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October 1st, 2012 by Dr. Phil

National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month

DVBlogIn the time it takes you to read these two paragraphs, at least 10 women in America will become victims of domestic violence. Every 12 seconds in America, a woman suffers from a form of domestic violence. Whether it be psychological or physical, this is without question one of the most serious public health and criminal justice issues facing women today.

October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. Personally, I feel that since domestic violence has no regard for social or economic status, race, ethnicity, age, education, marital status or physical ability, every month should be Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. But raising awareness in October is a great start.

Please join me in becoming a Silence Breaker by donating to the campaign supporting victims of domestic violence. All the funds raised will be donated to shelters and other programs across the country that provide a safe refuge to abused women and their children. Lastly, if you are being battered or abused, GET HELP. Go to DrPhil.com where you can find important information to help you and your children. Resources can also be found at the National Network to End Domestic Violence — NNEDV.org — or you can always contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).

Domestic violence is not OK, and I ask your support in delivering this message.

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82 Responses to “National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month”

  1. Angela says:

    Dr.Phil,
    Am I in a an abusive marriage? He dose not hit me. However my husband…. Has been increasingly more aggressive with me, no patience, flat out disrespectful. I clearly let him know its causing damage. I usually find a way to justify his behavior…we has no desire in effectively communicating why our marriage is so unhealthy. Literally. I’m 31 and have heart failure., he is from Spain, I’m from DFW. I know your busy. But this is my last effort to reach out, fr direction in healing our marriage. Please advise
    Thank you kindly
    Angela Ruiz

  2. Betty says:

    Hello Angela,
    1. Abuse is not just hitting its yelling, it’s controlling, it’s degrading it is anything that scares you or that you feel unsafe. If you have children it is YOUR job to protect them and the best way is to show them that you will not allow this, you care about yourself and them. If you don’t have kids you deserve happiness and that is standing strong leave now. ask God he will help you praying for you

  3. kathie says:

    Dr. Phil
    Are you aware that the female serviceperson who is protecting you while you sleep is being made to pay for the rest of her life (due to USFSPA) a former spouse for abusing her. I would love you to meet Brenda, who is afraid to get a divorce, simply because she will be forced to pay her former spouse who abused her 50% of her military retainer pay (this is wages not a pension – look it up – military retainer pay is a wage). Others female servicepersons are forced to give up child support to an abuser spouse after they have paid their way through college, and the former spouse now has a 6 figure income. These enlisted women are forced to pay for life a lessor amount of their military retainer pay for life to their abuser

    I would love to supply you with testimony and provide you with contact information for these women. I have no benefits in reporting this to you, but someone has to bring this to light. I am a civilian who is appalled that this is happening. Women are now serving on the front lines and after 20 years finding out that their country has stacked the cards against them. Lawyers, not honestly presenting the facts of USFSPA for the benefit of feathering their own nest, are causing those who have offered their very lives to protect us are being forced to support their former spouses for life who have abused them.

    Someone has to make this travesty know.

  4. Sue says:

    Dr. Phil, I was brought to tears the day your sweet wife introduced When Georgia Smiled and the Aspire website and app. Oh, how I wish these types of resources would have been available when I was stuck in not one, but two abusive marriages! I got out of the first marriage after five years, but the second one took me 25 years to finally leave. It’s amazing that when a man threatens to kill you and your children if you try to leave him, how very difficult it makes the task of leaving–ever. I was terrified to try because I didn’t know if he would actually follow through with that threat. Thankfully, I got out of the marriage safely about three years ago, and he’s gone away quietly, and I’m so grateful for the prayers that were answered in that regard. I have peace in my life finally.

    Thank you so much for your wonderful show. It’s very evident that you truly care for the people you are helping through this important work that you do.

  5. Madison says:

    Domestic abuse isn’t something that happens to women only. I’m only 18 and I can tell you that. I can’t even name the number of times I’ve watched both my parents throw things at each other, strike each other, push each other down, kick and punch holes in the wall, etc. This is BOTH of them. I’ve watched my mom take a cell phone charger and whip it at my dads face and then had to clean up all the blood that came from that situation because they both wouldn’t. I’m moving out this month to escape their fights, and I’m scared that once I’m not home to mediate their fights, that someone will end up dead. They both have been to jail a total of 3 times in the passed year for domestic assault related charges, and it’s just scary not knowing if you’ll come home one night to find one of them dead. Growing up, I was amazed when my friends would tell me they got upset after hearing their parents argue about something and it made me realize how sad it is that I am never even alarmed by my parents’ violent fights that occur almost every other night anymore. It’s apparent the cops don’t scare them, so it’s just an all around scary situation. I came on here to find help for coping through this from a child’s perspective because I’m suffering from severe depression and watching my parents fight all the time lately has not settled well with me at all. Dr.Phil needs an episode that discusses how this affects the child, because I looked into it and it’s dead on with me personally. Parents need to know not only what they’re doing to each other, but what they’re doing to their kids. Especially from my perspective, I know that after awhile I started to blame myself for their fights because they would blame me after I’d try to make them stop fighting. It’s miserable thinking your parents hate each other because of you. Hopefully moving out is a good decision.

  6. Sienna says:

    Hello.

    I need help. I am in a relationship that is verbally, mentally, & emotionally abusive, yet I want to try and repair it. I will try to make this as brief as possible as I could probably write a book at this point based on my experiences. My mate and I are not married, but have two small children together (boy-19 months & girl 7 months). They are the main reasons that I want to try and make this work. I do love him, but not the way he makes me feel or the person I become around him in retaliation to his abuse. I am 39 and he is 40. I am a teacher, very independent, and EXTREMELY close to my family (who all basically dislike him at this point). They have witnessed him yelling at me, calling me AWFUL names, putting me down, being extremely judgmental as to how my family raised me (based on what he sees I lack as a woman). He was not always like this with me, but was, from what I hear, worse in a previous relationship (20 years with 2 kids that do not want to see him). I believe he has some VERY severe depression issues, anxiety issues, severe insecurities along with a unidentified chemical imbalance (thinking bipolar and OCD). I am not a doctor, but have witnessed some similar traits from students I teach. He self medicates by smoking an illegal substance EVERY day, multiple times. I have begged him to get evaluated as I think him getting a grasp on this imbalance along with some anger management would be very productive, but one without the other does NOT work. He has been to anger management, but never dealt with the root of his problems. He has gone to parenting class (mandated by children and family services), which I feel was absolutely pointless. I asked them for help with how he treats me and they send him to parenting class. I don’t understand. We have been to counseling, but I had to go first in order for him to come and he never owned his part. He always stated (especially when he was enraged) that I was the crazy one and that he was going only to be supportive to me, so we stopped. He has had a string of not so good events happen to him over his lifetime. At this point, most of his misfortune is almost self-inflicted. By this I mean his total disregard to do any better and just be depressed has basically handicapped him. I do not want to take away from the validity of his sorrows, but it’s time to deal with them and not take them out on others. He has called me numerous names, accused me of cheating on an everyday basis with men, women, and family members ( I am NOT cheating), made fun of my speech impediment (lisp) and told me it’s from giving other men oral sex, he has taken pictures of my underwear to survey other people as to whether they agree with him that its stained from sexual activities, he has broken the washing machine so that I could no longer wash the evidence of sexual activity off (in his mind), he has posted horrible things about me on facebook, he accuses me of being inappropriate at work with both teachers and students, he takes pictures of the house when it’s not clean as evidence that I am not doing my womanly deeds, he calls me a pig and fat. I have a 16-year-old daughter from a previous relationship who also lives with us. She has begun to hear his rants and is very upset with it. During the last situation, she called the cops on him. He says mean things like the children are not his, he doesn’t care about them, that I have piggish ways and am raising my daughter to be the same. He doesn’t want me to have any male friends, actually he’d rather me not have any friends at all, but will deny it. He may not say it, but everytime I try to do something or go out, he starts in on his emotional abuse. I have spoken to his mother several times and she is in agreement with me that he needs some type of evaluation.

    I have my own issues that I have dealt with in the past and thought I had them under control until this relationship. This situation definitely does not bring out the best in me and I am definitely making some HUGE mistakes. I throw things and hit once he starts to attack me. I don’t want this reaction, which is why I was seeking counseling as well. My tongue is also very sharp and I start to say mean things back now.

    Money is a huge issue for us as well right now since I am on maternity leave with no pay and he just lost his job a few weeks ago (involving his temper). He use to work nights and his sleep pattern is totally off due to it. He would get mad if I did not have underwear on when he left for work, even if I had pants on. This is where my strong-will kicked in because I would tell him that it was my body and that I did not have to put underwear on. This led to a huge argument every time. He is currently in school, but threatens to drop out every time we argue since it was something I strongly encouraged him to do and helped finance. He is very chauvinistic (admits to it) and has NO respect for women at all (something I think stems from childhood). He is a homophobe to the extreme and believes that everyone is a potential molester when it comes to his children (even my daughter). He accuses me of being turned on by every man I see, even those on T.V. and won’t sleep with me if he feels I am in that state.

    So why do I want to save this you ask? He is GREAT with his children (the yelling at me in front of them is a problem). He has a heart of gold and will give you his shirt off his back when not in one of his states. I want my children to have a “normal” family/ I want my children to not only have, but live with BOTH their mother and father. I know he loves us, but his obsession with control and treating us like his property is too much. There is so much more, but I should stop now. PLEASE HELP!!!! I feel like I am losing my mind, my relationship with my daughter, my relationship with my whole family, everything I’ve worked so hard for, and him. In general I am looking for help in getting him evaluated and educated about his situation in hopes that it will be beneficial to us as a couple in the long run.

    Thank you.

  7. Caroline says:

    To ANGELA above,
    if he is blaming you for HIS emotions(anger, frustrations, rage, disrespect) it is abuse.
    If he works out his anger on you, it is abuse.
    If HE makes you feel bad about yourself, it is usually abuse.

    Hi Dr. Phil
    Firstly, let me say bravo for this initative. Silence about domestic violence is what enables it to continue.
    Secondly, I have some reactions to some recent shows on the subject. I was married to an emotional and psychological abuser for seven years and even after it broke up I didnt realise it was abuse because he was so damn clever at putting the blame anywhere but on himself. Only later did I understand what it really was.
    As I watch the show and watch abusive men talk and how they always, always, say that it is the womans fault and that she is a liar for being honest about what is happening, I am taken right back in time.
    In an effort to be ‘fair’ in the interview and not ‘kick the guy to the kerb’ I see the men getting away with emotional murder. On screen. Today it was the Home Invasion episode

    Honest question. Why NOT kick the guy? He has been doing it to the woman for years! Abusive men are huge manipulators and the woman is usually not coping with the abuse and so yes, one can pick faults with them, but honestly, you seem to be determined to share the blame equally between the two. That happened to me all the time, people saying ‘it takes two to tango’. Its like blaming the raped person for being raped.
    Yes, I am too emotionally involved – let me summarise by saying that the last thing a women who is being abused needs is another man to bully her, and the last thing the abusive man needs is someone trying to ‘understand’ them or give them sympathy, or blame it on ‘head trauma’ – it gives them more excuses and more power. They need to take responsiblity for the pain they inflict on others, just like anyone else.

  8. Kelly says:

    I’m scared to death, tonight. Not only for myself but my 21 month son and the unborn child Im carrying. I called the police and kicked him out, immediately following the last incident, last weekend. Most nights, AND tonight especially, I feel like a sitting duck. I feel like I’m awaiting his arrival for what could be the final incident.I don’t know what to do. unfortunately, I don’t have a support system. no family to speak of no friends.I have a therapist I speak to once a month and a phone number for a domestic abuse hotline.I feel afraid, alone, vulnerable and unprotected. do i file a restraining order and purchase a gun for protection? I don’t know what to do. Most of all I’m worried for my child.he has never shown any anger or signs of any type of abuse towards our son, but I know he hates me so much right now and I’m afraid he’s capable of doing almost ANYTHING to hurt me, maybe even hurting our son…

  9. Mandy Odle says:

    Check out this girl rapping about her experience in domestic violence. It was posted on my Facebook page. I plan to share the video on my page to she says it all in three minutes what I think girls go thru more than we realize.

    https://www.facebook.com/jeremy.amon.9/posts/181898138674092

  10. Yvonne says:

    Dr. Phil:

    I have been being stalked by a retired Air Force vet for over six years, that is six that he has told me that he has been stalking me for many years even during his military career. I can prove from a newspaper article about this man that 23 years ago he was stalking me using military surveillance technology. The police department admits to me that they know he has been doing this to me, but the Chief won’t let them investigate. When I filed for a Order of Protection my case was dismissed (as I was warned by the domestic violence advocate) because I could not afford an attorney to represent me because he had an attorney. The FCC agrees that he is stalking me, a Federal Investigator told me in a 2 1/2 hr. conversation that this man does not have clearance from the military to do this to me, yet no one will stop him. I was told by a Naval Chaplain that the lack of law enforcement in my situation means that fraternization is going on, that is the former military officers on the police department is covering for this man due to some code of silence. I am tortured by military technology being abused by this man day and night, my lie is threatened, my property is destroyed, my internet privacy is invaded and my loved ones lives are threatened, yet no one will help me. Where does one turn for help when military veterans are such a large part of law enforcement? Why do they bother to tell me that they know this man is hurting me when they won’t make him stop?

  11. Jennifer Marks says:

    I left my husband several years ago after many broken bones. I am an uneducated women with 3 kids to support now. My husband has a GOOD job and makes good money. The kids got whatever they wanted. We are so poor now. I barely make enough to feed us. Abuse goes further than physical. Witholding financial support is another form of abuse. When we were together the kids only saw the black eyes. They never witnessed the action. And of coarse I covered up his behavior. Our children don’t understand. They never saw that side of their dad. Now we live in a 2 bedroom trailer. Buying toys is out of the question. We barely have money for food. The last 2 Christmas were socks and underwear and essentials that they were used to getting when they needed it. Now that’s what u get for your birthday or Christmas. Or do without. All so I don’t get beat on????? I cry daily. Watching your kids do without hurts way more then the broken nose that had healed. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut and let the kids grow up with the finer things in life. Because that’s what is important to them. They never got hit but they are suffering now. I used to be home for them. Now I have to work to feed us. They ate left alone to care for each other. They used to get things and now they get NOTHING. All because I didn’t like being hit. It took me 17 months to get garnishment to only have him drop his hours at work cuz they can only by law take half of his pay. It’s a total joke and personal not worth all the time and effort. He has only seen the kids 1 time this year for 4 hours. Life is harder than I ever imagined it would be. So u ask us to break the silence. But that mite lead to poverty and the women should know that. Personally speaking. If the kids aren’t affected by his abuse. Then it’s best to keep your mouth shut. Because these last few years have been hell. Can’t remember the last time I bought myself anything. I only have 1 bra. No underwear. 1 pair of shoes. Have sold all my jewelry to buy food for the house. It’s a No win situation. If u leave. You screw yourself!

  12. Jennifer Marks says:

    Calling the police is NOT the answer. When he goesto jail . What little financial support u get now WILL be gone! There is NO HELP out there! Our government can feed other countries kids. But they can’t fed ours. 46 billion dollars was just cut from the food stamp program. When the money is gone you will suffer. U need money to care for those kids. Take it from me. It’s hard to be a single mom. I really wish I had kept my mouth shut.

  13. notmyrealname says:

    I am one, too, that needs alot of emotional repair. I chose two lousy spouses of which the latest I recently divorced after 29 years. (I tried once to get the beast on Dr. Phil just to get him some HELP!!)

    I believe things/events/trauma that occurred when I was younger helped me to make the choices I have. Things that I need to fix. So I don’t repeat them ever.

    And I need to find work. (No references. No experience since 85). *I once did get hired as a cashier after months of constant badgering by my abusive husband. (LOVED the job.) BUT, He would not feed/watch our two kids and he actually told me after a few weeks that I could not park the 15 year old car at work. Nor could he be expected to watch the kids on weekends, if he had the potential to make some extra money on a side job. But YOU yelled and screamed and spit in my face and threatened me to get one! It’s a part time cashier position you ass. How can we possibly afford a sitter? And it isn’t fair your stepchild gets stuck with the job of watching YOUR child! Could never say that to HIM, so I am getting that out now. Been years. Whew. Feels good. Thank you :)

    That was my life. I could not do this. Could not do that. Always asking permission. I was property. No rights. No voice. I have planned my escape since 2002. Filed in 2012. It took a year and over $20,000 but I did it. He was allowed to live in the house during the divorce. I have many recordings of his abuse. The memories are worse, tho. He?: Undiagnosed narcissistic pd – I’d bet the farm on it. He is pure unfeeling evil. No one truly knows what these types are capable of. I pity those that believe he is a “nice guy.” Suckers.

    Now I am mooching on family until I can get a life. How do any of the women accomplish this? It’s difficult for an energetic 30 year old with a master’s and some work experience to find a job!!

    Need a maid? Ooops, those darn applications/resumes require Personal/Professional REFERENCES!! lol. Maybe I could volunteer somewhere – anywhere just to MEET some people QUICK. There was once a brief moment of self-doubt. Wondering had I done the right thing? Of course I have. Being homeless in a cardboard box under a bridge is the life compared to what I endured. To know I made that choice is the hardest part to come to terms with. God. Why did I even bother? Oh well. Must.Stop.Looking.Back.

    Best of luck to all those women who are finding themselves broke, homeless, and unemployable (I am lucky for I have no small children other than pets). My prayers go to you that you find employment and can once again feel good about living. Blessings to you all. :)

  14. Alexandra says:

    I just recently saw your show where the man stated he accidentally blinded his wife. I thought domestic abuse was solely physical not emotional. I grew up in a home where my family was always making fun of me and putting me down, and I’ve been punched by them and thrown against walls.. eventually they kicked me to the curb with my 3month old son and i now live with my boyfriend wh on a daily basis calls me names and yelles at me. I’ve been shoved into the couch while trying to leave with our son I’ve been told on multiple occasions that if i were a guy he would hit me. He destroys things right next to me and tells me its my fault. I realize that there are worse situations but he’s convinced that if i leave he can get full custody of our son and that he will find a way to call cps (child protectivl services) on me set me up and get him taken from me. my son is all i have left to live for and i can’t let him have our son I’m scared for his safety. he’s never hit me. And maybe its not abuse but I guess in a way i feel it might be because of my parents.

  15. Gloria L. Houtz says:

    Dr. Phil. In May, 2012 my ex husband physically attacked me. I was able to escape his home after the attack and drove myself to the police station wher.e a report was filed. The police called the Victims Assistance Program and an advocate took me to Clinic where I received medical treatment. I have a Lifetime Protection Order through the Shoshone Bannock Tribal Court. It has been an extremely difficult time since rhen because my ex husband convinced 2 of my daughters that I only tripped over a coffee table and then made up the ohysical attack. I had to maje rhe difficult decision you that they are adults and that for now it isn’t possible to have a relationship with them. The problem for me is that I miss my grand children terribly!!

  16. lily says:

    My name is Lily; I’m 15 years old and live in New York. Since I have been a young child I have been physically and emotionally abused by my father. I have been smacked, hit, slapped, had my hair pulled, kicked, pushed, had soap shoved in my mouth and made eat it for swearing, shoved, had my jaw gripped which has had a huge impact on my life with trusting people, anyone touching me in any form and my attitude and self esteem. I have only been physically abused as a form of discipline when I have behaved inappropriately but always been told that I deserve it 100% and that my parents have a right to abuse me. But deep down I don’t think they can hit me and that even though I can act like a brat I couldn’t deserve this, could I? I don’t know.
    I have been emotionally abused MUCH worse, my parents both have told me they hate me, I’m a little s***, a B****, a disappointment, a s***, they are not proud of me, if they knew that I would be like this they never would of wanted kids, a c***, stupid, a brat, a f*** wit, a pig, a cow, that I will never get married, that no one will love me, that no one likes me, they are ashamed of me, I’m embarrassing, that they are going to kill me (this happens nearly every day), I’m the worst child on earth, I don’t deserve them and so on. Pretty much every horrible thing you could think of. This has REALLY affected me, I started cutting at 13 and I have depression. They don’t understand that they are the reason for it and I can’t tell them because of the way they will react. They never listen to me they just blame me for any problems I have and make me feel like s***. They expect me to be beyond my years when it comes to maturity but don’t let me do anything because I’m only 15. I’m having so many issues at school socializing because the way I’ve grown up and the things I’ve experienced and I’m really aggressive and angry towards people and I even sometimes hit my brother who is 6 years old. I can’t control my anger and I don’t know how to act because everything I do I get criticized and put down for and it’s killing me inside. My self esteem is so low because I’m constantly being told I’m not good enough and I can’t deal with life. I don’t know what to do, I hate school, I hate being at home and I just hate life. I can’t talk to my parents about anything cause all they do is put me down and blame me and don’t listen to me and my friends aren’t even real friends, they talk bad about me behind my back call me a b**** and say that they don’t like me. I can’t tell them anything because they think I’m a liar and drama queen. Nobody likes me and I feel so alone and I just want to run away from everything and everyone.

    someone please give me some advice, I’m so lost
    (p.s I’ve tried school councilors they are no help)

  17. Valerie says:

    My mom cheated on my father with an abusive man When i was only 10 , as i grew up and got to know this man more i then realize the extent of what had been happening by 11 years old i was waking up in the morning to pick up all the alcohol , beer bottles , smashed bottles , cigarette buts and blood stains before my 7 year old brother woke up . I watched my mother be slapped , kicked , dragged by her hair , bit , punched etc … from the crack of my bedroom door , i remember just standing there in feel completely frozen with fear . I would try and call my father at times but my mom would take the phone away and say no you don’t have to do that . everything is alright . go back to sleep sweetie . Sleep ? ha i didn’t know what sleep was as a child , who can sleep with world war 3 happening just down stairs ? I didnt tell anyone for the longest time because i didnt want to lose this man no matter how evil he could be at night . he was like the step dad of my dreams during the day . one who took me for bikerides , came for walks , brought me to the beach , played sports with me etc … of course from time to time he would throw at me his rude comments about my weight and tell me everything i did wrong and insult me but as a child in my eyes then it was worth it … I lived a nightmare at night just to live a fairytale during the daylight . It was when the first sexual attempt he made towards me that i drew the line and said enough was enough . i told my father everything well just about everything . Not about the sexual abuse . But the violence etc … My father then threatened my mother to leave him or he would fight for full costudy of me and my brother . so she left him , not to long after i was finaly able to confide in someone and tell them about the sexual abuse and since then my life have tooken a tole for the better . I lived with my dad for a year until my mother became stable enough to be a mother again . i now live with my mother and her new boyfriend who i have disagreements with at times but all in all hes a respectful and nice guy and im greatful my mother was able to find someone like that … it just goes to prove , it does get better , so if anyone out there is in an abusive relationship or is witnessing one . pleas speak up , things can get better , people will support you and stand by you . but if they aren’t aware how can they do so ? and for those people out there who think oh well theres good in it , its not all bad , he can change . yes i believe people can change but once they are in so far they cannot do it alone and they have to be willing to change they have to want it for them selfs before wanting it for anyone else and until they go for help or you chose to leave i can promise you things do not get better , they only get worse .

  18. Valerie says:

    im far from an expert Lily but the school counceler didnt do anythig for me either at that point so what i did was reach out to a very dear friend and close family member and they brought me into social services … if you have no one to take you . you can also reach them your self by phone call or going in to see them , im not quit sure of the number but im sure it is easily found in all sorts of places like the web or phone book , or you could ver visit your local police department if you would find that easier and they will contact them for you … i wish you the best and hang in there things will get better and your going to be alright

  19. Valerie says:

    Thats something that i fine isn’t very helpful these days are school counsellors they dont see the seriousness of it or see how much it is affecting the child .

  20. Bruce Dogget says:

    Hi Dr Phil,

    I come from Australia and often watch your show. I am wondering though how our violence statistics for domestic situations compare to America. From other studies I looked at, it would appear that education and affluence can have an affect on the propensity of a population to commit this horrid crimes. Perhaps also the macho rating of a male culture in any particular country has an affect too. Australia is considered (or was before metro males existed) to be a fairly masculine country, but our laws and general treatment of woman have come a long way in the last 40 years.

    I am sure that we have domestic violence issues too, but as said, I wonder how much it has to do with what Australian men consider to be “manly” and how that has changed over the last few years – hopefully for the better.

  21. Lena Eriksen says:

    Domestic abuse is a lot more than most of us realise and few dear to speak up. Take a look at Deborah Borgen’s blog and her thoughts and views on domestic abuse. Her way of looking at this might make us all rethink our own behaviour in relations to others and inspire to create changes in own life. http://deborahborgen.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/domestic-abuse/

  22. debbie horton says:

    Dr. Phil,
    I am writing to you because I am desperate for your help for myself and my children. I would also like to raise awareness of my situation and possibly help someone else from going through this. When I was 17 years old I met a man named “Sunny” from India. We started dating and I moved to Florida with him. Not long after that I found out I was pregnant. He tried to make me have an abortion and I refused. Our relationship was very toxic. He was very controlling and abusive both physically and mentally. I was not allowed to go anywhere with him unless I had on makeup, my hair fixed right and was wearing the clothes he wanted me to wear. When I was 8 months pregnant he made me get out of the car in the middle of the night and left me because he went to a party with his friends and told me I couldn’t go unless I wore an Indian dress. Although I was pregnant and could not fit into anything except my maternity clothes. When I met him he was in this country on a visa. At 17 years old I knew nothing about this or about immigration. I believe it was shortly after my son was born ( I cant remember if it was right before or right after sorry) his via expired. He began pushing me to get married. He told me over and over again that if I did not marry him immigration would come into our home in the middle of the night and deport him and he would never be able to come back and I would be left alone with a baby and no way to take care of it. Because my family did not have the means to help me. I refused over and over and told him that I did not want to get married. After months of pressure from him and his friends I became terrified of being here alone with no one to help me care for my child and I gave in. I was only 18 and had no degree and I did not think I could care for a child on my own. When my son was around a year old he started trying to get me to send him to India. He was not only physically and mentally abusive to me but also to our son. He would slap him in the face and call him names. He destroyed so any places that we lived in from punching and kicking holes in the walls and throwing things. Everything we had was of course in my credit because his credit was bad. So every time he destroyed something it went on my credit. I was not allowed to work so I had to depend on him for everything. I left the relationship several times and went to stay with family but I always went back because I felt like I was a burden on my family. He talked me into moving to NY with him where his family lives. That was a very big mistake. Besides the mental and physical abuse he had a very bad drinking problem and everything just got worse when we moved closer to his family. I eventually got a restraining order and we separated. We went to court and we signed to give me custody of our son. I got a job as a receptionist and found a small apartment. I was working full time and taking online classes and taking care of my 2 yr old son by myself. His father did not help out financially or otherwise. I was under a lot of pressure and began getting very depressed. I went to the dr and got meds but nothing helped. One day when my son was with my mom I took a handful of sleeping pills. My intention was not to kill myself but just to sleep for a couple of days and maybe I would feel better when I woke up. I went to the hospital and had my stomach pumped. After all this he begged me to come back. He said he was sorry and that he would change and move back to GA with me. Not long after moving back to GA his mother came from India to stay with us. She was very cold toward my son. The only time she ever spoke to him was when she was yelling at him. One day I was in my room on the computer and she had taken my son outside with her and locked the door so that he was unable to get in. I heard my son crying and knocking on the door and went to the front door and she was sitting on the couch. The door was locked and I let my son in. When my husband came home I was extremely angry and told him she had to leave. He said she did it because she thought it was okay because they did it in India. In what country is it okay to lock a three year old out of the house alone? We lived right by a road and he could have got ran over, kidnapped or anything. Shortly after his mother left I found out I was pregnant (I know very stupid). We had our second son in August 2008. He received his green card in February 2009 through our marriage. Our relationship got even worse after that. He was never home and when he was he had nothing to do with the kids. Our oldest child would beg him to play with him and he would not. And the abuse and drinking still continued. The night before Mothers Days 2009 he got a phone call around 1130pm. I could tell it was a womans voice but could not tell what she was saying. He told her he would call her tomorrow and told me it was someone looking for a job when he hung up. The next day (Mothers Day) he left and did not answer my phone calls all day. When he finally came home I asked him where he was and he said he was with another woman and packed a bag and left. We did not see or hear from him for over two weeks. At that point I decided that my children and I had been through enough and went and filed for divorce. After I filed he came back and refused to leave. So my children and I left and went to stay with family. He refused to give me a divorce and did not give me any money to help with the kids. I had to go through DFACS to make him give me child support. But he still lied about the amount of money he makes. The car we had together in my name got repossessed. He threatened to take my children to India and not bring them back. He would get ad at me and threaten to take the children all the time. It is now almost 5 years later I still have not gotten a divorce. He gets mad at me and refuses to have anything to do with the kids. He went months without seeing or talking to them. He missed birthdays, holidays and their grandathers death without so much as a phone call. When he did get them the children would come home and say that he called them names and slapped them. When I would say something to him he would just take it out on the kids the next time. He would bring different women around all the time and make the kids sleep on the floor so the woman could sleep in the bed with him. He got a girl pregnant and forced her to have an abortion. He smokes marijuana and has been arrested to operating illegal gambling machines from his store and still continues to operate them. I went to court recently and was basically told that I had to give him visitation and I had to let him take my children to India in order to get a divorce. What kind of justice is that for a US citizen? Forced to stay married to someone for years so they don’t lose their immigration status and get deported and then told they can only get a divorce by sacrificing their children and allowing him to take them to India when he has already said he would not bring them back . What kind of parents can go months without even calling to check on their kids? I am the one that has been there with them everyday. My kids are my life and I can not risk them being taken to another country and gone forever. My youngest son does not even want to go stay the night with his father but I am supposed to force him to go to another country with him because it is his right to take them? What about mine and my children’s rights as US citizens? My children have to be forced to go to another country away from the one steady person in their life and possibly never see them again because of a non US citizens rights? Something is seriously wrong with the law in this country. I thought the US was supposed to protect its citizens. But I have to force my children to go to another country and have visitation with a father who is abusive and an alcoholic and pot head. What kind of rights does this give me and my children? It sounds to me as thought the US is giving the noncitizen all the rights. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect but I am begging for your help. My children and I do not deserve to go through this.

  23. Catherine says:

    Hi Dr. Phil,
    Are you going to start this again? it was interesting to hear your thoughts.

  24. Lynn Taylor says:

    Hi Dr Phil,this is with a sick stomach and a heave heart that I write this with the hope that you will do something about this problem.I sat down at my computer this am and started to go through the postings and here is this 1 with a woman sitting on a bed a pillow in her hands and a baby maybe 2 or 3 months old face down.She started yelling and hitting baby with the pillow then she was just digging fingers into baby poor little thing was just screaming.This went on and on.There was second woman with camera and a little boy maybe 5 watching.Saddly this is not the first time something like that has been on there.I really do not see how that little darling could live after what was done.There has to be a way to find out where this was done.The posting said to share as officials were hoping to find her.I do not know if u can find it on web or not but there has to be someone step up and fight for the most innocent and most precious ,the children.I pray you will have this checked out.I know this is expecting a lot but I just cannot get the video out of my mind.Please,please help the innocent,our babies. Lynn

  25. S Barry says:

    I am in hiding. Dr. Phil I could sure use your help, infact I feel like I am drowning. I am going through a divorce.My husband abuse me sexually, financially, and physically. I was convicted of abuse. I feel that I am getting no justice. He makes about 5700.00 a month and I make about 2000.00 a month but because I moved out of the home the judge is rewarding him 7000.00 + attorney fees. I left the home because he sent his friend to try and get in. I was so afraid I start taking gun training. He help kill my credit (he gamble a lot). Did I mention that he is white and I am black. I left him half of the furniture and he wants it all. In fact he told him sister that he was going to destroy me. The judge said I need to find another job that pays more and that I wipe out the house. I am a teacher and love my job. He said that sense he is on a fix income of 5700.00 a month he did not want to take away his livelihood. But I guess it is OK to take mine. Could you help me. We have been married for 12 years and have a lot of deth. I have a protected address for abused women through the state of AZ. I am in hiding and when we go to court he has to leave first and then I leave.
    Thank you

  26. Catey Corriveau says:

    There are many comments about abuse on this website that are written by women. I can understand why. Women talk more about emotions and seek support from others, too.

    However, there are many men out there who are abused, too. Many many times the abuser is someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Men and women can have this, but it is more common in women.

    It is quite a large issue, so why don’t we see more factual information, support for the family members, or helpful therapies? BPD women on Reality TV get positive attention with notoriety. They often present themselves as the victim and receive media attention as a result. I have only seen one piece of media that addresses the great concern, damage, and danger that is posed by a female with this mental illness.

    I was surprised to search for this disorder in the Shows/Videos section and did not find one show that clearly states BPD as a theme.

    PLEASE do two shows on families impacted by people with Borderline Personality Disorder, one featuring women with it and one featuring men with it. The families and mates are often the real victims.

    So often the media encourages to work things out with these drama makers. It would also be very refreshing to see someone influential, like Dr. Phil, to give friends, employers, and family members permission to walk away from a BPD abuser, especially if they have tried therapy (or dozens of other things), established boundaries, and still continue to be treated with disrespect, harassment, and/or accusations that have no merit.

    Another area that needs exposure is the huge amount of time, energy, and COST to our courts, government agencies, and support agencies that are just trying to help but are consumed by people who are addicted to attention and are having trouble realizing that they need help to find their own identities, instead of repeatedly reaching out with distortion campaigns (actual term) in an effort to gather negative advocates (actual term) to make their case and get their fix, since the facts don’t support their imagined (and sometimes believed, sometimes purposeful/manipulative) stories that their brains process as if they really happened.

    This is especially harmful to the innocent children who did not experience abuse from a parent that the parent with BPD is alienating them from, yet their brains and bodies believe they did, manifesting in physical and psychological symptoms. Even worse, it continues the pattern of abusive relationships in those children’s futures, since they think that the inappropriate behaviors they witness and experience are NORMAL. This keeps them from perceiving red flags or understanding the appropriate boundaries of healthy relationships.

    Understand that I do no promote anyone playing the role of victim; I believe every victim and co-dependent has some self-esteem work to do to not attract this into their lives anymore.

    An underlying theme is our fear of judgment and our inability to unconditionally love. The best kind of unconditional love is that that we show ourselves. No matter how hard we try, we can NOT MAKE someone believe they are lovable. We are not the savior they need; we can never be. The inner child in each of us is in desperate need of the attention, favor, and unconditional love of only one person: ourselves.

    Sometimes, though, unconditional love means accepting how someone is, refraining from judging them as evil, AND feeling allowed to disengage instead of giving away our power to someone who is sucking our time, energy, and self-esteem to feel temporarily better. Especially co-dependents, we all need to become aware that sometimes there is nothing we can do to help other than to take care of ourselves, heal our own issues, and spread emotional health all over the place, especially to the next generation!

    I can not be the only human who sees the potential healing of our humanity that can come from helping society see:

    * We need to stop judging and start unconditionally loving ourselves.
    * It is not ok to DEMAND, FORCE, and MANIPULATE others to do this for us.
    * It is not ok to ABUSE someone if they do not meet our needs for the unconditional love that only we can give ourselves.
    * ACCUSING, BLAMING, and going to court will not help a person with BPD to get or keep the relationship they so desperately want.
    * These behaviors are also not effective ways of punishing someone who leaves you.
    * It is OK to love an abusive family member from afar or from within healthy/solid boundaries.
    * It is OK to walk away from unhealthy situations and people to take care of ourselves.

    Unfortunately, until we get there, many of us need the media to tell us.

  27. melony says:

    Hello, I recently found out that my daughter, who is 16, has been in a verbally controlled (via text) relationship with her 19 yr old boyfriend. I and her father have met the boyfriend and gave strict guidelines in hopes that he would move along.
    Well, after 8 months and several breakups over very immature things, there was a verbal altercation after a sporting event. The coach brought this to our attention and so started the digging. This young man has called her at least 15 different degrading names, tells her how, when, who, what she can do/see, Tells her to call me because he wants her home, has disrespected her father and I.
    I have collected evidence and spoken to his mother, which didn’t help at all…his father abused them. I have made an appointment with a counselor but need advice on what to do here at home, she has her blinders on and will not listen to reason.

  28. Abbydawn says:

    I am a a used woman . I met my abuser at 15 and seperated at 28 I have a grade 9 education and he built a business whe I raised our four children . The day I left I was bruised from the head to my feet . I went to a shelter and the. A safe house . Tried to get three restraining orderes all I ever get is to give the legal lawers thousands of dollars I don’t have I was locked out of everything g my home chained with 6 inch chaines around my children and my belongings . He has threatened my children from me since the beginning and now he’s taking them away because he hold s the power and the money and I have nothing because I was a stay at home mom and didn’t realize that I could loose my kids for being a mom . He claimed he makes nothing compared to what he does and gets away with it cause him got his own business wich he told me I had 50 shares in and then said oh my laser didn’t file the papers he forgot … So dealing with c f s on a regular basis being reported for not having furniture for my kids or clothing has been stressful he was a coca in addict when I left hi
    And that was my conditions of him accessing the kids at all she’s drug test still to this day he has not been. He has manipulated me into a horrible mom and turning my kids against me . I never spanked my kids ever and never did drugs even tried sending a drug test to the courts . I have 50 custody of my children and I haven’t seen my son in three mounts he stold my child I am unsure why the court is nt helping me and why the lawers want money from me if I don’t have it he has it and he now has destroyed my relationship with my kids and I’m tired .

  29. tracy says:

    I need help!

  30. David Dixon says:

    What am I doing in this unbelievable world, it’s a no man land. a place where no one would want to go, a man made Purgatory. it all began when I started taking notes in 1977. when I had tried to apply for a pale grantto go back to school at kvcc. and I was denied because they told me that I could not explain my where about of my past 5 years of my life. I had told them that I was living in my mother and father’s house. so they ask me but how was I providing for myself. so I said I was living within my parents’home. so then they ask me but what was my income. so I told them I could not find no one that would hire me. so I was denied the grant because I couldn’t prove my existence of the past five years. next I found out that the city of kalamazoo was hiring people for general labor. so I applied for a position and I got called in for a physical. and was found to have had a bad back. Scoliosis of the spine. and afterwards I was advise not to apply for disability because I was not disabled enough. so I ask well what will I do to achieve a livelihood. a the nurse walk by me and said real sarcastically. get an Education. but I thought to myself that’s not going to happen. so I was told by someone to go to Michigan vocational rehabilitation and they would give me a waver, to give to the potential employer as protection from me if I was to get hurt. but then I was also told that the waver do not fully protect them. so after I finally concluded that there was no way out. child support was hounding me like I was trying to leave the country. telling me get some money not a job, in to them and that they did not care how I got it, but if I wanted to stay out of jail get that money. so a long story short me being as young as I was, I ended up going to prison for five years, for shop lifting a pound of hamburger. but my father God gave me his word, from out of the book of Isaiah 54:17 and the lord God said to me King David D, no weapon that is formed against me shall prosper; and every tongue that shall try to rise up against you in judgment he shalt condemn. because this is the heritage of his servant King David D, my righteousness is of him, said the Lord my God. imagine this being celibate for over 15 years, and living on a small income of $645 a month to live on. rent is $215. a month $145 worth of food stamps a month, not to mention utilities and cleaning supplies and personal supplies. working with M.R.S. and the Good Will. on finding me a job so that it don’t affect my disability income along with disability network. to help me to place in subsidize housing. but with all the road blocks that keep springing up, like bad credit. a over 30 years ago criminal record and then get this one I am not disabled enough. and trying to find a wife. a woman I got to say it again a Woman. I am not gay, most Black women don’t want to even look at a Black man like me. Look at how long non have not wanted to be with me. I’m interested in someone with a good upbringing, Godly and spiritual morals. a woman that want to be Love as well wanting to Love a good man. that has the same attributes as she do. but is there a black woman in this world that would want to have anything to do with a man like me, in this Purgatorial state of existence, and I am calling on the Lord to keep me moving in the right direction to live in the Lords Love, and his affection. The spirit of the Lord is what I want inside of me, so that no matter how Beelzebub Lucifer Satan and the Devil and all his Demonic Demons crying and lying may speak to others minds and hearts. Concerning me King David D, the Lord will bless my presence to others. keep me in your will father God, so that I can do what you will have me to do. I seek the truth about who my father God is in Jesus the Christ and the truth about who is Jesus the Christ is in me King David D. and that is me, that is seeking the light, to find the key, to open the door that will make me free, free from the bondage of lust and Purgatory and anxiety of my iniquity’s. that’s trying to hold me down in poverty. I need to pray for true Love and happiness, prosperity and righteousness. and to stand strong when tempted to do wrong. I am a anointed Man, that’s being led by my father Gods hand into a bless life to find my Beautiful woman for a wife. and only I will know when she come alone because Jesus in me want let me choose wrong. and now my father God help see, because Beelzebub Lucifer Satan and you Devil with all your Demonic Demons crying and lying sent a Beautiful Beautiful and Gorgeous white woman name Mary so I thought, to set me free from the Demonic spirit’s that was holding my life in the shackles Purgatory, from true Love keeping me in the iniquities of poverty. and I thought, so now I will be moving on to where I belong to be with my God, and he sent to me a woman that finally to be with me, so I want have to belong and we can start to have us a Loving home, so I thought she also did not have the willingness to give me a chance, and come out on the floor of life and dance to the music of believing trusting and having faith. of Loving unconditionally. is this not how our father God through Jesus Christ want us to be. So now I understand that it’s not just black women but it is all and any woman, thank you father God for giving me a home to go to at night, so that I can keep things right. I pray to you father God now that I am where I am, and where I need to be, who are these people that say they care, but don’t really give a dam about me, with only limits on what they want to see me do.think. or say. in my life. so hell forbid King David D finding him a Queen that will be his wife. if they see me do more than what they want me to do, that’s when they tell me, no I can’t and I want and will not help you. or to systematically orchestrate a Demonic excuse not to see myself get through to the other side of your hard times. Not coming right out with the words of saying that, but doing me just like that. holding me down in a governmental systematic plot design to orchestrate designated individual to a state of existence of a man made Purgatory that exile them from moving up in our economical uphill ladder, in this life, it’s an evil thing to do to another human being, but that’s our good old U.S.A. governmental structure to keep the small minority Rich to get Richer and the mass majority poor to stay in their place. in retrospect this kind of conduct contradicts everything our country said and still say it stands for. it’s not so good when the only thing that figuratively speaking, Beelzebub Lucifer Satan the Devil and all his Demonic Demons crying and lying in others want to help you do is just only enough to where they can say, that they help you all they could. but knowing that if they did any more that would only get you in the door. so where you would not need help any more. This is why no one even thinks about one of the biggest schemes of the rich getting richer, off the poor, is where the devil orchestrated man created systematic TV marathons to raise money to feed the starving children over in Africa, and all these years and if you was to stop and think about it, feed a man fish for a day and he will be hungry the next day, but give that same man the tools and teach him how to fish for himself, and he will eat for a life time. and now who am I talking about binges in our life’s other than God. That made man a wife and sometimes she even might stick you in your back with a knife to try and end your life. beware of the people who say there your family and there your friends, who will label you as being not wanting help, or you was unable to help yourself. and will tell you. that you did not want their help because you would not let them waste your time, by delaying you with playing head games and lying, or letting them subject you to them putting you down like a clown. Keeping you in the existence of a demonic Purgatory of the iniquity’s of poverty. and then tell you that they Love you. now I ask you father God what am I to do now that I’m in this place called Kalamazoo. I got into trade school in 1991 at that time it was called Michigan state technical institute. now I don’t know what they change the name to, because when I went to school there I seen this poster that said that they was one of Michigan most well kept secrets. so I had chosen graphics arts and prepress in the printing industry. and printingpress operator. I found out that the pay was decent. and I would be making enough to possibly start a family, and if I do right maybe even buy a home. so I had already received training previously as a printer in Kansas city Mo. so with my crazy thinking, just because I had a certificate of completion, wow I thought that I would have a jump up in the program. stupid me? how could I have thought something as ridiculous as that.? so one day I was feeling like a kid in a candy factory, and really enjoying working one of the printing press I was already train on in Kansas city. a AB dick, offset printing press. a very simple job. real easy job a 10 year old could have done it, and the assistant instructor was giving me A’s on my examination. so the other head instructor came up to me and told me that it don’t look like I was enjoying this class and maybe I would be happier somewhere else. so he dropped me from the class. in the program, and so I appealed that decision. so as a defense lawyer they appointed for me, now get with this one they gave me a blind woman. who could not even see the kind work I was doing if she had wanted to. and have the hard evidence to defend me, so I lost the case when I appealed it. so to compensate me for a promising trade, that would have provided me with strong secure livelihood, they place me in the wood finishing program, a craft that was being replaced by a mechanical machine that dose all the sanding applying the stain and the lacker finish that was once applied by hands. a obsolete trade they had put me into. and another similar thing happened to me in my life, two other times. the first one was, when I was hired by kal graphics, a printing company in Kalamazoo. when I was hired the man that hired me told me that all the things I had been training in, forget about it because the printing presses I had training in was nothing like the ones I am about to have training on. the first three weeks of my training the Guy they put me with showed me he had no interest in giving me the training he was assigned to do. because every day when I would come to work he would go straight into his routine and never say one thing to me about what he was doing. but I tried to catch on to what he was doing by asking questions, regardless if he took the time to explain to me or not, because he sometimes would just flat out ignore me. so after about three weeks they put me on printing press on my own, and about three days later I was called into the office and was told that they really like me, and they seen that I had put forth a good effort to operate the printing press, but they did not believe that I could cut the mustard. but if I wanted to stay employed with them they had a opening for a janitor position, and if I wanted it I could have the job. and so I said ok. but I did later on got my day to go back to work on the printing press. so about four or five years tater they close the company doors. after they had went out of business. so about three months later I was hired in with American greeting as a press operator. from the day I was hired in I had notice that they had two types of printing presses the obsolete standard mechanical printing presses, that was barley operating at all, and the highly technical touch screen computer operated printing presses. they was training everyone on the factory floor standard operational procedures on computer programs that’s had nothing to do with the programs that operated the printing presses out in production, just to sizes everyone up in production. so they could see how to weed out, who was going to move up, and who they was going to move out. this is why I know I was place on one of the printing presses that was barley running at all. a few of the machines on the floor needed consistent maintenance which made production very unstable but nothing could go out to packaging and then out to the docks before it go through inspection and good for me that one of the S.O.P.’s, standard operational procedure was to keep a hourly log sheet of how our machine prosses would run. or I would have not been able to receive unemployment compensation. for wrongful termination. all I want to do is tell everyone about you, father God and what you have and can and will do, if they do like I do, by putting all others to the side and do what our father God tell us to do. from out of the book of Hebrews 8:7-10 reads to me and the lord my God said, for if that first covenant had been faultless, then should no place have been sought for the second. for finding fault with them, he saith, behold, the days come, saith the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of King David D and with the house of Mary: not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day when continued not in my covenant, and I regarded them not, saith the lord. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of King David D after those days, saith the lord my God; I will put my laws into their mind, and write them in their hearts: and I will be to them their God, and they shall be to our father God his People. so now father God, I am calling on you to only to do what you told me you would do. because it’s not good for me to be alone, because I’m only on the phone. thank you father God for my home. so now tell me am I wrong for having faith to want to be safe. in a home and not being alone only to just talk on a phone. And in the book of Romans 4:4-8 reads and the Lord my God said to me. Now to him that worketh is the reward not reckoned of grace, but of debt. But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness. Even as King David D also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God imputeth righteousness without works, saying. Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered. is this my life without a house car or a wife. I want to spread your word everywhere so that your people will know that you are there and that you care. so keep me father God today to do and to think and to say these things that only you will have me to display in the name and under the blood of Jesus the Christ under the advice of the father the son and the holy spirit direction to true Love affection I do pray in every way each and every day. Amen Amen and Amen.

    Sincerely King David D

  31. Donna Skora says:

    We need help! Our 40 yr old son married, whom we thought, was a wonderful woman and partner for him about 3 years ago. We really liked her at first and thought the world of her. I had a great relationship with my mother-n-law, so it’s always been my hope and dream of having a similar relationship with my daughter-n-law/son-n-law. We always got along with our son, daughter-n-law and her mother wonderfully. We got together with them a number of times and found ways to meet with our son, his wife and her son from a previous marriage as often as we could. We live approximately 1 hour drive away from them. Then she got pregnant and began verbally abusing and attacking us and our daughter, over really stupid and petty little things. We tried to resolve things and apologized as well as told them over and over again that we loved them and were proud of them. Even her mother joined in and verbally abused us as well. She accused me of being a horrible mother and told my husband we were sucking the life out of him. A few years earlier, our daughter suffered a devastating miscarriage and it took a toll on her. For about a year, she kind of withdrew; however, she finally came out of it and has become her same old self. We gave her the space when she needed it and always let her know that we were there for her. Our son, who never behaved in that manner towards us, started doing the same thing. At one point, when our daughter posted a response on our son’s FB page about the fact that it would have been nice if he called her to tell her the news of the gender of their baby instead of posting it first on FB, our daughter-n-law responded with “it’s about time someone give up the pity party.” This really hurt our daughter and it wasn’t called for. It felt like they were slowly and methodically pushing us out of their lives and couldn’t figure out why. Our daughter-n-law was planning on inviting us to the baby shower, but knowing how hurt our daughter was, she wouldn’t want to go. I nicely asked our son and daughter-n-law to apologize to our daughter for that remark and they refused, saying that she needs to get over losing her baby. I was verbally attacked for requesting an apology and to top it off, our daughter-n-law we nearing the end of a pregnancy that might not go full term because of blood pressure problems, etc. She was at great risk and was being treated by a high risk pregnancy expert, yet it didn’t phase her about hurting our daughter over the loss of her baby. A few months before the baby was born (9/25/13), we reached out to her former in-laws because they lost all contact with their grandson all together, and they live in the same town. The former in-laws, when they met us, told us how our daughter-n-law and her mother also verbally and emotionally attacked them over and over again that they had to put up with being abused just to spend a little time with their grandson. Sadly, it wore them down and DJ, who is going on 12, no longer sees his grandmother (father’s mother) or any of his aunts, uncles or cousins. DJ’s father, is only allowed visitation with DJ, at his house and in the yard and has never been allowed to take DJ anywhere. The description of the way the previous in-laws were treated by our daughter-n-law and her mother, absolutely mirror the way we’ve been treated. It appears as though our daughter-n-law is a control freak and manipulates anyone around her, even in a cruel manner, in order for things to go her way and it appears that her mother is the same way. We were invited to the birth at the hospital but because of the distance to worry about whether or not we’d be home to let our dogs out, we nicely asked them to let us know when the baby was born and forward us a picture as soon as possible. We were viciously attacked for not going to the birth, a few more nasty things were said, one thing led to another and the last words our son wrote to us was that we were no longer his parents, he wanted nothing more to do with us and we lost our grandson. I’ve tried reaching out and apologizing for whatever it was we did and asked if there was anything we could do to resolve things and heal but it was meant with total silence. We don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation. Please help us! We want our son back in our lives as well as our grandson and step-grandson but are at a total loss of how to handle it. I’ve even started volunteering at our local hospital in the NICU Unit to become a baby cuddler because that grandson, is our very first grandson. We always showed DJ and his Mom and our Son, that we were falling in love with DJ and were thinking of him also as a grandson, yet our daughter-n-law I guess believes that we would somehow show favoritism with the grandson over our step-grandson. We are at a total loss with this one.

  32. Karen Barnette Hagman says:

    To all victims and survivor’s of domestic and/or psychological abuse:

    I am obtaining a college degree at 40 years old for all of you. Because of the lack of resources and long term stability in the non-profit and government sector in programs that assist victims of domestic violence, I understand the importance and urgency for a call to act; you need to be heard, tell your truths and mostly recognizing that change is within your reach.

    I have had a 4.0 GPA for 4 semesters, I am dedicating this time in college to learn and practice skills that I will rely on in real world situations. My major is Human Services HUS-AS / Psychology. When I am finished with my degree I will selflessly take a job that is underpaid and overworked because the cycle of abuse must stop.

    While I may never be able to make an impact in your lives directly, your stories will be in my mind and in my heart as I accept my first college diploma. I am committed to becoming an advocate for those who have lost their voice. I am committed to making a career of helping women, ladies, men and boys (i.e. the stories above) find their inner strengths through empowerment, empathy, and unconditional positive regard.

    When I leave graduate school with a mound of student debt, the return of investment on my degree will not be in measured monetarily; the ROI will be priceless if one person is able to love a life free from abuse and abundant in self-confidence.

    Your personal stories that you have shared on here have touched me deeply. I am working this hard because of your truths, your lives and and your stories are unacceptable.

    I can’t save the world. I can’t save lives, but I promise to make every second, every minute, every hour that I work in the field to make a difference.

    “Change your story, change your life!”
    Respectfully,
    Karen Barnette Hagman

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