I am sorry to hear of your plight. You could try to contact the State Labor Relations Division, to see if you have any recourse.

The depression is awful. You said you do not have mental health coverage, even with COBRA. If you did not feel this depression early on in your work history, but felt it because of the change in dynamic in the work place, then it would be difficult to try to qualify for Social Security Disability – it would not hurt anything to apply; but they would require records from you doctors, hospital, workplace, what you do on a daily basis.

I think you should polish up your resume and get onto the Internet looking for jobs, especially Head Hunters. While you are looking for jobs, look for programs for people changing their career fields. I think the medical field, especially nursing, is a good move, as people get sick.

I know this is a rough time, and that is an understatement. You should try to stay close to family and friends to count on; I had to move in with my sister when I lost my job. It is humbling but I am getting on my feet, and I am lucky to have her in my life.

Another avenue is to go to a temporary employment agency. More than likely if you are sent to an assignment and they like you, they will probably hire you full time in their company.

Keep your chin up and don’t let the bad boys get you down.

My psychiatrist says that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The philosopher Nietsche said “..it is always consoling to think about suicide, in that it gets one through many bad nights.”

Being so depressed and in financial dire straights is a difficult position for one in life. I am assuming at this point that you do not have any health benefits so you cannot obtain mental health services.

Certainly, I believe the economy is a factor in an increase in suicide for our country. If a man or woman cannot provide for their families, then it can slip from a normal depression, to a depression to one who has a predisposition to the disease. The problem is most insurance policies are void for death by suicide.

Are you single and isolated at this point? The isolation is part of the depression, and it can bring you to some dark places.

Moreover, the financial strains are unbearable. Even if you had financial security, you would need psychiatric help; but the poverty exacerbates the condition. It should be noted that people with money commit suicide as well.

Let’s say you decide to commit suicide. You have heard different stories about people taking their lives on the first attempt; but you have not heard the side of people that live through their attempts, maimed and in more pain, or possibly handicapped and in a worse predicament. And this can happen albeit with some of the methods mentioned by other people.

So I do not have a fear of death – I have a fear of not succeeding and pain.

My brother, Peter, was a genius. We grew up in a military family and our father was on long deployments on Naval Destroyers.

He was in and out of mental institutions; our parents did not have much money and this drained them even more. But when he was home, sometimes I would crawl on the top bunk with him when we were young and we would fall asleep together. I loved him.

He had dreams of winning the Nobel Prize and I was going to help him with his research. This was in the seventies; based on his hospitalizations, he thought that if one could get the brainwaves basically in sync, then it would improve the disease of depression. He died before it was researched.

I was 18 and in my freshman year of college, studying in the living room. Peter came into the living room and gave me his Merck Index. It would not be until later that I would find out people give away their prized possessions before they commit suicide. It would not be until his funeral that he wrote “Captain Peter XXXX M.D.”

Mama went to the Commissary and would pick up cigarettes and groceries for him; it just so happened I was available to come with her to Peter’s apartment. Mama had a key to his flat. But something was amiss – she used her key and the door was chain locked. The door was barely opened. Mama said she thought he’d left some hamburger out and it smelled like it had gone bad.

I pushed her back and told her to stay in the walk way. I pushed through the door and went through the living room into the one bedroom – the door was closed. I opened it and saw the bedspread raised from decomposition gases. I called his name a couple of times, but he said nothing.

I gently tugged the end of the bedspread and it flew off, exposing a body in rigor with the body blackened, as if it had been burned.

I went back to the hall and we called the police. We lived in Mobile, Alabama and pop was working as an engineer in Pascagoula, Mississippi. He was greeted by a line up of policemen, protecting the site from nosey newspaper men.

The police found a suicide letter that was torn up; it was pieced back together and he had regressed to his feelings when he was 13 years old.

When we went back home, Mama and Pop had to take each of the other kids one at a time into their bedroom to tell them the bad news. Our youngest brother, Michael, loved Peter the most of all 6 of us kids. I will never forget the initial ear piercing scream and crying that came from the room – he was only 10 and Peter was 20.

Pop died at age 50 and Mama at 53 from natural causes. I have Bipolar Disorder, High Manic I; I was a company director when it reached it’s peak; I lost my 6 figure salary, my New York style loft, and any chance of working again as the disease took away my ability to work. I am on Social Security Disability & Medicare. I live with my sister; half of my income goes to pharmacy & medical expenses. I had about $400K in 401K and savings and I lost $300K trying to save my home. But I ended up in foreclosure and bankruptcy.

I do not feel that suicide is selfish. Existentialists believe that people are free and responsible for their acts. I made a very close friend in college, when a classmate of mine and I found out that we both had siblings that committed suicide. She told me of her suicidal tendencies; she left her psychiatric nursing profession and became a chemical engineer.

The true test of our strength is the ability to overcome these obstacles in life. I have “things” and gave away or lost “things” – but they are only material. Once I got past that, I did not beat myself up so much; if I do I see my doctor.

I have very basic needs to make me happy. I never wanted a mansion and a lot of money. And I never thought I would ever accomplish as much as I did academically or in the Corporate world before my illness.

All I want is a little one bedroom, one bath clean little home in a safe neighborhood. That is it. I am alright with that, and I have made that my goal. Living with my sister, she has set up a budget as my trustee. And thank heavens this year the “donut hole” in Medicare charges half of brand name medicine; I had one medication that cost $2700 for a 3 month supply.

So if you can just make small goals, small steps toward a final goal, it may help you along the way. I don’t believe in the sugar plum fairy and all of that kind of non-sense. People who have not had that sinking feeling can’t appreciate the sick feeling. When I was on the psychiatric ward, one of the men in my therapy group had a father that shot himself in front of his children. He chose heroin and crack cocaine to ease his pain.

They may not let my comments through for this last paragraph. I believe in assisted suicide or euthanasia as an option, so that people diagnosed with mental illnesses can have a peaceful departure from this world.

In the Netherlands, two mothers who had children commit suicide, one by jumping on the tracks of a fast train (very common event) and a daughter who suffocated herself are advocating a peaceful way for other suicidal children to select, instead of dying such gruesome deaths. Just a note – the Netherlands is not a country that openly advocates and performs euthanasia and assisted suicides. This is a common piece of misinformation from the Internet.

Seven people worked in the office and about twenty men worked out in the field. I was one of the seven that worked in the office and was not part of the family or a family friend. The bullying became so bad that I admitted myself to a mental hospital to learn how to deal with this problem and also because my depression was getting worse.

After I was released from the hospital I expected to return to work with my new coping skills, but I was wrong. The owners (husband and wife) decided to lay me off with the reason being due to a lack of work. Since less than fifty people worked there, I could not be covered under the FMLA Act.

The first nine years that I worked there it was a pretty good job. Bullying was not a big issue. But then they hired a family friend (who was 19 going on 40). Her mother was working at the office and had been for about five years. She never disciplined her daughter for her behavior towards me. Everyone just stopped caring about me at the office. I felt very alone. I received no help from the husband and wife duo. I was just told to grow thicker skin.

Since I have been laid off from that job, I cry everyday. My depression has never been so low. Now, I do go out and apply for other jobs. The best job I could get was a seasonal position at Macy’s, which was very humbling for me. But now Macy’s has no openings for me and I am left jobless again.

I pay $ 500.00 a month for health insurance that does not include mental health, which is what I need the most. I have also not had a drink in over nineteen years and am involved in AA (my aniverssary date is February 16). I am forty-four years old and I never thought I would ever feel so bad. I am too afraid to drink and too afraid to kill myself.

I trusted my bosses from the subcontractor office and thought that they would never do this to me. I am still grieving the loss of that job. I just can’t seem to let go. My main reason for writing this is all about the unfairness of nepotism and bullying on the job. There should be laws for this. I know that there are laws in some parts of Europe. I just don’t have a leg to stand on. If I could, I would sue them for everything they have, but according to lawyers I have spoken to; I would never win. All of my savings and 401K are gone.

Basically, I feel I was let go because I went into a mental health hospital and also because nobody liked me at work. What they did is very unethical and morally wrong. I just wanted someone else to hear my story. I want this deep depression to go away. I feel like I am a mistake and that God has given up on me. Friends tell me this is not true, but it is hard to believe when you are the one in the middle of it all (plus people who do not suffer with depression just don’t get it, and I feel that they are tired of me too). I just feel very lost and alone with no place go.

The selfish act of this man has impacted not only our lives, but the lives of our other family members as well as his. The emotions run the gamut:

ANGER-we were living our lives, we want to live, and he almost killed us!
SADNESS-for his family’s loss and the loss of my daughters’ innocence, and sense of security and safety.
HELPLESSNESS-because I could not protect my daughters from this man’s actions.
SLEEPLESSNESS-nightmares because that awful night, the impact of his body hitting our windshield keeps playing over and over again.
DEPRESSION-a human life was lost and I was behind the wheel of the car that hit him, one of my worst fears, taking the life of someone, regardless of the fact it was this man’s choice, not mine. Joy is elusive, it is difficult to be happy when guarded all of the time.
FEAR-that something like this will happen again, every time we get behind the wheel of our cars, the slightest movement will startle us, we’re afraid someone will hit us or walk out in front of us again.
CONFUSION-why would anyone do such a horrific thing to another human being?
SHOCK-we still can’t wrap our brains around the fact that this happened to us. It was such a selfish act.

We live our lives in a way so as not to make a negative impact on anyone, yet this man came along and did just that, literally. Life will never be the same, ever. If you’re contemplating suicide, please, get help, because it causes more pain than it cures.