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November 1st, 2010 by Dr. Phil

Our Ninth Season: Ending the Silence

silence1Here we are, ready to begin our ninth season, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you this could very well be the most exciting, inspirational, and absolutely most important season we’ve ever undertaken. Seriously, if you were in our offices right now, you would feel the surge of enthusiasm up and down the hallways as we get ready for what’s to come. We are launching two new groundbreaking series that I know you are going to find riveting. And, you’ll get your first look at them this coming week on our debut shows.

First, I want to talk about what you’re going to see on Monday’s show. We’re beginning a powerful and very dramatic season-long campaign against domestic violence. Every 15 seconds, a woman is abused in this country. At some point, one out of four women will fall victim to domestic violence. Those are shameful statistics, and little about the situation seems to be improving. Today, domestic violence remains one of the most under-reported phenomena in American society.

Well, that’s about to change. When we launched the Dr. Phil show, I told you that I wanted to deal with the silent epidemics in America, and I want to go after this particular epidemic in a very big way. In our series, which we are calling “End the Silence on Domestic Violence,” we will introduce you to women who tragically have spent years silently enduring this abuse. You’ll meet other women — mothers, sisters and daughters — who will talk about how they didn’t really understand what danger they were in until it was too late. And, we’ll also introduce you to women who have learned, in a very painful way, that deep, searing abuse isn’t always physical.

For the rest of the year, we’re placing this issue squarely in the center of our daily platform. We’re going to show women of all ages what to look for in an abusive situation, and we’re going to give them the tools to get out safely. We’re going to be working with schools to create curriculums so that young men in America know, without a shadow of a doubt, that domestic abuse is never OK — and that there are ways to resolve conflict without resorting to physical violence. And, we’re organizing a task force with U.S. Congresspersons and with state legislators: men and women who can create legislation that will empower women to stand up for themselves or give them alternatives to living in an abusive situation.

On top of that, we’re creating a special place on DrPhil.com where you can go for updates and information, and where you can sign up to join this campaign. I’m calling those of you who join us the Silence Breakers. There will be times that you will get an e-mail from me where I say, “Silence Breakers, it is time to make some noise.” It may be because a piece of legislation is coming up, or it may be because something is happening in the court system which calls for your response. That’s why I want you watching Monday, so that you will be with us at the very beginning, to help break the silence.

Sign the pledge to end domestic violence.

Print and sign this letter drafted by Congresswoman Gwen Moore and send to your Representative in support of the reauthorization of the Family Violence and Protection Services Act (FVPSA), which keeps domestic shelters open and provides advocacy, counseling and legal services for families in need.

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388 Responses to “Our Ninth Season: Ending the Silence”

  1. Lisa Kersey says:

    In Florida Domestic Violence prosecution is a joke. My ex-husband is much better at lying than I am at telling the truth since everyone seems to listen to him & no one will listen to me. Or maybe they are all afraid to confront him? Some of his past lawyers even think he is crazy. He alternates between calling DCF (Dept of Children & families) & filing false reports against me and then filing spurious motions to take me back to court. We have played this ping-pong game for 11 years. In between times, we are in court to deal with non-payment of child support. My heart was hurt recently to find out how afraid my children have been of him because of his threats to them & his ‘anger issues’ over the years–while he has had visitation with them. Yet, since there was no proof of physical abuse of the children, the court would not step in & limit his time with them.
    This is truly still a Silent Epidemic because we, as victims, find out that when we do come forward & ask for help–NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO HELP US!!!!!!!

  2. Susan says:

    In the effort to prevent as many future cases of domestic violence as possible, I thought this brief list of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” might be helpful to any young woman or young man who hasn’t begun dating yet. Although this list may not prevent all future cases of abuse, if it prevents even one or more, that will be enough for me. I will add other items to the list when they come to mind.

    DO’s

    1. Avoid sexual and even romantic relationships while you are in high school, vocational school or college. The more focused you are on your education now and job/career in the future, the better. There is plenty of time for romantic and sexual relationships after you complete all your education and get a good job.

    2. Make a firm promise to yourself that you will not accept any form of abuse from anyone you date as an adult, whether it is insults and cruel names or physical violence such as hitting. If a man (or woman) hits you even once, or uses cruel insults just once, end the relationship immediately. Do not listen to any phone calls, or read any emails or letters from the person who abused you; the relationship is over.

    3. Always keep one bank account in your name only, even if you decide to get married. I believe it is always a mistake to give up any of your financial independence.

    DON’Ts

    1. Don’t allow anyone you are dating to persuade you to move in with him (or her) and give up your own place of residence. This is especially true of someone you have only known for a few months.

    2. Don’t allow anyone you are dating to persuade you to marry him (or her) when you have only known this person for six months or less. It is far more difficult to end a marriage, because you would then be legally tied to this person if he turns out to be an abuser.

    3. Don’t have a child with any person you have only known for a few months or less than a year.. Make sure you are on reliable birth control if you are having a sexual relationship with anyone.

    Obviously, these are only suggestions, but I hope they will be helpful ones. I still think it’s important to read one or more books that describe the warning signs of abusers and abusive behavior.

  3. Lisa Grow says:

    As a certified gender violence interventionist and a survivor of violence I am overwhelmingly grateful for the Dr Phil Shows platform to end the silence on domestic violence. The number of ways domestic violence can affect people and the world we live in is astounding, and even more astounding is the fact that this issue is not getting the attention it deserves. Thank you Dr Phil and staff for shining light on this dark issue,

  4. Susan says:

    This is another suggestion for the “DON’T” list:

    4. Don’t continue to date and especially don’t marry anyone who insists that you give up your current job, if you already have one, so that person can “take care of you.” Your job is your key to financial independence, along with the enjoyment of that job and the income you receive from it. Unless YOU want to quit that job to look for a new one, giving it up for a partner could be a serious mistake.

  5. Cris says:

    One of the biggest problems with domestic violence issues, and there are sooo many, is that no one is listening to the children involved. Often the victim seems to have no voice, but the children are often looked over and made to do whatever someone else tells them to do. Also, sometimes there are no warnings of violence until its too late.

    My sister was shot 5 times by her husband who then turned the gun and shot himself, killing both of them and it was all in front of my nephew who was 8 years old at the time. This was April of 2009. They had only been married a couple of months but he had never and i mean NEVER been abusive to her. Her children were home, the youngest watched from his bedroom door not believeing that the gun was real until he saw his stepfather shoot himself. He then ran out to get his sister who came in and saw the aftermath and actually picked my sister’s phone up off her chest and tried to call 911 for help but when she saw his body she screamed and threw the phone.

    These children lost almost everything that day and we have tried to pick up the pieces and move on. They came to live with me and as we mourned this horrible event we became ven closer than we were before. Let me also say that my sister married my husbands brother, so we had double the horror. Now, the childrens sperm donor (because thats all he has been) decided that he should have these children that he has not been a part of prior to this. He is not a US citizen, spent time in prison for child endangerment, wasnt paying child support, and is pretty much a stranger to them. He wants to take them away from the only thing they have left to hang on to. They have been in the same school, same church, and with this family for long before this happend and this is the only sense of security they have. My neice is now admitted to an adolescent psychiatric facility because when the judge said they will be going to live with their dad in a few months she couldn’t emotionally handle it and began having hallucinations, nightmares, and wants to die to be with her mother. She has tried to jump from moving vehicles, ran into busy highways, climbed under vehicles. She is ANGRY! She just turned 11 yesterday and wants to know when is enough enough and when will someone listen to what she wants and how she feels?

    Domestic violence hurts everyone!! And our judicial system is FAILING miserably in soo many ways to protect the victims.

  6. Brenda Olson says:

    My sister was the victim of domestic violence several years ago. Her ex husband ruptured her spleen with a baseball bat to the back and cut her neck with a butcher knife. She is lucky that she survived. Myself and my family rescued her and her two boys. They lived with us for almost a year. We helped her press charges against him, divorce him, sell their home, get a job and get her life back on track with her own apartment eventually etc. After the loser got out of jail several years later – she went back to him and they have 2 more kids together. I cannot even bear to speak with her on the telephone for fear that she will tell me something that will force me to call D.C.S. and have her children taken away from her. So sad! I do not believe the justice system, society or anyone else is to blame. These women are obviously BROKEN inside…why would you choose to go back to such a person? Subject your babies to that sort of violent situation? Have the gall to tell people that you willing walked back into that lifestyle? We need to find a way to brainwash or rewire the brains of women who have subjected themselves to domestic violence!!!

  7. Sarah says:

    Don’t have time to read through all the comments but something I don’t see mentioned nearly enough where DV is concerned is this: *many* victims grow up in abuse where of course their parents never admit they’re doing anything wrong. Too often, if the kids try to tell a teacher or whoever, when the abusive parents are confronted they easily lie about the child being ”clumsy” or ”bruises easily” or , worse , that the child ”tells outrageous lies about we who love him/her so very much”.

    Maybe worst of all is the message communicated to kids that ABUSE IS NORMAL. EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH IT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, IT’S JUST SOMETHING THAT’S TABOO TO TALK ABOUT, EXACTLY LIKE IT’S TABOO TO ASK PEOPLE HOW MUCH THEY’RE EARNING.

    The media doesn’t help as it portrays so many families and relationships in general as dysfunctional beyond belief. Nor how ”everyone” is having affairs, ”all” teens are having casual sex, women ”have” to be sexy if they want to land a guy in a world where women ”need” a guy for the women to ”be taken seriously”. :p

    Frankly, we need more shows on broadcast tv that show what healthy family interactions are all about. 7th Heaven did a pretty good job with that. Medium does but there’s too much violence on it for younger kids. Ghost Whisperer showed a healthy couple and healthy relationships though it could get intense for kids too. Or what about a weekly series that shows maybe 3+ vignettes per episode of interactions done wrong and then how to do things right.. wouldn’t something like that help people see what’s wrong and how they can change things for the better?

    Highlighting abuse is an important first step. Helping people change their from-birth programming, heal and move forward in freedom is what America really needs now. Remember, it was extremely abusive of frauding wall street to hurt so many decent people, it’s been extremely abusive of so many companies to merger and destroy so many good people’s careers… most of our leaders are sick now and badly need healing for everyone’s sake. I hope this healing begins soon… for our kids most of all.

  8. Ruth Brown says:

    I am the mother of an abused wife. There are 2 children involved whom at the time were 1 and 3 years old. She took years of this abuse but was finally saved when we had to take her to the hospital after one of these attacks on her person. The kids are now 12 and 14. We have helped her raise the kids and they have become my second family. This hard on myself and my husband as his health is not that great. The rewards to seeing the kids grow up some what happy are worth many of the things that we have given up.
    I find that everyone is telling these women to leave and go to safty they do not want to help them in anyway. I guess they feel they have done their duty if the woman is safe but what happens when they need someone or something? The local agencies throw them out the door if they have a job. I have found that a hand up is not a hand out. A good example of what I’m trying to say is that my daughters car died and she did not have any money left over to cover car payments nor after she left the rat she was married to was her credit any good all these ” DONATE YOUR CARS” places refused to help her. She has had a friend that loaned her his truck now needs it back and she is busting her butt trying to find a suv that is safe and reliable for her and the kids.
    I think more women would run from these abusive relationships if they could count on help. Talk is cheap but your program has laid some insight to the problems these women face.

  9. Anny says:

    I am a domestic violence victim and I can say it’s not easy calling the police and having them step into your life. When you call the police it can take hours for them to come, by then the abuser is calmed down, kids are around and who wants to explain what happened hours ago to the police in front of the children (when they act as if you’re wasting their time). I did call them countless times and a few times I was accused of antagonizing him even though I had a protection order on him from an assault charge and he clearly violated the order. My life isn’t easy even though I’ve been away from him (in hiding) for years he will always haunt me. He has moved on to abusing a new girl and will harass me by e-mail ever so often. I pressed new charges on him this year and am still waiting around for the court date, I pray the court will grant me a longer protection order and wish he would just move far away from me because this has gone on for the last ten years.

  10. Heather says:

    Hi Dr. Phil!

    Thank you for addressing Domestic Violence. I took your pledge because it is not a difficult choice to be committed to take a stand. I have a question about why some people have difficulty accepting that women are abused? Here in Alberta I have noticed when women talk about being abused there are some folk who have a knee jerk reaction “and Men to”. What I realised, over a long period of time, is that this is a put down directed at a woman who articulates the experience of being a victem of domestic violence. Shuting down the voice of a Woman delays the healing .

  11. Nancy says:

    I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have been an advocate at a battered womens shelter for the last 3 years and love my job. It is so rewarding when I see a family successfully break away from a violent relationship. The goverment finally got one thing right when they came out with the new HPRP rapid rehousing program through HUD this year. It helps pay deposits, old utility bills these men put in the womens names and rent among other things and makes it possible for
    these women to get housing for them and their children. I would also like to remind all schools that your local domestic violence shelters can come to your schools and do programs on bullying and teen dating violence. We can also come to churches and businesses. Most shelters also do counseling that women can come to who do not want to stay at the shelter. I hope more people will take advantage of these things. And to those of you who do not need our services, please donate whatever you can, pillows, blankets, diapers, shampoo, ect. We can use everything! And you can also come and donate your time. Thank you Dr. Phil for helping bring this to the publics attention. God Bless You!!!

  12. Elizabeth Stelzner says:

    Hello Dr. Phil,

    I looked up your website because of your spot on the Joy Behar show. The statement you have made that this is one of the silent, unreported and fairly prevelant crimes is the tip of the iceberg and more accurate than you can imagine.

    I am 43, divorced after 20 years of marriage, met a man who I dated for a year and had a son with. He became extremely violent and abusive when I was pregnant and abusive before but more mild and manageable. I had no idea what to do with him and was exhausted mentally, physically and financially trying to survive it and still feel like I was making the right decisions. It involved CPS, police and our families and friends. He is currently incarcerated, 1 covicted felony, 5 misdeamenors and 1 felony and several more misdemeanor counts pending. This is after making a deal over 3 felony counts and over 28 misdeamenor counts.

    I suffered beatings, bruising, physical restraint, sexual abuse, hair pulled out, clothing ripped, bruised wrists from beating him off of me, few while my infant was in my arms. Personal property destroyed, i.e. mercedes, furniture, home, my child removed by cps because of his behavor, having to stay in a shelter, leave the state to stay with family. I have barely survived the most horrendous experience of my life and my family is finally on the path to rebuilding our lives.

    I am currently filing papers to remove his parental rights, I maintain full custody given to me by the courts, his family is not allowed to communicate with me and I have a restarining order currently that is without an expiration date. When he is released I will have to relocate because he has no respect for the law. So, I continue to suffer and have to move my family from where I have lived my entire life because he will never change.

    Elizabeth

  13. michelle martinez says:

    I am from Tampa, Fl . My friend jennifer johnson was killed by her boyfriend . This man had a history of charges for abuse . Jennifer had been to the hospital many times because of his abuse. Jennifer also had many reports with the police department . when a woman is in abuse she is afraid for her life and her children . The abuser often tells you that if you leave you will die and you believe this to be true in your whole being . I feel that if there was a state run program simalar to DCF for woman alot of woman would not have to die . Mandatory reporting of abuse by police doctors, counslers……..and a formal investagation into the case. Many people think that a woman can just leave of her free will but this is just like a child in abuse fear takes over.

  14. Annie says:

    Replied By: lostinsystem on Oct 3, 2010, 3:13AM
    I am a divorced mother. My ex-husband was very abusive to me for many years.
    We have a son together,which I have custody of. We left our abuser when my son was a year and a half old. My son has been abused during Parenting time. When he was too young to talk, he endured a dislocated elbow, fall down the stairs, tear in his rectum,blood in his stools, cigarette burn on his finger, a fall that scaped up his face,shoulders, and knees (it actually looked like rug burns). bruises in his mouth for a smack from dad, and a cut from one of daddy’s arrows. CPS has been contacted and have UNSUBSTANTCIATED all of these injuries. The courts say “Boys will be boys and they get hurt”. I am very fearful of what will happen next. On September 4,2010, my son came home from a Visit with his dad and said that his dad and aunt got into a huge fight ( the aunt is supposed to be the supervisor of the visits, but is an alcoholic ) . He also stated that dad pointed a gun at him. Dad is a felon (he has had 9 DUI charges,and is not allowed to have guns in his possession, The father is also currently on House Arrest for driving without a license.). CPS has talked with us and with the father. The father is blaming me for this incident. Nothing has been done as of yet. My son is scared to visit his dads, but the court has told me that if I deny visitation they will find me in CONTEMPT and put me in jail and I will LOSE Custody of my son. Even though the father is on house arrest, he is able to put my son on a scooter and take him places. He even took him canoeing. He is getting away with this by telling probation that he works til 7:00 every day. He is also almost $20,000 in arrears in Child Support. I have always had an attorney when we go to court.He does not, but he always gets away with his lies. It is part of the charm and manipulation that abusers use to get their way. My son and I are attending Domestic Violence Group meetings that are helping us to understand the fathers ways, but it is not keeping my son safe.
    What can I do to help STOP THE CYCLE OF ABUSE???????

  15. Michelle says:

    I divorced my abuser 5 yrs ago. My oldest remembers his father and the abuse and he was only 2 or 3 yrs old. My youngest was only a few months old. This summer my oldest went to spend time with his Dad and his family. He was suppose to stay with them for two months. My son was abused by his Dad, his Step Mom and his older siblings. Examples: They made him dress up like a girl and dance next to a major road to charge his DSI. His Sister would starve him saying if he eats more he’s going to get fat like his Mom. His 17 yr old brother who has his own child hit, called him a faggot told him he was going to suck ***** when he grows up. He would throw him down and make him cry. His Step Mom would tell him he was bad, liar and he was stupid and he wasn’t special. When he was at his Dads house his Dad took me to child support to lower it from $500.00 a month to $150.00 a month telling my son I was trying to steal his Dads money. His Dad thought it was funny to show him a video of a grown man having sex with a chicken. Well my 8 year old son was so miserable he tried to hang himself. I received a phone call from his Dad saying guess what your son tried to do. I spoke with my son to find out what was going on. All he did was cry and said get me out of here. They hung up and wouldn’t answer the phone. I had to call the State police for a wellness check. I had to call back 5 times before I got an answer. They told them he had to go to the hospital in the morning. My son was home in two days and it’s been hard with only my Whopping $150.00 a month and no insurance to get my son help. I’ve had DCF at my house in FL about this incident but his Dad lives in MD and nothing has happened.

  16. Terri says:

    I also finally got away from an emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. After waiting 4 years for the divorce, he broke into and vandalized my home. The police would not take fingerprints, so no charges could be brought. After I got my third protective order, he smirked at me on his way out of the courthouse, because he knows he can get away with it. And get this: I’m a lawyer! The judges have bent over backwards to save him from embarrassment, yet feel free to humiliate me by letting him perjure himself by testifying he caught me with a married man and that’s who must’ve broken into my house. He’s threatened to kill me and my kids, filed spurious motions, and now, my “good neighbor” insurance company is canceling me because of his vandalism, so I have to go into a “high risk” expensive pool. The legal system is a joke. I have a piece of paper that says he can’t hurt me. I’ll be sure to hold it in front of my face when he comes over with a gun.

  17. shana Brazil says:

    I recently lost my Aunt Connie. She was beaten and stabbed to death, and after he finished her off he shot himself. I learned later that she had shared with certain people that she was scared of him and what he was capable of doing. I want the silence to end. I want woman to stand up and be strong. Look within and really say to yourselves, “I am special because there is no one in the world like me. I am important because there is SOMEONE in this world that loves me. I am a living, breathing example of what good people really are!”
    If you are with someone that verbally abuses you, stop telling yourself they will never hurt you. They are killing you slowly.
    My sister is my best friend. She lives many miles away and I know that she deals with someone that verbally abuses her, cheats on her, and treats her son horribly. I can only pray that she finds the strength to see how amazing she is. The last time I saw her she was broken. That is the only way I can describe her. It kills me to watch someone SO smart, funny, compassionate and amazing slowly drain into a pile of utter defeat.
    END THE SILENCE!
    Thank you,
    SB

  18. Molly says:

    Some people will say that I was an idiot for thinking that things would be different for me because I wasn’t anything like my ex’s last girlfriend, but at the time I still thought I knew everything. I spent just short of 10 years in an abusive relationship, I got out a little more than 3 years ago – the experience I had was one I know that I will be affected by for the rest of my life and in any relationship I might have in the future. There were so many red flags and warning signs, and I should have left so many times, should have just ended it and never looked back. But I didn’t. He’d call and call, until I would agree to see him – after a while I knew the pattern, so well that I was terrified of going inside the house with him, just crossing that threshold and leaving the comparative safety of the front porch usually meant that for me, the next 12 or more hours would be absolute hell from the minute the door closed behind us. It was the worst when we were alone, but he didn’t care if there were people around to see him punching, kicking, screaming, choking, throwing things at me or me into things, dragging me by my hair, and even preventing me from leaving (which he did because he feared that I would go to the police, until I learned with each “next time” that the only way I would be allowed to go anywhere was to wait it out and to not say anything because that would always turn things back to maximum volatility – I think I will always hesitate to openly express my emotions because of that.) I was most ashamed about the many times that his niece saw him abusing me, at the time she was still in elementary school and I’ve read so many reports and studies so I know just how much a child witnessing such things will be affected by it in their own lives and relationships.

    Not long after the day I called the police myself (instead of the neighbors calling because they were afraid if they didn’t, he would end up killing me) and stuck to pressing charges along with obtaining a restraining order, I remember being on the telephone with my mother and asking her if there was something wrong with me, if I was somehow defective because I let all of those things happen to me over and over and it took me 10 years before I did something to help myself. The way her voice shook when she told me that I wasn’t defective was difficult for me to bear..it still is. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I’m hoping that at some point, I’ll get the chance to make a meaningful contribution to the world around me…to do something that in a small way will leave things better than I found them. If I can do that, it’ll be enough.

  19. pjkizziah says:

    domestic violence of a spouse is also BULLYING same thing… I lived with it for many years and believe I will never recover but my prays and blessings to others who have recovered and if you are being abused RUN RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK and thank you to Dr.Phil for making people aware that verbal and mental abuse is a violent attack on the psyche it most often people will reply to a telling of abuse and the listener will ask But did He HIT you and if you answer yes a few times then the listener will be filled with i’m so sorry, but I would have taken a beating everyday to have been treat like a human being the rest of the time. don’t most folks say boy I hated a lecture from my parent I just wanted the spanking and go on my way..imagine getting the lectures for hours,day,weeks,years engraved forever DR.PHIL thank you for being the wonderful example of a good man. joy age 58

  20. Susan says:

    Here’s another item to add to the “DO” list:

    Read as many books and articles on the warning signs of an abuser (man or woman) BEFORE getting into your first or next relationship. The more informed women and men are about warning signs of abusers, the faster they can spot these signs in potential partners and end those relationships immediately.

    Two good online articles are:

    1. Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man, by Stephany Alexander

    2. Married to an Abuser: Identifying Early Warning Signs of Abusive and Controlling Men

    These online articles can be found through the Google search engine.

  21. vila Polaco says:

    Dr. Phil, I thank you for understanding this is more than a one month topic. I will take you on your invitation to media outlests to help get the word out. We will post it on our blog.

  22. Susan says:

    IMPORTANT RED FLAGS THAT A WOMAN NEEDS TO WATCH FOR:

    1. His insisting on making all the decisions about what she does or where she goes.

    2. Pressuring her to move with him to another town or state, far away from her family and friends, to ISOLATE her from them.

    3. Getting angry whenever she wants to go somewhere by herself.

    4. Accusing her of “flirting” with just about any man she looks at or talks to.

    5. Getting angry at her for spending any time with her family or friends.

    6. Pressuring her soon after they meet (anywhere from two to six months) to either move in with or worse, marry him.

    7. Insulting her choice of job or career, trying to persuade her to give it up.

    8. Addicition to alcohol, drugs or both.

    9. Humiliating her in front of her family or friends.

    10. Treating her as a possession rather than a person.

    IMO a woman who stays in a relationship with a guy showing a few — or all — of these warning signs is putting herself — and her children if she has any — at serious risk of physical harm. The sooner a woman ENDS a relationship with a man who shows clear warning signs of being an abuser, the better.

  23. Kaylean says:

    I am a survivor of domestic violence, and a mother of two children under 5. Unfortunately this last year has been a relatively bad one, and I have not been able to watch the Dr. Phil show. However, I am aware that he is making a difference and educating the public about domestic violence. And for that I am extremely grateful. It’s always nice to know that someone, anyone is standing in our corner. I think it’s very important that people understand what domestic violence is, and how to spot the red flags. It’s also important to educate people that aren’t in domestic violence situations, so that they understand that as victims, we are not “broken” people. In my case, I did what I had to to survive. I wasn’t beaten like many women are. Emotional abuse is much harder to see. But I still feared for my life, and for my kids. Sometimes staying was the only option I had. In the end (quite recently) the father of my two beautiful children burned down the house the kids and I lived in. And he’s not in jail. We are hiding now. And once we finally figure out how to rebuild, I can only hope that I can make some kind of an impact on someone else. And help to end the violence. I commend everyone else that is trying to do the same. Best regards.

  24. Lori Lynn says:

    I just have to share this story.
    As we all know, Domestic Violence is not a problem that is limited to the US. Third world countries lack the money and the knowledge to deal with the problem. (I commend the Dr. Phil show for helping to bring awareness of the problem.) Women in those countries often face a hopeless task. But one such woman is refusing to give up.
    Abir is a mother of six who is working very hard to escape her situation. She is a single mother in a country where women are not raised to live on their own. Though she was forced to quit school at 15 to get married, Abir has set up her own housecleaning/cooking/nanny service and is teaching herself English (her third language) in order to expand her businesss to more international clients. Though desperately poor, Abir and her two oldest sons have managed to keep the rest of the family clothed, fed and housed, even if she has to go without food herself. One of Abir’s international clients bought her a cell phone and my husband put our numbers on speed dial with orders to call him if her ex-husband showed up.
    Unfortunately, we have gotten that call too many times. And always with the same sad results. Except for last time.
    Receiving a desperate call for help from Abir, my husband grabbed her brother and raced to Abir’s home. But this time, it was not Abir who sat on the ground with blood gushing from her mouth and two broken teeth, but her ex-husband! Abir emerged from behind the locked door of her apartment, nursing a badly bruised fist. “I have had enough.” She pronounced in her carefully enunciated English. Obviously!
    Choking back laughter, my husband solicitiously asked her blubbering ex, who was still sitting on his butt where Abir had knocked him, if he would like a ride to the police station to file a report on his big bad wife.
    He declined. (Gee, I wonder why?)
    Though we are mindful that he will probably retaliate, right now we are celebrating another example of Abir’s courage. Abir still faces many challenges, (including keeping her 15 year old daughter from being married as soon as she turns sixteen) but I hope her courage can be an inspiration to others as she is to those of us close to her.

  25. Millie Contovasilis says:

    I know his subject is about domestic abuse. However, I have been trying to
    write to Dr. Phil and ask you how you can have a show on Felons after they come out of prison and try to find employment. I have a single 29 year old niece with 3 children that spent 18 months in prison and 1 year in a half way house. She was pregnant when she was arrested with her 3rd child. She gave birth at the half way house and was released with 3 years probation. It’s been 4 years since then and she has turned her life around. She has graduated from college with an AA and is continuing her college education. My sister, her mother, is 68 years old and has helped her with the children and has paid for the books she needs for college and many other needs to help her survive. That is causing my sister fianancial hardship. My niece, Nicole has been trying to find employment ever since she has been released but to this day she is denied because of her felony conviction. It breaks my heart every time she calls me hysterically crying when she is turned down for a job. She is very depressed and is thinking of quiting college. She sees no purpose in going to college if getting a job will be impossible. She needs to provide for her 3 children and wants to desperately
    find a job to relieve my sister from having to pay for her needs.
    Some time ago you did have a show on that subject and where a black gentleman was helping felons find work. However, that was just for people that
    lived in New York City. Nicole, my sister and myself all live in Apple Valley, California. I am 79 years old and living just on Social Security and can barely make my own expenses to live so I can’t help her. Nicole has tried to have her
    felony record expunged but they keep telling that it won’t happen until 2013.
    She can not afford to pay for an attorney that can help her get an expungment. With all your connections, perhaps you can find an attorney to help her pro-bono or find an orginazation that deals with such matters.
    I think that it would be a very interesting show that can help many EX prisioners
    find employments and stop them from continuing a life of crime.
    She has lived a clean and respectful life for 4 years. She is devoted to her children and want to provide a good and decent future for them. She has 3 boys
    ages, 12, 10 and 3 years old. So I beg you Dr. Phil, please help her.
    I pray that I hear from your staff by E-mail. MillieM123@aol.com
    I am also in facebook under my name, Mildred Contovasilis. There you will see
    a picture of Nicole with her Cap and Gown when she recived her AA.
    Thank you.

  26. Dara Carlin, M.A. says:

    I just got word that you’re actually going to air a show on “Parental Alienation” during Domestic Violence Awareness Month?! Are you kidding me??? If you truly believe that “domestic abuse is never ok” (your words) then why are you CONTRIBUTING to and perpetuating it? Haven’t you listened to ANYTHING the domestic violence experts have told you? “…there are ways to resolve conflict without resorting to physical violence” – is THAT what you’ve concluded that domestic abuse is all about?

    The violence and abuse don’t end just because you leave Dr. Phil; if you have children in-common with your abuser, the ignorant and arrogant think it’s in “the best interests of a child” to ensure your abuser has ongoing access to the children you escaped with to protect. And then you have the abuser hollering about HIS parental rights – what about the children’s birthright to SAFETY from harm?

    When domestic abuse survivors try to forewarn everyone about the danger they or their children remain in, they’re completely ignored like Katie Tagle or get accused of a discredited fallacy called “Parental Alienation” and their children are taken from them and THAT, Dr. Phil, is what you are supporting by giving any amount of air time to “Parental Alienation”. As a former therapist, you’re supposed to know better then to promote junk science and of all the ethics and morays you’ve betrayed in your pursuit of fame, crossing this very last one of “Do no harm” is the most egregious.

  27. cannot say says:

    I am in a 2nd marriage. I have a and older child and two younger children from this 2nd marriage. When I was 6 mos. pregnant, on superbowl sunday. It started. He was angry that I was tired and started to call me ******* bitch. We went for counseling on and off. Tried quite a few counselors because he did not like any of them. Things started to get much better and I decided to stay. Talking myself into reasons like maybe he was overwhelmed with a new baby, etc. I had our 2nd child and at 3 weeks old, he started calling me names, shoving me breaking things, throwing things at me. That child is FIVE now and his abuse has been at an all time high these past five years. HE told me if I leave then he will make sure I don’t have even enough money for a one bedroom apartment. He is an angel in public and needs lots of outside approval. In the car or in our house he is abusing me daily in front of my 3 kids. He calls me a Fat Ass and humiliates me whenever ANYBODY is around. I am his human punching bag. Our last counselor saw his rage at me every time we went. In fact the entire office building heard him screaming at me for 50 minutes every week. The therapist told me that I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and I thought she was wrong but now 3 years later, I AM. She said that he wanted to destroy me and he is. He destroyed me as a woman, then as a mother and now he is working on destroying me as a human being….it is working. I want to leave but I am scared to raise 3 kids alone. Being a single mother with one child was easy as pie compared to this. I am scared to fight this man. He manipulates, controls, and recently started to videotape me when I argue with the kids over homework or etc. My middle child is constantly saying “why are you screaming at mom? She didn’t DO ANYTHING to you!” This is hard to write b/c I know I need to leave but this past few years he is raging at the kids. He has always verbally abused me and my oldest child but now he is shoving and raging at my two youngest. I dont’ know how to get this on video without him knowing. If I could, I would fight for full custody but I have no witnesses. My mom thinks I should just stay so I can protect them and be under the same roof. I have nowhere to run to. My dad passed & my mom lives in and adult mobil home/broke. No brothers, no uncles, NOBODY to protect me. Right this very second, he just finished getting home from work and started calling me a fucking bitch and sticking his finger in my face spitting at me. ALL in front of my kids. He is RAGING at me every day. He just threatened me right now saying if I did not have sex with him, he would file for divorce and I will have to move out tonight. I cannot sleep at night. I insisted he sleep in another room for the past 5 years. I am having nightmares of him slamming chairs over my head. He calls my oldest a loser, moron, idiot EVERY single day as well as the horrendous names he calls me. I WANT OUT. Please help me. His abuse is DAILY.

  28. Susan says:

    I am really looking forward to seeing today’s program on the warning signs of domestic violence. It seems to me that teen girls are even more vulnerable to boyfriends who could be abusive, especially when they become pregnant.

    I was getting bad feelings about him even from the brief clips that advertised today’s program. Dr. Phil, I hope that you will be able to convince him that abusive behavior is NOT okay. But if he refuses to admit he has a problem (not all abusers will admit that they do), I hope this girl will seriously consider ending her relationship with him before something terrible happens, either to her or the baby.

  29. Kate says:

    Hi my name is Kate and I have been with a guy for 7 and a half months and he has yelled at me in my face twice and he has backhanded me in the stomach infront of his 2 cousins who are 6 and 8 it only happend the once. I am finding if a guy flirts with me or talks to me in a certain way and he finds out he tells me to stop talking with them. I need to know if I am in a abusive relationship?

  30. Paula knight says:

    Dr. Phil
    i am watching the t.v. show right now on teen Domestic Violence. MY son is in a relatcionship with a young Lady that does this to him. Its not Just boys doing this to girls. my son is phycial handy capped , he is satting at his house right now with a broken jaw, broken nose , two black eyes, an cuts all over him .i worry so much that he may not live to see another day.

  31. kailyn says:

    heyy my name ias kailyn stanley from tn im just wonderin why does guys do this to girls if they say they love the girls dont say u love them if your going to hurt them thats gots wrongg

  32. GLORIA....VA says:

    To all those women in an abusive relationship,,please get out…I am a 3 time survivor..my ex-husband were physically and emotionally abusive. I lost my childern because I was being abused and they saw it. 3 different men, 3 different ways, but all were abusive…I ended up in alot of debt and homeless, sleeping on friends sofas moving home to my parents. I did go back to each at least one or more times..It may not be easy but it can be done. you can get out. Please do it safely and use the tools available..I found my strength in a relationship with GOD. He loves you, and is there for you please call out to him..it is a process to getting you back but you can do…please know that I will keep you all in my prayers. Prayer does change things…Remember this hurting people hurt people and you can’t change them but they will change you….I’ve been away from the last abuser a little over 10 years now..I started a small home ministry in my home for women to give support..to give encouragement. I have also started my own catering business…we have so much to offer this world….please please don’t give up…those of us who have gotten out are truly BLESSED even if it may not feel like it because of the struggles…trouble does not last always it will get better. I am a empty nester now the last of my 3 childern is in her freshman year of college. there are some scares and even some memories for the me and the kids i wish i could erase them. but i use them to help me help someone else who is hurting.. please know and understand it is never wrong to love someone,,,but when it isn’t returned, there is a problem….LOVE DOES NOT HURT…..LOVE IS NOT HURTFUL….PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR EACH AND EVERY SITUATION. TRUST ME PRAYER DOES CHANGE THINGS..CALL ON GOD HE WILL ANSWER…..I LOVE YOU ALL..

  33. Amber says:

    I have to say I am happy Dr. Phil has taken this so seriously as a former victim of Domestic Violence. My ex whom I was in a relationship for 10 years and had two children with abused me from day one. I am very lucky to be alive to this day. The first time my kids father hit me and broke my nose I was 18 years old. I thought I was soo in love with him. I staid away from him for a little over a month after he broke my nose. Then he had his cousin talk me into letting him come to talk to me. I let him talk to me and he swore he would never do it again like all abusive men do, and me being young I took him back. It was a few years later after our first child that he hit me again. I called the police but of course I thought he would change so I never showed up to court. It was a few more years after that he hit me again but all the years in between he was verbally abusive. He took every dime I would bring home, he had me working in a strip club and if i refused to go he would lock me in a room til I would go. The last time he beat me he almost killed me. He broke my back, finger, six ribs, and ripped my nail off. After all that he threw me out side in the freezing cold naked. I had to crawl to my neighbors house to get help. All this in front of my children. He called me in the hospital asking me if i still loved him. I had to have plastic surgery on my finger to save my nail. I was so dumb founded that he would do all this to me and expect me to still say I loved him. I said love doest hurt so no. We went to court and he got 2 years in prison. I talked to him while he was locked up because we had two kids together and I thought prison would change him. So when he got out he came to my house and he hadn’t changed one bit. I called his parole officer and put him back in jail. This time I moved out of state with my kids. I realize now that I am in a new relationship what love really should feel like. Love doesnt hurt, nor make you feel less than a human. I am more happy now than ever before. So to those women in the same situation I used to be in, you can be happy and leave it takes enough strength to do it and if you can live in this kind of situation you are strong enough to leave. Alls it takes is that one time for him to kill you, and I am very lucky I am still here. God was looking out for me that night it happened to me. If I wouldnt have left I might not be here writing this to you all now. Please if your in an abusive relationship leave, I never listened to my family or friends but I wish I would have before I did finally wake up. Only you have to power to leave. Take care and god bless each of you I pray for every one of you in this type of situation.

  34. Barbara says:

    Thank you, Dr. Phil, for shining a spotlight on the scourge that is domestic violence. I, too, am a survivor, and would like to share some resources that others may find useful. These two books have been of great help to me in understanding what happened, how I became a victim, and finally, how I could heal from the ordeal and become a survivor. These resources are The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph. D., and The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I was determined that my future would be defined by me, and not by my abuser. These books have helped. Thank you, again, for your efforts.

  35. Lisa Moore says:

    When are we are going to acknowledge that MEN are also victims of Domestic Violence. I watched my brother suffer in shame for years as his wife verbally abused him. After 5years of marriage she shot him not once but twice in the head and then tried to cover it up. This was all done in front of my niece whom was 4 at the time. She saw mommy shoot daddy. She wants to know why mommy was mean to daddy and why they just didnt get a divorce? Randy was a good and loving man. He married late in life and waited 40 years to have his first child. Alison was the true love of his life and he only got 4 years with her. My brother Randall Ferguson was murdered on March 22nd 2006 in Puyallup, Washington. We have to stop looking at women only as the victims. Society only sees men as perpetrators and I have dedicated my life to bringing awareness to this. I facilitate a support group for men of Domestic Violence and manage a hotline for men of DV. I hope to one day have a home for men and their children that want to flee. I am a volunteer victim advocate at two non profits. I do alot of public speaking on the effects of DV especially on children. My husband and I have adopted my niece Alison whom is now 8. This a burden that she will carry all her life. We have to empower both men and women. We have to first acknowledge that men are victims. This a tragedy that will keep MEN in silence forever.

  36. Megan Anderson says:

    I don’t mean to discourage anyone from leaving an abusive relationship, but if you have children involved, be sure to get a very, very, good lawyer.
    I am currently in an abusive relationship. Mostly verbal and emotional abuse, although there has been some mild physical stuff in the past. The abuse started from the beginning, and I wish I had higher self-esteem to leave right away, or to never get involved. I ended up pregnant, and had a beautiful baby boy in May of 2009. The fighting got really bad during the winter, and the climax of his abuse happened in January. I ended up getting a protective order from him for 60 days. Within a week, I was getting calls and emails from his lawyer trying to get me to agree to 50/50 custody. My son was 8 months old at the time, and still nursing. I was on maternity leave, so money was tight, and I had to go to Legal Aid. Court happened in April, and in the matter of 10 minutes, I lost half custody of my nursing infant to an abusive asshole that had never even changed a dirty diaper, never gotten up in the middle of the night to tend to baby, ha, never even attempted to soothe or nurture the baby when he was crying. I have been told over and over again that a father has as much right to raise his children as a mother does, but the court forgot to pay attention to my sons rights; to be nurtured and loved; to be nursed; to reside with his primary caregiver, and a mother’s right to protect her child.
    So after court, I could not bear to be away from my son for three days and nights in a row, and I couldn’t allow my son to be mistreated. My ex wanted to get back together, so here I am. Trying to keep an unhealthy relationship non-violent. How do you choose between living with an abuser, or having your children live with abuser without you there to protect them? I would give my life for my little one, so it seems like taking some verbal and emotional abuse is a small sacrifice if it keeps him safe.
    I don’t want to discourage anyone from leaving an unhealthy relationship, but, please, don’t go with legal aid, borrow the money, do whatever you can, to get a really, really good lawyer.

  37. Racquel K. Casey says:

    I have been just floored by this show. On Tuesday, we had two incidents to happen where this is the subject. One where the ex-boyfriend intentionally hits the ex-girlfriend where she is ejected from her vehicle. Now her face is permanently disfigured. Another where a young man follows his baby’s mother to school and rapes her at the school during school hours. This is a epidemic that needs to stop. Please young ladies and young men if the situation does not feel right or you have suffered being hit or talked down to, get out. It is not worth it. You all deserve better.

  38. SL Fournier says:

    Dr. Phil,

    Thank you for this campaign and your show yesterday (10/21/10). One year ago today (10/22/10) my beautiful, smart, funny, loving cousin was killed by her husband in a domestic violence incident. He then turned his gun on himself, and left their son to grow up without his parents. Our family has struggled throughout this last year to make sense of this, and I am proud to say that we have gotten closer, more loving and more active. Earlier this summer a bill was signed into law here in NH and will go into effect in January, making non-lethal strangulation a felony, members of our family testified at a hearing for this bill, and worked with other organizations to make sure our government knew how important this was. And, last weekend on 10/16/10 friends, family, and strangers came together and held the first annual Missy’s Hope 5K Walk/Run to raise money for domestic violence prevention.

    Again, thank for finally giving this issue the national voice and attention it deserves.

  39. Susan says:

    I have to say I’ll never understand how two lovely teenage girls as Mallory and Kelsi could even consider staying in a relationship with boyfriends who clearly abuse them.

    My question to them would be, “is it SO important to have a boyfriend in your life that you will accept ANY abusive treatment he inflicts on you?” This seemed to be the mindset of both girls that I saw on yesterday’s show, that having a boyfriend was the ultimate “status symbol.” I can certainly understand why their mothers are really worried. If I were in their place, I’d feel the same.

    To the girls, I would say that I remember what being 18-19 was like. Maybe this may sound “odd,” but when I was that age, I was focused on finishing high school and going on to the next step, which for me was vocational school. That course took nine months, and I had NO boyfriend at that time. I didn’t miss having one either, as I was able to finish up my course easily, with no distractions from completing my goal. Shortly after finishing the vocational program, I accepted my first job offer at a major corporation in a big city.

    My point of this “walk down memory lane” is that it IS possible to do without a boyfriend for a while. I did so for about three more years, and I never felt like a “loser” for NOT having a man in my life either. Best of all, I knew I valued myself VERY highly, and would have dumped an abusive boyfriend in a New York second (a minute would have been too long). I hope both Mallory and Kelsi will realize that they deserve much BETTER in their partners, and not have to settle for any kind of abusive treatment.

  40. Score Board says:

    Colts lose injured TE Clark for season (AP)…

    I found your entry interesting to I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)

  41. millie says:

    things my parents never taught me. after 35 years of trying to be the ‘wife’ he wanted ME to be, it was not until i learned abuse is not only about being hit that i realized i was in an abusive marriage. its about control. its about the cycle. it goes round and round and doesn;t stop. and no matter what you do, your partner is never happy, its not good enough. finally, you realize it’s not what i do, it about which string he pulled to make me act the way he wanted. it’s so insidous, you can’t see it UNLESS you know what a healthy relationship is all about. it was a book, why does he do that by lundy bancroft that finally gave a name to the insanity of my life. i am 54, and i never knew. my mother never told me. to all those who question am i or am i not… know abuse is physical, emotional and verbal. it about control and power over YOU. you try so hard to be what your partner wants, but it is never enough. there’s always one more thing and the dance begins again. it is exhausting.

  42. Susan says:

    Something just occurred to me today, that there may be a very simple way to prevent a large number of future DV cases from ever happening that hasn’t been considered before. Or maybe it has been, just not to me, so I’ll mention it anyway. :)

    What if everyone of every age, of both genders, were to adopt a simple policy that says, “ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ABUSE OR ABUSERS?” Maybe it’s just me, but I think that would be a huge positive step in the goal of significantly preventing these horrific cases from happening to women AND to men.

    No matter what type of abuse it is, verbal, emotional, and especially physical, ANY person who feels they are being abused in ANY way says to herself/himself “I will NOT be abused” and end the relationship with the abuser immediately. That means NOT taking the person’s phone calls, emails, text messages, or anything else, and making a totally clean break from that person, permanently.

    I believe this kind of simple approach can work. It is certainly worth considering.

  43. Suzanne says:

    The very first time I was convinced to move out of my parents house by a boyfriend I was sucked into a violent hole when my boyfriend and I split up when it didn’t work out months later.
    I was basically left stranded in the middle of a neighborhood far away from where I was raised!
    I thought I could survive and had a job but it didn’t work out.
    Distressed and alone was like bleeding in the ocean with a shark close by.
    I quickly sunk into a quick sand of violence.
    That’s when the only other person I met was my abusers ex that lived close by and she was in the midst of getting a divorce from him and claimed to me he was a nice guy and never hit her.
    I was in the wrong place at the wrong time!
    I was forced into a pregnancy and marriage by paralyzing fear for me and baby’s life.
    I realized all to soon I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
    The ex-wife later admitted to me how he ONLY held her out of a two story window.
    This is part of MY story and before this happened to me I felt the exact same way in wondering why abused women didn’t just leave and how they could put up with such abuse.

    I won’t go on because it’s usually at this point that people prefer to look away and convince themselves that this really didn’t happen to me.

    Thank you for all who haven’t turned a blind eye and do support this cause.
    By taking action together we help women that are trapped in life threatening situations to act without fear also!

  44. Mikki says:

    When do you know it is abuse. I don’t want to be a person that over reacts just because my husband doesn’t agree with me or gets pissed off and throws something across the room. I think he is abusive sometimes but at the same time can’t we all be abusive? I should know what abuse is becuase I was removed from my mother and step father when I was a teenager and was physically abused in a previous relationship but when is it yelling, thrathening to kick you out and stuff is that an abusive marriage. How do you change things if it is abusive, is there something I can do to make it better? People say well you should leave but it isn’t that easy. I am just so confused about if it is truely abuse and what I can do to change it.

  45. linda green says:

    i feel so bad for these women who are in abusive relationships. my true thoughts on this are, if the police and legal system can not help you ,i would go to a shooting range and learn to defend my self with a gun. the next time the man shows up he would find himself a bloody pool on my doorstep. i know that is harsh,but they leave you no other choice. i would not tolerate anymore terror from the sick worped soul, if they even have a soul.

  46. Sallie says:

    I am a 63 year old Grandmother now, but when I was a child both of my parents were alcoholics. With alcoholics there is “usually/always?” domestic violence. When I was 5 or 6, I was sitting on the floor watching T.V. and my dad (after yelling at my mom in the other room) came in and kicked me. When my brother spilled the asperin he was bringing to my mom, dad picked him up by his feet. When I was 10 or 11 my dad got angry at me and started to drag me over to the window. I knew he was going to throw me out of it, so I let mylself go limp so that he couldn’t lift me. We lived on the 5th floor. I’m not angry with my parents anymore (they are both deceased) but it does explain a lot of the decisions I’ve made in my life.

    I do however, strongly believe in putting an end to domestic violence. The vast majority of cases have the woman as the victim. It is time that women were not held responsible for men’s behaviour. Each of us is responsible for our own behaviour.

    As my mother used to say “EVERY TUB HAS TO SIT ON IT’S OWN BOTTOM”!

  47. Jeannette Ruddell says:

    My daughter and I have both been in domestic violence situations. Mine was my kids dad and when he got done beating me in Dec of 1980 I got up and got my kids out of bed and started out the front door, he stood there with a shotgun. I told him to shoot me that would be the only way he would keep me, he tilted the gun toward my daughter and told me “I won’t shoot you” so I stayed while I got things in a way where we could leave safely.
    In ‘08 my daughter’s now ex boyfriend beat her up and she did everything she was supposed to do, pressed charges, the sheriff’s deputy took pictures. They kept him in jail not quite 72 hrs. When he got out he went back to Maine where he’s from. She has a separated shoulder, torn tendons and calcifications and she needs surgery. Texas is not a good state to get justice for an abused woman. One investigator told her “well he went to jail” so here in Texas the “good old boys” crap is still going on! I had warned him if he ever hit her I would kill him but he did it when I wasn’t home. He has two open warrants in Texas but they won’t go get him because “the bond is to small!”. I would appreciate anything anyone can say to tell me how to get justice for her. She is a hairdresser by profession but she can’t do that job because of her shoulder. Texas needs the laws changed desparately but no such luck. If you have any kind of information that might help please let me know.

  48. Mehri says:

    Thank you Dr. Phil for supporting Grass Valley. I am preparing to go to trial against my abuser who is also a lawyer. He is smooth. Convincing and practiced. Abusers aren’t always raging alcoholics. Sometimes they are masters at manipulation and trickery. It is very frightening because people only want to see the bruises. He knew better than to leave marks. So much of what goes on is psychological. Thank you so much for talking about it. It gives me hope. MH

  49. Renee says:

    I am married to one of the most emotioal mentally abusive husbands I have ever heard women talk of. This one is as mean as one that was on Dateline one night and then his wife was accused of killing him and is serving time. She had even been set up by the person who killed the husband. My remark is though that I watched a judge let 5 men go in court yesterday, one of them were mine. Even though we had subpeonaed a phone bill from his cell phone carrier which showed his calls even after he had been releasedfrom jail on the violation. He even said on the stand that one one ever had his phone and was saying one minute he had not called and another minute that he had called he was released from the violation. He even said he had called to let me know he was coming home but if there is a 50B on you why would you call to say you would be home? He leaves me messages to enjoy my freedom because he is going to pay me back for putting him in jail and tells my older kids to spend as much time with me as they can because my day is coming! Walking out of the courtroom he told our daughter to tell me to get use to a deputy walking beside me because there would be one walking beside me for a long time soon. For 3 years he has been saying things to others including his family and freinds to find justification for his affair he has been having if it came out and some know. I have been told he would kill me if I told his mother and threatened to have me put away because I am not mentally capable of raising my 16 year old much less be around anyone else. So many issues with him to type out. His family of course thinks he is a saint! he has planned things for years and has been trying to get me out of the picture since 07. Serving him with his separtion papers he had been voicing he wanted crossed the line with him. When I took out the 50B on him he really got mad. I had been going to Enpowerment classes to prove to myself I did not need to take this anymore. He had even lied about his age for 25 years before I found out the truth about that. When I started finding out about things he did not like that either. We don’t have a prayer in this county. A woman walked out of the court room yesterday and told the judge he had just signed her death warrant. What are we suppose to do? I did a walk for Domestic Violence this a.m. and only 25 showed up because they were afraid apparently!

  50. Michelle says:

    I am just getting out of an abusive marriage and my ex took the car I drove and he bought me for my birthday (was in his name only) and left me stranded with no way of getting anywhere. Where do victims go for help/funds to be able to get another car so I can go to work, the door and now a therapist?

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