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November 1st, 2010 by Dr. Phil

Our Ninth Season: Ending the Silence

silence1Here we are, ready to begin our ninth season, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you this could very well be the most exciting, inspirational, and absolutely most important season we’ve ever undertaken. Seriously, if you were in our offices right now, you would feel the surge of enthusiasm up and down the hallways as we get ready for what’s to come. We are launching two new groundbreaking series that I know you are going to find riveting. And, you’ll get your first look at them this coming week on our debut shows.

First, I want to talk about what you’re going to see on Monday’s show. We’re beginning a powerful and very dramatic season-long campaign against domestic violence. Every 15 seconds, a woman is abused in this country. At some point, one out of four women will fall victim to domestic violence. Those are shameful statistics, and little about the situation seems to be improving. Today, domestic violence remains one of the most under-reported phenomena in American society.

Well, that’s about to change. When we launched the Dr. Phil show, I told you that I wanted to deal with the silent epidemics in America, and I want to go after this particular epidemic in a very big way. In our series, which we are calling “End the Silence on Domestic Violence,” we will introduce you to women who tragically have spent years silently enduring this abuse. You’ll meet other women — mothers, sisters and daughters — who will talk about how they didn’t really understand what danger they were in until it was too late. And, we’ll also introduce you to women who have learned, in a very painful way, that deep, searing abuse isn’t always physical.

For the rest of the year, we’re placing this issue squarely in the center of our daily platform. We’re going to show women of all ages what to look for in an abusive situation, and we’re going to give them the tools to get out safely. We’re going to be working with schools to create curriculums so that young men in America know, without a shadow of a doubt, that domestic abuse is never OK — and that there are ways to resolve conflict without resorting to physical violence. And, we’re organizing a task force with U.S. Congresspersons and with state legislators: men and women who can create legislation that will empower women to stand up for themselves or give them alternatives to living in an abusive situation.

On top of that, we’re creating a special place on DrPhil.com where you can go for updates and information, and where you can sign up to join this campaign. I’m calling those of you who join us the Silence Breakers. There will be times that you will get an e-mail from me where I say, “Silence Breakers, it is time to make some noise.” It may be because a piece of legislation is coming up, or it may be because something is happening in the court system which calls for your response. That’s why I want you watching Monday, so that you will be with us at the very beginning, to help break the silence.

Sign the pledge to end domestic violence.

Print and sign this letter drafted by Congresswoman Gwen Moore and send to your Representative in support of the reauthorization of the Family Violence and Protection Services Act (FVPSA), which keeps domestic shelters open and provides advocacy, counseling and legal services for families in need.

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389 Responses to “Our Ninth Season: Ending the Silence”

  1. Tiffani Chretien says:

    I was in a abusive realationship and I got out of it after they took my son beacuse they believed everything him and his mother say! Now i try to help people get out of relationships like that and i try to help open there eyes to the abuse so that they dont lose like i did and dont have to hav the fear of turning your back and him being there I hope that people Get out of realationships that hurt them or there kids.

  2. Jemma says:

    hi my name is jemma and i live in australia and i just saw the ep on end the silencs on domestic violance and i saw a website can i ask if i could have that again

  3. Nancy Gerding says:

    I am a mother of four kids, three bits and one daughter. You stated today you were wanting to give warning signs of teen abuse for Mothers of daughters. Personally I feel abuse knows no gender. My sons have experienced far doe teen abuse from girls than vis versa. Please defend these young men that are trying to stand against sexual temptation, manipulation and mental abuse.

  4. Cheryl McDonald says:

    After watching yesterday’s episode about Domestic Violence, I have to commend 17 yr old Samantha! Its refreshing to listen to a 17 yr old who has her head on straight! Most girls her age are in complete denial & make excuses for the abuser. She is a bright & beautiful young woman with a promising future. God Bless her!!!!

  5. Brandie says:

    I just watched the episode about teen domestic violence. I am older now (30) and have been in two abusive relationships. I see that there is a pattern because I am a very passive and easy-going person and I attract these types of men. Dr. Phil, can you put a program together in this series to give passive women like myself resources and tools to become more assertive?

    I know how to spot abusive men, and I know how to get away from them safely. I just have a hard time being assertive in the beginning stages of the relationship. I find myself trying to make these men happy compromising my values in the process in order to keep them around. I know I need counseling for this and am currently seeking professional help.

  6. Nancy says:

    I want to join the campaign to END the SILENCE on DOMESTIC VIOLENCE along with Dr. Phil. I want to speak up and give a voice to others who cannot speak up for themselves. Silence is a huge reason the cycle of domestic violence continues. There is so much shame that surrounds it happening to you. I’ve been recovering for a very long time, most of my life. And, it is very discouraging when others have the attitude that because it happened 10, 20, 30 years ago, you should just ‘get over it’, as if the passage of time is the only thing that needs to happen for you to heal. Not so. It takes work and courage to clean out the festering wound, speaking up and out, sharing your story, informing others about the facts of violence and the fall out. The consequences reverberate throughout the pond of life. And it is hard to stop the effects of it. I would know. I’ve tried. It takes education, teaching the facts of what violence is and what it is not. You must be direct, and often state the obvious because what is obvious to some is not obvious to others. Some people don’t know that what they experienced was violence or abuse because of the lack of dialogue and education. It scares people. It’s sad to think, but our society is not very well informed, even with all of the technological advancements. If you grow up in a violent home, that’s all you know. That’s your frame of reference. You have nothing else to go by until you are made aware and given new information to learn a new and better way. My plea is for America to wake up. For teens to think better of themselves. For parents to pay attention to what Dr. Phil is saying, because it is truth that will help us stem the tide of abuse that happens across the country, and knows no racial, cultural, or economic boundaries. Remaining silent led me to suicide. Obviously, I made the choice to live, but I’ve been there on the brink of death, more than once. My clarion call would be that victims of abuse should never be left alone to feel that they are alone in the world, and have no worth, or anyone to talk to. I am here to hear your story. I vow to be a Silence Breaker. I would like to begin a blog that facilitates an enlightening and empowering dialogue for victims to share their stories. It would be my hope that we could generate a dialogue to create understanding and clarity. Stop being afraid to talk about it. I am not suggesting that we hang all the dirty laundry out with all of the gory details, though there is a place for that in a more private setting with a therapist. I would hope that we could stop categorizing each other, and become less afraid of what we don’t know. For those of us that have not experienced abuse, I would say, ‘Be grateful it has not been your lot in life, but don’t judge those of us whose lot in life it has been.’ I would want for us to stand together in solidarity as one group. I thank you, Dr. Phil, for starting this campaign, and I join you in putting an end to the SILENCE that allows the VIOLENCE to continue.

  7. Patsy says:

    I think this is such an important campaign. I have been in an abusive relationship before, in my early teen years. My life was not my own and I remember all the pain and anguish. Physical and verbal abusive can really do damage to a young girl. Unfortunately there are limited resources available to educate young men and women. Not to mention an environment in which you are comfortable to speak about these issues or ask questions. Its a “dirty little secret” you don’t want people to know. You are ashamed and feel you have to hide it to protect your abuser. I am so happy to hear that you are giving your voice to help. I encourage, and will continue to encourage people to take the pledge and become a “silence breaker”! Locally I hear of so many cases of domestic violence, and want to make a difference in my community. Thank you for all you do.

  8. Mariah Sanders says:

    I honestly believe that we need to be talking about the females that are violent just as much as we talk about abusive men. I got in an abusive relationship when i was 14 and lasted until i was 16 he was mentally and physically abusive towards me. but shortly after i got out of the abusive relationship i meant my current boyfriend that i have now been with for 1 year and a little more but its not the healthiest relationship now I’m the abusive one and it hurts me to know that in just like the guy the abused me. i just think that we need to talk about abusive females just as much. :)

  9. Dyana Easter says:

    I was abused at age 15 until 21 not only did my ex do this to me his family was after me because I left him. He beat me so bad once he came to the store I was working at and we had bottle stacked up he threw them on top of me and smash them in to my face so no one would ever want me again. I have so many scars from that. He also broke bones in my face, he beat up any guy that would talk to me and if they looked at me; then it would be me who got beat. He was so jealous and told me no one would ever love me like he did and at that time I believed him, so I thought if I married him he would not have to be jealous any more and the hitting would stop it only got worst. It was sexual, mental and physical abuse. I thought so many times I would die. It would take me forever to write all the bad things he did to me. Please tell her to run! it will all ways be in your head and to this day my husband sometimes has to pay for it. Things never get better. Even after 25 years he will tell me we will die together. Thanks Dyana

  10. Cheyenne Wilson says:

    I have been with my b/f since I was 12 I am now 20 y/o. He has been abusive nearly the whole Time he has a problem with ever saying sorry for anything he does, I dnt know why I stay I do have a son with him who is now three an picking up alot I wish he wouldn’t see some of the things that go on. I feel like a bad mother letting him be around this lifestyle but there is something wrong with me I just dnt go, I need to get my priorities straight but after so long I feel like I’m drowning in this lifestyle.. I dnt know wat my point is but i know heaps of girls in my situation ( been with a womaba***er) for years and for some reason still stay ?Is it because we were so young it’s all we know now or will God eventually give us the strength and the courage to leave ? Or will we be in this downward spiral forever??????? C Wilson Australia……

  11. Tammie Kavan says:

    Late one summer evening in 2008, while doing some work on my laptop, I discovered that my husband of twenty years was planning a trip to Asia to rendezvous with a woman he met on an international Asian dating website. My true story is one of dark secrets, continual chaos and emerging hope. I would like to partner with Dr. Phil in End the Silence on Domestic Violence.

    Masquerading as the perfect family in a rural, Midwestern community we appeared to be living a charmed life; raising four children, working the family farm, and even being featured on a national morning television show, viewed by 12 million viewers, for my volunteer work. However, lurking behind the façade was a dark truth. Vowing to stay in an abusive marriage was the one decision that set the course of my life forever.

    On Valentine’s Day of this year, I had to return to court to face my abusive ex-husband. I was victorious.

    I am ready to share my story in hopes that it will help end the silence on domestic violence. I have all the necessary documentation to substantiate my story.

    With Warmest Regards,

    Tammie Kavan

  12. Sandi says:

    The domestic violence problem is finally receiving some attention in the national spotlight, thanks in part to Dr. Phil and others. Unfortunately though, it’s not been nearly enough to get it under control. It still is running very rampant especially with the economy in dire straits and unemployment at all-time highs, there are few signs that things are improving for all of us. Reduced funding to essential programs is being felt in every town in every state. As there are even problems in the minds of people totally untouched and ignorant of the problem, it seems to be increasingly mounting and untamable. Time and time again, the court system, including DA’s, lawyers and judges have exhibited nearly collusion with the perpetrators by their real lack of holding the perpetrators fully responsible for their actions and choices by issuing only what amounts to a slap on the wrist and very little real accountability of the perpetrators of the crimes. Even if they are found guilty, few are ever held fully accountable for their violent atrocities against their spouses and by the children exposed to their example, by them being able to negotiate plea deals and receiving a drastically reduced sentences or early outs. The victims are left confused, trampled and mostly devastated by what happens. They are essentially re-victimized by the system a second time. It sends out the very worst and absolutely the wrong message to those who do these acts, to their significant others, to the children who also see this and to all others.
    Additionally, the very real lack of providing the necessary critical funding and programs to help the victims regain their footing after such life-altering events by our government agencies, at the local, state or federal level is a major setback for everyone. This is becoming a national epidemic and it will eventually affect every single one of us, not only those that are directly involved.

    Let’s examine some facts reported. According to the American Medical Association (AMA), one out of every three or four women is affected by abuse and unfortunately, those statistics are growing yearly. Amazingly, just a handful of years ago it was one of every six or seven women would experience at some point in their life. Ten years ago it was reported that there were two to four million physical assaults on women by their partners per year. That is not even taking into account purely verbal or mental abuse cases, only physical assaults. And those of us who work in this field know that verbal and/or mental abuse is as detrimental to persons as physical abuse. The shocking statistics are that nearly six women are killed every day by partners somewhere in the continental US; you may not hear about it, but it happens every single day and 1500-2000 women per year are killed each year by their intimate partner. That leaves all children of these women vulnerable; either to be with the lone remaining parent or else forced into the foster care system and/or on the Medicaid or Medicare roles. Costs yearly exceed 6 billion dollars each year of which 4.1 billion dollars are spent on direct medical and mental health services. Make no mistake about this phenomenon; it does and will affect every single one of us in one way or another; either by the emotional effects this has on women and children via increased suicide attempts, mental illness, substance abuse, loss of individual productivity, increased Medicare/Medicaid recipients and a whole host of other problems.

    The system is broken. I am just shocked and amazed at some of the stories I’ve read on the websites of Dr. Phil and of the many recounts of actual incidents of abuse to victims that I have encountered as a Domestic Abuse Advocate. I am just totally shocked at how a civilization can continue to allow these things to continue to happen, especially when they are brought to light by many women and children? There seems to be no real, long-term lasting help to stop the eventual downward spiral that for many of these women and children will have to face and will undoubtedly will eventually succumb to as there are just too many cracks for them fall through. The fact is, our society will eventually have to pick up the bill for these injustices done sooner or later by the abuser that they have experienced; especially if the abusers are not held totally accountable for their actions. The slashing of budgets and elimination of social workers positions all across the country cannot handle the extreme caseloads that are presented to them. The fact is that children are not being protected. During the course of my employment, it was stated to me that a child over the age of five is no longer a concern within the social service system; they just don’t have the resources to investigate any charges of abuse of five-year-old and older children. Think of that. They are, in essence, on their own. They will have to figure this out on their own. That is so tragic and as a civilization, an absolute atrocity to the children. They are our future. All of us should be so ashamed of ourselves due to what we have allowed to happen to our children.

    The fact is that the abusers do not have anger management issues unless they treat everyone in their life with rage and anger and not just their spouse or family members; they are making the deliberate choice to abuse their partners. Simply put, they are angry and very controlling. And they can change those choices if they are held accountable and choose to change or pay the steep consequences. The bottom line is that the courts have to have laws in place and then to uphold them, to compel them to make that choice and further, that they have to be truly held accountable if they choose not to. This is not just my opinion; this belief is held by many, many doctors, scholars and therapists.

    I do know firsthand of what I speak here. I, too, am a survivor of domestic violence, married for 15 long years to an abusive man. I knew I wasn’t happy, truly loved or safe the first time he pushed me down stairs while carrying my infant son within the first year of marriage but I mistakenly stayed for the children’s sake; unfortunately, that was the same example that was set for me. I, in essence, was a martyr, trying to do what I thought was the right thing, sacrificing the safety of myself and eventually of my children. There were no laws, safe houses or counselors available to help in the 1970’s with issues such as this. I was 16 when I married and I honestly tried to get pregnant in order to get me out of that house. I was successful in getting pregnant but I made the wrong choices back then. In actuality, that thinking was wrong of me and thinking of no one else but me. I wasn’t able to think through the consequences of my decisions back then. And yes, there were signs of my spouse’s abusive signs and tendencies early on when we were dating, but I was a rebellious and ignorant teenager and could only see my wanted goal. The most important thing to me was to get out of my home environment, no matter what I had to do. I can honestly look back now and realize that I so wanted out of my parent’s home that I was willing to get pregnant to do it. As it usually does, hindsight reveals that it was a very dysfunctional family but possibly one very normal for the times. Getting pregnant and married was a very bad decision and choice for me. If one will remember way back then, it seemed to be very acceptable practice for the man to be the head of household and if he mistreated his wife in private, well, no one knew of it and life went on. No one talked about it and it was absolutely never mentioned to outsiders or even to extended family members. Things were very different back then than they are today. Women were definitely not treated as equals back in the 70’s and prior. One just has to think about family dynamics back then to realize where this has all evolved. Why is it being maintained and continued is the question for us in the 21st century? Fear was instilled into women to obey and I remember as a child being told time and time again that “children are to be seen and not heard”. And what I came to realize later in life is that respect apparently was not to be earned; it was demanded and expected from the man of the house to be extended to the man of the house. I also don’t remember our entire family being a particularly religious family either. Maybe if my father and mother had attended church regularly together and learned as a couple together what God expected of each of them, what responsibilities each of them toward each other and to God, maybe things would have been different and better for all of us as a whole family and individually. But that was not to be.

    My abusive partner did not treat anyone else like he treated me, as his wife, and then how he eventually his children. I never imagined that he would turn on his children like he did. But this proves that he did not have anger management issues. He made choices to mistreat me and his children, by disrespecting, controlling, insulting or devaluing us as members of his family. He was always able to put on a good face when he had disagreements with anyone else. Not so with us. We were not extended the same respect as his other colleagues were.
    We all need to continue to work diligently to eliminate the chronic mistreatment of the women and children involved in relationships that plague our society such as these within the system and out. We need to hear the voices of the victims. And we need to hear the voices of the abusers and their allies much less. We need to get right with God again in our lives.

    Let all of us stand up and demand that abusers are held accountable for their actions. We need for men to stand up and speak out against bullying and abuse of other men. We need to stop the cycle and teach all of our children how to disagree with people in our lives without using abusive tactics. As bullying is an offshoot of the abusive trait found in so many homes in today’s society, let us make the abusers and bullies responsible for the choices that they make in regard to how they treat their family members and others. Battering is always an intentional behavior.

  13. nani sadie says:

    during this discussion about domestic violence i had concerns…all my life i feel as if i have been bullied by my mother..i am currently in therapy .however..there has been a recent issue in which,i will have to try to sever the relationship between my mother and i and i will be losing alot of my family…any words of wisdom ?? this seriously hurts me…

  14. tAMMIE says:

    please domestic violence has to start including the words
    mental abuse = domestic violence

    it is still not acknowledged in this day and age,,,I guarantee it

  15. tammykeller says:

    emmotional abuse is considered by some therapists if you cry you feel sorry for yourself and in self pity. most people consider emmotions as weakness : except me for me theres is no label for tears i hope somehow people will some day understand the full meaning of tears. nor wrong nor right, pain released, thank you….

  16. Fatoua says:

    I’ve been married for 17 years; 17 years of abuse, pain, fear, terror. Today i’m ready to stand up tall and walk away. Well let say I’m trying. I am petrified, scared, ashamed, angry. I dedicated 17 years of my life trying to make it work. Hoping and praying that it will get better, that he might change. It all started 3 days after the wedding when he slapped me after I confronted him with a girl phone number. It was the beginning of years of beating, humiliation, disrespect, belittleling and control. He went so far as to physically assault my little sister. He got into a fight with another of my sister and my little brother. He also had verbally assaulted my mother one day while i was at work and she was home alone with him. She told me that he had his fist in her face. I can’t believe that I’ve allowed all that to happen. I always wanted to have a family of my own. I’ve always worked so hard, took care of him and our two children, kept a good home. I’ve tried to be the good wife,the perfect wife. I’ve given everything I had. I feel so empty, I have nothing left. I am scared, so scared of what’s next for me and the boys. I try to be strong, to not show my sadness,my despair to the boys but it is so so hard especially when there’s no support system around. Fatoua (Canada)

  17. Sandy Spencer says:

    I have only been gone from hell for seven days. I am feeling angry with myslf or still thinking about him. i am aware that this whole time i stayed with him i have been in fact punishing myself. all this time i turned my anger inward and it turned into fear and depression so much so that i keep going back and staying.
    it used to be just the verbal and emotional abuse which i had encountered befor, the last few times he caught me by surprise(cause ive been staying prepaired to fight most of the time.)Its like he can smell when my guard is down. he actually grabbed my by the throat and said he could snap my neck like a twig! I guess at that time it sounded like a good idea so i dared him to.
    I have left many times, our friend and people around us all know about it we wer playing cards with two other couples ang they were “teasing” us about it. the neighbors have broken up our fights. I hav been fighting with him, now i am getting better at it. at first i took t upon myself to teach him not to pick on girls i even told him when im done with him he wont be interested in beating women anymore. i guess i was so sick and tired of always feeling like some kind of victem, weak, defenceless,powerless at one point i believed him when he said i wasnt even a real woman. people think i go back to my very abusive boy friend because i am insecure and i do have low self esteem but sometimes i go back cause i know he’ll try again and then i can kick the crap outta him cause even if i dont succeed at least i get a few good licks in,and when im really lucky im wearing my steel toe boots!I never pick the fight and i was proud of myself for standing up to him but when he does get me by the throat now it hurts and i was finally afraid wheras before i was just mad!
    My fear now is that in trying to find myself i wont like the person that i find. Have i allowed myself to bcome toxic too? ive never hit another person in my life! Ive never been verbally abusive to anyone, heck i never even used to gossip or say anything bad about anybody, its those values people always said they loved about me. now i just feel consumed by this black hole and angry and afraid cause it feels like im the one who looses, how come i have to leave my home my belongings, i guess thats stupid compaire with having my neck snapped, thats why im angry with myself most of all, and i let him get away with it for this long.
    the other half of this jeckle and hyde is the person i fell in love with is very sweet, and i believe he needs help he has expressed feelings of depression and suicide. thers help for me but what about him and heaven forbid he should meet som on else!! I guess my heart needs to know,now that im gone the violence ends here.

  18. Dr. Phil & Robin, Thank-you so much for doing your insite on this matter. I lived it also, for 23yrs. Out of it for 14yrs. Never want to be in anything like that ever again. I am now 55, was 18, when married. My one oldest daughter is married & while I was there on a visit, seen her husband try to choke her in front of me & their two boys. At least now I know to dial 911, but of course he is so charming never did get arrested. But I did however call her father & had him talk to him. It’s really is sad how when you allow this in your life, your children will live what they learn. That’s why I am always so happy to see your show, how wonderful you both treat each other. Maybe because of your example girl’s will learn to look for something more like that. I was so glad when I first heard on the Opran show that you were coming to Ca. We so need a voice of reason over here. Now, that I am a Grandma of 4 boy’s so happy when you became Grandparents, so that you could see the different take we have when we become one! Have you watched what Bill Crosby, says about it, on his DVD, Bill Crosby ” Himself” so true. Well, enjoy your show. Thanks for all the good work you are doing. May God continue to bless you, & your family, & keep them in his loving care. A blessed viewer, Patricia Acosta

  19. Mary Ellen says:

    If I had to do it over again…you know, the would’a, should’a could’a. Venus Rose Stewart gave her life to protect her children. Her estranged husband is to be sentenced on April 18,2010. The jury found him guilty of premeditated murder 1 and we will never rest, we have still not found her body. If you are in a relationship that is abusive GET OUT! Never let him hurt you or your children again! That’s easier said than done. We need a new law that protects the victims, a GPS device on the offender! I propose we get a law passed to put the GPS device on the offender, make them pay for it, and call it “The Venus Cuff”, in loving memory of Venus.

  20. Faye Nichols says:

    Dr. Phil,

    I was involved in a nine year relationship that eventually became violent. I was in my thirties and ignored the “red flags”. Once the relationship became violent, (I knew eventually he would kill me) I got out of there and never looked back. Thankfully we did not have children together. Now my daughter is also in an abusive relationship and has a child with her abuser. I have “rescued” her several times, but she always allows him back into her life. I live far away and have explained to her that it would be difficult for me to help her if another violent episode happens. He has been ordered to have anger managment, but has not completed a program. He says he has to pay for the program and can’t afford it. I question whether or not this man can be helped, but it would be wonderful to see him have the opportunity. Why is it that a man can be court ordered to get this sort of counseling and is not forced to follow through? I applaud your efforts to educate our youth and hopefully begin to cure this horrible epedimic in our country and world. It is awful for everyone involved, including the abuser.

  21. seeya says:

    Dr. Phil,
    Thank you for creating this campaign. I want to help on a local level. After begging my husband for 2 years to get help I finally decided to file a restraining order to stand up for myself and children. the result was complacency and indifference in the court system, loss of protective order “because i didn’t have enough evidence”,(it didn’t matter if i believed i needed it) loss of my children for 6 months out of the year. I was abused all over again by the very courts designed to protect me and my children. My children now believe i deserved to be abused! How sick is that?! i’m still fighting and loosing strength as time goes on. Sometimes i think staying would have been a lot less painful for all. This is why some stay. We loose our children in the process of trying to protect them. No shit life isn’t fair however the courts really don’t care~!
    Also, I discovered a possible physical cause to my husbands behavior from a doctor of neurophysiology. Does anyone involved in our case want to explore that avenue?
    Hell no. The psychiatric community has a strong hold on behavioral problems. It should be obvious by now counseling isn’t always the answer!
    If i could i would have an army of lawyers going after the courts for not enforcing the laws already on the books and not protecting those who ask for protection, an army of lawyers to standardize immediate protective action, placement of children for stability, and financial issues. The amount of time and effort it takes to navigate the court system is absurd and destructive.

  22. Cyndie C says:

    I pray that this project will be successful in educating and encouraging people to have healthier relationships. My daughter has been in an abusive relationship for seven years now. She has been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by the father of her two young children. She refuses to get counseling and is locked in denial about the abuse. God bless you Dr. Phil!

  23. Hanne Lisa says:

    i try to help people get out of relationships like that and i try to help open there eyes to the abuse so that they dont lose like i did and dont have to hav the fear of turning your back and him being there I hope that people Get out of realationships that hurt them or there kids.

  24. Nancy says:

    I was married to an abuser for 27 years – stayed for the kids, which I would never recommend to anyone. I am now divorced (it’s been a year) and happier than ever. I feel like I am finally the person I was meant to be and want to help others. I had a bad experience with the legal system also and actually ended up being arrested for assult after “I CALLED 911!” (My ex-husband was suffocating me and I fought back). The 4 police officers that came to our home never got my side of the story (I had locked myself in my car after the incident because I was terrifed). The police need to be educated and assess situations as well as check on previous reports of domestic violence before determining who may have been at fault in a situation. My life has been in danger countless times and I want to make a difference and help women stand up to their abusers. The issue of educating the police, attorneys and the court system is key in controlling and eliminating domestic violence in our society.

  25. Kim says:

    I watched your show with the young lady I think her name was Samantha she had an obessed boyfriend. I thought through out the show how brave she was for her young age. I had the same problem when I was 14 yrs old but I had no one to help me back then. My big day was February 1982 when the boy beat me so bad that I was put in hospital and had surgery. I had many beatings from him that I hid from everyone so no one would know. Back then there were no laws to help me and I also was so ashamed that this happened to me. He followed me for 4 years. I am now 43 years old and have to deal with the with medical problems stemming back to my injuries that he gave me all those years ago. A forever reminder of him. I for years thought it was my fault. But it is not. To this day I FEAR that he will knock on my door and kill me. Because of him I live with caution. Everytime he beat me I wasnt his girlfriend but he did not want me with anyone. He would hide behind buildings just to catch me and chase me down until he got me. He beat me while I was in high school and back then they did nothing to him but made me leave the school so I would not make him more upset. Just him seeing me made him upset and attack me. It is such a shame that this happened but my lesson learned is that if a man hits you once he will hit you again. I still live with that fear that will never go away. He left a reminder on my face that I see in the mirror for the rest of my life.
    I cried the entire show because she was brave and strong. I hope that she helped young girls and women realize you can get out and away from your abuser.
    Thank you Dr Phil and Samantha

  26. Shirley says:

    I am been bully daily at my place of employment and many know of it; which include elective official. This must be a norm dehumanize the little people, while the administrative staff act like a rose garden and everyone smell the fouled odor; yet, do nothing and have close eyes with head in the sand, while I end-up in a mental hospital or worst.

  27. Shirley says:

    It is ironic that when I make a report of wrong during that no action is ever taking; whereas, when someone make accusations against me; they expedite negative actions against me. There are unresolved issues and concerns; Due Process of the Law, Human Rights, Civil Rights, Constitutional Rights, and Civil Liberty haven’t been acknowledged or fulfilled. In my opponent those is needs to be fulfill before a decision can be made.

  28. Y.Mus says:

    My lifelong goal is to prevent victims and offenders of child abuse or stop them. One of my goals is to change a very important part in the rights of childrens act of the United Nations. I miss the protection of children in the Justice system in article 19 and 34 and these articles are in this moment an advice not a rule. Only in article 40 is a mention of protection of children in the justice system but only if they committed a crime.The protection of children is about the following: children who are a victim and/or a witness of a crime. Is the police investigating the crime? Is the child protected by law and by the justice system? Is the child getting psychological support? Is the child shield of from the offender of crime? Is the child protected as well/good or even better as in the case of an adult who is a victim and/or a witness of a crime? Etc. etc. etc.The suffering of children by crime must end. Children need all the protection and have a right of growing up healthy and happy and safely.
    greetings Ymus

  29. Ellen says:

    Dr. Phil,

    I was married to a psychopath for 15 years. He has been successful in the local court system to gain custody of my 17 year old daughter and keep me in financial suppression. I can’t even afford my own apartment to try to get my daughter back. The latest circuit court action reduced my spousal support enough so I would qualify for medicaid to maintain health insurance since I have MS. I know my ex is a sicko, but I am afraid for my daughter of 17. I will be completing my LPC this summer and have attempted applying for 65 jobs locally to be here for my daughter since 2005. As you know psychopaths are very good at manipulation. I am concerned about my daughter’s well-being as she is trying to move from high school to college next year under her father’s manipulation strategies to keep her local at Virginia Tech. I live in Blacksburg, VA and its a very encapsulating environment which well suits a psychopaths personality. Any help/advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

    Still stuck for now,

  30. Sally Przybil says:

    Dr. Phil,
    The very saddest thing about domestic violence is the littlest, often most overlooked victims. The children. Domestic violence, be it physical abuse or verbal abuse, is not just a spousal problem. It is not just a ‘marriage problem’ it is a FAMILY problem. Children not only see the problem going on in the family. They learn the behaviors, either as an abuser or an abused. By virtue of living in the same household with abusers they get sucked into the problem too. Many of the children living in abusive households feelnot only that for some imaginary, childlike reason that they are the cause of the abuse. Then too they feel responsible for the victim (and the abuser) and at young ages feel they must become the parental figures to thier own parents who, because of their abusiveness are acting more like children than adults. And the abuse spills over onto the children.
    In my own case it went this way: The family fo my childhood had more verbal abuse from my parents than physical, but my mother was left such an emotional wreck by it that she often screamed at us kids with the very least provocation (or none at all). My father’s parenting strategy he sumed up himself in this sentence, “Just don’t hit the kids in the face where the bruises can be seen!” Kids, in our household, had to learn survival tactics to make it through the days unscathed. My brothers tactics rapidly became, defer the violence onto the smallest member of the family….who just happened to be me…..I have been screamed at, told the nastiest self-esteem destroying things, beaten (more often than not with a hard rubber whip that resemembled a fan belt of a car doubled up, or a leather belt (sometimes the buckle), locked in closets and left there horrified, beating on the door and screaming until I collapsed in exhaustion,as a child, more times than I care to remember. I ended up a very quiet, frightened child, that ran away from adults at school and iften played alone.
    My parents relationship ended in a nasty divorce, I was about a junior in HS. My father said he “didn’t want” his two older children at all (my older brother and me) but claimed my younger brother in the divorce…whom he later ’sold’ back to my mother for a car. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I realized I was an adult, no longer a child that could be abused as a child was, and I put the experiences of childhood behind. But such a background has left me ill equiped to deal/cope with the realities/responsibilities of everyday adult life. Yes, I have forgiven them all (that’s not saying that I, in any way believe, that what my parents did was right…) but I realize that what went on inside themselves to cause that behavior was their own responisbility caused by something inside themselves that they simply didn’t know (or didn’t realize they should) change.
    I survived. Actually I outlived all of them…my brothers too…sad they all died along the way. It has had an effect on my adult life. I read every delf help book I can lay my hands on and work hard to deal with the inadequate feeling an upbringing like that has left me with. Sometimes it seems I’m doing just fine, then some little mess comes along to deal with (the economy slump with job loss, a hurricane hits my house, husband dies, etc…) and then right in the middle of trying to deal with that…boom!!…I get hit (once again) with a barrage of those olld feelings from years of abuse…and pain and inadequacies set in as I , once again, try to sort things out. Eventually I succeed (always..I’m a tough little bird). I don’t like to feel sorry for myself becuase it’s unhealthym but it is a little sad, I’m almost 60 now and have been run through the emotional-after-effect-of-parents/domestic/family abuse over and over….and I’ll probably have to go through it over and over again in the future..even if I live to be 120!! Each time it’s still painful..and I’ve cried buckets of tears (at least as many as the water Hurricaine Katrina dumped on New Orleans! LOL!!) Seriously though, I do not wish any child would have to go through the childhood and painful moments that I’ve had to go through in my lifetime.
    This is my plea…if not for your own sake…then for the littlest, most helpless victims, the ones that can’t stand up for themselves but depend on you and me to stand up for them….your children…end the cycle of domestic abuse, and end it now!! No child deserves the pain I’ve lived with. Not me, and certainly not yours.

  31. Mr Masoginist says:

    I cannot begin to tell you how much I agree with and support all efforts to curb “Domestic Violence”. I was raised on the wrong side of the tracks in New Mexico, where most of my neighbors were “Hispanic”; where the majority of the male Latinos practiced with pride… the tradition of Machismo… getting drunk and coming home and beating your wife and sexually mollesting your daughters.

    But let us talk about “normal” American neighborhoods… I know that men are getting out of control; abusing their wives. But might I suggest that a possible reason is that the average American woman does not feel righteous, until she figuratively castrates her husband, and turns him into a metrosexual so that she can wear the pants in the family? Hello…Hillary Clinton…the pant-suit wearing, angry man-hating, torch-carrying icon, of American Man-Hating. Ranting and Raving at your husband is the new wife-skill. It used to be cleaning and cooking?

    There is something wrong in our country… the battle between the sexes… 50% divorce rate…etc etc. It is my opinion that there are so many more Lesbians in America these days because… it is not because these women love each other. No.., it is because they hate men. Sick.

    The average American woman is just angry at all men over imagined slights, in the workplace, in the kitchen, in the bedroom… just emotionally confused and angry and ugly. American women are truly a waste…most of them. A lost generation. Reminds me of the Lost Generation of Angry African American Warriors who actually think that all of their problems are due to the “Abuse” of the White Man. Buying into the brainwashing of victimization…such a shame; such a waste, because these people cant think for themselves? White Men are the Nationally Designated Villains?

    Im an old white man… and lately all of the Angry African American Warriors I have met have blamed me, for the plantation that I supposedly stocked with slaves??? Excuse me??

    Im an old white man… and I walk on egg shells around women because they are snap-ready to accuse me and my brothers of being… “emotionally and verbally and physically abusive”… they all seem to have this memorized?? Excuse me??

    Im an old white man… and I can tell you for a fact…the most Abusive of all, in most modern day relationships… ARE THE WOMEN !!!! THEY ARE THE ANGRY ONES. AND EVEN IF THEY CANT GET AWAY WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE… THEY HAVE MADE AN ART OUT OF THE OTHER TWO… EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL ABUSE.
    And that’s a fact.

  32. Jody says:

    Dear Dr. Phil,

    I’m sorry for needing to write this but I’m there is a topic you have been talking about that has me fired up….it’s the topic “End the Silence”. You are always saying about ending domestic violence against women. Well what about domestic violence against MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything thing is about women, well I’m here to say it just doesn’t happen to women. My nephew was fatally stabbed by his wife October 2010. After my nephew was killed, which was on my birthday, we found out that she has a past history of violence but she kept it hidden from my nephew. My nephew served in the US Army and didn’t have time to use his military skills to save his life. So every time I hear everyone refer to domestic violence as being against women, it angers me. PLEASE Dr. Phil bring to light that it’s just not against women but also against men!!!!!!!!!!! R.I.P ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  33. Thank you Dr.Phil for your teaching and helpful topics you cover. I was going to sign the pledge, as I believe 100% of ending the silence on violence, however I am not an abuser. My daughters mother has the rage issues with the NPD and I believe, from all of the professional practice in manipulation and flippancy, perhaps this pledge may be one more issue for the mothers unethical lawyer to use against me. I have been verbally aggressive in my own defence of emotional and verbal abuse and also broke items during my first couple bipolar episodes 8 years ago. It has never been my charater to be violent and I am grateful to say my bipolar diagnosis has been medically managed for the past 5.5 years now along with commitment to never be ashamed to talk with counselors,other professionals, and continued learning always..including behavioral meditation and lots of biblical prayer. It appears this pledge may be for women and children so as I am a very concerned and devoted father for the physical and emotional well being, I am willing to still help to support the goal of the pledge to help the awareness anyway I can in the future. Thanks again Dr.Phil and Team! Sincerely, Chris Jespersen

  34. Chanel says:

    I’m. Ha ing the hardest time leaving the man I love, I. K ow he loves me but he isn’t. As nice as he shld be I. Do get itz hard but im. Not able to. Pull away and I don’t. Know why. I’m not sure wat to do, I know he is a good man. But its not ok to be Treated this way and I’m confused, idk why he just can’t. Be happy and nice iv tried everything and he can’t. Change, and I love him how does that work? Why can’t I b mean to some one who’s. Mean to me?

  35. Doris Kimball says:

    My daughter left an abusive husband (13years & 150 lbs bigger than her) after 5 years of mariage (3 kids). She is very quiet and passive, and tried very hard to make the marrage work. After one of the children were hurt during one of his outbursts, she talked him into taking an anger management course. This only worked for a short time, and the abuse kept getting worse (His father was also abusive). After taking the course, during another of his outbursts he forced her to leave the home (without the children), because he was afraid he would hurt her. She made the mistake of not calling CPS or the Police immediately (she thought that her leaving would help calm him down). She did end up getting the children 5 days later though. However, when we got to divorce court and he had is “HIGH PRICEd LAYWERS” and home-county advantage, and she had the bankruptcy attorney down the street, HE ended up with custody of the children. She had only worked part time and was a stay-at-home mother, so it was a big change for the children (and their mom) to go from seeing each other every day, to only seeing them a couple times a week. The children were ages 2,3,5. My daughter almost broke down, but with councelling and working a large number of hours a week, she became stronger. Within the 1st month or two, a LARGE handprint on the behind of the 2-year old was visible at visitation. Once, when she picked up the children, the middle child’s hair was soaked in bload so much that she immediately stopped by the nearest fire station to clean him up. CPS became involved and going to his house and finding it a HUGE MESS, with him dressed in torn shorts (after being notified ahead of time that they were coming). My daughter had heard they were going to find him neglectful, but it never happened. He is VERY NICE socially and can talk nice to anyone. He can lie as easy as tell the truth (which he did in court), and my daughter looks guilty even though she is always truthful. Just saying….abusive people are good actors, and are very angry when their “subjects” leave. They will stop at nothing to hurt their spouses…..and they see taking the children as a way to get the spouse to come back….or at least a good way to keep control of her.
    I don’t see how the judge didn’t see through this. Although he does live out in the country, and the gainsville county courthouse doesn’t even have a “family” judge. He now uses visitation to control my daughter. She didn’t get to see them on their birthdays…..because he wanted them on their birthdays. He tried to make it so she couldn’t see her oldest at school……or have him when he was gone for over 12 hours….but going back to the judge with a better laywer stopped that. Anytime he is especially angry at my daughter he doesn’t go to work…which causes my daughter to miss time she would normally see the children. He is a firefighter is Dallas. The times I’ve brought the children back to “dad’s”, they usually cry and beg the whole 2 1/2 hour trip for me to take them to “Mom’s” house, not “Dad’s” house. This is a heartbreaking as it gets. Over the year, they have gotten better, they may say it once or twice, but know that their is nothing I can do to help them. No-way will or should they go on TV…so this is not a solicitation. I just watched your show & heard you say “when the courts get it wrong”…and wanted to say YEAH, the courts do get it wrong. I was surprised that someone who hasn’t gone through the system realizes that it does happen. And from what I have seen, I bet it happens a lot. If the quality of your laywer determines the outcome of the case…or the fact that your mother knows a lot of the people in the courthouse makes a difference, how can anyone expect a decision thats “the best for the children”.

  36. Bonita Blomfield says:

    If there is anything I could tell a woman it’s often so hard to get out of a relationship like that.I think in my case because he so subtly took away my self esteem .I didn’t even realize it was gone.So beware of that! Another thing that happened in my case is every time I did leave after a beating My Aunt and Mother would say to me “ok the bruises are gone now and the cuts healed it’s time to go home now!” They would tell me what a good man he was because he worked hard to support the girls and I.This is way women think in past generations.
    We are taught little girls grow up get married have children and are responsible for everything.Whoever came up with the princess and knight in shining armour was nuts.Why would someone think up such lies and tell them to little girls!
    I would like to share just a little bit of what happened to me after putting up with so many years of abuse.
    I had surgery twice in a month.My ex husband came in the house and said to me is that all you do is lay around all the time now? He came to pick up our son for the day. As soon as he left I showered and dressed and went in to town to buy a newspaper.I found two places I was interested in renting. After looking at the second place I rented it. I can’t say I wasn’t sad .I mourned my loss so much.But I knew I couldn’t go back .after three days a thought wow three days and I’m ok! Three weeks later and I was still ok. Not happy but ok.Then three months came and went. After three years I fiannly dated again.It was now my intent to get even with men to treat them as they treated women.
    Well, that didn’t work.I ended up being friends with the three guys I did date. But I seen them on my terms when I wanted to!After living on my own for 6 years I started realizing I had gained back all my self esteem and more.I was successful.Financially I had made it on my own.Somehow I always managed to go where I wanted to when I wanted to.Concerts 9 the first year.Free tickets or tickets next to nothing! Because friends bought tickets and couldnt use them for whatever reason. My son and I had dates when he was young.We went to movies and concerts together.Sometimes dinner and a musical at the local schools.Life was good to us.I think it was 2000 or 2001 when I started having a friendly chat with this man from Australia on line in a music room I shared with some beautiful friends. There was never much conversation mostly about our children and grand children that were born close together.He came to the states often because his kids lived in Oklahoma. We decided we would meet in 2004. I was going to be his guide thru Niagra falls because I had been there 7 or 8 times it was only 4 hours away. We met at the airport and Wow he was a perfect gentleman for 4 long days! It was then we decided we were going to be married when he could come back to the states to live. Three years later that happened.I have learned that fairy tales do come true.He is my prince .He treats me as if I were the Queen.Coffee in bed every day.Breakfast at times too. So ladies once you find your self esteem again learn that it’s ok to live alone.And it’s ok to share your life with someone.But Never ever compromise your standards or values for any man.Learn what you want in a relationship. And don’t except any less. I wanted companionship .Someone to share my life with not to give it to. We don’t compete with each other we compliment each other. He’s strong where I’m not so strong.And the opposite is true for him. we have been married 4 years and it still feels just like yesterday.

  37. Laura says:

    Dr. Phil said that nobody goes out looking for violence. I know for a fact that
    he is wrong! Some girls/women do choose to date violent men.

    In 1976, I and a coworker were 19 years old. She had just started dating one
    young man, but, another asked her out. She agreed to date the second man.
    The day of the date, she asked me for my opinion about whether she should
    actually go out on the date or if she should cancel.

    She said that although young man #1 was a really nice guy she was used to and
    liked dating “rough” guys, which was what young man #2 was. I told her that I
    did not like, nor would I date, young man #2.

    She went out on the date that night and he killed her during an attempt to rape

  38. Karrie Reno says:

    I cannot tell you that your pain is less or insignificant it is personal to you. I can tell you if you’ve been abused in any way. I know each and every “type” of abuse and how that feels. I know where to start, how to build, and I can tell you, to deal with the lies you’ve been told about you, that you are worthless or not worth respecting is the biggest lie of all. You cannot go around this, you cannot bury it you go right through it and go past it. I promise you on the other side there is light, there is peace, and there is true life. It’s not about churches, or someone else’s ideas it’s your journey and it’s your time, and that time is right now. Take a step away from what you know so well the abuse, into the unknown, be brave and when you come out on the other side. You’ll truly know what you are made of. Something no one else can take from you.

    My Story My poem:

    Abuse – On the other side

    Lord on my knees I pray that old feeling tries to come after me;
    will be blocked and you’ll set me free.

    Jesus just one second in every minute of my day,
    I need your fortress to enfold me and keep it away.

    Remember when I was 5 and You were with me
    when his hands did travel and my sanity started to unravel.
    Remember the hanger and many a blow to my back, bottom,
    and legs the pain sure did grow.
    Also recall when I was only 8 how I’d get a piggy back ride
    from my cousin which I did hate, he’d do things I didn’t like although
    I didn’t understand, but it was his will he did command.
    Remember other many times, You were with me and held me close.
    You brought to me at 11yrs old the Holy Ghost.
    It’s my Nanny’s church I accepted you that day.
    It’s the beginning of taking all this hatred away.
    At 13 I had no desire to play with the kids outside you see,
    instead in my room you played games and I learned passages names of your book
    to me.
    Oh the worst thing at age 14, it was source of my pain, and all my tears.
    My band teacher did take advantage, he took what was left of my innocence and my
    virginity too. The damage was done inside I knew.

    I never wanted the innocence to be jerked away
    at the age I lost my trust;
    I have to walk through this, yes I know I must.
    Only you know the rejection, and fears,
    You alone wiped away all tears.

    Please Lord take this demon away from me,
    and give my spirit direction – a connection to thee.

    I pray on my knees, mind, heart, body and soul
    let me feel your presence again only You make me whole.

    When my father died you’re the only Father I’ve ever known,
    throughout the years my love for you has grown.

    My spirit cries out to be at peace within this aging shell
    To spend eternity with my Father and not live in this hell.

    I can get through all these things because of you; you see,
    but to lose you Lord Jesus would be the undoing of me.

    Thank you for coming and getting my spirit straight,
    and helping me accept what others call fate.

    Through my whole life, I hold no resentment, anger, and
    only desire peace as You have given me understanding too.
    I understand why all has happened to me,
    I am instrument to use so you can set others free.

  39. jennifer says:

    I was in a abusive relationship for 19 years. I got out 4 years ago, I had to move 2300 miles away. Alot of people ask why I stayed so long. I was scared and I thought if he was hitting on me he would leave my family alone. But there was a part of me that thought i still loved him and hoped he would change. During this time my 15 year old niece was killed by her ex-boyfriend because she broke up with him. I still have nightmares and probably will for the rest of my life. I would like to tell all the women out there get out now before he kills you!. Its been 4 years and I am doing great! I met a man that I am deeply in love with. He treats me with respect and love. He does not drink or try to control every move I make. I didnt know that men like that were real. I am a correction officer a maximum security prison. I know I can stand on my own!

  40. cynthia pruitt says:

    my grand daughters one 9month and one 6 years old are showing problems about hearing and seeing their mother being abused. One instance was when i saw with my own eyes my daughter being told to leave their place the day before she was to get into have her baby on monday
    My daughter has been proven to have depression to the point of bi polar and i truely believe she got that way from being mistreated by the male friend in her life for the last year and a half. My husband and myself have cried most of the time the girls are with him. The guy not only has abused them mostly but us also by the torment my daughter came home with the girls after mothers day this year. we begged her to leave both of the girls with us the baby acted afraid of any of the men around us this is a sign. My daughter was talked back into comeing back to washington state we have tried and tried to get her to stay here told her what he is up to and she is not logical with us we even tried bribeing her big time. My 6yr old is happy but hates the man her mom is with. States will not help us Ok and Washington I am afraid we have to send my granddaughter back because we have no say so. Thank You Cynthia

  41. Jennifer Kelly says:

    I was in an abusive relationship for three years. He was perfect at first, then i married him. He controlled me, cut me off from my family, and mentally abused me. Then it got physical. The final straw was when he beat on me for an hour straight with my kids watching. He busted windows in the house, mirrors, and beat my truck up. He was drunk and wanted me to take him to the store and my daughter was only 6, she wanted to go, he told me in front of her “that’s not a good idea because i’m going to kill you”. Finally out of desperation I told my kids to get in the truck quick. We all ran. My 13 year old was in front, my 3 youngest in back, they didn’t get the two passenger doors shut fast enough. He grabbed my 13 year old and tried to pull him out so I grabbed him with my right hand and smashed the gas and in all the confusion my husband got ran over. He was in MCV for a couple weeks. Shattered pelvis. What made me so mad was my 13 year old called the cops and he had to hang up because my husband walked in but its a small town and they know my husband by name, they should have come. My 13 year old had to go to the emergency room because my husband hit him in the ribs sometime during the struggle and then Lancaster County’s finest arrested me in the hospital. They wouldn’t even let me wait until my son was discharged. I am from Newport News so that’s an hour and a half away. That’s where my kids dad lives. My son didn’t know anyone in Lancaster County but I had to have a stranger (my friend) come to the hospital to sit with him & take him home. I was talking to dispatch when my son told me that he thought my husband had gotten ran over. I told them. It was an accident and I felt horrible for it but my kids were terrified and then their mom gets arrested and they have to stay with strangers. My husband got treated like the victim when all I was trying to do was get my children and myself to safety. One year later and I live in Newport News, I’ve finished my anger management classes, and I’m on unsupervised probation until August of next year. Now all I have to do is save the $680.00 for my divorce.

  42. Barbara Knight says:

    I wrote to your show earlier today,I don’t watch much TV only comedy when I do.To much sadness in the world.I never realized until the last 2 years that ther was such a thing as mental or emotional abuse until my husband was gone and I realized I had not 1 friend,my husband had never introduced me to coworkers.I was a stay at home mom for the last 16yrs,all my family was in R.I and I’m in S.C he’s an alcoholic and in LawEnforcement so if you thought just being a woman was bad try being a woman divorcing an abusive alcoholic in law enforcement!He has broken every court order I got custody of my teenage chiildren but between his parents andhim they managed to convince her I was the villan and bought her to their side they took her out of school illegally and enrolled her in another county.I was afraid to just go get her and also didnt want to upset her.Many people said he has nothing to lose you dont know what he will do and he has pulled his gun before and what would I do call the police!!!So I waited for my now second lawyer 1st backed out who was gun ho we repeatedly asked for gaurdian they never got one my husband in the meanwhile has been in rehab.Kept my son longer then he was supposed to i made a police report and all my creit is ruined my house is in foreclosure,I was making house payments I made one late because I have become very ill I was in hospitol on several occasions and my son was at drs andhome sick from school also i made the payment and the late fee they had me in court faster then i could blink I was already making another payment 2days before another surgery and I’m supposed to be in court the same day as surgery,I have no lawyer now he ran out the door at the last hearing with all my money and did nothing.I sent emails paperwork everything showing surgery doctor date everything.They call me the day I had surgery we got your emails they had court w/out you present but they cant tell me what happened.I found out the hard way my support went from 3.000 a month to 500.00 every 2 weeks.he got custody of my daughter back in november even though shelives with grandparents in a different town and they are well off and spoil the kids and then in Jan. judge gives them 800.00 every 2 weeks to care for my daughter because now they are saying they are living on social security.They own over 22acres of land 6 vehichles a place in myrtle beach and the list goes on.I qualify for disability but can’t recieve it because my name is on the house deed.So I’m trying to live on 500.oo every 2 weeks food,utilities,my son myself 2 dogs anda house.I haven’t had treatment for RA in over a year I can barely get out of bed bu I do everyday I will not give up!My older son from a previous marriage that they never speak of that witnessed this mans alcohilism since the age of 4 lives in R.I with my mom and is being treated for MS that he was diagnosed with 3yrs ago and I cant do anything for him.My teenage daughter started cutting herself 2yrs ago or more and from what I hear is still doing it.I caught her drinking doing drugs and hanging w/the wrong crowd I went to my husband he said he was looking into couseling he never did he was gone!I got her into couseling after I filed for divorce but she seemed ok until she was with father and grandparents she cut herself so bad it looked like ahorror show.Itold the counselor she did nothing,her father nothing said it was my fault!she even became physically abusive to me tore up the house and karate kicked me in the stomach.I told my husband once gain he said I was a liar and sick and needed help.My 14 yr old son has never wanted to live w/his dad but now he is becoming physically and mentally abusive just like my daughter except he weighs 250lbs and is 6′2 I’m 5′9 about 130lbs says I’m fat lazy phsyco’I don’t deserve money I don’t have a job.Dad does dad went to college ,you kep taking dad to court for money he just wants custody of me!I cant do anything I hate the thought of being around him even though my heart is breaking because I know hes just a child being manipulated by sick people.Even the gaurdian they appointed has said nothing good about me but my husband who is supposedly poor has paid him in full I on the other hand am eating peanut butter and jelly and ramen noodles because I cant pay electric bill havent paid him anything I have hospitol bills over 5000.00 I owe this gaurdian around 6000.00,lawyers?My husband has even been in my house an stole things I have witnesses to this Iwas in the hospitol my sister was here he didnt know she walked in and caught him hesaid he wasgetting something of my sons.I havnt spoke to my daughter in a year she calls me a lying bitch!All I want is money!She wishes I would crawl under a rock and die!these are kids that I raised we were very close and no one is listening to me the courts havent even slapped him on the wrist they have completely ignored what hes done and they are tearing what little is left of my family and putting us in debt all of this is completely unecessary and disgraceful!Can someone please help!Ive gone to sistercare and called hotlines legalaide I get nothing.

  43. Margaret says:

    In Australia we have a high rate of child abuse by a parent and mostly the dads; I won’t call them fathers because most of the time they don’t know how to be one. My husband walked out on us two years ago after telling me he had been seeing his old girlfriend from 25 years ago, we had been married for just over 20 years and have two wonderful daughters, one is now 21 and the younger is 17. It’s the 17 yo that had been copping the brunt of his physical abuse which I believe started about 7 years before he left, which is about the time he started seeing his old girlfriend. When I found that he had lied to me about where he was and found that he was with her, I told him not to come home and we have been surviving very well just the three of us.
    My ex and his sister have been very psychologically abusive since I virtually kicked him out. You see its all my fault that he strayed because he wasn’t getting it at home cause he was still tied to his mother’s apron strings and not being the spiritual head of the house and never made any of the major decisions that was all me, except once when he made a decision to buy our third home that needed work done to it, we left a brand new home to go to a run down home nearer the children’s school.
    He was lazy and wouldn’t look for a decent job to support us, I have been looking for work and sometimes have to work full time in temporary positions, but now after the downturn in the economy, I have no job, just holding onto the house thanks to the girls and their allowances. He of course denies that he has abused his youngest daughter but I have proof, the older girl took a photo one time.
    We hardly see their father now and I am working through the courts to hold onto the house for a roof over our heads. If we had to get into public housing we would have had to put our name down at least 10 years ago to be eligible. I can’t work so I am unable to get a house loan, unable to rent.
    There is no resources of where a Single Mother can go for various assistance. Here the government won’t advise what to do, you have to know what to do – if you don’t ask the right questions you don’t get an answer.
    I have however got myself involved in a group called Council for Single Mothers with Children, they seem to be able to assist in some way.

  44. Ivy Medina says:

    Dear Dr. Phil,
    I am so happy that you are undertaking this important,yet seldom spoken about subject,Domestic Violence. Our daughter had lived through this ordeal with an ex boyfriend. (This had happened to us last year). We had tried in vain to convince he that,he was just no good for her. Our daughter is stubborn,Dr. Phil,(not to mention hard headed at times). She had stayed with him for what seemed like an eternity.
    He threw her against our wall in our apartment,and he told her “I am only trying to control you.Just listen to me!!!!” She was knocked to the floor,and she was still conscious. My husband and I wanted him out in the worst way before. He was a lazybum,with no ambition,and he wanted to live off our daughter. After I had convinced her to leave,she did just that. She was frightened,and she felt that,we did not love her any longer,and that we would judge her. She was abused,and she was broken. In August of 2010,after my husband had been released from the hospital for congestive heart failure,we were informed that,our daughter,(Aida),was in the hospital,because she had suffered a Grand Mal seizure,brought on by the abuse of her former boyfriend. She had been in the hospital for a few days,in the pediatric unit,(because she was under age at the time). She is now 20. The seizure was caused by this animal,and since then,she had gotten an order of protection against him. She is now with someone who loves her more than life itself. The pain of seeing her go through this was too much for me to bear,alone.
    I am pleased that,we are now mending the broken bridges that were left behind by this monster.
    Today,she is working as a Pharmacy Technician in a big chain drug store,and she really enjoys what she does. She is a bright,funny,and lovely young woman,that just brightens a room,whenever she enters. She is still taking her medication,so this way the seizures are kept at bay.
    The emotional trauma that follows this act,is long lasting,and sometimes it is very
    difficult to even talk about. It took me a while to even come to turns with it. I had always asked myself “What could I have done to prevent this animal from even coming near my daughter? Could we,as parents done more to teach her how to better defend herself,(even after all of those self-defense classes that she had taken to ward off the bullies in her school? We are still at odds with this. We have gone on with our lives,but for us,it is still a painful chapter in our lives.
    What have we learned from this horrible experience? To always,always have an open dialogue with our daughter,not to rush to judgment,and keep a level head on our shoulders. Thank you,Dr. Phil.

    Ivy Medina

  45. Tina Ellis says:

    Dear Dr. Phil,

    This is Tina Ellis again. As of a few minutes ago, my friend Mary Tindal has contacted your national hotline number from your website. They told her to contact the South Carolina Attorney General’s office and Our Govenor’s office. She is already doing everything or has done everything that can be done but her ex is still free to do what ever he wants to her. She is about to give up and wait for the end to come. No one is stepping up to stop him. Everyone is saying that she has done everything already and they can’t help her anymore because of that. She needs HELP! She is waiting for the final confrontation. She says that it is comming soon. She feels that she will not be here next year because of this situation. Help me to help her. PLEASE!!!! Thank you again, Sir.

  46. Robert D Dix Sr says:

    I would like to say that I agree 100% about who pay’s the bills.
    They say that the Seniors and Veterans of this country will be the
    first to lose. I say that our Lawmakers should be the first, “NO
    PAY CHECKS” until everything is ageed with what is on the table.
    We do pay them for what they do and if they are not doing it don’t
    pay. And by that I mean let them know that if they do take away from
    the perople, then just maybe we should not pay our Taxes.
    Then how would they handle the deficit. I don’t think that they could
    put everuyone in jail.


  47. Maggie says:

    Dear Dr. Phil,

    Thank you so much for doing this campaign to end the silence on domestic violence! I’m now 16 years old and healthy and the oldest of three kids. My parents have been divorced for almost 13 years and I haven’t seen my father in those 13 years. My wonderful mother has an OFP thing against him. And the reasoning for that is because my father used to abuse me and my family. My moms father abused her when she was a child and then when she got married to my dad and he abused her for 8 years. I was abused for the first 5 years of my life and my younger siblings had gotten the tail end of it all. My brother was 9 months old when my mom divoced my dad. whwen my mom left my dad he threatened my mom that he would come and find us and take me and my two siblings away from my mom and never bring us back. And my mom has to go back every 2 years to get the OFP renewed and as of 3 years ago in May my dad had tried to take me and my siblings away from my mom. My siblings had to go see a therapist because they were forced to by the court and my dad was there and he lied to my siblings and I can remember my little brother, who was 8 at the time, coming out of the room and telling my mom that he hated her and my sister, who was 10 at the time, reacted almost the same as my little brother. My mom has been telling the truth about everything my siblings had come to realize that. My dad owes my mom close to $145,000 in child support money and he will not pay it and no one will listen to us. Everyone thinks my mom is lying, which she’s not. Because he won’t pay the child support my mom has filed bankruptcy so many times I’ve lost count, she’s gonna have to start working 2 jobs, and I can’t always do what other kids can. At one point we couldn’t even afford to buy food and we had to go to the food shelf for a few months. And it was embarrassing in my opinion. It’s not fair! My mom should not have do go to the food shelf to get food or work to jobs to provide for us 3 kids. My family is still suffering from my dad and he hasn’t been in our lives in 13 years.

    I’ve had a lot of people say to me that I need to get over it and move on. But it’s different with everybody. My family, we’re over it to a point, we like to share our story so others know, but once you go through that kind of thing it stays with you for forever. I’m 16 years old and I’m still having nightmares about my dad and what happened. My sister and I don’t even know if we were ever raped by our dad. There’s no way to find out and my dad won’t tell the truth so her and I are left to wonder and it hurts. And I’m freaking out because in 2 years when I turn 18 I’m gonna have to get a restraining order against him so I can feel safe when I go to college or go shopping or even go for a walk. My dad and his parents have made it very clear that they will come after my siblings and I when we turn 18.

    I’m just really glad that you’re doing this campaign! When I tell some of my friends about what happened with my dad they just laugh at me and say i’m lying. So again that’s another reason it’s hard to get over it, because no one seems to care or are educated that this can happen to people and that it claims tons of womens and kids lives every single day! If my mom would have stayed with my dad any longer all four of us(my mom, me and my 2 siblings) would have been dead. So thanks a whole lot Dr. Phil for doing this! My family and I were are huge fans of your show. We watch it every single night! You’re awesome!


  48. mirnesa causevic says:

    Hello dr.phil. My name is Mirnesa Causevic and im a 16 year old girl who resides in michigan. I would just like to point out that domestic violence has always been something that I’ve always wanted to stand up for. I have never understood why girls take so much abuse from men. I don’t know how they can sit there and take the crap that they get. Its not only men. There’s woman who do this type of stuff also. Either way, it is not right. I’ve recently started watching your show this year and I’ve seen a few episodes where a man has abused the woman physically, mentally & emotionally. That is not right nor will ever be right. I believe that woman should stand up and stop it. Leave, tell him off, do whatever it takes to protect their children from those kind of people. If a man lays his hands on a woman then he does not love her. Enough said. They wouldn’t want to hurt you if they love you like you said dr.phil the wife can beat on you all she wants but you have no right to lay your hands on a woman. That’s disrespectful. I give my friends advice about this before it even happens because I CANNOT stand this. Its not okay and something needs to be done. Thought id share my opinion. By the way your show is amazing and I look forward to it everyday..

    Sincerely, Mirnesa causevic.

  49. Mariah says:

    I am 19 years old when i was 16 i thought i found the love of my life i got pregnant with our son Joseph-Xavier when i was 17 i gave birth he was my pride and joy but John(my ex partner) turned around for the worst he became controlling and never helped out with our son i raised him by myself while he was getting high and hanging out with friends and i was always at home with our son Joey by myself i had no friends 8 months after having Joey and me at 18 i get pregnant with my second son Jackson-Terry while i was pregnant with Jackson i got married to John at the age of 18 two months after being married John became abusive while i was pregnant he shoved me threatned to kill me and seriously hurt me i was never alowed to leave the house only when he said but never alone i had to have supper made at 5:00 every night or he would get very violent he forced me to have sex with him twice i tried calling the cops he broke the phones so i couldnt call out i was so scared to leave him because he said he would kill me and take my kids if i ever left him but when Jackson was 3 months old in April of 2011 i left him and went to a shelter for a little while untill i knew i was save to go back to my house i had him charged with 13 abuse charges.. He held our youngest son once when he was born and it was for 5 minutes because he started to cry he didnt care about his kids and still dosent hes with a new girl who he got knocked up because he was cheating on me with her… He also stole money from me when i left him because i was never allowed my wallett and so i had to leave without and he stole all my identifiacation and the childrens(got them back) but he stole 300 dollars from me and all the food and formula and diapers out the house and my parents almost lost there vechile because i had nothing when i came back and they had to help me get back on my feet becuase of what he has done.. I am currently waiting for trial in October when oldest son who is 2 never asks for daddy and my 7 month old son will never remeber him iam also takeing full custody of my boys because he has no idea how to raise or even watch them for a half hour or even two mintues! I just wish i could over the emotional toll that you get when you are going threw all the processess of leaveing an abusive spouse.

  50. Dirk G. de Vreugd says:

    (Male, 36 year old).

    Any form of violence is a no go, as is any form of abuse.
    Sadly we allow it to continue, unwillingly.
    Our selfdefense mechanisms take over, and as such we view things through different eyes.
    This makes things seem far less severe, when we look back at it.
    Personaly, looking back over the years, i find myself unable to feel what i`ve been through.
    I can reason about it, and get a sence of the severity of it all, yet it doesn`t effect me at all.
    Numbed, in denial, pretending that nothing is wrong,.
    Been there for many many years.
    I`ve become very passive, unsure of myself, and have been unable to stand up for myself for at least 25 years (since early childhood up to very very recently).
    Verbal abuse, intimidation, physical abuse lateron,..
    All i can say: i wish my mom would`ve believed me when i told her he hit me, as i had no-one to turn to.
    I have great social difficulties, and can honestly say that i have never had any close friends.

    I can honestly say that things won`t change, even if the abuser says to be changed.
    And even IF,…
    Put yourself first!!!
    Choose for yourself over anyone who behaves in ways which we generaly accept to be abusive..
    You are worth the risks you might see, and often those risks hurt far less than staying!

    my heart goes out to everyone going through the actual situation, or the aftermath.
    Don`t doubt yourself!
    You can do it..
    Nobody deserves to be abused in any way, not even you!!!
    Nobody asks to be abused,.
    It is wrong, and it has to stop..

    Kind regards, Dirk

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