘loose’ or ‘confused’ as girls are. I think some people are just being a little too sexist and men are trying to control something cause men have to have power and if any they can control how many times a woman has sex by saying she’s a slut, whore, hooker, loose, or confused. Im a little disappointed by this. I can’t believe people are still close minded about this stuff.

  8. BluJay says:

    i absolutly agree jana, kids are getting sexualy involved to soon nowadays (does anyone still say that? lol) and tv shows are the main problem along with games…. but lets not lie to ourselves here its also parents faults, if a girl starts dressing inappropiatly (forgive my spelling if i spelled wrong) its because the parent bought the clothes and let them wear them in the first place, i was raised in the streets of houston and ive seen the nicest girls come out of the projects and go to college because their parents didnt let them dress like that, or watch things that isnt for their age group, theirs a v-chip in ur tv that u can lock certain shows! and most game systems support family settings so that you can set what rattings they can play, or do the old fashioned way and just say no

  9. CanadianViewer says:

    Why the sole focus on girls, as well as the implication that they must either be “loose” or “confused” if they are sexually active? I sincerely hope that this episode is followed up with one that deals with underage boys’ attitudes to sex. This ‘cherchez la femme’ approach to social problems can be really harmful. I don’t think it’s much more than skewing towards the mainly-female demographic in many cases on Dr. Phil, but in this case, dwelling only on girls (not to mention resorting to outdated cliches about their motives) does the audience a disservice. Particularly to kids who could benefit from a frank, conscientious discussion about the realities, risks, and potential implications of sexual activity, since Lord knows they’re not getting it in American schools.

  10. L.A. MikeTheSkeptic says:

    CanadianViewer says

    Why the sole focus on girls, as well as the implication that they must either be “loose” or “confused” if they are sexually active? I sincerely hope that this episode is followed up with one that deals with underage boys’ attitudes to sex. This ‘cherchez la femme’ approach to social problems can be really harmful. I don’t think it’s much more than skewing towards the mainly-female demographic in many cases on Dr. Phil, but in this case, dwelling only on girls (not to mention resorting to outdated cliches about their motives) does the audience a disservice. Particularly to kids who could benefit from a frank, conscientious discussion about the realities, risks, and potential implications of sexual activity, since Lord knows they’re not getting it in American schools.

    hi there,
    that, i think, was a very intelligent, much-needed comment.

    I also think that girls have their hormones and their drives, as well as boys–i am convinced that the female of the species is not so demure as a lot of folks would like to think. Their feelings about a good male rear end come to mind. The book Friday Night Lights has a passage commenting that girls wanted to sit behind Permian Panther Don Billingsley in class so they could catch a glimpse of his posterior in tight jeans.

    I’m just reporting what author Buzz Bissinger wrote–nothing more, nothing less.

  11. "Anonymous in PA" says:

    I am so incredibly grieved by this problem in our society. I graduated from high school in 1992 and the problem was I think just as bad perhaps, but now that we live in the day of the internet and other forms of communication it is just more widely acknowledged and discussed.

    I am so incredibly thankful that my relationship with God has enabled me to make wise decisions in my relationships with men so that I have made some of the mistakes that my friends have….

    I definitely feel that there needs to be a show about boys attitudes about sex. I am a firm believer that they need to be taught how to treat a young woman with respect and dignity. That ultimately be taught at home….but many of them don’t have a man in the house to be an example to them or have an example that teaches them that it is okay to abuse, call women names, etc. I also believe that today’s music,especially a lot of rap, the lyrics talk about treating women horribly. How can we expect young men to treat young women with respect with influences like that???

    I am a huge believe of abstinence education. Realistically though I know that can’t be the only option of sex ed and birth control… BUT I believe that it HAS to be taught a AN OPTION! Because there r too many kids in this world who don’t even know that is an option and that it is OK to say no…to respect their bodies and to save themselves for their future husband or wife for their wedding nite. I firmly believe that if it is presented as an option that there r many kids in our country who would choose that……they just aren’t informed…..if their parents don’t tell them…if they r unchurched or if their church doesn’t even present it…….

    Young men and young women first have to learn to have respect for themselves and their own bodies…..then they can be taught to have it for members of the opposite sex…..

  12. L.A. MikeTheSkeptic says:

    “Anonymous in PA” says:

    if they r unchurched

    Well, I am “unchurched” (sort of, I’m a Unitarian) and I don’t consider myself a moral anarchist–i believe what is truly good for the kids involved should prevail.

    But I am a freethinker, as you have no doubt noticed–and i believe in facing science and biology and our primitive, biological natures squarely and unflinchingly, as no doubt you have also noticed.

    I am also stating baldfacedly that religious believers are not the only good people on earth, nor are they the only ones with a moral compass–i have read the writings of many outstanding, compassionate atheists and skeptics, scientists and philosophers who haven’t been to church in decades, if ever.

  13. Skye says:

    To me its not surprising. Girls want attention. Being a bad girl is considered cool, and its glorified by the media. Its disturbing. If girls could realize they can get attention without having to do that, that they can be loved for who they are and not who they do it with.

  14. WMJ says:

    Just a year ago today, I took my then, recently turned 17 year old daughter, to the drs. We had discussed her using birth control to relieve extremely painful cramps. When the Dr is talking with us about birth control pills, he asked her if she is sexually active. She says yes! I am shocked and devasted. I am thinking, have you just been having casual sex, or what. She had just started dating a very nice 19 year old young man two weeks prior, (who I might add even asked us if we would give him permission to date her – he’s not from the USA) and they hadn’t seen all that much of each other so I was sure they weren’t sexually active. After the appt, I had her captive in the car and it gave us an opportunity to discuss the ramifications of having sex. She just acted as if she knew it all and really didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with her behavior. That night, at 3am, I caught her outside the house with a boy who was the brother of her best friend. She had had an enormous crush on BROTHER since she was 14. I initially called her on her cell phone as I did not know where she was – she had been home all evening and gone to bed at a reasonable hour. She came in the back door and gave a lame excuse that she couldn’t sleep, but I had seen BROTHER’S dad’s truck parked in front of our house. Soon, he strolled to it and drove off. She then told me he just wanted to talk as he felt like a loser as his siblings are doing so well, blah, blah, blah. Naively, I bought that story.

    She continues to date the foreign kid thru the summer and fall, but under pressure from her friends, he wasn’t a party boy, she breaks off with him after six months. Foreign boy is heartbroken. BROTHER had also been texting her to sneak out and meet him. Within a week, she lies to us as to where she is going and winds up over at BROTHER’S house having sex. I had my suspicions and my husband and I went over to there, beat on the door and she finally came out. BROTHER didn’t come out at the time, but my husband persisted and he finally showed his face. They had a conversation and my husband requested this kid contact him in a few days and tell him what kind of positive moves he is making in his life. Later he told him they needed to cut out the shenanigans and if he wanted to see our daughter, he needed to ask her out and come over to our house and hang for awhile. Not another word from this kid, which we expected. (We had our daughter go to counseling for casual sex and also her interests in drugs – shrooms and acid, which we found out bout after she was grounded and we read her texts.) Three weeks after her breakup, she gets back with the foreign boyfriend and two weeks later tells him about her affair. He almost breaks it off, but doesn’t. My husband rightly tells me, this kid is in for more heartbreak! After this, for the next three months, she treats this super nice, funny kid, so extremely poorly it makes us sick. Is this behavior guilt from her trashy actions when they broke up the first time, I wish I knew. I also found a letter from best friend describing their sexual escapades and drunkenness and how best friend was mad at my daughter and another girl for having had sex with BROTHER. At any rate, Foreign Boy finally had the smarts to break it off with my daughter a couple months ago. She has now graduated from highschool, and I just really don’t have trust in her at all. I sob everyday. I am sick of this crap and I would like to run away and just worry about myself!! I really don’t think there is much hope for this generation and I would hate to be having kids at this time.

  15. L.A. MikeTheSkeptic says:

    WMJ says:

    She continues to date the foreign kid thru the summer and fall, but under pressure from her friends, he wasn’t a party boy, she breaks off with him after six months.

    hi there,
    this is why i said that input from ALL concerned is absoluterly vital, and why powows are so important. sounds, regretfully, like your daughter’s taste in males isn’t the best. That foreign kid (correction–young adult–)sounded like a real catch. Sad. He sounded like the type of person who would call a family conference before having sex, as i indicated would be the best thing.

  16. WMJ says:

    Yes, this young man was a GEM. He’s 20, has been in America 5 years, and I bet he hasn’t had sex. He knows that experience is something special and just not going to have it with anyone. He was very respectful to us, to our daughter, and to his own parents. He told me once that he listened to what his mom said, she had experience and wisdom, and he knew she was right on issues. I would have liked to adopt him. My daughter’s loss, big time.

  17. Benilda Glen says:

    Hi Dr. Phil,
    I watched this show and the fact that my little girl will prematurely enter into sexual relations for attention scares me so much. I think about it often and she is only 7 years old right now. Both my kids, my daughter and my 13 year old son were adopted 5 years ago. Their biological mother died and the whereabouts of their father is unknown. My son has verbally expressed a desire to know his father but I am very hesitant to pursue a search for him due to what I firsthand know of him in being involved in domestic violence, possible drug use, and being in/out of jail due to various unknown charges. I just don’t need the added stress of a person with this type of history in my life. I know he so desperately needs a male role model/mentor and I have tried to hook my son up with Big Brothers on two occassions but both times were told they would be unable to find a match in my area. He is also involved in Boy Scouts but hasn’t seem to connected with anyone as a mentor at this point. As for my daughter, don’t know how to get her male influence other than getting a signicant other for myself. Oh, I guess I should mention, I am a single mom and have not been in a relationship the entire time that I have had them. I sort of desire a relationship but want to be very careful about who I bring into their lives so am not actively searching for a mate. I see however how my daughter attaches herself to the males that are in their life which primarily consists of family members. She loved her grandfather unconditionally before she even met him (He lives in NY and we live in CA), I am just not sure what to do to get that male influence for either of my kids at this point but don’t want them to lack it and then search for it inappropriately later. I should also comment that most of my family consists of single mothers so no real role models available there! What is a mother to do???

  18. Jessi says:

    I am 25 years old, I lost my virginity at 13 years of age and I would certainly not recommend these actions, however i do not understand why this is only aimed at girls. It comes across as chauvinistic to me, a male losing his virginity at a very early age, it seems to me correct me if im wrong, has just as much potential to seriously affect their life.
    just interested on the reasons because of the difference in whether the teenager is male or female, simply because it brought my down around me & i would hate to see people missing out on potential help, because of their gender.

    I may be completely off base, just interested.

  19. neinka lando says:

    Whit I know Dr. phil is that “you are what you believe” And when other people see you that is all they see of you/and or in you. Also the universal laws of attraction state that how ever you believe feel see or perceive the people and world around you, are the messages you are sending out; and the universal laws of attraction witch are those of the heavenly father will only let those people (who are those beliefs) be attracted to you. I learned that the first steps toward total enlightenment of the self are first admitting the truth and second being able to see all that you admit to.

  20. erin says:

    Teenage sex is so sad. They miss out on the special moment with their significant other that comes later in life and i think that should be discussed by the parents. I was about 23 when I first had sex, and it was the perfect moment and right time. I even checked with the doctor to make sure I was okay first. Teaching kids to wait is so important, but since they’re going to do it anyway I think they should be taught about condoms and how to use them.

  21. mommaof4 says:

    I have four children. We recently purchased our 12 1/2 yr old daughter a purity ring and took her out on a “date” to ask her for her “Hand in purity” and before she accepted the ring, we asked her to promise that she will wait, as her ring reads “true love will wait”. Her father opened up with her about how he was at her age…how he thought of girls, and what boys were after. Including himself. And how boys his age thought about girls who had sex and talked with their friends. I told my daughter I lost my virginity at the age of 15. I told her all the negatives about sex at that age. Because lets be honest, there were NO POSITIVES at that age! I did it because my friends were doing it, and I didn’t want to be left out. I wanted to be a part of their conversations, and be able to say I did it too.

    I can only pray that my daughter will put her integrity first, always know that “true love will wait”, and will have self respect for her body. Lord knows I can not be there 24/7, but I’ve also trusted him to guide her and help her make those difficult decisions.

  22. D-tiny says:

    I’m 14 and sadly i already had sex three times i deeply regret it and keep telling myself that i need to stop and i’m not going to do it again..but then i end up meeting or talking to somone and guys jus know what to say or what to do to get in a girls pants..for me i fall realy bad into pressure..i hate it i wish i knew how to handle it..ugh…ihonestly don’t think it has anyting to do with being cool at all..justsayingand the sad thing is, i had just got my purity ring a couple months before..this is a realy touchy subject for me sorry..i dnt know what al to say about it unless iwas actualy saying not talking…

  23. Brittany says:

    If you look at the biology, 13 isn’t too young to be sexual, that’s society’s rule! I don’t support 13 year olds having sex AT ALL, but you need to understand there will be those urges and peer-pressures. I know when I was younger, the subject of sex was seen as grown up, and special and mysterious, and I think that’s what drew kids to it. I don’t think kids would be so interested if it wasn’t so glamorised. I was always given the message ‘wait for the right guy’, because a 15 year old knows who ‘the right guy’ is. Seriously. You can’t stop kids from having those experimental urges, but you can stop them from seeing sex as this desirable milestone. Maybe give them alternative outlets?

  24. katie says:

    What is wrong with your head?! Just because there are a few girs who decide there lifes are worth the risk does not mean all girls are like that. Some girls are neither in their minds. They know about all the cocequences and they decide for themselves that its worth it to risk it. I have some friends that decided it was worth it once. She is not loose. She knows the danger she just went through with it because she decided it was worth it. She decided this with her boyfriend and her mother. So many people don’t know the consequences and end up all alone and crying over what they did. She thought it thru and prepared for the moment as best she could. She is now happy and expecting a baby soon. Which goes to show not all teen mothers are unprepare, loose, or confuse. They choose and are willing to take the risk to be with someone. (^_^)

  25. Bernice says:

    I have one daughter, and I was rather shy about talking about sex with her when she was a teenager. She is now 25 and is doing okay, but I wish I had been more open with her as far as letting her know that she could talk to me about anything and everything. I feel that she learned most of what she thinks about sex from her college friends and her peers. I feel bad about that. I agree with Dr. Phil that we should not discuss everything about our past with our teens. They might feel that since we turned out okay in spite of some terrible choices we made, that they can do certain things and everything will be okay.

    My daughter’s older brother’s wife had told her about the wild life her brother had lived during his college years, and I think that influenced her to make a few unwise choices when she was in college. Because her brother turned out to be very successful businessman, and I think she felt she could break out and experiment and still turn out okay as well. She understands now that it’s not easy to make up for the time she lost from fooling around, and she suffered quite a few setbacks. The young man who she was sexually involved with in college ended up marrying an older woman and breaking my daughter’s heart.

  26. Jane says:

    Since our kids see sex so near-completely and irresponsibly portrayed in movies, ads, tv shows (including soap operas), ETC., that come right into our homes by too many actors playing characters who use sex to hurt other people, to seduce reluctant paramours, to do anything BUT show two people lovingly mature enough for sex, aware of all the implications and etc… why are we the least bit surprised to see our kids doing what our media has so carefully programmed and groomed them to do their whole lives?

    If our media won’t get real about sex, violence and etc., maybe it’s time for us to go ”off-grid” and refuse to view any programs that don’t portray sex responsibly, lovingly, realistically.

  27. vin says:

    This generation have been brought up expecting to grow up alot quicker in all areas including sex. . . .

    My oldest son is 14 and through continued communication, guidelines and support have been able to steer us clear of underage sex and such, so far. . . He has told me that sex isn’t such an issue because the consequences of unprotected sex, pregnancy and parenthood happen to everyone else not themselves. His mates talk about sex openly and more than half have admitted to having sex already.

    The age for having children has dropped dramatically and has an astounding effect on the dynamics of our families and communities as young parents try to parent confidently and continue to be parented???

    Instead of worrying about the next person and the next youth, we as parents need to start plugging in to our own kids to ensure they grow up being the best person they can be with morals that will benefit themselves and their future. Easy to say I know, it will be worth it though :-)

  28. SamanthafromNL says:

    I am now 21 years.. Started having sex when I was 15, smart? Not at all. Regret it? Definetly. My first boyfriend was a typical teenage boy I suppose.. He was nice an sweet at first, but soon he started to change and want more then just hugs. I had a pretty lonely childhood (being bullied, never had friend etc.) so I was afraid to lose him. I thought I loved him and all that, Boy was I wrong! Eventually I gave in and had sex with him. Well as all women know, first time wasnt fun nice or special in any way. The times after that werent any better, in the opposite, they got worse. He wanted to try without a condom, and I gave in. Thankfully I never got pregnant. He was a terrible first boyfriend to have tho.. If I told him no, he would get abusive. Would it have helped me if my parents talked to me about it? I don’t think so. Maybe its different for other teenagers, it has something to do with ur relation with your parents aswell. Mine wasnt all that good so i would have found it very embarrasing, and would want it to be over FAST! I did however walk in on my parents a couple of times, but I actually found it gross and stuff so it didnt trigger any thoughts in my mind that it was OK to do because they did it.

    Now for a parents point of vieuw.. With the experience I had with my first boyfriend, if i may ever be blessed with a daughter, I will definetly talk to her about it. I hope to have a good relation with my children so I can both parent them, and also talk freely about everything like sex and drugs ( I’m dutch and since weed are legal here, and I see 12 yr olds smoking it, and because I have used it aswell I want to be able to warn them) without them being embarrased in any way. Starting having sex early is really a stupid thing to do. But its everwhere now. If you turn on the tv, all you see is half naked women dancing like.. well, you probabla know what i mean. Even in cartoons its getting worse. Its all pressure on looking good, being sexy and popular. Schools dont do anything about it either. I myself had 1 sex ad class when I was 12, and they handed out condoms and showed on a plastic penis how to put it on correctly. They never mensioned you could get an std or children from it.

    So what to do as a parent? Well I cant really say since im not a parent yet.. But I think it is good to talk to your children about it (lets not forget boys can get in trouble aswell and the pressure for them is even bigger then for girls! since boys always have to show off to their friends ;) ) Make sure they know its not just something you do, it will stay with you for the rest of your life. Not only when you get pregnant but it is a memory you will never forget!

  29. CinAussie says:

    Wow, i cant believe the nievity of some of these girls. Have soome self respect and save your vaginity until you are an adult!! Who cares if your friends are doing it??!! Honestly if your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow, or would you stick up for yourself and say ‘NO’.? It is a very easy word to say. But actions speak louder than words, so lets save ourselves until we are adults..let kids be exactly that, kids. enjoy your time as a child on this earth, do childlike activities, not adult activities.

  30. Meagan says:

    I lost my virginity at the age of 16, and am now 20 years old. I have no shame or regret in losing my virginity when I thought I was ready. As a victim of sexual assault,only 6 days later (different man), I now know my body, am aware of myself and my desires, and know that Love and Sex are two very important and intertwined entities.

    I find it upsetting that the blame is placed on females explicitly, however I am trying to understand both sides of the story.

  31. Susan says:

    Personally, I think teens having sex, be they boys OR girls, is a very BAD idea, for at least three good reasons:

    1. The unwanted possible consequences of pregnancy
    2. The even more unwanted possible consequences of incurable or fatal STDs
    3. The possibility of jail or prison if an adult person, male or female, has sex with a girl or boy who is underage.

    What amazes me is that so many of these teenagers who are having sex in both middle and high school have this incredible naive attitude that “it (any or all of the three reasons listed) can never happen to me.” I have news for them; it CAN and it HAS happened to others, and could just as easily happen to them too.

    Therefore, they shouldn’t be so foolish as to suppose they are somehow “immune” from these life-altering, and potentially-fatal events that can occur by having sex long before they are ready to deal with the possible outcomes of it. Although it isn’t popular to say, the ONLY way to avoid the possible consequences of sex is to avoid it completely. Preferably, until teens have become adults and have completed both their high school and college or vocational education.

  32. Makana says:

    I feel that it is our own personal decision when we choose to make the decision for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with using your body in the way you choose.


  33. Allison says:

    It’s the parents’ fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \\

    They Are TOOO busy!!!!!!!!!

  34. kris shoop says:

    Dr Phil,

    I am 52 years old and single and all alone in my life now. I was raised by an alcoholic dad and mother who was in serious Denial. I did not know it at the time but that situation ruined my life. I was a very intelligent child but was so confused about my home life that I did things that most people would not ever think about doing. I had sex as a pre teen and as a teenager with people my age and with older men. I was very promiscuous. But not for the sake of sexual gratification. It was all for the attention that i got. That is why girls do it I think. Their parents are so dysfunctional that they do not realize what they are doing to their children. Trust me I know. It is awful what parents do to their children and they do not even know they are doing it. How do you stop this abuse. that is what it is. child abuse

    I have no children chose not to because my childhood was so unhappy i could not bear to bring another child into this world. I think many people are this way more than you know about. It is really sad cause it is ruining our childrens future. Well whatever I survived but I did not flourish in my life. The potential in me was smothered when I was very young. It was I know It and So do YOU. Lets talk about it. It is an epidemic in this country.

  35. kris shoop says:

    I know that this problem lies with the parental guidance that is going on in this world today. I know it for sure. You can blame this or that but people learn their values at home and you will not convince me otherwise. But when you look at the system the abuse of the government and such who can lay blame on anybody else? It is an epidemic. It will ruin America.

  36. kris shoop says:

    definitely Confused Girls and more so confused parents. that is the problem! I saw the parents you had on Tv Today they were so very dysfunctional ,So how do we expect our children to grow up to be Functional? You tell me. It is out of control. Children do not have sex for pleasure
    They have it for Acceptance, Attention, Something they are Missing At Home. Love. Real Love. It i scarce these days.

  37. Brandee says:

    I personally don’t think that we need to share certain pieces of information with our kids. Parenting is about guidance – pointing out what ’should be’ not what ’shouldn’t’. In short, Dr. Phil, I do not think you are off-base whatsoever.

  38. Shelton Evans says:

    Good Morning Dr. Phil,

    I’m a 33 year old Youth Advocate for a School District I’m not a biological parent, however I parent a great deal of kids in the community and I deal with young ladies and this issue daily. I agree with you it’s a great deal of parents who share way too much with their child. Parents have to realize that your kids look up to you and think the world of you and they’ll immitate you to the fullest if their not properly prepared for life. I feel it’s appropriate to discuss situations without getting personal and provide them with tools to think critically in those situations. I make it a point to instill the “your better than that” attitude. Some young ladies lack a general sense of self and what it means to respect yourself. That’s a learned condition so if they’re not taught to respect themselves and what that looks like their other option is to disrespect themselves early and learn late. Absence of productive fathers is an influence for these young ladies to go and fill that gap of a man in their life. Vice versa!!

    Have a blessed day!!

    Shelton Evans

  39. MoodyGuy says:

    The sad bit in this situation is that it’s so true.. Girls ARE becoming more sexually active in such a young age. I am in Norway and I often hear young girls giving birth and that too at a very very young age. Why is such happening? Well I guess it’s because of the lack of respect of relations and the beauty of being with someone special isn’t special anymore for kids due to the media pushing girls into a “materialistic” zone.

  40. Laura says:

    I am a mom of a very mature 14 year old daughter! She looks like she is 17 or 18. She has a boyfriend that is 15 and they have been dating for a year. I talk to her everyday about sex and reasons not to have sex at her age. His mom does the same with him. They both tell us they have not had sex and they have told us they want to wait until they are married. I have explained to them that it is very hard to wait, but you have to make that commitment to yourself and don’t give in. They think they are in love with each other and they seem to have a great relationship for their age. We do not leave them home alone together, but they do watch T.V. in a room by themselves with the door closed. I pop in at random times and his mom does the same. They are very comfortable with each other and are very affectionate towards one another in front of myself and my husband and in front of his mom. They are not ashamed of their feelings for each other! I hope I am not being nieve in thinking they have made this commitment of no pre-marital sex and are abiding by it. We are very open with both of them and my daughter will come to me and ask any question that comes before her, no matter what it is. She has embarassed me with some of her questions, but I do answer honestly and try to explain things to her to best of my knowledge. She knows of girls that are having sex and not only with one boy, but multiple partners and she thinks that is disgusting. I believe if you talk to your children and leave the line of communication open they will be comfortable enough to come to you in any situation.

  41. ImNoExpert says:

    I’m no expert in psychology, but I know my own life. When I was 16, I asked my dad when my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary would be coming up, because I had seen stories in the local paper about other couples’ parties celebrating that event. My dad responded that his parents would not be celebrating that milestone, because my grandmother “would not want people to be counting the months between their wedding date and the day your Aunt was born.” This sharing of history did have an influence on my thinking about whether to have pre-marital sex. I think there is such a thing as too much sharing, and the parents’ role is not to reveal such things, but to talk to their kids about how good people ought to treat one another. Guide their aspirations, don’t fuel their darker impulses — is how I would put it.

  42. ImNoExpert says:

    There’s one other thing — kids get plenty of information to know how pregnancies get started, and about STDs. When you were talking to the girls on this show, Dr. Phil, you leaped straight from “What if you get pregnant?” to lecturing on how hard it is to raise a baby. I’ll bet these girls know there are other options. Why didn’t you address the consequences of abortion? Or of giving up a child for adoption? That was a glaring hole in this show, in my opinion, and is the reason why a girl’s eyes might glaze over when you are talking to her about raising a baby.

  43. Anissa says:

    I told my kids to much of my business from the past thinking I was helping and educating them to my past regrets and showing them how I have paid the cost for my actions and choices and how I have had to learn the hard way and so far the oldest three have used it against me. “YOU DID IT”
    If I could go back and keep my mouth shut, I would keep my mouth shut. Telling you kids your past does NOT help them, they just use it against you to do whatever they want to do and some of the rights and wrongs you have taught them goes right out of the window.

  44. Amir says:

    You can’t blame a single girl or someone individually. It is the whole environment as pointed out many already. That needs to be fixed before working individually around them. For example, if don’t want anyone to get wet, don’t try to dry them up right in the middle of ocean. The will become wet again. Work on the whole infrastructure of media, schools, colleges, your own role model and a lot. Otherwise, teenage (unwed) moms will get more popular than single (unwed) moms.

  45. Kira Lea says:

    As being a teen age mum myself, I can also see the girls points of view.
    I’m 19 this year, I fell pregnant at 16.. I was still using contriception, but still
    ended up being pregnant…
    I think this may oF happen, cause I wasn’t open with telling my parents cause they
    are some what strickt about everything. We had the birds n the bees talk pleanty of times but I still went ahead an had sex anyways. The first time I had sex my boyfriend at the time and I were at a mates party and he got me drunk, I’m not sure if it was rape because I can’t remember it all, but I feel pregnant soon after.
    In a way I wouldn’t give my daughter up for anything, but Im going to make sure we have a really close bond and let her know that I am always going
    to be here to talk to no matter what happens..

  46. mark91345 says:

    When I was 16, I had my first sexual encounter. The next day, I bragged to all my friends about it, as for me, it was a “conquest”. Yet, as an adult, I realize that it this girl was behaving promiscuously because she wanted some attention, some love, some kindness, and felt that sex would bring this. After a week or so, I became bored, as she was unattractive and uninteresting (I was 16).

    I can only imagine the feelings of shame and foolishness she felt for acting as she did. My behavior wasn’t stellar either, as I broke up with her by telephone. The point is that we were both young and foolish and simply had no business getting involved sexually at that age.

  47. Peter Ramsey says:

    I occassionally watch Dr Phil’s televized programmes here in Europe and while impressed by the universality and actuality of Dr Phil’s topics I am quite frankly most distresed at the imbalanced and deviant character of so many “adults” participating.

    The rise of sexual promiscuity (or is it ludeness and exhibitionism?) amongst young girls is no stranger to Europe either and as a middle aged man with a young daughter who is learning to become independent (at 21) while sustaining her own relationship with (an older) man, I am fully aware of how enticing that this phenomenon is to males.

    The instances where even I have been openly propositioned by quite young girls into going a step further with them, after their clumsy inquisitions, insinuations and inuendos, are too numerous to number. Such propositions are so poorly camouflaged that it is I who becomes embarassed at their brashness while I hastily seek a way out before the temptation evolves into something less innocent. To say that I have not been tempted would be a lie and I admit there are instances where I have even egged these young girls on to see if their propositions are sincere, or just to to test their knowledge of the subject matters and to see how far they would go. I must conclude here that in all such instances that I have experienced, their promiscuity has seemingly been aimed at receiving some form of benefit from their encounter with me, whether it is purely a financial arrangement or to gain some perverse respect from their peers supposedly to say “I have done an older man”.

    The results are often eye-openers for me and which leads me to believe that the promotion of pornography on the internet and the false perception they can remain “anonymous” while exploiting their feminine charms and nubile sexuality online for profit (blogging, webcams and home made blue movies) is to blame. I would dare to speculate that a sizable proportion of young girls have had some involvement in pornographic films or performing online sexual exposure.

    Some sci-fi types of movies sometimes appear to (subliminally?) project society’s behaviour patterns and male-female relationships (The Matrix, Clockwork Orange et al) wherein women take sexual initiatives and it is they who are eager to experiment. This leads me to question if it is the Laws and Morality of present day western society that are out of sync?

  48. Niek says:

    We are regural watchers of the Dr. Phil show in The Netherlands. We experience it as a pity that we some month behind in the shows, but that’s a fact we have to live with.
    We My wife(55) and I(59) and my youngest son (28) all have attended a self awareness training that really turned our life upside down in the good way. Having 2 kids and 2 grandchildren we are all totally happy in our lives, have a financially situation which make them to have a life of ease, dont have to worry about any incomes bills. We have shared our children in the difficult times we had to live on minimum wages, to have to work hard to survive and we share with them the difficulties we had in life. Not only on financial matters, but also in the emotional part in our life. In my opinion it brings your children extra possibilities in being open. They can learn from the mistakes we made and how we managed to overcome them. We also have a saying in our family : How bad a life might look like at a certain moment, it will always bring something good. When I had a lack of money, I have learned the value of it, When I became unemployed, I have learned what others must be feeling like, I have had a brn-out 15 years agon, now I am able to advise other who experience the same illness.
    Living in a very liberate country in ideas about sex and drugs, as you american most likely would feel about Holland, we also experience a change in thinking in our children about it. I strongly believe that the best way to raise your children is not to forbid them to do what is, in my opinion, bad for them. Because I can be wrong in my believes and I won’t help the to get experience in things they should not do. My believe is that they are totally capable, on any age, in making the correct decisions, as long as they are informed about consequenses and as long as they are supported in showing them about possible result of their actions. And even then they should be able to make their own mistakes, as long as they are not hurting anybody else in this. It will learn them to have a feeling of responsibility and to have a couple of parents who are willing to give them support on their actions and to learn them how to get a responsible life.
    Also we experience a big change in sex behaviour. As in our times a couple first needed to have an emotional connection for several month/years before sex came into picture, Now the youth like to have a sex experience first, before they try to find out if they are matching emotionally. I don’t know if this is good or wrong. It’s a different way of thinking. Our way of thinking did not prevent our genration of having so many divorces, so who we are to claim that we did it right. Not me

  49. WR says:

    Have you done a show on sex among underage boys as well? If not, I absolutely think you should. Sex involves two people, so why is it always the girls that are being discussed and analyzed?

    I sincerely think that we all need to speak about the boys’ part in this, if we want to get anywhere. A lot of boys do have certain expectations when it comes to girls – countless of times I hear crushed girls talk about how they don’t really want to have a sexual relationship with their boyfriend, but he insists they should and she’s afraid of losing him, so she gives in.

    Boys’ attitudes towards sex and women is what really needs to be discussed. It seems like most parents teach their daughters to not rush into anything sexual too fast, or to save themselves for marriage, and to respect their bodies. While the parents of boys don’t really say much at all, their sons are free to do pretty much anything they want. Boys are allowed to express their sexuality in today’s society while girls are not.

    So to sum it up, my belief is that you need to start with the boys’ and their parents attitudes towards sex and girls. If no one ever questions the males, we will never see a change.

    I really love this show, I just hope to someday see some new perspectives when it comes to this topic. Greetings from Europe

  50. austin gil says:

    here’s another angle to this we don’t really talk about. in this hyper-sexualized society that we live in today,there is another fallout to this. boys who are shy and introspective,and some of those who are not necessarily the best looking or most popular,are often overwhelmed by the stark over stimulation,not just sexually,but in every aspect of modern american life. they find it much harder today to find a viable niche in the over the top,in your face world that they must navigate. we incorrectly assume that greater wanton availability of sex seeking teen girls is of necessity the best thing for teen boys who want it also. we forget about the vulnerability to dysfunction,that is specific to boys and not girls on a sexual basis. and we don’t think about the devastation and humiliation that boys[and men of course too] when we so casually make fun of male sexual dysfunction,and we use, with cavallier disregard,phrases like “size matters”. where is the inner soft place for boys to go. they are not all just about sex. but they know that is what is expected of them. the feeling stuff,is not cool. the bad boy,gets the fruit,so to speak. the pattern goes on and on…………

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